Dear Tamar,

I just want to meet a guy I can hit it off with. Is that so difficult?

1) How can I judge if they only want sex?
2) How can I know that they are honest?
3) How do I know they don’t have psychological issues?

Dear Trying to Figure it All Out,

Unfortunately you won’t know if a guy only wants sex, is honest or is sane until you’ve been on at least one date but there may be signs along the way that you should look out for including: Is the guy only commenting about your physical attributes? Is the guy actually listening to what you’re saying and having a back-and-forth conversation? Is the guy sharing personal items with you? Is the guy only talking about himself? Is the guy having trouble looking you in the eye? Is the guy too touchy-feely or too in your face? Some of these questions you can ask yourself while reading email correspondence, IMs and on the phone but some you may need to answer in person. You will waste many nights on bad dates, so will men, but your Beshert will come along. It’s the digging through all the dirt until you find that diamond that makes it all the more worth it. You should learn about yourself and about what really matters to you in a mate along the way, so don’t think it’s not worth it. One last thing — don’t spend the conversation trying to read between the lines seeing if the guy is a player, is lying or is crazy because then you’re the one who’s not being an active participant in the date. Once you’re radar is honed in, you should be able to tell a bad seed from the good ones.

Instant Messaging can be a very popular way of meeting people on 100hookup.  It is fast, convenient and allows the conversation to progress to an extremely high level in 45 minutes or less; it might otherwise take a week or more if emails were being exchanged.  However, sometimes we talk through Instant Messaging and find ourselves wondering, “Is this person is truly interested in me?” While there is no way to know for sure, there are some huge signs that the person you are talking to is, in fact, highly interested.  The following are just a few of the many signs you might receive.

- The responses are coming at a quick and rapid pace

- You are being asked a ton of questions; the more personal, the better.

- You are asked your name after talking for a little while.  People do not ask for names unless they are truly pondering getting to know you at a future date.

- You notice in the I.M. box that he or she has been re-wording what to say over and over.  (There is an icon that notifies of this in the corner of the I.M. box)

- You find the other person continues to lead the conversation in new directions and has taken control.

These are just a few of the many subtle signals that show the person you are trying to date is highly interested in you.  If you are receiving most of these signals on a daily basis then you should stand proud because you are clearly doing something correctly!  If you are not, then you may want to brush up on your online dating skills a little bit.  We all need to practice to reach perfection.  Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I am new to dating.  I have been divorced for nine months.  How do I tactfully start dating two or three gentleman? Dating for me means going out to do activities both persons are interested in. How do I date, on this simple premise, without feeling awkward?

Dear Poly-Dating,

Welcome back to dating… I guess. It’s easy and can be fun to date more than one person at a time particularly when you’ve recently returned to dating. Think of it as practice or rebounding or what-have-you, but until you get your training wheels off it would be smart of you to date more than one person at a time. As for how to do it tactfully well, simply put, it’s no one else’s business. Sleeping with more than one person at a time is a different story, but just dating isn’t harming anyone; in fact, it’s healthy. Definitely stick to activities you are both interested in as that will create a common bond but be careful if you repeat the same activity with another date because you may get mixed up and forget whom you did what with and when. Now is the time to enjoy yourself and if you happen to find someone you really like and the feeling is mutual then you will simply tell the others exactly that. Have fun!

Everything I write about, whether it’s for 100hookup or my personal blog, I take from my experiences, thoughts and opinions and use them as inspiration for each piece.  As a result, people in my life are often mentioned in my writing. However, even though I know that my friends and family don’t mind this reality, I often wonder what a woman who I reference in one of my 100hookup blogs thinks when she reads it.

Even though I don’t mention names and am careful not to say anything disparaging or critical about anyone except for myself, I still can’t help but wonder how women react when they read about themselves. Maybe some find it flattering, while others might be slightly embarrassed or even annoyed by this side-effect of corresponding or going out on a date with me. Ultimately what can I really do? In the end, I write from my heart about what I’m feeling or experiencing, so no matter how a woman feels about being mentioned in something that I’ve written I hope they know that my writing comes from a good and genuine place.

I know that it’s not the preferred method of communication by everyone but, regardless, I love texting. First off, it is casual and informal which syncs up well with what many people enjoy about online dating. Second of all, people are busy and they don’t always have time to respond to lengthy emails, or carry on long phone conversations where you can really get to know a lot about someone. However, perhaps the reason why I enjoy texting the most is that it’s fun.

Recently I began talking via email with a woman that I met on 100hookup, However, due to the travel schedule imposed by my job, we weren’t able to plan a date during what I considered to be the prime window. Fearing that I would miss my chance I asked for a date anyway just so that I could get her number and see if I could figure out a way in the interim to delay our first date without losing our momentum. That was where texting came in to play and was key to keeping everything going.

