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A few weeks ago I answered a 100hookupr’s email about ghosting, and now it’s a topic of an article in The New York Times. So why is disappearing so popular? There’s definitely an awkwardness to telling someone you’re not interested, but you can get past that with just a little etiquette:

• Before a Date:

At least make contact to cancel. If the excuse is a lie, don’t just stand the person up, that sucks.

• After a 1st Date:

It’s awkward to let someone know after one date that they didn’t entice you enough for a second. Since you can’t use the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse, this may be the one situation where it’s understandable to just disappear. Plus, it’s not so hurtful after just one date.

• Between 2nd and 6th Dates:

You owe them some sort of explanation, but you don’t have to get personal. You should call, but an email or text is marginally acceptable. Let the person know you don’t see a future together, but you think they’re awesome and wish them luck. Ghosting at this point will give you a bad rep and will sour what otherwise would be remembered as a nice couple of dates.

• After 6 Dates… Until ‘The Get Serious Talk:’

There’s absolutely no ghosting at this point. If you’re ending it, you need to call and say something, anything. Even if you lie and say that you have been dating someone else and it’s become more serious, it’s better than ghosting. You owe them a phone call. You don’t need to engage in a conversation and don’t fall into the trap of why, how, when, who, etc. Just be respectful. More than six dates means you’ve been dating about a month or more, and that’s a substantial enough amount of time.

• After ‘The Talk:’

Don’t pull a Charlize Theron like the article says and ghost on an official boyfriend or girlfriend. Just don’t do it. Bottom line: put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about if you’d want an explanation, excuse, or even just a superficial apology… or if you’d be okay with never hearing from someone who you were interested in. Follow me on Instagram @howtowooajew

Dear Tamar,

Can you please advise women to stop wearing the Han Solo uniform on dates?

Thank you,

Chewbacca and Friends

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Dear Chewy,

Done.

Okay, but really, I get it. Autumn is upon us, and with that comes a new wardrobe. I don’t know about you, but I’m not so sad to see the super short-shorts go away for awhile. I’ve seen enough tuchus this summer to last a lifetime! Fall clothing is nice because it’s not too baring and not too bulky. Regardless, women should make more of an effort for a date than just skinny jeans, boots, and a vest.

Ladies: you don’t want to shave your legs for a first date? Fine. So wear a dress or a long sweater over tights with booties. Show your prospect that you put in the effort and are excited about the date by dressing up a bit. It’s the least you can do. Save the Han Solo get-up (which I do love myself) for a girls night or a day at the mall.

Get more advice about first date etiquette in How to Woo a Jew: The Modern hookup Guide to Dating and Mating.

Dear Tamar,

I met a guy on 100hookup a couple of months ago and we’ve become nearly inseparable! It’s been amazing… except for one thing: he’s 5 years younger than me. It may be normal for the guy to be older, but not so much for the girl. Although it doesn’t bother me (he’s really mature and better than any guy my age or older that I’ve met in the past few years!), I think he’s starting to feel pressure because I’m turning 30 next month. I do want to get married and have a family and all that, but it’s not like my biological clock is deafening. I don’t want him to get freaked out now that I’m entering my thirties. He’s made a few comments here and there, and the friends and family we’ve introduced each other to have joked around about it. What do I do?

-100hookupr Turning 30

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Dear 100hookupr Turning 30,

First, many mazals on meeting someone awesome! I’m glad that you both were open to someone who likely wouldn’t fall within the generalized “preferred” age range for your age. A connection is a connection, and being a couple of years older or younger than who you “thought” you should date becomes irrelevant.

I think the best move for you is to confront it head on. Next time the opportunity presents itself, tell your boyfriend that you know your impending birthday might be freaking him out, but that it doesn’t change anything. Let him know that you’re happy where you are in your life, and in your relationship, and that entering a new decade doesn’t need to put any pressure on your relationship. You have to back up those words with actions and perhaps also politely let your friends and family know that the age jokes are not appreciated.

That said, you both do need to have a sense of humor about the fact that you’re a “cougar” at age 29 — and be able to laugh because you’re confident in your relationship, rather than cringe because you’re insecure in your relationship.

Follow Tamar on Instagram @HowtoWooaJew.

