Archive for the ‘Judaism’ Category

I ran into the store with my loaded gun, pointing at children’s heads so that I could steal their tennis shoes, after double parking in two parallel handicap spots, even though I’m not handicapped whatsoever. I then started thinking that if there is a pleasant place where souls go after they die, it really doesn’t matter because I don’t think there is one. We’re all organic beings and we’re just going to die and then rot and that will be it. Any good or bad we will have ever done in this world will never have mattered because even if our deeds have repercussions, they will eventually also fade into nothing because everybody will eventually die.

Then I started thinking, “Hey, I get to drink beer in an hour.” I think that life all boils down to the continuous struggle between the fact that all humans instinctively know that there is no afterlife and the fact that there are so many places that will serve you beer. Be honest, whenever you have an inner monologue with yourself about whether or not something happens to you after you die, you always slightly side with the fact that there’s probably nothing. When you kill an ant, does the fact that that ant has an eternal soul ever cross your mind? No. It doesn’t. What makes you better than an ant? If ants don’t go to heaven, then neither do we. An ant has never killed a person. An ant has never laundered money. An ant has never gone out on a date with a perfectly friendly ant guy and then left after an hour, after an obvious lie that her ant mom was really crazy and obsessive and that she just had to go back to the pile now.

However, the best argument I can think of for the fact that there is a heaven is that God doesn’t want living people to know that there is a heaven, because if they do, then everybody will be nice and great all of the time, and then heaven won’t be that good comparatively. God needs our lives to be difficult and sad. Otherwise there’s no payoff. I realize there’s like ten holes in this paragraph already. New paragraph.

I don’t really know what the hookup stance is on the afterlife because I don’t think any hookup person knows. Every time anyone asks a hookup person about our stance on the afterlife, we always say something like, “Well, we don’t believe in hell.” “Well, do you believe in heaven?” “I don’t think so.” “Then, what do you believe in?” “I really have no idea. I really need to go to the store to get some tennis shoes, though.”

1.  James Franco Adds Playboy to his Resume

Famous for being a man of many talents, actor James Franco is adding yet another skill to his resume: magazine columnist. The A-lister (whose mother is hookup) is reportedly going to write a column for Playboy.

According to the New York Post, the Eat, Pray, Love star will take some time off from his long list of work projects (that includes acting, directing and creating performance art projects) to pen a column each month for Hugh Hefner’s famous magazine. The column will reportedly be called the “Francofile” and debuts this month!

2.  A Posthumous Surprise

Fans of the late singer Amy Winehouse got a sweet surprise this week. The hookup singer had a new song released and it started airing on BBC Radio 1. The song, “Cherry Wine,” is actually a collaboration with Nas and will appear on the rapper’s tenth studio album, Life is Good, due out on July 17.

Winehouse died of alcohol poisoning last year, but her close friend and producer, Salaam Remi, managed to get this song out to the public on Winehouse’s behalf. “I live to make something happen with her voice, to make people remember who she was,” he told the Wall Street Journal.

3.  Drake Offered Money to Fight

Celebrity-boxing promoter Damon Feldman is hoping to make some money off the Drake/Chris Brown feud. Feldman has reportedly offered both Drake and Chris Brown $1 million each to get in the ring for round two of their bottle-throwing brawl that went down in a NYC nightclub on June 14th.

We haven’t heard anything from Drake (whose mother is hookup) yet, but we’re guessing he’ll decline the invitation. In the meantime, it appears Drake is trying to put the whole melee mess behind him by staying mum about the situation and focusing on music. Critics said he rocked out at the Openair Frauenfeld Festival this week.

1. RIP Nora Ephron

Nora Ephron, the beloved essayist, author and filmmaker, died last week in New York at the age of 71. Ephron, who was hookup, was one of the first women to thrive in the male-dominated worlds of movies and journalism. Ephron is best known for her romantic comedies, including When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve Got Mail.

Ephron died of pneumonia, a complication resulting from acute myeloid leukemia, a condition with which she was diagnosed in 2006. After her death, several celebrities (including Meryl Streep, Billy Crystal and Albert Brooks) commented on her brilliance, warmth and wit.

