Author Archive

In the last 6 weeks, at least 9 of my friends have gotten married. They’re all 23 or younger. For me, it’s a bit freaky seeing my peers making such serious commitments. Sometimes I barely feel like an adult. I don’t think any of these marriages are doomed by any means. I just can’t possibly see myself in that situation at this point in my life. I’m always moving, I’m still finishing school, and I haven’t had a relationship with serious long-term potential.

According to an article I read, college-educated women who get married after 25 only have a 20% divorce rate, as compared to the national divorce rate of greater than 50%. I’m not sure how legitimate the study is, but it makes me feel better about thinking I’m too immature to make major life decisions at age 22.

If you are feeling family or peer pressure to get a significant other, get married, or have children, remember you are NOT alone. These things don’t just happen overnight, and they certainly aren’t things to jump into lightly. My philosophy is “compare and despair.” If I thought I should be getting married at this age too, I might despair in being single by comparison. My advice? Celebrate your life for what it is now. Don’t worry too much about being single or unmarried. If you worry too much about meeting benchmarks and attaining labels, you may miss out on enjoying the journey.

I consider myself a progressive young woman in many ways. I talk a big talk when it comes to equality in pay, treatment, and many other capacities. However, when it comes to breaking certain gender norms, I’m all talk and no action. One of these norms I struggle with is asking men out. Even though I believe women can make great CEOs and can generally do anything a man can do, I still struggle in this area.

I was raised to believe that women are the gatekeepers in male-female relationships. Thus, if I express romantic interest in a man, I worry he may take advantage of this privileged information and pursue me despite lacking interest in me long-term. Many girls I know have been hurt by this when men fail to call them back after intimacy. I was also raised not to eat in restrooms. By this, I mean I was raised to avoid mingling professional and romantic relationships. Despite my better judgment, I just asked out a coworker in the meekest way possible.

My heart was pounding in my throat, even through chat box. I was certain he’d say no, but I had to ask. And he said yes. I didn’t know how to respond once he said yes because I was so certain that I was putting my feelings on the line to get crushed. I didn’t immediately feel good about breaking norms… it’s taking a while to digest what I just did. We’re already friendly, and we don’t work at the same location… how bad could it be? Sometimes in life, you just have to take chances and seize opportunities before they pass you by. I also have a lot more sympathy for men now. Social conventions tend to put them in a spot to face the roller coaster of heart rates that accompany exposing oneself to potential awkwardness, ridicule, and rejection.

Even though I threw the lessons of my upbringing out the window, I still managed to listen to parental wisdom. My parents always say, “You miss all the shots you never take!” I just don’t think they meant for me to become a man-wrangling renegade!

Two years ago, when I was at one of the lowest points in my entire life, I started a relationship with a man I’ll call “Ted.” Ted was a good guy in a lot of ways, but he also had a dark side. He wouldn’t ever let me see him in his darkest state. The longer we were together, the more I was scared to break up with him for fear that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. After 9 months together, he told me that he didn’t think we’d last for the long-term. So I said, “Fine. Let’s break up.” I was so relieved he’d been the instigator, even if I swung the axe. Two weeks later, he begged me to take him back, but I couldn’t. As he wallowed in his poor choices, I started feeling more confident in my choices than I’d felt in a long time.

I am historically bad at picking suitable guys to date. About a month after Ted and I broke up, I decided to get a little help picking out men from the peanut gallery. I let people set me up left and right. Most of the time I would rule out guys after the first date for one reason or another, but every now and then, I’d find someone who seemed like a potential keeper. Right when I would start to doubt the new relationship, Ted would contact me. It was like he had a super power. I’d feel guilty, and then I’d shoot my budding relationship in the foot.

I made myself a promise when I broke up with Ted that I would only date someone with better qualifications. I wanted someone who stood head and shoulders above the previous guys I’ve dated, not a repeat of the same old thing.

