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Dating can be pretty emotionally draining. Let’s face it – regardless of your age or gender – there’s a good chance you’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions, from the high of a hopeful new prospect to the low of rejection. Or the excitement of receiving a new message… then the disappointment of realizing the person looks nothing like their picture! With so much emotional whiplash, it’s tough to remain grounded, calm, and hopeful.

“I am grateful for the sun, my dog, and coffee…”

To help focus on the positive and prevent freak-outs, I offer one suggestion (that I, myself, could really take to heart!): Practice gratitude.  To me, gratitude is more than just feeling grateful, although this is a big part of it. But, it also evokes qualities of humility, kindness, and empathy, which are generally attractive to everyone.  And it combats entitlement and unhappiness, which are definite turn-offs! Several studies have shown that practicing gratitude can improve emotional health, your mood, AND your relationships. So it really can’t hurt to try, can it?

Here are 3 simple ways to show gratitude:

1. As Jews, prayer is a major way we can show appreciation. Speak to G-d in whatever language you prefer, from anywhere in the world.  Or go to a synagogue – I’m sure someone saying kaddish would love to have you help make a minyan.  It really doesn’t matter if you know how to daven or not – the point is to pause and appreciate the food on your plate, or the clothes on your back, or the fact that you woke up this morning!
2. Gain perspective. You might be going through a rough patch, but notice what happens if you start to see the glass as half empty, not half full. Are you feeling jealous or jaded?  Try focusing on really appreciating your friends.  Lacking good friends? Be grateful you have a job. Don’t have a job? Appreciate your good health. In poor health?  Be grateful for being alive! No matter what’s going on, things could be worse.
3. Appreciate others. Tell someone why you are grateful for his or her friendship. Give your date a specific compliment that’s not about her looks. Let your new boyfriend know specific reasons why you’re grateful for his company.  This might win you some new friends, but it will make you feel good about yourself, too.

If I were to read this post after just getting dumped, I’d probably roll my eyes and dump a bowl of ice cream on my head because it’s really hard to feel grateful when you’re in a bad mood.  But, that’s exactly the time when you need the benefits of gratitude the most.  If you practice gratitude all the time, it will become second nature and you’ll be able to more easily apply these strategies when you’re feeling down and out.  And no matter what you’re feeling, consistently expressing gratitude will help you to stay positive in the dating process, gain some perspective, and exude a positive, open vibe.

Let’s discuss something that’s been on my mind lately.  I don’t want to scare anyone away, but I’m talking about the M word… and it’s not marriage or money – it’s maturity! In the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Relationships” (which I just made up while writing this post), I’ve self-diagnosed several instances of what I’ll call Non-Syncing Maturity Levels (NSML).

More on NSML in a minute, but first, a few defining features of this unfortunate malady. When I say someone is mature, I mean he or she possesses a set of skills such as the ability to communicate effectively like an adult, to not be overly judgmental or heavily influenced by peer pressure, to use manners and common sense appropriately, and to see the world realistically and practically – basically, skills that teenagers tend to lack but are typically solidified in those with more experience.  In my opinion, maturity has very little to do with money, interests, looks, career, or personality – it’s more of a quality that you pick up on while getting to know someone.  A person can love comic books and laugh at the Three Stooges but be pretty mature (hey, Dad!).  Conversely, you can own a house, car, fancy clothes, nice job, have a great education, and still spend years texting girls “hey, wuts up” at 10pm.  Additionally, a person can be mature and also fun, spontaneous, and creative; similarly, one can be intelligent, reliable, and get drunk every night while refusing to learn how to pay bills.

Here’s my point:  I don’t care what level of maturity you have.  I’m not ascribing any qualitative judgment to any particular level on the maturity ladder. You could be in a committed, fulfilling relationship with someone who, by my definition, is pretty immature.  But, the problem of NSML occurs when you are on one rung of this metaphorical ladder and the person you are interested in, dating, or committed to is on another.

