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So how do you end a second date?

Well, it depends on if you want a third or not.

If the date went well and you would like to see them again, then you should share a kiss goodnight. If you ended the first date with a nice kiss, and greeted the second date with a nice kiss, then perhaps this kiss should linger and last longer. The purpose is twofold: to let your date know that you are definitely interested and to establish physical chemistry. But let it end there. This is not the time to extend an invitation to go home with you or to accept such an invitation.

If you don’t want another date then you should make sure to bid adieu respectfully and with dignity. Thank your date for a nice time and express your appreciation if the other person paid. Or… if you don’t want another date but there’s sexual chemistry then go ahead and have some “safe” fun! Safe both in a physical as well as emotional way: make sure to use protection but also make sure your date knows this is just a hook-up so that feelings are protected as well.

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Last week, I talked a bit about how you should give more matches a chance. Just because you’ve seen and ignored the same tired profiles over and over again in your zip code doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good match for you!  This is true. However, I tend to play devil’s advocate quite a bit (with myself) and was thinking: why date people you aren’t interested in just because they are available?  I might only find a dozen young men in my area who are my age, but what if I don’t want to date any of them? Should everyone in the same zip code just pair off with another person they find the least intolerable? Is that how marriage works?

I’ve come to the conclusion recently that some people are just naturally more picky, or, excuse me, selectively-inclined, than others. And this is fine. If we all dated like Jerry Seinfeld, no one would ever get married, family structure could break down entirely, and we’d all end up alone eating lots of cereal. But if everyone were forced to just “pick someone,” many people, though not necessarily all, would be miserable. If someone has found a happy medium between these extremes, please inform me what it looks like.

How do you know if you’re too picky? I’ve definitely been accused of having an overly healthy degree of selectivity. There are likely several reasons for this, none of which I’ll describe here, because honestly, I’m not sure what they are. But am I being too picky when I reject an offer to be set up with the cousin of someone’s neighbor who is 20 years my senior, lives in another country, and just finalized his divorce?  I say no. Mrs. Goldberg at shul might say otherwise. But I’m holding my ground. I mean, you see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.

In my opinion, there’s no need to go out with someone out of pity, convenience, spite, revenge, or obligation. If you aren’t interested or don’t see the possibility of potential, it’s okay to pass. If you’re feeling that resistant toward meeting someone, it’s much more likely that you’ll feel resentful or act rudely than feel surprisingly delighted after meeting him or her. Feeling neutral is one thing – if you don’t know someone or feel on the fence, by all means – it’s just a date – go! But feeling repulsed by a photo, getting in an email argument over opposing views of the world, or even a strong negative gut feeling – these all warrant some selectivity.

Those examples might be pretty straightforward, but what if you don’t want to date someone because one of her nostrils is a little bigger than the other, or because he won’t let his food touch on the plate? Or because she didn’t go to an Ivy League school, or his glasses are out of style? This is where pickiness gets interesting. There can be a fine line between appropriate selectivity and self-sabotage, so give people the benefit of the doubt, but trust your gut.  There’s a lot more to say about this topic — stay tuned for a future related post. In the meantime, in honor of the 20^th anniversary of Clueless this month, I’m Audi!

When you’re on a second date and it’s going well, then you become more and more apt to share personal stories. If you feel comfortable letting your guard down and opening up, that’s great! Here are a few tips to help you get there:

• Make sure the other person is also sharing, and therefore is on the same page in regards to the date going well and wanting to get to know you better and allowing you to get to know them — sharing should not be one-sided
• Keep the topics positive, talk about things that make you happy
• Don’t start the “ex” or divorce/widow conversation just yet
• Stay away from relaying stories of your dating past — as funny as some of our 100hookup stories are, this is not the time to exchange them

Be a good listener; don’t interrupt and make sure to ask a few questions to show you’re giving your date your undivided attention. Bonus points for being an observant storyteller — don’t drone on and on without noticing if your audience has lost interest. You’re look for a connection; the more you share and find commonalities, the closer you will feel.

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When the time comes to order drinks and food on a second date, there are a few ways to proceed: You can either do it the generic way with each person ordering for themselves, OR you can use it as an opportunity to bond by ordering together.

If you both want wine, perhaps agree on one type and order the bottle. Or, if you prefer hard liquor, then consider doing a shot together (not too much to drink, you don’t want to lower your inhibitions or make yourself vulnerable when you’re not in a position to get your home safely).

When it comes to the food, discuss what you can order and share rather than having separate dishes. Try to be open to trying to new delicacies, and don’t be disappointed to skip your favorite dish in lieu of something you can enjoy together instead. You can have lasagna anytime, but you won’t have the chance to bond over digging into a unique dish and creating a new experience together.

If you are more like a Joey from Friends and can’t share your fries then please try to at least share dessert. Liking – or hating – food together is a bonding experience and will create memories for you as a possible couple.

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Color Wars. Nikayon. Shabbat-o-Grams. For many 100hookuprs, nothing inspires nostalgia quite like reminiscing about summer camp. That’s why 100hookup is thrilled to announce the creation of RamahDate, a new partnership helping Ramah alum to meet other Ramahniks online.

How Does It Work?

Simply add a Ramah “badge” to your profile, and you can either search through 100hookup’s 750,000 members worldwide OR by Ramah alum only. Get ready to reconnect with your camp crush!