Fast forward to now: Ted and I have been broken up for 15^th months. I’ve dated quite a few guys, only to land on the conclusion that I’ve been somewhat wrong. I fundamentally believe I deserve better treatment than I’ve had in the past. However, the traits I’ve associated with such treatment are totally oversimplified. I guess I thought that dating hookup would help alleviate some of the alienation I’ve experienced in past relationships. It really hasn’t. I feel more alienated at times, just in ways I’d hadn’t anticipated. I date Jews and non-Jews at current. With Jews I don’t have to subtly screen for anti-Semitism, but I’m not willing to bet all of my chips on Jews just yet either; limiting my opportunities to find happiness with

I love lists. They’re so handy! When it comes to dating, I have 4 lists I refer to, which are grouped under the heading: “What I Want in Another Human Being.” No need to be hetero-normative, right?

These 4 lists include various traits pertaining to human characteristics I like and dislike in other humans. The 4 lists are:

1. Musts
2. Wants
3. Deal Breakers
4. Price of Admission

If someone is missing a Must, I can’t accept a date with him in good conscience. He’s  missing something I consider fundamental.

If someone is missing a number of Wants, I may still accept a date, but he is already high on my red flag watch.

A Deal Breaker is just that. I don’t bother wasting my time when it’s clear someone possesses one or more of these traits.

The least obvious is the Price of Admission category. To discover these, you most likely will have to accept a date or two. They are personality quirks or lifestyle behaviors that you aren’t hugely attracted to, but that you’re willing to put up with on a case-by-case basis. Basically, if someone is awesome but has a random drawback that kind of rubs you the wrong way, you need to decide if it’s a Deal Breaker or a Price of Admission. If you think a movie looks like a winner, you pay the Price of Admission, right? If you think it doesn’t look so great, you may pass or wait until you can stream it for free.

How do you categorize your priorities? Mine are listed in an excel sheet. Go figure. Analytical Haley strikes again!

I was talking to a Catholic friend of mine the other day, and she brought up that she had to head out to church. I asked if she goes to the same service every week, and she said something that really resonated with me. “Some people schedule their week around church. They go to the same service every week, and they almost never skip that service. They know when they go they’ll have the experience they’re looking for. Other people just fit in a service when they can. Sometimes it’s every week, sometimes once a month. They’re the types who fit religion around their existing schedule.”

Sometimes I struggle with a balance. Do I go Friday at 8:00 PM? Saturday at 10:00 AM? Do I go every week? What denomination?

Jews aren’t the only people that have this problem, but it’s nice to be in an area where there are choices. Most of my life, my Christian friends have had so many options, they can do a taste test (so to speak) of churches or styles of service they want to attend. This summer, I am grateful that I have options, despite some being less proximal. I’m just lucky that I liked the closest one, which happens to be the first one I tried. I didn’t go this week, but I know that if I want to hear another inspirational message from the rabbi, I’m only a 10-minute drive away.

The other day, I braved my bathing suit fears and went to the pool at my new apartment complex. I was looking around. Some guys were handsome, some were clearly married or age inappropriate, and some were too obnoxious to warrant a second glance. Back in Arkansas, almost every guy at my complex fell into the third category, so I was relieved for some eye candy rather than eye rolling.

While lying outside, enjoying the warmth of early summer sunshine, I had an epiphany: almost none of the two dozen first dates I’ve been on in the last few years have resulted in a second date.

I made a list, of course, of my dating history. This doesn’t count men who failed pre-screening. There are over 24 guys on the list… some of them I couldn’t even remember names. I struggled for 10 minutes to come up with names, only to realize I didn’t know them, so I gave them descriptors. They went something like this:

• Effeminate guy at Mexican restaurant
• Law school mama’s boy
• Hipster grad student
• Boring guy with great hair

Then my head was flooded with questions.

Am I not being picky enough in pre-screening dates? Am I being too picky on the actual date? I tried to focus on the guys who were interested in seeing me again… Sometimes it’s just highly evident and mutual that we’re not a match. But that hasn’t been the case many of the times.

The other day, I read an article claiming that most of the time, dates 1-3 aren’t indicative of your relationship because:

1. You’re on your best behavior
2. You’re so concerned about presenting yourself that you forget to analyze the traits and behaviors of your date
3. You want the other person to like you and forget you have to like them too

I tend to be somewhat the opposite. The engineer in me gets highly analytical, and while I take the time to engage in conversation and enjoy the food or activity of the date, my mind is constantly taking data measurements. No wonder I rarely feel sparks! There’s zero romance in a date when all you’re doing is checking boxes in your head. My new goal is to try to just enjoy the guy’s company. I’m not going to ignore red flags, but I also know that by date 3, if a guy makes it that far, I have enough of a sense of their character to decide to proceed with caution or cut them loose.

