Archive for June, 2014

It appears that some people — both men and women — have forgotten some of the signals of what someone who isn’t interested in you looks like. When he (or she) is just not that into you, he/she:

• doesn’t call you
• doesn’t ask you out on dates
• doesn’t kiss you
• doesn’t flatter you
• doesn’t remember you
• doesn’t think about you
• doesn’t text you
• doesn’t respond to your texts or add to any continuity of a conversation

If you find yourself making all the moves, trying to create opportunities for your crush to notice you, and continuosly reaching out to someone who doesn’t engage, then it’s time to recognize that he or she is just not that into you. You can’t take it personally. If you are practicing poly-dating, which I address in my book How to Woo a Jew: The Modern hookup Guide to Dating and Mating, then you should have other prospects in rotation and one so-called “rejection” shouldn’t make you skip a beat. Plenty of other people will be into you, don’t worry about the few who aren’t. You will never receive a satisfactory explanation as to their disinterest so don’t even bother asking.

In the last 6 weeks, at least 9 of my friends have gotten married. They’re all 23 or younger. For me, it’s a bit freaky seeing my peers making such serious commitments. Sometimes I barely feel like an adult. I don’t think any of these marriages are doomed by any means. I just can’t possibly see myself in that situation at this point in my life. I’m always moving, I’m still finishing school, and I haven’t had a relationship with serious long-term potential.

According to an article I read, college-educated women who get married after 25 only have a 20% divorce rate, as compared to the national divorce rate of greater than 50%. I’m not sure how legitimate the study is, but it makes me feel better about thinking I’m too immature to make major life decisions at age 22.

If you are feeling family or peer pressure to get a significant other, get married, or have children, remember you are NOT alone. These things don’t just happen overnight, and they certainly aren’t things to jump into lightly. My philosophy is “compare and despair.” If I thought I should be getting married at this age too, I might despair in being single by comparison. My advice? Celebrate your life for what it is now. Don’t worry too much about being single or unmarried. If you worry too much about meeting benchmarks and attaining labels, you may miss out on enjoying the journey.

What happens when you really like someone, but don’t necessarily feel comfortable being overtly affectionate quite yet? How do you force yourself to make sure you’re sending the right signals that you’re interested in the other person? Eye contact, placing a hand on a leg (or arm or small of the back), letting your foot or thighs or arms touch when you’re sitting near each other, giving authentic compliments, laughing at jokes, greeting each other with a hug, saying a long lingering goodbye. Little things go a long way.

Inversely, if you keep going out on dates with someone, but never make a move or flatter your date, then don’t be surprised when your date eventually rejects your next phone call.

I consider myself a progressive young woman in many ways. I talk a big talk when it comes to equality in pay, treatment, and many other capacities. However, when it comes to breaking certain gender norms, I’m all talk and no action. One of these norms I struggle with is asking men out. Even though I believe women can make great CEOs and can generally do anything a man can do, I still struggle in this area.

I was raised to believe that women are the gatekeepers in male-female relationships. Thus, if I express romantic interest in a man, I worry he may take advantage of this privileged information and pursue me despite lacking interest in me long-term. Many girls I know have been hurt by this when men fail to call them back after intimacy. I was also raised not to eat in restrooms. By this, I mean I was raised to avoid mingling professional and romantic relationships. Despite my better judgment, I just asked out a coworker in the meekest way possible.

My heart was pounding in my throat, even through chat box. I was certain he’d say no, but I had to ask. And he said yes. I didn’t know how to respond once he said yes because I was so certain that I was putting my feelings on the line to get crushed. I didn’t immediately feel good about breaking norms… it’s taking a while to digest what I just did. We’re already friendly, and we don’t work at the same location… how bad could it be? Sometimes in life, you just have to take chances and seize opportunities before they pass you by. I also have a lot more sympathy for men now. Social conventions tend to put them in a spot to face the roller coaster of heart rates that accompany exposing oneself to potential awkwardness, ridicule, and rejection.

Even though I threw the lessons of my upbringing out the window, I still managed to listen to parental wisdom. My parents always say, “You miss all the shots you never take!” I just don’t think they meant for me to become a man-wrangling renegade!