So, Caryn, you may ask, how can I avoid the frustration associated with NSML? Well, there are no guarantees, but it’s as simple as first figuring out where you are (or want to be) on the maturity ladder.  Then, seek out dating partners on the same or nearby rungs.  To identify your level, ask yourself questions like: “Do I frequently throw temper tantrums in public?” or “Am I capable of making everyday decisions without relying on the opinion of my Twitter followers?”  As far as I know, there is no current search function on 100hookup to narrow your matches by maturity; however, I think this is something that you can feel out in a few dates. So if you’re a 45-year old guy reliving his frat boy days, you may want to think twice about messaging the girl who loves Emily Post. However, if you find that girl who loves Tucker Max, well, I hope they serve beer at your wedding.

Because my first blog post was more of an introductory foray into JBlogging, I’ll use this one as my first “official” substantive post.  Enter: the obligatory New Year/new you/dating resolutions/fresh start motivational advice piece on how to snag a guy by simply being more positive, going to more events, and always looking your best.  If only it were that easy, right?  Instead, I offer to you a new mantra for the New Year: It only takes one. Dating is pretty much a numbers game, and I’ll talk about this more in a future post. But for now, I want to focus on the power of one.

According to my rigorous research (Google), online dating membership and activity peaks between January 1 and Valentine’s Day, and 100hookup is no exception.  This membership surge makes sense – people are resolving to look for love in the New Year, no one wants spend cold nights binge watching Netflix  alone, and maybe others were not-so-subtly gifted a 100hookup subscription from their mom for Hanukkah.  Whether you’re a long time online dater or new to the site, and whatever your reason for being here, take advantage of the post-holiday season because the numbers are currently in your favor!

So, how does this all tie together?  I’ll explain: With new members showing up in your search, it’s easy to scroll through new faces in pursuit of your perfect guy or girl. But this year, resolve to search for the person that is perfect for YOU, not perfect on paper, and not perfect for your friend.  Try something different this January – change one thing about your search criteria. It can be something as small as increasing your preferred age range by a couple years in either direction, or expanding your mileage, especially if you’re in a smaller city, or opening yourself up to a few more categories of religiosity.  I’m not asking you to buy a new wardrobe or dye your hair or even to revamp your profile for the New Year.  Just try out a more tailored, refined search in an effort to to increase the chances of finding your best match.

So what if expanding your age range or mileage gets you only one new match? Great! That’s another person in your personal numbers game, and who knows – he or she could be YOUR one. Remember, there might be hundreds of new people joining 100hookup, but for your purposes, it only takes one!

Greetings from the Midwest! I’m Caryn, and I’m here to show you that the good, the bad, and the strange of JDating occurs everywhere, including here in St. Louis, known to many of you as flyover country.  I’m absolutely delighted to be reporting to you live from behind my computer, and I look forward to sharing with you some insights, stories, observations, and advice that stems from my (uh… I mean my friend’s) experience with 100hookup.  While I’m not a professional dating coach, I’ve learned a thing or two about dating and relationships over the years, and my natural tendency to overanalyze, coupled with my love for writing, has translated into this awesome blogging gig.

Meet Caryn!

Because this is my first post, I thought I’d start with a brief introduction of who I am and my brand of writing.  Professionally, I work at a large private university (hint: it’s NOT in D.C.) coordinating research in the psychiatry department. People tend to think this means I wear a lab coat and perform lobotomies or something, but really, it’s a desk job where I can use my background in psychology and counseling. On the home front, I am a proud daughter and big sister, and I’m super close with my family. Judaism is also quite important to me, as is perpetuating future generations of Jews, which is one reason why I’m so excited to help people find success on 100hookup.

In terms of my preferred dating blog topics, I’d say anything goes. In my little corner of the Internet, you might find assorted observations, true stories, advice, lists and charts, and posed questions, likely with a psychological spin and served with a little satire. You hopefully won’t find clichés, misplaced modifiers, the real names of people involved in embarrassing stories, or signed confessions. This content is subject to change, though, as I’d like to see this blog become an interactive discussion with readers.

Brief disclaimer: I know not everyone in the audience is a single 31-year-old girl, so I’ll try my best to generalize my posts to fit a larger audience. However, because I don’t know what it’s like to date as a 56-year-old divorced man, or 44-year-old single mom, I welcome and value your input! Please add to the discussion by commenting below or sending me a direct message.

Finally, I can’t guarantee that everyone reading my blog will go on three 100hookups this month, will become exclusive with one of them in a couple months, and will be engaged within a year. But, it’s my hope that you might learn something new, consider something in a different way, or if nothing else, be mildly entertained.