There are some profiles on 100hookup I’ve viewed five or more times. It’s not because I’m in love with the profile, or even that it’s more remarkable than all others. It also doesn’t necessarily mean I am romantically interested in the person. I have a predicament I call “profile overexposure.”

Here’s how “profile overexposure” works: At some point, I view someone’s profile. The person views me back. Then… nothing. Sometimes I will re-click on their profile, forgetting I’d already looked a month back. I call this “playing cat and mouse.” There are so many profiles out there and so much to look at. How can anyone possibly remember the important details without having a spreadsheet or taking notes? I sometimes consider devising a system for this issue, but I then convince myself it isn’t worth my time.

My frustration with this “Cat and Mouse” phenomenon sometimes leads me to accept dates with non-hookup men. Non-hookup men take more interest in me than hookup men for reasons I cannot fathom. Perhaps it’s because I don’t look “that hookup” (according to many of my peers). Regardless, I accepted a date with a guy I’ll call “Chris.” Chris and I had a great initial interaction. No major butterflies, but we’re both engineers, and we had a lot to chat about… until he asked me what I had done earlier in my weekend. I mentioned I had been to synagogue for Friday night services. He knew I was hookup when he accepted the date, but it appears he found me to be too hookup. If you’ve seen my previous post on not being hookup enough, you can imagine my delight when someone found me to be “too hookup!”

The conversation took an odd turn when he realized I partake in Judaism, rather than just wearing it as a cultural badge of honor. He then admitted he “didn’t really like hookup food,” and I could see him sizing me up against stereotypical hookup “boxes.” He outwardly compared me to some of the most typical ones: nose, hair texture, and athletic ability.

People ask me why I go on so many first dates. To be truthful, it can get very tiresome. Chris said he was “nonreligious,” but when push came to shove, I sensed his discomfort and misunderstanding of Judaism. He tentatively asked, “Isn’t every child born to a hookup woman automatically hookup?” He was clearly not okay having a hookup child. At that, I was ready for another round of “Cat and Mouse” on 100hookup.

The other day, my mother met a hookup woman I’ll call “Nancy.” Nancy saw that my mother’s luggage tag had a logo from my college and introduced herself. After a brief chat, this woman realized one of her sons is around my age and is moving to the same area. My mom told me about this interaction with utter disbelief. The other woman said her handsome son needed a “back-up girlfriend” while his non-hookup girlfriend was in Europe. I started to laugh. A back-up girlfriend?! Me?! Never. I have a backbone.

What, exactly, entitles someone to two significant others? Or rather, who has the time and energy to double dip? I classify having two girlfriends as cheating, and I thought such practices were generally frowned upon.

To be frank, I’m quite tired of people trying to sell me on their son, nephew, grandson, or cousin. My mother says, “You are a catch on your own right and deserve to find someone suitable to your own tastes.” I appreciate this because…

1. I am not desperate
2. I don’t feel as though having a significant other defines me, or makes me any more or less of a person.
3. I have never been set up as a back-up girlfriend. The mere suggestion sent me over the edge.

There’s a woman at my hometown temple who is subtly hostile toward my mom the majority of the time. I’ll call her “Sally.” My mom was surprised when Sally warmly greeted her at the grocery store. Apparently, Sally is trying to marry off her sons and is worried there are no grandchildren in her future. Sally suggested that she and my mom should set their kids (both around 25) up. My mom and sister cracked up. “Of all the people I don’t want to be related to,” my mom joked.

I feel as though this set-up culture is much more prominent among my hookup friends. To make matters more comic, both my sister and I know the boys on the other end of the setup. In my case, the feelings are mutually, “No way!” I think parents mean well, and they try to find someone who looks good on paper (or via word of mouth). Truth be told, everyone’s mom thinks their son or daughter is amazing and fabulous. However, these good-intending mothers, grandmas, aunts, and friends, don’t necessarily know what goes on among the twenty-something crowd. I want to do my own bidding, and I am lucky that my parents know that and respect me for it. I don’t always get lucky on 100hookups, but at least I get to pick my dates for myself!