If everyone is on 100hookup then how come people complain to me “there’s no one on 100hookup!” Or, why do they lament about being unable to find anyone on 100hookup!? The people who make these statements and ask these questions run the gamut, from males to females, old and young, straight and gay, short and tall, and so on.

My answer is always simple: they’re out there, you’re just not looking hard enough. Typically people fall into two categories: they either tend to have their preferences set too narrowly and therefore don’t have a large pool of prospects to choose from and get frustrated by the lack of options — or they have their preferences set way too broadly and have far too many prospects to scroll through, and then get overwhelmed until everyone’s profiles begin to blend together.

In my book, “How to Woo a Jew: The Modern hookup Guide to Dating and Mating,” I recommend beginning with the former and setting your preferences to your absolute “perfect” idea of a match, and then broadening your options slowly from there. That will allow you time to see who’s out there and what one year of age, or one inch, or one level of education translates to in regards to the number of prospects you find. This will help you easily determine who is new to your search results in a slow and deliberate manner.

Here’s an example from one of my female clients, “Jamie,” age 34, of her ideal match:

• woman seeking a man
• age 34-39
• located within 25 miles of her city
• marital status: single
• religion: reform, traditional, culturally hookup, conservative
• ethnicity: any
• smoking: no
• drinking: socially, on occasion
• height: 6’0-6’6
• body style: athletic
• education: bachelor’s, master’s, JD/PhD
• kosher: not at all
• temple: on high holidays, sometimes
• has kids: no
• plans on having children: yes
• custody: any
• activity level: very active, active, selected activities
• languages: english
• willing to relocate: no

After I tweaked Jamie’s profile, we slowly adjusted one category at a time until she had a good number of options without compromising on her preferences too much. With age and height, we adjusted one year and one inch, respectively, at a time. This is how it looks now:

• woman seeking a man
• age 33-41
• located within 50 miles of her city
• marital status: single, divorced,
• religion: reform, traditional, culturally hookup, conservative
• ethnicity: any
• smoking: no
• drinking: socially, on occasion
• height: 5’10-6’9
• body style: athletic, lean, firm, muscular, average, proportional
• education: bachelor’s, master’s, JD/PhD
• kosher: not at all
• temple: on high holidays, sometimes
• has kids: no
• plans on having children: yes
• custody: any
• activity level: very active, active, selected activities
• languages: english
• willing to relocate: no

Jamie went from having about 60 prospects, many of which she knew already, to having more than 200 prospects, many of which she had never seen before. Put a little elbow grease into your profile and preferences, and your prospects will increase in quality and quantity!

As I attempted to come up with a topic this week, I was drawing blanks. I wanted to write about my trip to Europe, my life in New York so far, how my dating life is going, any number of things that have been on my mind. But every time I started writing something, it was worthless. I drew a blank.

When you’re not being asked to write a blog for an awesome organization every week, silence can actually be a great thing.  It’s not always that I can’t write about things, but sometimes I feel like I’m writing just to write.

Interestingly, in the last year, some of my best dating moments have involved silence. From long car rides to Memphis where I’m just taking in scenery to the beauty of Central Park, sometimes there’s more happening in life than just trying to get to know someone. Sharing an experience is such a beautiful thing, and I think sometimes we feel an overwhelming need to talk through things as we’re getting to know someone. But in my opinion, nothing compares to just sharing a moment in silence.

So that’s my very simple blog this week. I’ve been around the world in the last month, and I’ve seen some great sights. I know the best is only to come, but the finest moments since my last real writing time (early May) have been the moments of taking in life in silence with another person. Overlooking the beach in Barcelona, looking out over New York from the 102^nd floor of the Empire State Building, or even just listening to strangers talk about Grindr while I was sitting on a park bench while cuddling up with someone special. These have been the best moments of my last month, and they didn’t involve me feeling the need to say a single word.

“When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognizing the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to “own” it. You can love it with your eyes and body, but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, becoming irrelevant.”

-Bestselling author Lisa Unger

We’ve all heard the line “beauty is only skin deep,” but as author Lisa Unger so eloquently writes in the quote above, once we get to know someone beyond the surface, only then can we fall in love with them. Until then it is only lust. Dig a little deeper before you find yourself falling too hard, too fast. You may not like what you find underneath. Or you may discover what true love is once you get past appearances.