Dear Tamar,

I fear mentioning my love of romance in my 100hookup profile because it may turn guys off. I am a hopeless romantic and I’ve tried to tamper that part of me, but it doesn’t work… it’s a part of me. I love watching and reading classic romances, and romantic comedies, and although I’m not expecting Richard Gere to climb up my fire escape, I think men get scared that I’m too high maintenance. All I want is some consistent flattery (that goes both ways!), and for the like/love to be shown as well as said. Why is it too much to expect a man to remember special dates, to make reservations more than a day in advance, and to stop and buy flowers on days that aren’t my birthday or Valentine’s Day or our anniversary? And how do I communicate this need?

-Hopeless Romantic

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Dear Hopeless Romantic,

I personally don’t think you’re asking too much to a certain extent. Let’s start with how to express your desire for it before getting to what you should realistically expect.

Grab a thesaurus (or use your favorite wordy website) and find synonyms for “romance” and “romantic” so that you aren’t overloading your profile with words that may be equated with lovey-dovey, sappy, syrupy, fairy-tale fantasies. Instead mention — no more than twice! — that you are a lover at heart, you’re looking for someone to dote on who enjoys being affectionate as well, you believe in love, and so on along those lines. In the section about your ideal relationship you can mention wanting to find someone where you can’t keep your hands off each other and want that to last longer than the “honeymoon phase.” You can also simply say you’re a hopeless romantic, but that you’re feet are firmly grounded in reality.

Speaking of reality — life is not a rom-com and even the best of intentions are difficult to continue consistently. A man who brings you flowers every week may be running late one night and skip the tradition even though he enjoys watching you receive them, and then another night just be too lazy to stop even though he doesn’t want to stop making you feel special, and another night… life happens. And that’s okay. You have expectations, but you also have to be realistic and forgiving. It’s good that you mention being romantic in return; don’t stop doing that because you didn’t get flowers one week. If it makes you feel good to give, then keep giving, even if you aren’t receiving in return, otherwise it defeats the purpose and reduces the intent.

And remember that people view romance differently. One man may think holding your hand is hugely romantic! And it may be for him, and that should be appreciated! Other men don’t know what you mean when you ask for romance, so be specific because none of us are mind-readers. If you are happy with a date, but would like some more romance, then speak up and ask for it… nicely. If you’re already being romantic on your end, then it shouldn’t be too difficult for him to match that.

One last note: make sure you aren’t expecting too much romance too quickly and that you aren’t giving of too much romance too quickly. The former is unrealistic and the latter is overwhelming.

Want more advice like this? Buy How to Woo a Jew: the Modern hookup Guide to Dating and Mating, available now!

Dear Tamar,

I just received an email from an ex-boyfriend on 100hookup and I’m freaking out! It’s been 10 years… but he Broke. My. Heart.

It’s one of the few relationships I’ve never forgotten. At the time, I had to delete every remnant of him from my life so that I wouldn’t find an excuse to make contact; that’s how bad it was. But now here he is, still looking good. My knees buckled when I saw his name and photo, let alone that he reached out to me, asking how I’m doing and how things are.

So what to do I do?

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Dear “Ex Emailer,”

This happened to me, but on Facebook. My pulse began racing and I broke out in a cold sweat upon seeing his name, and even felt a bit giddy that he had been looking for me! I hemmed and hawed over adding him, and initially did so he could see via photos how happy and fabulous I was without him! But, then he sent me a message and I was not interested in opening that door again… so I unfriended him and forgot about him.

With this scenario playing out on 100hookup it’s a bit different… he didn’t seek you out, but rather came upon your profile because you fit his search preferences and live in the same area. Him writing you an email is flattering, and you can do the polite thing and write back a brief email that is warm but also not too inviting. You don’t owe him anything, and that includes too much of your time. Don’t supply too much information and don’t expect much, if anything, in return. Many people — women, mainly, let’s be honest — have these fantasies that the guy who broke our hearts will return as our knight in shining armor, admitting that his biggest mistake ever was letting us go. That may happen in some sappy movie, but it’s not real life, so don’t get your hopes up. You moved on back then… continue to not look back.

Get more How to Woo a Jew on Instagram!