Around the time I was set to go on a road trip, I texted her in an attempt to begin a conversation and keep things progressing. She responded and seemed receptive to a texting conversation. As a result we’ve been texting back and forth for the past few days that I’ve been out of town, and through short messages we have been able to carry on a conversation where I think we’ve learned a lot about each other.

Instead of putting what we were doing or what some of our interests were in an email we’ve talked about them via text. In addition to our casual correspondence we made plans for a date when I got back. However, due to weather conditions in Chicago, our flight back was cancelled and I had to postpone our date. Perhaps had we been emailing and not texting she would have understood this situation; however, through our text messages she was fully aware of my situation.

In fact, she even suggested, after I told her that my flight was cancelled and our first date would have to be pushed back another week, that we continue texting and talking, which made me feel really good. Ultimately, I know that not everyone is going to be cool with this form of consistent communication, but right now it’s really the best way for me considering my schedule. In the end I appreciated her understanding and in spite of how well we’ve corresponded via text message I do plan on calling her from the airport later tonight so that we can finally take the next step in our relationship and chat over the phone.

I had developed an amazing online relationship with a wonderful girl on 100hookup.  We lived far from each other, though, so I knew that the relationship’s growth was futile.  Still, we had a great time talking to each other.  We shared relatively intimate things with each other online and soon decided to swap phone numbers.  Now, things got real.  I was texting and talking to a real person as opposed to another username on 100hookup.  It was pretty exciting.  I often told her tidbits of information that I would have never shared with her in an online conversation.  She now not only knew basic information about me but she knew my social security number, the pin number to my debit card, my email password, and my greatest fear.  Okay, she knew none of that, but she did know other information that couldn’t lead to identity fraud.

One day, I decided to take it a step further.  I asked what she was doing via text message.  She said she was studying for a test.  I thought that was odd because I knew she wasn’t in school.  I went with it, though.  “Oh, okay,” I said. “Anything I can do to help?”  “Who is this?” she asked.  “It’s me, Jeremy.”  “Jeremy, you know this is Meaghan, right?”  “Of course I know that.”  “This is Meaghan, your cousin.”  Whoa, we were cousins?  Why didn’t she tell me this pertinent information earlier in our phone relationship?  Also, interestingly enough, I remembered that I actually had a cousin named Meaghan.  Oh no.

Though I changed her name in this post to save myself from further humiliation, I believe that cell phones, especially ones that look and feel very technologically advanced, should include an important feature.  This feature should allow users to be unable to save two different phone numbers under the same name.  Though my story is sort of a worst-case scenario, this feature would be exceptionally helpful in preventing confusion about a person you are interested in dating and a person whose mother is your mother’s sister.

Last night I went out with a friend to catch up since I had been traveling with the team for most of the past three weeks. We usually see each other and talk frequently so we are always up to date on each other’s lives; however, with my hectic travel schedule, and the holidays, we had a lot to catch up on. We chatted about work, our families and how we spent Thanksgiving before he inevitably asked how 100hookup was going.

This subject is always a natural part of our conversations since he was the one who realized early on how much I could benefit from online dating and then convinced me to sign up. Even before I answered his question about how things were going I could tell he knew what I was going to say. I explained to him how I had kept talking with women during our trips, but that it was very difficult to make plans during the short windows that I was back in town and therefore most of those conversations had not led to any dates.

Fortunately, he wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easy and was prepared to offer an idea to help alleviate my dating problem. His suggestion was that I explain to the women what my current travel situation was but that I’d still like to have a face-to- face interaction via Skype™. After hearing this, I had to give it to him that it was a good idea even if I wasn’t sure how any women would react to it. Nonetheless, I’m going to give it a shot and will report back on the results soon.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve had quite a bit of success on 100hookup meeting some wonderful women.  Recently one of them stood out more than the others.  I was smitten. We went out five times in three weeks and each date was better than the last.  We laughed, we shared, we kissed, we cuddled, and we had an amazing start to a relationship. Then it suddenly ended.

After a long night together I went home at 11am for some much needed sleep but not before making plans for another date. At 3pm she called me to tell me it wasn’t working. I was stunned. I stopped by her place to drop off something she had left with me, and with a beautiful smile she thanked me for the time we had.

What had just happened?  Had I pushed too hard, moved too fast, spent too much time with her too quickly?  If that was the case, though, then why break it off?  If she liked me wasn’t that the kind of problem that was easily rectified? Simply tell me we need to slow down and I would have happily obliged! I texted her and said I wasn’t willing to leave it the way we had and that I would give her some space and call her in a week.  After all, I’m a guy who fights for a good thing!

If you have any advice for a poor dejected shlub like me I’d really appreciate it! Thanks!

Dear Shunned and Stunned,

Unfortunately I have been in your shoes and it sucks plain and simple. And if I care to think back (I really don’t), I bet I can think of a time when I left someone high and dry. I know you felt a connection and that it was mutual, but for her it wasn’t “it” for some reason that more than likely has nothing to do with you. The “why” may give you some closure and may make you feel better in the short term, but even if you never get that explanation you’re going to have to move on and force yourself to get over it. It’s heartbreaking to have had so much hope in something so new and have it end out of nowhere. It threatens your faith in love.

