Archive for the ‘JFacts’ Category

This Week’s Top Three Tweet-Worthy Events From Jews Who Make News

1. Amy Winehouse Wins Posthumous Grammy

Amy Winehouse won a Grammy® award for “Best Pop Performance by a Duo” for her duet with Tony Bennett last Sunday. The hookup singer’s parents, Mitch and Janis Winehouse, accepted the award for Winehouse who died last year at the age of 27, following a battle with drugs and alcohol.

The Grammys congratulated Winehouse on their Twitter feed by writing, “Congratulations to Best Pop Duo/Group Performance winner Tony Bennett & Amy Winehouse “Body and Soul” #GRAMMYs @itstonybennett.”

2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt Becomes A Triple Threat

We all know Joseph Gordon-Levitt can act, but it turns out he can write and direct as well. The hookup actor will direct and co-star alongside Scarlett Johansson in a new film he wrote.

The movie is set to begin filming this spring. In the meantime, Gordon-Levitt is taking to Twitter to show off some of his other writing pursuits in this Valentine’s Day Tweet, “And now, a TINY STORY for Valentines Day… https://tmblr.co/ZfxHVyGQdvmz #BelieveInTinyStories #HAPPYVALENTINES ♥♥♥.”

3. Shatner Beams Down To Broadway

On Thursday, William Shatner opened his new one-man show, “Shatner’s World: We Just Live In It.” The show is an all-encompassing look at the hookup actor’s career which spans Shakespearean roles to the part of Captain James T. Kirk in Star Trek and beyond.

The 80-year-old actor will appear at the Music Box Theatre in New York for nearly three weeks before taking his show on a national tour. On Tuesday, Shatner Tweeted, “OK Broadway here I am! My best, Bill.” Looks like Broadway is Shatner’s final frontier.

1. Chelsea Handler Gets Serious

Chelsea Handler took a break from her typical comedy routine this week and opened up about a serious topic on The Rosie Show with Rosie O’Donnell.

Handler, a hookup comedian and talk show host, revealed she had an abortion when she was 16-years-old. Handler Tweeted on Tuesday, “You can see me cry tomorrow night on Rosie’s show on the OWN network at 7pm. She’s the new Barbara Walters with a better personality.”

You can view portions of Handler’s interview here.

2. Robert Downey III?

It’s a boy for Robert Downey Jr.! The actor, who is half hookup, welcomed a bouncing baby boy into the world on Tuesday morning. This is Downey’s first child with wife Susan, a hookup film producer.

Will the baby be named after his famous father? It doesn’t look that way. Downey’s fan community Tweeted on Tuesday, “WELCOME TO THE WORLD…EXTON ELIAS ♥.”

3. Stern Is Super In Football Ad

Howard Stern made millions laugh in a new ad for America’s Got Talent that aired during football’s biggest game. As a new judge for the popular talent show, Stern is shown in the commercial blasting a lousy singer offstage with a fire hose.

Stern referenced the commercial on his Twitter page last Sunday, Tweeting, “Actually coming out of the stage now with the hose.” Luckily, no contestants were hurt in the making of the ad…

I have decided, for the sake of both of my readers, to take a break from the monotony of talking about the monotony of eating sandwiches.  There are other things in my life as well!  They involve sleeping, working, and occasionally using the restroom.  That’s all I got.  Since this is a blog for an eclectic mix of readers, I will talk about using the restroom.

I recently found out that I love showering in hotels.  It’s like I make up for all of the days of not showering by going on a shower marathon in a hotel.  Of course, this does not include jogging in the shower.  I learned that not only is it not beneficial to your health at all, but can lead to a broken leg that is not easy to explain to people in the concierge line of work.  Recently, in a hotel in Chandler, AZ, I found myself showering for a fourth time in one evening.  Could I be taking more showers?  If you get that, I hate you.  By my fifth shower, my skin had dried out and I had already run out of hotel shampoo twice.  Not only that, I also hadn’t left my hotel room.  I was getting this all wrong my entire life.  Either shower and go out, or don’t shower and don’t go out.