Hi Tamar,

My friend is cute and sweet, but not getting any attention on 100hookup. Can you take a look at his profile and see what you think?

Thanks!

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Dear “friend” of Barry,

You’re right… your friend is cute and does seem sweet! So, let’s see how I can help your, I mean, his profile get more attention.

Photos
Let’s start with the photos. I like the main profile picture a lot, but do prefer more of a headshot for this photo rather than one where we can’t see his face (although I can tell that he is indeed cute). The other two photos are just okay, but would be better if there was that clear close-up of his face so that these were the fun complementary photos since they are both kind of dark.

Profile Name
Leaves something to be desired. Very typical “male” profile name of what is likely his last name and some digits. Barry seems to have much more personality than this profile name suggests.

In My Own Words
You know, there’s nothing here I would really change. I like what he had to write, which is why I think the focus needs to be on fixing his profile name and photos to support this. I would add a bit here and there… saying that your history is not “brief” can be seen as a sketchy answer since a 34-year-old should really be able to answer this without writing a book like the 62-year-old 100hookupr who asked for an ‘Extreme Profile Makeover’ last week.

I can deduce by his tidbit about Philly sports teams that he’s likely from there originally — at the very least he can expand upon that and explain how he got to Los Angeles. This can either go in the “About Me” section or “Brief History” section. He also mentions not being able to live without his family, so he can also add which family members he’s close to so that dating prospects can begin to create a connection.

His Details
There are WAY TOO MANY blanks in this section, which only adds to the sketchiness I mentioned before. Too many blanks, unanswered questions, and too short of answers make it seem like the person is not really taking this seriously. Not everything needs to be filled in, but “My Ideal Match” needs more. What are his general preferences for a woman’s age? I suggest 25-35 for a 34-year-old man. Since he has his bachelor’s degree and says he’s established in his career, then he likely wants a woman who also has a minimum of a bachelor’s degree. He says he’s Reform and never goes to temple, so he should add those to the list as well.

Find more profile advice in the book “How to Woo a Jew: The Modern hookup Guide to Dating and Mating” available now!

Dear Tamar,

I met a girl on 100hookup about a month ago and we have been seeing each other a lot — like 4-5 times a week. It’s felt natural but I’m concerned that we’re moving too fast. How do I slow it down without her thinking I’m not interested and inadvertently ending the relationship?

Dear Fast-Mover,

This is actually a common conundrum. You don’t want to mess with the flow and you do look forward to seeing the person again as soon as possible, but when you take a step back you realize that it’s only been a month yet feels like it’s been 6 months or more you get a bit freaked out. This isn’t a bad thing, but most have us have probably been burned by moving too fast and slowing things down is not a bad idea. So how do you do it?

Have a talk and be honest. If you really, truly like the girl and aren’t doubting the relationship then perhaps state that you want to make it official that you’re in a monogamous, committed relationship and that said, you also need to make sure you’re not abandoning work, working out, friends, family, hobbies. Let her know that you are all-in and excited to see where the relationship goes and so you want to slow things down a bit and make sure that you have quality dates versus quantity. You will need to reassure her with positivity so that she knows you’re not trying to play her. And commit to what you said you would do by making future plans on the spot.

Tamar Caspi is the author of How to Woo a Jew: The Official hookup Guide to Dating and Mating.

Dear Tamar,

For the first time in a long time I finally liked a guy and we had a few awesome dates, after which he and I emailed and discussed making plans… but then I never heard from him again!

What went wrong?

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Dear ‘What Went Wrong,’

That sucks. It seriously is the worst part of dating. I hate when people do that (it’s not always men, women are just as guilty); it’s rude and inconsiderate and simply not good for karma! So, here’s the way I look at it: this guy did you a favor by cutting out after only a few dates because he is clearly not who you thought he was, and is not the right guy for you. It’s not personal. It’s more a reflection of who this guy actually is than anything about you. It stings to not have closure, but chalk it up to him saving you from more grief later on and move on. And know that you are in good company because EVERYONE has had this happen to them… now make sure you don’t do it to someone else!