Two years ago, when I was at one of the lowest points in my entire life, I started a relationship with a man I’ll call “Ted.” Ted was a good guy in a lot of ways, but he also had a dark side. He wouldn’t ever let me see him in his darkest state. The longer we were together, the more I was scared to break up with him for fear that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. After 9 months together, he told me that he didn’t think we’d last for the long-term. So I said, “Fine. Let’s break up.” I was so relieved he’d been the instigator, even if I swung the axe. Two weeks later, he begged me to take him back, but I couldn’t. As he wallowed in his poor choices, I started feeling more confident in my choices than I’d felt in a long time.

I am historically bad at picking suitable guys to date. About a month after Ted and I broke up, I decided to get a little help picking out men from the peanut gallery. I let people set me up left and right. Most of the time I would rule out guys after the first date for one reason or another, but every now and then, I’d find someone who seemed like a potential keeper. Right when I would start to doubt the new relationship, Ted would contact me. It was like he had a super power. I’d feel guilty, and then I’d shoot my budding relationship in the foot.

I made myself a promise when I broke up with Ted that I would only date someone with better qualifications. I wanted someone who stood head and shoulders above the previous guys I’ve dated, not a repeat of the same old thing.

Fast forward to now: Ted and I have been broken up for 15^th months. I’ve dated quite a few guys, only to land on the conclusion that I’ve been somewhat wrong. I fundamentally believe I deserve better treatment than I’ve had in the past. However, the traits I’ve associated with such treatment are totally oversimplified. I guess I thought that dating hookup would help alleviate some of the alienation I’ve experienced in past relationships. It really hasn’t. I feel more alienated at times, just in ways I’d hadn’t anticipated. I date Jews and non-Jews at current. With Jews I don’t have to subtly screen for anti-Semitism, but I’m not willing to bet all of my chips on Jews just yet either; limiting my opportunities to find happiness with

According to Psychology Today:

“A man, looking at a woman for the first time (or a woman looking at a man) will respond to the way that person stands or sits, the way he or she smiles, or is quiet or animated, the way he/she responds to others, and to the way that person is groomed and dressed. That initial impression determines whether that person seems attractive or not. But the odd thing is that what strikes one person as attractive will seem unattractive to someone else. No one way of appearing will seem attractive to everyone. Not only that, what is attractive, or unattractive, to a particular person at a particular time may seem quite the opposite at another time and place. ”

What this means is that looks don’t matter. How pretty or handsome you are is not all that people take into consideration when they are deciding whether or not to approach you. And just because someone doesn’t approach you at any given time, it isn’t an insult to you. Basically, every instance is different. As long as you exude confidence and happiness, then you have done everything possible to put the odds in your favor of making every opportunity count.

I love lists. They’re so handy! When it comes to dating, I have 4 lists I refer to, which are grouped under the heading: “What I Want in Another Human Being.” No need to be hetero-normative, right?

These 4 lists include various traits pertaining to human characteristics I like and dislike in other humans. The 4 lists are:

1. Musts
2. Wants
3. Deal Breakers
4. Price of Admission

If someone is missing a Must, I can’t accept a date with him in good conscience. He’s  missing something I consider fundamental.

If someone is missing a number of Wants, I may still accept a date, but he is already high on my red flag watch.

A Deal Breaker is just that. I don’t bother wasting my time when it’s clear someone possesses one or more of these traits.

The least obvious is the Price of Admission category. To discover these, you most likely will have to accept a date or two. They are personality quirks or lifestyle behaviors that you aren’t hugely attracted to, but that you’re willing to put up with on a case-by-case basis. Basically, if someone is awesome but has a random drawback that kind of rubs you the wrong way, you need to decide if it’s a Deal Breaker or a Price of Admission. If you think a movie looks like a winner, you pay the Price of Admission, right? If you think it doesn’t look so great, you may pass or wait until you can stream it for free.

How do you categorize your priorities? Mine are listed in an excel sheet. Go figure. Analytical Haley strikes again!