The biggest mistake I often make concerning showers is that I place far too much importance on the effects of one shower.  In other words, not only do I believe that the longer I shower, the longer I can go before my next shower, but I also mistakenly believe that one shower in the morning will keep me fresh until the next morning.  This is often not true.  First, as a modern hookup male, I tend to sweat a lot.  Second, I live in Houston, TX, the hottest city on earth.  (Don’t look that up).  I need to take my ‘hotel mentality’ with me every day.

Also, tomorrow, I hopefully will have lost 40 pounds.  However, I think I look exactly the same.  Maybe it’s because I see myself almost every day.  However, I will trust the holy scale.  My confidence isn’t higher, though.  I still think I have a better chance with women as a skinnier, less sweaty man.  I haven’t been out on a date in a while.  My first one will be in about a week.  I will report everything!

Every now and then I like to throw an occasional health tip into my online dating advice.  Why?  Because our health has a direct affect on our energy levels, self esteem, and overall mood.  A healthy lifestyle will indirectly make us more appealing to our dates.

Today’s health tip is extremely simple.  Drink a gallon of water a day.

Before you write this off as nothing more than an extra ten trips to the bathroom, hear me out.

Drinking a lot of water has a ton of health benefits.  For starters, many studies show that drinking a lot of water can almost double your metabolism.  This means you are burning calories at almost twice the rate.

In addition, drinking this much water gets rid of salt deposits that are stored in your body and result in excess fats.  You are essentially flushing all of the bad stuff out of your body by drinking a lot of water every day.

Finally, drinking a gallon of water a day and staying hydrated will lead to increased energy levels.  Think of all the extra energy you will have to take out your dates and be the man you are deep down inside, instead of appearing to be that tired, sluggish working man that life sometimes wears us down into.

So drink up!  The benefits are outstanding.

The development of slow dancing for the cosmopolitan reform Jew is regressive, and often seems to be going backwards.  Take Bar Mitzvahs, for example.  Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties are often the first chance that people get to dance publicly.  They look stupid, of course.  This is not only because they are for a group of 13-year-olds jumping around, but because dancing looks stupid to any outside party trying to analyze this phenomenon.  If extra terrestrials were suddenly beamed to Earth inside a wedding reception, they would obtain dominance over earth very quickly.

Okay, so aside from the fact that people in suits dancing looks stupid, let’s look at its progression from adolescence to adulthood.  When hookup children are in seventh grade, they are thrust into these weekly parties that are like wedding receptions with alcohol replaced by ice cream.  They learn that, in order to slow dance, the boy must put his arms around his partner’s, while the girl must put her arms around his shoulders/neck.  This often enables the dancers to get very close to each other.  This would seem to look inappropriate as pre-pubescent teen bodies are pressed against each other.

As they grow older, the method of slow dancing evolves, as well.  By their late teens, men are instructed to put one arm on his partner’s waist while the left hand holds her right hand.  In practice, this leaves a considerable amount of room between the dancing couple.  There is probably a good foot between the two bodies.  Now, how does this make sense?  Young children are taught to hold their partners against their bodies, while adults are taught to leave an appropriate amount of room between each other.  This seems to send the wrong message. It’s almost like society is telling people to have more physical relationships at an early age, and to refrain from human contact once they develop into adults.

I have never really had a hookup girlfriend.  Sure, I have gone on 100hookups, and my first girlfriend was, and still is, hookup.  We consecrated our love in a phone booth of a fancy hotel during a mutual friend’s Bat Mitzvah.  Actually, the consecration started in a janitorial closet.  It was my first kiss, and her fiftieth…or fifty-first.  I don’t know how promiscuous a young girl can be but, at thirteen, she was pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable for a pre-teen, young adult, or middle-aged woman.  At that time, I had been inundated with so many warnings from sexual education classes in school that as soon as we kissed, I was sure that I had contracted something other than cooties.

