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Aug 30

Trusty Volvo

by JeremySpoke under Relationships,Single Life

I am reaching a critical point in my life. My job affords me enough money to possibly buy a new car, yet I am morally opposed to buying something when I can just as easily not buy it and have a lot more money. I drive a 1997 Volvo S90. It is fantastic. It provides every luxury demanded by my cosmopolitan lifestyle. Namely, the air conditioning works and the wheels turn.

I started thinking, though, that in order to date successfully, I should get a car that isn’t the personification of my lifetime of shortcomings. Maybe there’s more to life than a functional air conditioner and an AM/FM radio. I don’t want to be that guy with all the high tech gadgets like tinted windows and power steering. I got so caught up in the comfort of American amenities that I forgot who I was inside. I don’t need a working radio or seatbelts in order to live. I need seatbelts that are approved by some government organization.

Assuming that I decide to buy a new car, I will have to cut back on my already cut back lifestyle. First, I will have to cut my three meals a day to one Snickers bar a day. I will have to stop texting and talking on my phone. My parents will have to go a few years before knowing that I am okay. Also, I will have to go a little while with no health, life, or car insurance. I think it will be alright if I find the love of my life and don’t die in the process.

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Jul 27

Drive Me Crazy

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

We all know not to drink and drive and we all know to fasten our seatbelts, but how about driving while your hot date is sitting next to you in the passenger seat? The rules for that may not have legal recourse, but they should be followed just the same. I know its girls who are supposed to be the bad drivers, but you’d be surprised the stunts guys would pull to impress a woman. Just because it’s considered chivalrous for the man to drive, doesn’t give you a free pass to put the pedal to the metal.

Some tips on how not to literally drive your date crazy in the car:

-Have a clean car with a full tank of gas. It’s more important than the type of car you’re driving. Late one night many years ago, my date drove around for half an hour looking for an open gas station. Another date had to clear debris off my seat but there was still tons of clutter under my feet. And if you have the time, go to a carwash or wipe the car down quickly. Seeing a thick coating of dust on the rear windshield with the words “wash me” written into it is not attractive.

-That said, guys who are overly obsessed with their cars are also a turn-off. One guy picked me up in his teeny-tiny luxury convertible freshly waxed with personalized plates. A friend’s ex-boyfriend was a fanatic about his car, but it wasn’t even like it was a 1957 Corvette Stingray, it was a 15-year-old foreign import! And he wasn’t trying to keep it in pristine condition for resale value, he just thought his car was the cat’s meow.

-Driving safely is a major turn-on. Don’t drive like your Grandma, but this isn’t the Indy 500 either. If I end up with whiplash because you slam the brakes at every red light, I’m probably not going to make out with you. Let me know you care about me by making me feel safe in your car. Reclining your seat all the way back and using your knee to guide the steering wheel is not cute. Asking me to be the deejay so you aren’t distracted from watching the road… is. Cursing at the guy who cut you off while you flash your brights and tail him, not so hot. Using your turn signals and waving to the guy who let you in… hot. Slowing down to let an elderly couple or a mom with a stroller safely get on the curb before turning… very hot.

-When it comes to music, program a setting to the Top 40 station and make sure the volume doesn’t impede conversation while at the same time diffusing any awkward silences. I don’t understand when a car full of people pulls up beside me with the base so loud it makes my car vibrate. Who can talk?

-Besides the obvious tips of opening the door for a lady, there are other things you can do to make your date feel comfortable: keep a box of tissues handy; make sure your car’s not making any peculiar noises; and if there’s no parking nearby, don’t be too cheap not to pay for valet sometimes – I wore these sexy stilettos for you, so please don’t make me actually have to walk in them!

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