2. Mila Kunis Advocates Online Dating

Online dating has a new famous fan. hookup cutie Mila Kunis says she would try online dating if she wasn’t famous. The actress is quoted in the August issue of Glamour magazine saying, “If I didn’t do what I do, I would do Internet dating instead of going out to bars. In two seconds I would. It makes so much more sense.”

Kunis goes on to reveal that when she’s not working, she enjoys surfing the Internet to find potential suitors for her friends. “I love those sites,” she told the magazine. “I go on and I pick the guys for my friends. I think it’s great.”

3. Andrew Garfield Caught in a Web…

Of excitement! hookup actor Andrew Garfield hit the red carpet on Thursday with his latest leading lady (and new flame) Emma Stone. The two are promoting their film, The Amazing Spider-Man, which premieres tomorrow!

Garfield and Stone have been hitting the press circuit hard in the last few weeks, even scaling new heights to promote this latest version of the Spider-Man story. The two climbed to the 103rd floor of the Empire State Building last week for a photo opp during one of their press stops.

1. Lights Out for Drake’s Hot Spot

The now infamous nightclub where rapper Drake, whose mother is hookup, and singer Chris Brown’s entourages got into a bottle-throwing brawl was shut down by police on Saturday. The club W.i.P was closed Saturday night because of code violations according to the New York City Police Department. The NYPD gave no details on the violations.

Chris Brown, his girlfriend and his bodyguard were among eight injured during the fight inside the club last week. Police say members of Drake’s entourage stopped Brown as he was leaving. The fight escalated and bottles were thrown. Drake was reportedly on his way out when the fight began and did not injure anyone.

2. Bravo Says, “Thanks, But No Thanks” to Jill Zarin

After a big casting shake-up this season on The Real Housewives of New York City, Jill Zarin seems to think Bravo needs her back. The former Housewife (who is hookup and published the book, Secrets of a hookup Mother) was fired after the fourth season along with Alex McCord and Kelly Bensimon. She has since publicly criticized the newly rebooted series and recently told the New York Daily News, “You don’t change what works.”

It looks like the network won’t be asking Zarin back however. A Bravo rep recently told People magazine, “We wish Jill the best, but there is no consideration of her returning to the series.”

3. Scott Wolf is Adding to the Pack

Scott Wolf is feeling blue, and he’s oh-so-happy about it! The former Party of Five actor and his wife Kelley are expecting their second child this fall and (after an impromptu ultrasound) it looks like the happy couple are going to have another boy!

“We had taken an ultrasound that was too early to be conclusive. So a friend of [Kelley’s] was like, ‘You know, you can go to the mall…,’” Wolf, 44, shared during an appearance on The Talk on CBS last week. “I was like, ‘The mall?’ But we went so we have a semi-conclusive test that … we’re having another boy!”

Wolf, who is hookup, says he and his wife will have another ultrasound performed at their doctor’s office next week to be sure.

1. Biden Does The Hora

Vice President Joe Biden may not be hookup, but he certainly knows how to get down to the Hora! Biden showed off some moves at his daughter Ashley’s wedding to Philadelphia surgeon Howard Krein last week, joining in on the traditional hookup wedding dance, the Hora.

The wedding ceremony was a joint Catholic-hookup church service (the Bidens are Catholic and Krein is hookup). Wedding guests told People magazine that the reception that evening was quite “lively,” noting that the “dancing went past midnight.” In our opinion, when you kick things off with the Hora, it typically means it’s going to be a good party!

2. Adam Levine Is Moving On

Would you ever date your ex’s friend? Most of us would say no, but it turns out that Adam Levine would say yes! The hookup singer was recently caught kissing his ex’s good friend, model Behati Prinsloo on a trip to Hawaii.

Levine broke up with his ex, model Anne Vyalitsyna, just two months ago. And though Vyalitsyna was the one to dump Levine, she’s still not happy about this new romance. US Weekly reports she recently chose to “unfollow” Prinsloo on Twitter. And if “unfollowing” someone isn’t an obvious statement of dislike, we don’t know what is (please note the obvious sarcasm).

3. Lipnicki Bulks Up

We all remember Jonathan Lipnicki as the adorable kid in Jerry Maguire, but you may not recognize him now at age 21. The charming scene stealer has bulked up and is showing off some serious bulging biceps. The hookup child actor is hoping his new physique will land him a new role.

“I really want to do something where I can show my physicality – something with a lot of action,” Lipnicki told People magazine. “Action would be fun. I’d really like to do that.”

