Archive for the ‘Online Dating’ Category

I’m not sure hookup scholars such as Maimonides, Hillel, Akiva, or Rashi would be able to agree on whether it is better to have a vague ‘In My Own Words’ answer… or a more detailed one (they didn’t agree on much, so it’s not surprising that our people are known for our argumentative nature).

On one hand, a vague About Me (or any other category) is enticing as it leaves more for your date to discover on their own and allows you to let them discover more about you at your own pace. You get to reveal more about yourself in your (few) emails, a bit more in your (10 minute) phone calls, and even more in person. You’re not putting everything on the table, and that means you don’t have to live up to any hype you create if, for instance, you are really funny with your writing, but not so much in person.

On the other hand, being more detailed in your biography means that the prospects you attract know exactly who you are and what you are attracted to — more than just your photo and a few general tidbits. It means you have likely weeded out potentials who you may not mesh with, but it also means that you could have eliminated quality prospects who think you are too set in your ways… even though it’s not only acceptable, but more enjoyable to not agree with each other about every topic.

So here’s where your How to Woo a Jew scholar gets to butt in and give her two cents… I suggest a happy medium. Some areas you can stay vague while others that you feel more strongly about should be more detailed. If you are sarcastic and witty in-person, then try to convey that in your biography. If you love debating politics, then say that as well but also mention some particulars — if you are a staunch Democrat and couldn’t bear to be with a hardcore Republican, then let that be known! Areas where you are open to exploring should be left vague or simply state that you want to learn more from someone who is an expert or enjoys those things.

Basically there’s no “right” or “wrong” way because everyone has a type, and the person for you won’t be turned off by your vague or detailed profile… the caveat here is that if you’re having trouble meeting quality prospects, then it would behoove you to adjust your answers towards the other side of the spectrum.

Learn more at www.HowtoWooaJew.com.

Growing up we all had dreams of how we saw our lives unfolding. We pursued the things we had control over, and worked hard to try and put certain things in place. But finding and falling in love is not necessarily something you can check off of your list so easily. That’s not how life works. Love is messy.

But, giving up that vision is difficult and can prevent us from seeing other — likely better — options standing right in front of us because we are so stuck trying to achieve the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be. That means being open to new things, things that may make us slightly uncomfortable at first, and playing around with that “preferences” section rather than simply inputting exactly what we think we want. You might find yourself happily surprised!

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Have you ever realized how many famous adages or proverbs actually contradict one another? Within the last two blog posts, I advised you to be less picky when dating, yet not settle. Don’t discount people too quickly, I said, yet don’t force a connection if it’s not there.  All of this sounds like reasonable advice. But, which is it?  You can’t have it both ways, right? I guess the good news with conflicting information is that you really can’t go wrong either way, since someone says it’s right. This got me thinking about other instances of paradoxical advice – they are more common than you might realize! Which of the examples below is your favorite?

• Absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. Out of sight, out of mind
  • Favorite sayings of long-distance romances everywhere, these two basically provide opposing advice. There have been different times in my life when both of these have been true in different situations, but you might as well focus on whichever you want to be true, because they cancel each other out.
• Love yourself as you are vs. Always strive to improve
  • The essence of this contradiction is often found in women’s magazines – the messages “love your body!” and “you’re beautiful the way you are!” sound great until they are sandwiched between articles on how to lose 10 pounds in a month and how to get guys to like you by changing your hair and makeup. But these are not mutually exclusive – it’s possible to love yourself and want to improve, both internally and externally.
• Play hard to get vs. Don’t play games
  • Ah, the classic debate – do you try to play it cool by calculating how often and how long to wait before responding to someone, or do you just do and say whatever you feel like doing and saying? Opinions vary and often conflict, as does conventional wisdom. Looks like the jury’s still out on this one.
• Birds of a feather flock together vs. Opposites attract
  • I hear both of these sayings all the time – could it be that they are both true, to some degree? Maybe we tend to flock together with people who have similar interests, goals, background, and values. But an opposite temperament or personality brings a little spice to life.

The moral of the story is that no dating advice is ALWAYS true in ALL situations. So be judicious when taking well-intended dating advice from people who don’t know your particular situation. But also remember that wise men think alike… but fools seldom differ.

Hello,

I am getting views on my profile, but no responses to my emails. I know it’s a numbers game and what not. I just wanted an expert to review my profile and see if any changes need to be changed.

Thank you,

David

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear “David,”

You’re right; it is a numbers game, but I appreciate you seeking help where others’ egos may prevent them from doing so.