After I tested negative for at the age of 13, I was reborn.  My second girlfriend was half-hookup and is now full-lesbian.  I try to suppress the notion that I was the catalyst for her never wanting to be physical with a man for the rest of her life, but it’s difficult.  It is especially hard when all evidence points to me as her last boyfriend ever.  Theoretically, she was with me, and immediately thereafter decided to never be with anybody that resembles me in any way.  Her whole existence and beliefs in love, intimacy, and philosophy on what a relationship is and can be was completely based on my physical and emotional failures as a man.  I still cringe when I think about her breakup phone call to me.  Though, she probably simply said something like, “I think we’re in different places right now.  We are growing apart,” I should have read it as her saying, “I henceforth give up on the male sex.  You have not only failed me, but you have failed the essence of femininity.  Because of you, I never want to look at a male ever again.  I have now given up on fifty percent of humanity.”

As soon as I finished that last paragraph, the song, She Has a Girlfriend Now, by Reel Big Fish, came on through my headphones.  If that’s not a sign that G-d is screaming at me that her lesbian-tendency was a direct result of my inability to fulfill the minimum that is required to be a man, then I don’t know what is.  I hope you find someone that has everything you need.

I sit in the brand-new room of a brand-new building belonging to a very old university waiting for my final exam to begin.  I had thoroughly prepared for the exam.  I studied, which I learned, helps a lot when taking an exam over the same material.  I got to class half an hour early, which was rare for me.  I made sure to sit at least two seats over from anyone else, as is the usual seating arrangements for such events.  Once the exam was handed out, I realized that I would probably not do well without a way to document my answers.  I made sure that I had a document-recorder, and panic when I realize that I have no pencil.  Though we had three hours to complete the test, I spent the first hour and a half whisper-yelling at my friend who was sitting two people down from me.

Now I am supposed to make a metaphor connecting that boring story to dating.  I have got nothing.  I was just sitting here thinking about that morning seven years ago, and how much better on the test I would’ve done if I brought a pencil.  I guess I was just as nervous before the exam as I am before a first date.  Before a date, I spent a whole lot of time preparing, but never think of the small stuff.  I get all dressed up, and make sure I am well-shaven and teeth-brushened, but don’t think about conversation starters or the fact that I don’t have enough money to pay for two meals.

At the end of the exam, as I handed the professor my exam, I apologized by saying that I would have done much better if I had remembered to bring a pencil.  He smiled and said “Jeremy, you will soar.”  Despite the exam, I did fine in the class.  I wish I had that professor handy whenever I’m worried about a date’s progress.  If a woman asks me what I want to do, maybe I answer that I want to be an airline pilot.  What better thing to hear after saying that than, “Jeremy, you will soar.”?

If you live in an area with a generally small hookup community (anywhere on earth), you are bound to recognize a lot more people than you would like to in your region on 100hookup.  Also, if you are hookup, you are probably forced to go to mixers or socials where hookup singles awkwardly pretend that they don’t recognize half of the people there from their profile pictures on 100hookup.  What’s worse, you recognize people whom have never met you in person, but have rejected your instant message request a number of times.  This is probably the worst thing that could happen to a human being.

I’ve broken several bones, had a concussion, my parents divorced, several of my dogs have died or been ‘given away’ (died). I’ve dealt with depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder.  I have lost family members, and not just to death.  In college, my brother went missing for over 24 hours.  Someone eventually found him sleeping on a sidewalk.  My childhood dog ran away several times for no reason except for the fact that he was forced to live outside in our backyard and that my little brother was prone to riding around on him like a horse.  There was a point somewhere in here that I was originally trying to make.