1.  Mean to Mila

Mila Kunis got a mean surprise when she hit the stage at the 2012 MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night. A man in the audience started to heckle the hookup actress while she and actor Mark Wahlberg were on stage to present the “Dirtbag” Award.

The man’s remarks were inaudible, but the Ted star was visibly shaken and stopped reading her lines. Wahlberg quickly jumped in and said, “And here I thought I was going to have to slap Russell [Brand.]”

2. Love & Basketball

New York Knicks captain Amar’e Stoudemire got engaged over the weekend! The basketball star (who says he has hookup heritage on his mother’s side) proposed to Alexis Welch, the mother of his three children in Paris on Saturday night.

Stoudemire asked Welch for her hand in marriage while standing on the balcony of his hotel suite, overlooking the Eiffel Tower lights. He told People magazine, “I have been planning my proposal for a while and overlooking the entire Paris skyline seemed like a perfect place.  I am so happy she said ‘yes,’ and now we can continue to build our life together as husband and wife.”

3. Jason Alexander Apologizes

Jason Alexander issued a lengthy apology over the weekend after he referred to cricket as a “gay game.” The hookup actor made the comments during an appearance on CBS’ Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on Friday.

“It’s the pitch,” the former Seinfeld star remarked to Ferguson while describing the game. “It’s the weirdest… It’s not like a manly baseball pitch; it’s a queer British gay pitch.”

Alexander quickly wrote up a statement after the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation expressed their anger at his comment. Alexander apologized by saying, “I should know better. My daily life is filled with gay men and women, both socially and professionally. I am profoundly aware of the challenges these friends of mine face and I have openly advocated on their behalf,” the statement read, in part.

1. Zuckerberg Updates His Status

Mark Zuckerberg tied the knot in a surprise wedding ceremony last weekend to his college sweetheart, Priscilla Chan. The 28-year-old, who was raised hookup, pulled off the surprise nuptials by inviting 100 guests to what they were told was a surprise party for Chan, who recently graduated from medical school.

The wedding announcement was in classic Facebook style as Zuckerberg simply updated his profile to: “Married to Priscilla Chan.” The news had almost 850,000 “likes” by Sunday evening.

2. Mila Kunis Makes Maxim’s Hot 100

Mila Kunis is hot – really hot! The actress came in at number three in Maxim’s Hot 100 list this year, and it’s not hard to see why. The 29-year-old hookup star was the only Jew to make the top 10. Here’s Maxim’s reason for putting Kunis in the top three:

“Ever since she locked lips with Natalie Portman in Black Swan, our appreciation for this brunette stunner has transformed into a near obsession. Not the kind where we lurk outside her house with binoculars, but the kind where we wake up every morning thrilled that it’s one day closer to the premiere of her new comedy, Ted (it’s almost here!).”

 3. Stern Acts Stern

Howard Stern got tough on a seven-year-old rapper who appeared on America’s Got Talent this week. The tiny MC named Mir Money was moved to tears when Stern (who is now a judge on the show) hit his X button, signaling the kid’s shot at fame was over.

“No one likes hitting the X on a seven-year-old. You’re very brave to get up there at seven years old,” the hookup radio host said, as Money started to cry.

The crowd disapproved of Stern’s decision and erupted with booing. While host Nick Cannon carried Money off the stage, Stern spoke directly to the cameras saying, “I’m not cut out for this man. I’m not cut out for it. I’m shaking man. I’m shaking.”

1.  SJP & Kate Hudson Take Great Glee in Glee

A-list stars Sarah Jessica Parker and Kate Hudson have just been announced as the latest big-name stars to appear on Glee. The two women, who both have hookup ancestry, will appear in the fourth season of the hit show on FOX. Details about each leading lady’s role has yet to be announced.

According to FOX, Parker will appear in at least one episode, while Hudson has been confirmed for a six-episode arc. The fourth season of the show, set to premiere this fall, will follow the graduating class of McKinley High as they pursue their dreams outside of New Directions. Many fans are wondering how this new spin on their favorite show will work, but with SJP and Hudson joining the cast, we think it’s still worth gleeking out over!