Let’s start from the beginning: with your 100hookup username. I like that you incorporated one of your hobbies into the name and think it’s a keeper!

Your photos need some tweaking. The first photo is great! It shows your face and that you put some effort into taking a photo for your 100hookup profile. The next two can be deleted. The one with your cat doesn’t show your face and it’s confusing as to what’s going on. The third one is a beautiful photo of your family, but my eyes aren’t immediately drawn to you. I suggest you find 2-3 more photos that show you, facing the camera, without any distractions. You can always tack the family photo back on as option #5.

Of all the biographical paragraphs under “In My Own Words” the only one I don’t like is “My Life and Ambitions.” You already discussed being a successful entrepreneur, but then say you work for your family business… which is it? You don’t need to list your skill sets either. I do like your final line about law enforcement though, and think you could leave that as is, but this is also the place where you want to talk about if you want to get married and have a family. And since you included a picture of your family, you should include one line about them somewhere.

Aside from those few things I think your profile looks pretty good. You have a sense of humor and prove it. You seem like you would be an easy conversationalist. You’re in your mid-20’s and have set a good age range of 23-30. The only thing that might make a woman waver is… your height. You know how tall you are, so you know that 5’7 is considered “short” for a guy. Luckily for you, hookup ladies are not known for their height either. Make sure your preferences aren’t limited to height, and possibly even address it somewhere in your profile. For example: “I may not be very tall, but my personality more than makes up for it!”

I really think new photos will help turn views into dates. Remember, women will view you repeatedly to let you know they’re interested, so play the “viewing game” to make sure they’re into you before sending an email. Also, keep in mind that non-members can’t read their emails. If you would like me to review a sample email to see if you could be coming on too strong or writing something that’s a turn-off, please don’t hesitate to write again! Good luck!
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When you’re on a second date and it’s going well, then you become more and more apt to share personal stories. If you feel comfortable letting your guard down and opening up, that’s great! Here are a few tips to help you get there:

• Make sure the other person is also sharing, and therefore is on the same page in regards to the date going well and wanting to get to know you better and allowing you to get to know them — sharing should not be one-sided
• Keep the topics positive, talk about things that make you happy
• Don’t start the “ex” or divorce/widow conversation just yet
• Stay away from relaying stories of your dating past — as funny as some of our 100hookup stories are, this is not the time to exchange them

Be a good listener; don’t interrupt and make sure to ask a few questions to show you’re giving your date your undivided attention. Bonus points for being an observant storyteller — don’t drone on and on without noticing if your audience has lost interest. You’re look for a connection; the more you share and find commonalities, the closer you will feel.

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When the time comes to order drinks and food on a second date, there are a few ways to proceed: You can either do it the generic way with each person ordering for themselves, OR you can use it as an opportunity to bond by ordering together.

If you both want wine, perhaps agree on one type and order the bottle. Or, if you prefer hard liquor, then consider doing a shot together (not too much to drink, you don’t want to lower your inhibitions or make yourself vulnerable when you’re not in a position to get your home safely).

When it comes to the food, discuss what you can order and share rather than having separate dishes. Try to be open to trying to new delicacies, and don’t be disappointed to skip your favorite dish in lieu of something you can enjoy together instead. You can have lasagna anytime, but you won’t have the chance to bond over digging into a unique dish and creating a new experience together.

If you are more like a Joey from Friends and can’t share your fries then please try to at least share dessert. Liking – or hating – food together is a bonding experience and will create memories for you as a possible couple.

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Second dates are still not the right time for going to see a movie, live theatre, comedy show, or concert. You should pick another location where you can get comfortable and have a conversation. Find a locale that is both unique (to show you made a bit of an effort to choose something because you’re excited about the date) and informal — because you want to create a relaxed atmosphere to begin getting to know each other better.

It doesn’t have to be super expensive, but it shouldn’t be such a loud place that you can’t hear each other. And ideally this date occurs within a week from of the first date!

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“100hookup? Yeah, no one’s on that.” “I’ve tried it, but there’s no one on there.”

Have you ever heard someone say this before? I know I have. Heck, I’ve probably even said it before. But you know what? Unless you live in Antarctica, there ARE people on there. In fact, in preparation for this article, I searched in several different cities to find one with “literally no one on there,” and it was tough. Shout out to the 100hookuprs in Anchorage, Alaska; Cheyenne, Wyoming; and Bozeman, Montana!