I’ve spent too much of my life feeling like an inferior Jew. First of all, it’s hard enough to define one’s Judaism. When I was asked what type of Jew I was in the past, I’d answer “I was raised Reform,” or “I’m culturally hookup.” Now I sometimes say I’m “Con-form” or “Refervative.” The only reason I won’t commit to Conservative is because I want to join a synagogue that acknowledges the importance of gender equity.

When I was a growing up, I played with Barbie dolls and Thomas the Tank engine play sets. My engineering school has a male-heavy environment, and I’ve faced a lot of disrespectful comments and gender discrimination during my engineering education and various internships in engineering roles. From “You must be my new secretary!” to words too offensive to post online, I face gender-based discrimination more often than anyone should have to. Sometimes I wonder how Orthodox women do it. I had jobs that required wearing pants, and I wonder what would happen if I were strictly following Halakha. Which brings me back to the topic of not being hookup enough.

The following things make me feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of aspects of Judaism that a lot of young Jews share:

1. Going to hookup sleep away camps (Too old now).
2. Going to synagogue every week (Not quite ready for this yet).
3. Having weekly family Shabbat Dinners (Why not start? I may have to find a makeshift family of other rogue Jews).
4. Going to hookup day schools (Too old now).
5. Reading the Torah start to finish (I’m reading Exodus at the moment).
6. Belonging to a youth group (They have groups for young professionals)!

Maybe I’ve missed out on a lot of hookup activities, but that doesn’t have any bearing on my future. I was raised in a primarily secular household, but I think I still picked up a lot of core hookup values. Missing out in my childhood just makes me more motivated to participate as an adult.

Last summer, I lived in one of the least hookup areas in the United States. When I went to the only Reform synagogue in reasonable driving distance, I met people who felt like family to me from day one. They hugged me when I told them I was coming to say Kaddish for my beloved grandfather; and when I told them I was 2000 miles from any family, they jumped at the opportunity to make me feel welcome.

It can be scary to reach out, especially in a new city, or if you feel like you don’t know much about Judaism. Through my recent exploration, I’ve realized:

1. I know more about Judaism than I give myself credit for, and you probably do too.
2. I’ll never feel like I am knowledgeable about Judaism if I don’t put in the effort to learn.
3. There is always more to learn, regardless of how knowledgeable you think you are.

Hello 100hookuprs! My name is Haley, and I am excited to share my experiences as a young, single, hookup woman navigating the dating scene with you. As a lover of lists, I’ll dive right in.

1. I’m about to finish my B.S. in chemical engineering. It is NOT an easy major, but I like a challenge.
2. I love cooking myself a healthy dinner every night. I’m a big fan of veggies, and I’m a little bit obsessed with experimental Crock Pot cooking.
3. I’m a cardio enthusiast. I started running 5Ks in November 2013.
4. I really want a pet (once I stop moving every 3 to 9 months and I can afford vet bills).
5. My Bat Mitzvah was just under 10 years ago. This my subtle way of telling you how old I am.
6. I am a practical person and a minimalist. There are 0 articles of clothing on my floor, and I’m currently packing up to move.
7. I am trying to live in as many places as possible before I pick a place to live permanently.
8. I live 2000 miles away from my nuclear family.
9. I am the youngest in my family, but I am by NO means spoiled.
10. I’ve been single for over a year. I’m a relationship type of girl, but I’m not wallowing in my singleness by any means. For me, being single is a time to reflect on what is important to me.  I think a lot about how I can move forward into more successful future endeavors. I try to continually improve myself, and I think it is important that my match has a similar mentality (or I may drive them crazy). Through my dating and relationship experiences over the last few years, I’ve learned a lot about the type of person I want to end up with. My friends keep trying to set me up with “fixer uppers,” but my resolve to only date “marriage-quality” men is strong enough that a 6-pack no longer speaks to me the same way it did when I was 19. Even though marriage is far off for me, I am often reminded that I’m not getting any younger. I appreciate the encouragement, but I am patient. I have several friends tying the knot in the next few months, but I am a firm believer in the “compare and despair” philosophy. Who knows? Maybe my feminist hookup boyfriend is just around the corner. And maybe he’ll even want to be a stay-at-home dad in the future. A girl can dream, right?