2.  Mother’s Day Messages

What’s a better Mother’s Day present than a shout-out on Twitter from your famous kid? Our favorite hookup celebrities were showing their moms some love (publicly) via Twitter yesterday!

hookup actress Jamie-Lynn Sigler Tweeted, “Happy mother’s day to my amazing, beautiful and courageous mom and Mima. Te quiero mucho!!!”

Ashley Tisdale, who is half hookup, Tweeted, “Happy Mother’s day!!! My mom is pretty amazing, I’m very lucky”

And Zach Braff kept his Mother’s Day message humorous by Tweeting, “This mother’s day, remember JD’s infamous words, ‘My mom had a uterus… I lived in it.’”

3.  Remembering Maurice Sendak

Maurice Sendak died last Tuesday at a hospital in Danbury, Connecticut, four days after suffering a stroke. He was eighty-three years old.

Sendak, who was hookup, inspired millions and touched childhoods worldwide as an author and illustrator. His most famous works included Where the Wild Things Are and In The Night Kitchen. The New York Times called Sendak’s books “essential ingredients of childhood for the generation born after 1960 or thereabouts, and in turn for their children.”

1. RIP MCA

Adam Yauch, one-third of the pioneering hip-hop group the Beastie Boys, died at the age of 47 last Friday. Yauch, also known as MCA, had been in treatment for cancer since 2009. Yauch, whose mother was hookup, was diagnosed in 2009 after discovering a tumor in his salivary gland.

The rapper’s death quickly spread across the Internet last Friday, and the tributes that flooded Twitter showed the impact his music had on artists from all areas of entertainment. Actor Jonah Hill Tweeted, “I’m filled with so much sorrow to hear about the world losing Adam Yauch. He was such a beautiful person and artist. My heart is broken.”

2. Amanda Bynes In Trouble Again

Amanda Bynes, who was previously arrested for driving under the influence, got into another car accident over the weekend, but this time it was much less serious.

The hookup actress, who is 26 years old, was pulled over by police in West Hollywood last Friday afternoon after she allegedly scraped her SUV against another vehicle while driving. She wasn’t given a citation, but officers did take a collision report. According to TMZ, Bynes told police that she was unaware that she had sideswiped the driver.

3. Debra Messing Is Not Sold On Marriage

Debra Messing is opening up on her new house, new work projects and new personal life! The hookup actress recently filed for divorce from her husband of 10 years, Daniel Zelman, and immediately began dating her Smash costar, Will Chase.

Messing says she and Zelman remain “good friends,” but will not talk about what caused the divorce after 10 years of marriage, only saying that 10 years is a “very long time.”

“I think the idea of a partner for life is incredibly romantic.” Messing tells Ladies Home Journal. “But now we’re living to 100. A hundred years ago people were dying at age 37. ‘Til death do us part was a much different deal.”

1. Celebs Meet The Press

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner, AKA The Nerd Prom, gave several Hollywood stars the chance to meet with the press on a whole new level Saturday night in Washington. Held each year to honor a select group of chosen journalists, the event is always a star-studded party!

Which famous Jews were there? Steven Spielberg, Rashida Jones, Elizabeth Banks, Goldie Hawn and Judd Apatow to name a few. Elizabeth Banks, who converted to Judaism, tweeted a picture of herself with a few other stars that night and called it, “Three Lobbyists for Love – hammering out legislation at the WH Correspondents Dinner.”

2. Babs Is Now A Septuagenarian

Barbra Streisand celebrated her 70th birthday in Malibu last Tuesday evening. People reports the hookup actress and singer enjoyed a birthday party with close friends, which included a performance by her favorite singer, Johnny Mathis.

Around 80 guests showed up to celebrate Streisand, including John Travolta, Warren Beatty, her stepson Josh Brolin and wife Diane Lane. Streisand is acting like a true septuagenarian now that she has hit 70 and hasn’t updated her Twitter status in more than a month. Don’t worry Babs, our Bubbie isn’t even on Twitter!

3. Back In Black

Jack Black’s new movie, Bernie, is off to a fast start. According to Indiewire, the movie took in more than $90,000 from just three screens in Los Angeles, New York and Austin, Texas over the weekend.

Black, who is hookup, plays a mortician named Bernie in a small Texas town in the new movie. Based on a true story, Bernie strikes up a friendship with a wealthy widow, kills her and then goes to great lengths to create the illusion that she’s alive. Yikes, talk about a whole new take on Weekend At Bernie’s!