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Dear Tamar,

I really want to find someone to share the rest of my life with… or at least someone to share life’s days ahead, one day at a time. I’ve been independent since 1992 — with relationships — but only a select few (as I had a young son). I’ve been camera shy till recently, so I need a full figure photo (which should go in my favor). Plus, I’d like to show my 2 pups: LOVE ME, LOVE MY DOGS.

Can you help?

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Dear “Deb,”

Let’s see, where shall we begin? I love your profile photo — and yes, you need additional supporting pictures (as you know). I also like your profile name and how you tie it back into the profile later. The rest I will dissect below:

In My Own Words
I’m going to break this down by section since you answered every section.

• About Me
  Nice, concise, witty, and complete. Leave as is, aside from one thing: you talk about looking young for your age. Rather than list the exact age people think you are, simply say that people think you’re 20 years younger, and that you often have to show your ID to prove them wrong.
• My Life and Ambitions
  There are some typos that need to be fixed. Also, I would delete the part about “this New Year” since Rosh Hashanah will come and go, and then you’ll be left with an outdated profile or the need to update again. A timeless account is best. In fact, I’d delete that sentence and the ones following it. What you wrote up until then is good and the rest is redundant.
• A Brief History of My Life
  The keyword here is brief. Six paragraphs is not brief. I’d eliminate the last part of the first paragraph about your father’s family, as that is awesome information to share on a date. Delete the second, fourth, fifth, and sixth paragraphs. Then condense the first and third and make it cohesive. The cities you’ve lived in and why you moved, when you divorced and your son, your career. The rest either belongs in other categories — which you may have even already covered in those sections — or they should wait to be used on dates.
• My Perfect First Date/On Our First Date Remind Me to Tell You About
  Both of these are great!
• The Things I Could Never Live Without
  Also great!
• My Favorite Books, Movies, etc
  I’d suggest condensing and listing more like this:
  Books: Tony Robbins, 20th Century Classics
  Movies: I’m obsessed with classic films and am quite the trivia buff!
  TV: all Law & Order, Sci-Fi, epic dramas, NO reality TV
• The Coolest Places I’ve Visited/ For Fun I Like To…
  I don’t think these are necessary. You don’t need to answer all the questions, and since you only have so much time in which to pique the interest of a prospect, you should only keep the ones that add something of substance.
• On Friday and Saturday Nights
  This is good as is.
• I’m Looking For/ My Ideal Relationship
  Pick one or the other, you don’t need both.
• My Past Relationships
  I think you’ve given waaaaay too much information here. We get it: you are friends with your exes, and that’s awesome! Just saying that is enough; you don’t need to go into detail. Leave the first line and delete the rest.
• You Should Message Me If…
  This is good as is.

Your Details and My Ideal Match are both fine. Make sure you play around with some of those preferences to make sure you’re seeing all your prospects (age range, marital status) and that they know you are open to them as well. You’re 62, but look younger, so a 70-year-old man who looks younger may be a great fit — don’t count him out!

For more advice on revamping your profile, visit HowtoWooaJew.

Dear Tamar,

Help! I’m a longtime recluse, just escaping my cocoon after a series of life events. I look and feel great, but am gun-shy, rusty and IGNORANT on how to date successfully online and in-person. Though I’m 63 next month, NO ONE (even doctors!) believe I’m over 42. I’m at the age where I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. My fear is saying too much, the wrong thing, or coming on too hyper. Any advice?

-Former Recluse

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Dear Former Recluse,

Congratulations on coming out of the cocoon, and welcome to the world of online dating! The biggest piece of advice I have for people who don’t know what to say on dates is to make sure you’re a good listener first and foremost. You can listen well by showing attentiveness, engaging your date by asking follow-up questions, and making a connection by inserting comments when you have something in common.

As a young looking 63-year-old woman you have a bit of a challenge ahead of you. It would be better for you to list an age range of 55-70. It’s wide, but your age is right in the middle and gives the chance to show a 55-year-old man that age is a state of mind… just as much as a 70-year-old can prove to you the same thing. When you look different from your age, your pictures need to back up this claim and, of course, you do as well in-person. And it goes without saying that it doesn’t matter if you look 20 years younger than your age if you act 20 years older. Again, age is a state of mind.

Send me your profile so I can review it for an Extreme Profile Makeover and help you on your way to finding a great companion!

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