Second dates are still not the right time for going to see a movie, live theatre, comedy show, or concert. You should pick another location where you can get comfortable and have a conversation. Find a locale that is both unique (to show you made a bit of an effort to choose something because you’re excited about the date) and informal — because you want to create a relaxed atmosphere to begin getting to know each other better.

It doesn’t have to be super expensive, but it shouldn’t be such a loud place that you can’t hear each other. And ideally this date occurs within a week from of the first date!

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“100hookup? Yeah, no one’s on that.” “I’ve tried it, but there’s no one on there.”

Have you ever heard someone say this before? I know I have. Heck, I’ve probably even said it before. But you know what? Unless you live in Antarctica, there ARE people on there. In fact, in preparation for this article, I searched in several different cities to find one with “literally no one on there,” and it was tough. Shout out to the 100hookuprs in Anchorage, Alaska; Cheyenne, Wyoming; and Bozeman, Montana!

I admit that for folks in these kinds of cities, local dating may present some challenges. And as someone even in a mid-sized Midwestern city, I can attest that sometimes the options feel… limited.  But, there usually aren’t zero options.  It can be quite discouraging to scroll through the “same old faces” and not see anyone who interests you. I get it.  And I totally understand why you might ignore the outdated profiles that have been cycling through your matches since the Bush administration. If you’ve used 100hookup for a little while, unfortunately it’s not hard for other “long termers” to become invisible! But I encourage you to take a second look. It’s possible that someone’s cover photo is unflattering, yet their essay reveals a more telling portrait of who he really is. Or maybe you exchanged a few messages with someone a couple years back, but now you’re curious if she still might be interested.  Regardless of why you may have skipped over or subconsciously ignored certain profiles, remember – we are all on the same site presumably looking for the same thing. Give people a chance – there is no obligation to buy!

Conversely, if you haven’t updated your photos or essays in a long time, or if you’ve changed something about yourself, it’s time to update your profile.  I know my eye goes straight to those little “updated” tags – it’s like a new and improved symbol.  A couple times I’ve even wondered who a new cute guy is only to realize that he’s the same person I had previously overlooked – just with an updated photo.

Your online presence is like your house or car – it requires a little bit of regular maintenance to keep it working effectively.  So unless you live in the Arctic Circle or a similarly populated place, it’s unlikely that there’s no one on 100hookup – just maybe no one who takes the time to regularly update and enhance their profile!  So mark your calendars: change your oil every 3,000 miles and update your profile and/or photo to keep everything in good working order.

While you’re on a second date, your conversation should start getting deeper and deeper (as well as on your third and fourth dates). This is not just superficial conversation; you should be asking questions and discussing more in-depth topics. To find out if you enjoy the same topics, you can mention them and see what reaction you get: A blank stare? An eye-roll? A passionate debate?

If you like world events, mention the Iran Deal, Greek’s economic collapse, or ISIS. If you enjoy science, then mention global warning or stem cells. If you love entertainment, then bring up the recent Emmy nominations, Amy Schumer, and anything else trending. If you’re passionate about politics, then broach the topic of Donald Trump and then the dozen other Republican candidates. If current events get you going, then bring up the topic of racism and if police are using unnecessary force. And of course, there’s sports… but that’s an easy one.

You may find that you cannot see yourself with someone who doesn’t read the newspaper, or someone who only gets their updates from TMZ, or someone who’s politics differ too much to understand, or whose schedule revolves around SportsCenter. Differences are good, but you need to have respect at the core in order to have a healthy debate. If you do decide to enter into a debate during a date — which is fine — be respectful and don’t hurl personal insults or allow it to upset you. If that happens, then you likely have your answer about the fate of the date. Remember that looks fade, but the ability to have enticing conversation can last forever.

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I don’t know about you, but I easily went on 100 first dates and only a handful of second dates. That meant that I was excited and nervous prior to a second date, because they happened so seldom! As I approached my date, I wondered… what is the appropriate greeting here? Just smile? Hug? Kiss? Luckily, there is a pretty simple answer.

As you walk up to your date you should do whatever it is you did to end your first date, plus a little extra. What does that mean?

• If you left by standing and smiling and waving, then keep that smile going but add in a little hug
• If you left with a hug, then hug again but add a kiss on the cheek or hug a bit longer and include a squeeze
• If you left with a kiss, then kiss again and allow the kiss to linger just a bit longer
• If you left with MORE than a kiss, then definitely kiss again to start this date

You both know that it wasn’t easy getting to a second date with someone — you liked the first date, you’re interested in learning more, and there’s attraction — so you want the other person to know that you’re excited without coming on too strong. You also still don’t really know this person and are understandably anxious for it to go well, by being prepared with how you’re going to greet each other then you will be able to get past the first hurdle quickly and move on the date with ease.

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I’m pretty sure I covered every aspect of a first date with my First Date Tips series (click on these links if you need to catch up: Go Together or Meet There, Patterns, Confirming Plans, Don’t Talk About That, Ease On In, Conversation Starters, Paying the Bill, Saying Goodbye, Post Date Follow-Up, Don’t Analyze Everything, No Expectations). But… what about the second date? Just because you chose to see each other again doesn’t mean you’re not nervous!

Second dates (and third and fourth dates) should be treated a lot like first dates in regards to having some level of formality… and with a certain amount of hesitancy. You still don’t know this person very well, you still shouldn’t be texting, and you still shouldn’t be engaging in any other social media (no Facebook friending yet!). You should still be making the effort to plan dates, and putting extra effort into getting ready, and be practicing the same conversational tips as your first date.

I’ll be going more into detail about what this all means in the coming weeks!

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