I admit that for folks in these kinds of cities, local dating may present some challenges. And as someone even in a mid-sized Midwestern city, I can attest that sometimes the options feel… limited.  But, there usually aren’t zero options.  It can be quite discouraging to scroll through the “same old faces” and not see anyone who interests you. I get it.  And I totally understand why you might ignore the outdated profiles that have been cycling through your matches since the Bush administration. If you’ve used 100hookup for a little while, unfortunately it’s not hard for other “long termers” to become invisible! But I encourage you to take a second look. It’s possible that someone’s cover photo is unflattering, yet their essay reveals a more telling portrait of who he really is. Or maybe you exchanged a few messages with someone a couple years back, but now you’re curious if she still might be interested.  Regardless of why you may have skipped over or subconsciously ignored certain profiles, remember – we are all on the same site presumably looking for the same thing. Give people a chance – there is no obligation to buy!

Conversely, if you haven’t updated your photos or essays in a long time, or if you’ve changed something about yourself, it’s time to update your profile.  I know my eye goes straight to those little “updated” tags – it’s like a new and improved symbol.  A couple times I’ve even wondered who a new cute guy is only to realize that he’s the same person I had previously overlooked – just with an updated photo.

Your online presence is like your house or car – it requires a little bit of regular maintenance to keep it working effectively.  So unless you live in the Arctic Circle or a similarly populated place, it’s unlikely that there’s no one on 100hookup – just maybe no one who takes the time to regularly update and enhance their profile!  So mark your calendars: change your oil every 3,000 miles and update your profile and/or photo to keep everything in good working order.

I’m pretty sure I covered every aspect of a first date with my First Date Tips series (click on these links if you need to catch up: Go Together or Meet There, Patterns, Confirming Plans, Don’t Talk About That, Ease On In, Conversation Starters, Paying the Bill, Saying Goodbye, Post Date Follow-Up, Don’t Analyze Everything, No Expectations). But… what about the second date? Just because you chose to see each other again doesn’t mean you’re not nervous!

Second dates (and third and fourth dates) should be treated a lot like first dates in regards to having some level of formality… and with a certain amount of hesitancy. You still don’t know this person very well, you still shouldn’t be texting, and you still shouldn’t be engaging in any other social media (no Facebook friending yet!). You should still be making the effort to plan dates, and putting extra effort into getting ready, and be practicing the same conversational tips as your first date.

I’ll be going more into detail about what this all means in the coming weeks!

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My birthday was last week.  This is exciting only because it means I got to identify the most random Facebook wall-writer of the day. That’s a funny thing about birthdays in this era: it’s the one day a year you hear from people you barely know — your preschool bestie, someone you met once eight years ago on vacation, your old roommate’s cousin, a great aunt who is new to Facebook and now invites you to play Candy Crush every day, and sometimes even strangers. This year, someone I don’t know even enthusiastically wished me happy birthday on my wall! Conversely, I have friends I see regularly who don’t really acknowledge birthdays — it’s just not a big deal.  In some friendships, we’ve established an unspoken rule that we don’t exchange birthday gifts or really acknowledge the day. And that’s fine with me — no one gets mad — that’s just how it is.

My point is that there’s a lot of variability in how people acknowledge and celebrate birthdays. So how are you supposed to know if and how to acknowledge the special day of a brand new significant other? If you just started to date someone new, do you even mention your birthday? What if you don’t know if you’re exclusive yet — does it matter? What if you get him a birthday gift, but he doesn’t want to go out with you on his actual birthday? Is a surprise party out of the question? To avoid all these issues, you should probably plan to break up with this person right before either of your birthdays is approaching. You can get back together afterwards.

Kidding aside, this can be a tricky occurrence. So I’d recommend being honest and taking cues from the other person. If you’re a cake, ice cream, and presents-kind-of-person, say so! Assuming you’ve been out more than a couple times together, it can’t hurt to mention that your birthday is coming up and express your expectations.  Unless your expectations involve extravagant gifts or selfish demands. Then it could hurt.

However, if you like this new person, and you want her to be part of your birthday, invite them along to whatever you have planned.  If you’d rather spend your birthday solo, curled up with a book, that’s cool too!  Just tell your new significant other, so he or she doesn’t try to plan a surprise party.  And if you’re expecting a big deal, don’t say it doesn’t matter how you spend your birthday, because you’ll only wind up disappointed.  And don’t be offended if your new beau or lady excludes you from birthday plans — it could be that there were no plans at all, or they might want to do something really low-key with close family.

Oh, and a final note: if you do have a date on your birthday, please wear something other than your birthday suit!