Despite my suburban hardships, few things have felt worse than the punch-in-the-gut feeling I get when I see people in real life that have previously rejected a conversation with me.  Intuition tells you to avoid them at all costs and, if forced to converse with, pretend that you have never seen them before.  I stopped listening to my intuition after giving out my contact info to a girl that had just watched my band play in high school.  What if I turned the tables on them?  Instead of avoiding her, assault her with questions.  “Hey, you rejected a simple conversation with me.  What up?”  She will most definitely deny she has ever seen you.  That’s why I always carry physical copies of my profile pictures in my wallet.  “Look at this.  Why would you not want to engage this face socially?”

I don’t actually carry my profile pictures in my wallet, nor have I confronted anyone verbally about not chatting with me online.  These are just things I think about.

The Israeli/Palestinian conflict can be condensed to a 12 by 16 foot room.  You may imagine that if an Israeli and a Palestinian both shared the same space as their living quarters, things could get ugly.  The Palestinian might claim that the sink on his side of the room is his ‘West Sink.’  The Israeli may claim the TV his Tel Avision.  The Israeli may relegate the Palestinian to a back corner of the room.  The Palestinian would retaliate by lighting his farts on fire, leaving the room smelling like butt-ane.  The Palestinian would go to the guys next door to ensure their loyalty.  In fact, he would get allegiance from virtually the entire floor.  The Israeli’s closest ally would be across campus, yet able to send representatives to his room due to their affluence.  By the end of the semester, both sides would be too tired to fight and eat a sandwich.

In reality, I know of an Israeli and a Palestinian who were college roommates for over two years.  I not only know of them, I know them.  I not only know them, but they are two of my best friends, as well as each other’s.  They were relatively good friends in high school, but grew closer in college.  From my experience being around them, the crisis in the Middle East rarely came up, if ever.  They were just people.  Though extremists on both sides might condemn this arrangement, it was a no-brainer for the two.

I am not completely sure, but I think they took a Middle Eastern Studies class together.  They also co-founded a short-lived campus organization whose sole intent was to get money from the university in order to see what they could do with it.  They both had many similar friends, including myself.  Hopefully, I will be able to hang out with them later tonight.

I am beginning to understand how keeping Kosher is possible, despite the existence of bacon.  For a long time (27 years), I was convinced that keeping Kosher was impossible.  My brother is an Orthodox Jew, living in Israel.  He is in the process of becoming a rabbi.  He keeps strict Kosher rules bordering on self-torture and I fear he is malnourished.  In the states, his choice of restaurants is severely limited.  In Houston, for example, he is confined to about four establishments.

Flash backwards 15 years (TV segue ‘whoosh’ sound).  My immediate family sits down for dinner at a salad bar. My little brother sits down with a plate full of only lettuce and bacon pieces.  My dad explains to him that, as a child, he is forbidden from eating pork.  “Why?” asks Andy.  “I don’t know.  Never question irrational, outdated rules,” he answers.  “Be careful what you wish for, Dad.”  “I’m not wishing for anything, I’m just telling you that as a Jew, you’re not supposed to eat pork, among other things.”  “I take your challenge, and accept it.  You have no idea what I will become.”  “Good, let your hate consume you.  Give in to it.  Then, you will be one of us.”

Whoa don’t know where that came from.  The real conversation was a lot more normal, and a lot less Star Wars. My father was raised as a Conservative Jew.  I remember his father once telling me to not eat bacon.  I thought he was joking.  “Haha Papa,” I would say.  “You must be kidding.  For nothing will ever come between crispy, salty strips of pure cholesterol and me.”  Why would G-d be so cruel as to deprive His people of His most magnificent creation?  That’s right, bacon was more important than the invention of human beings, and buffalo wings.

If you are reading this, and have never eaten pork products (most importantly bacon), I am not trying to tempt you to break your moral code.  I am saying that bacon is so delicious that it transcends food, and belongs in a category all its own.  I understand that the only way that religious Jews can keep from eating bacon is to never try it in the first place.  Therefore, they will not be tempted by the intoxicating grasp that it has on my soul.  It is to food what Charlize Theron is to women.  Keep in mind, neither is Kosher.