Let’s try to find the silver lining: it has only been a few weeks, at least she didn’t shun you after months and months together! You met someone on 100hookup that you had a deep connection with and that means it can and will happen again! You liked someone who was willing to throw away something that could have gone somewhere; do you really want to be with someone like that? (I’m guessing not).

There’s a chance she was just freaking out and needed some time to gather her thoughts but, unfortunately, I don’t see her changing her mind. Something happened that caused her to pull the trigger to end the relationship, but let me repeat, it has nothing to do with you, this is not a reflection of you and the explanation doesn’t really matter in the long run. Chalk it up to a sucky dating experience, get back out there and, soon enough,your Beshert will come along.

You give yourself two full hours to prepare for your date.  Though it is probably futile, you give your all to get ready to meet the astronaut-supermodel-doctor whom you have been talking to via 100hookup for the past day and a half.  You are so focused on a good impression that you even wash your pants.  (Of course, you already know that pants are always clean no matter how many times in a row you wear them.  Come on, they’re pants.  Who washes pants daily, or even weekly?  You do?  They can get dirty just like every other item of clothing that you wear?  Duly noted.  I will write that on my fictitious bulletin board.)

You drive slowly to pick up your future astronaut-supermodel-doctor wife in order to look at yourself in the rear-view mirror as many times as possible.  If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have noticed the shaving cream on both sides of your neck or your big ugly face.  You reflect on all of the joyous online conversations the two of you have shared.  She trusted you enough to tell you, a relative stranger, that she is afraid of bugs, while you have already told her, in great detail, about your obsessive-compulsive disorder and your fear that you may never love again.  You remember finding it peculiar that in every photo she has shown you of herself she is wearing a mask.  Also, she has refused to talk to you over the phone.

As you pull up to her house you notice the fact that it is not a house.  You also notice that it looks more like an abandoned tool shed.  There are no cars, or tractors, to report.  There is, however, a mailbox in front of the shed as well as a satellite dish on the roof.  You vaguely remember her telling you to not be surprised if you notice that her house looks a lot like an abandoned tool shed.  You park in the street and walk up to her “house” with a bouquet of flowers in your hand because you are a romance movie stereotype, and she is, apparently, a farmer with no farm.  You knock on her…siding.  A middle-aged man opens the siding flap thing and welcomes you in.  He said he’ll “go to the back” to get your date.  There are no rooms, it is just a tool shed.  He makes a loop around the inside of the tool shed and tells you that although she will not be available tonight, he would love to be taken out to dinner.  You realize that you’ve just been “had by the farmer” as they say.  (Nobody says that.)  You make a run for your car.

Okay, this never happened, but the lesson is to not blindly trust people…or something.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks now…I would say that it’s “pretty casual” considering we usually see one another 1-2 times a week (it’s a little bit difficult for me to go out more than that as I am a single mom and have sole custody of my child). We communicate every day, either by text (which I’m really not crazy about!), or by brief phone calls (which usually last 10-30 minutes, max). The guy seems to like me…is always complementing me, flattering me, etc. (although it usually has to do with my appearance), but the “relationship” doesn’t really feel like it’s progressing. Sometimes, after an especially romantic date, the guy won’t call me until about 10 p.m. the next night. He’s a very good looking, confident, and charming guy…a real “catch” (on paper!). I’m trying not to let this situation get the best of me, but I’m starting to feel taken for granted and insecure here. Although I’m presently “dating” in general, it’s not my style to “juggle” men (I just got out of a long-term relationship)… and, in spite of myself, I’m starting to find myself developing strong feelings for this guy, although my better judgment tells me to proceed with caution! What do you think? How should I handle this situation? This guy even told me (voluntarily, without being prompted) that he is not seeing anyone else and that he’s even considering closing his 100hookup account. Is this guy “just not that into me” considering he’s not pursuing me that actively?

Dear Casually Dating or More?,

It sounds to me like you’re trying to find problems where there aren’t any! This thus-far casual relationship seems much more serious to me via your letter than you seem able to see yourself. You’re seeing each other about twice a week — great! He compliments you — fantastic! He calls you regularly and texts as well — super! He voluntarily told you he isn’t seeing anyone else and is thinking of closing his 100hookup account — phenomenal! And yet you think he’s not pursuing you that actively? What more can he do? I bet if you told him what you needed he would do so because I think he really likes you! So what’s the problem here? To be frank, I think it’s your insecurity that things may be progressing faster than you imagined, or that you will give more of yourself only to be rejected. I know you just got out of a long-term relationship, but that doesn’t mean the next guy couldn’t possibly be your Beshert. If you’re enjoying dating freely and are not ready for commitment then let him know you’re not ready to get serious so quickly. But be warned — you risk losing a great guy who most definitely IS into you!