Archive for May, 2014

Meeting someone whom you click with is the most thrilling and exciting feeling. Finally, right!?

Like many people, you have probably gone on so many dates, and have been disappointed so many times, that you are elated when the conversation, commonalities, and chemistry are all there! (The 3 Cs!) So elated, in fact, that you are in a daze. Dazed because information about your new match that you normally would see as a turn-off or a game-ender are things you may now be making excuses for… and may even be willing to accept. Confused because you know better, yet you can’t help yourself; you’re smitten.

Nothing anyone will say will make you see the situation differently. Everyone has this experience in the game of love. Don’t apologize for happily dating — just try not to be blinded by lust.

A great article in The Week titled “How to Live Happily Ever After, According to Science,” written by Eric Barker, the author of Barking Up the Wrong Tree, gave one amazing piece of advice all couples should remember — whether they are new couples or veteran couples: rather than trying to fix the bad, instead try to increase the good.

The point here is that couples can argue about the same topic for years and never come to an agreement because neither one thinks they are wrong. Neither of you is going to change. Instead, accept that you disagree, and then focus on finding things you agree upon and things you have fun doing together.

Barker also says you can increase the excitement in your relationship by pretending you’re on your first date. Why? Because we were still making an effort to try and impress each other on that first date. Try it!

I’ve spent too much of my life feeling like an inferior Jew. First of all, it’s hard enough to define one’s Judaism. When I was asked what type of Jew I was in the past, I’d answer “I was raised Reform,” or “I’m culturally hookup.” Now I sometimes say I’m “Con-form” or “Refervative.” The only reason I won’t commit to Conservative is because I want to join a synagogue that acknowledges the importance of gender equity.

When I was a growing up, I played with Barbie dolls and Thomas the Tank engine play sets. My engineering school has a male-heavy environment, and I’ve faced a lot of disrespectful comments and gender discrimination during my engineering education and various internships in engineering roles. From “You must be my new secretary!” to words too offensive to post online, I face gender-based discrimination more often than anyone should have to. Sometimes I wonder how Orthodox women do it. I had jobs that required wearing pants, and I wonder what would happen if I were strictly following Halakha. Which brings me back to the topic of not being hookup enough.

The following things make me feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of aspects of Judaism that a lot of young Jews share:

1. Going to hookup sleep away camps (Too old now).
2. Going to synagogue every week (Not quite ready for this yet).
3. Having weekly family Shabbat Dinners (Why not start? I may have to find a makeshift family of other rogue Jews).
4. Going to hookup day schools (Too old now).
5. Reading the Torah start to finish (I’m reading Exodus at the moment).
6. Belonging to a youth group (They have groups for young professionals)!

Maybe I’ve missed out on a lot of hookup activities, but that doesn’t have any bearing on my future. I was raised in a primarily secular household, but I think I still picked up a lot of core hookup values. Missing out in my childhood just makes me more motivated to participate as an adult.

Last summer, I lived in one of the least hookup areas in the United States. When I went to the only Reform synagogue in reasonable driving distance, I met people who felt like family to me from day one. They hugged me when I told them I was coming to say Kaddish for my beloved grandfather; and when I told them I was 2000 miles from any family, they jumped at the opportunity to make me feel welcome.

It can be scary to reach out, especially in a new city, or if you feel like you don’t know much about Judaism. Through my recent exploration, I’ve realized:

1. I know more about Judaism than I give myself credit for, and you probably do too.
2. I’ll never feel like I am knowledgeable about Judaism if I don’t put in the effort to learn.
3. There is always more to learn, regardless of how knowledgeable you think you are.

A friend of mine recently reached out to me because he was dating a guy who is really well known and, now that they’ve broken up, he is having a hard time dating because everyone knows him as this famous guy’s boyfriend.

Another friend of mine has garnered a reputation for herself by dating only very successful guys. Yes she wants a smart and established husband, but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t date a hard-working blue collar man.

Yet another friend has earned a rap for dating every single girl in town. He’s putting in the work and looking for the right girl, but all the single ladies are comparing notes and wondering why no one hits it off with him in the meantime.

What do all these singles have in common? They all need to take a step back, evaluate what and who they are looking for in a mate, and then reinsert themselves into the dating scene once they are refreshed. Have confidence while dating, but also have your priorities straight.

My gay friend wants kids so he needs to turn his J-dar on, as well as his gay-dar, and stop pursuing men who live a high profile life.

My girl friend needs to accept every first date she’s asked out on whether the man is accomplished or not. She may like the struggling entrepreneur after all!

And my other guy friend needs to spend a long time fine-tuning his List to help him figure out what he wants and why he hasn’t found it yet. Doing work on yourself is a win-win situation. Not dating until you truly understand what you want is healthy.

Listening to the radio this last week, I was surprised to hear a name being talked about that I hadn’t heard in a long time. That name, as the title spoils, was Monica Lewinsky. Without me even writing anything else about the story, I’m sure you already know what they talked about.

And that’s the big problem: poor Monica Lewinsky can’t escape her stupid scandal no matter how hard she tries. The story talked about how she can’t get jobs, she can’t date easily, and, in general, any mention of her name (as demonstrated above) draws an instant connotation. In short, Monica Lewinsky, now age 40, seems doomed as long as she carries her name.

The easy answer, I suppose, is to change her name. It’s not like people would recognize her on the regular all these years later. Although she may illicit a familiar vibe just by seeing her. She could just become that woman who reminds people of… Monica Lewinsky.

You’re probably thinking, “this is the weirdest dating-related blog ever — who cares about Monica Lewinsky?” Well, for one, I feel bad for the poor lady. Heck, she may even be on 100hookup with us! But more than that, I feel like her story is a great hyperbole for how stuck we are in ourselves, and an awesome inspiration for how we can endure our reputations.

Reinvention is something a good number of us aim for regularly, especially those of us in our twenties and thirties. Reinvention is easier said than done, however. “A tiger doesn’t change it’s stripes!” people will tell you, and then we settle into our old ways. We can change our habits one by one and slowly change, but more than that, we can choose to change.

While eating hamburgers together, one of my rabbis and I talked about changing when we moved. I was expressing excitement at who I would begin life in New York as, he talked about when he first moved to Israel. What I really enjoyed about his story was his take on the month of Adar. He said before he went to Israel, he thought dancing around and being joyous during services for a month was bogus, and it drove him crazy he couldn’t get into it. When he got to Israel, he realized no one knew him as the guy who hated Adar, and he suddenly became very excited to celebrate the entire month. He set himself to be the guy who loves Adar, and it happened.

You don’t have to move to change, however. Sure, it’s definitely easier, but sometimes it can be as simple as just choosing internally to do something. My rabbi could just as easily have decided to be happy at home during Adar, and maybe people would have been surprised, but it would have quickly become normal.

So why Monica Lewinsky? More than anything, I wanted to make a point, and the rabbi story solidifies it. We get so wrapped up in who everyone thinks we are. We think everyone associates us with a certain story, a certain trait, a certain something we don’t control. Maybe Monica Lewinsky has a lot of publicity to deal with, but chances are your reputation is much less widespread than that. You can be anyone you want; all you have to do is choose that it’s what you want. Maybe it’s being the happy guy, or just the girl in the blue dress, but either way, only you get to choose.

When you’re poly-dating (dating multiple people at once in order to stay in a healthy mental state of dating by not getting too serious about any one person too quickly), you may come across someone who is seriously dating someone else. This person would be off-limits. Respect yourself by respecting other people’s commitments. Except when that person tells you that they have been wanting to break off said relationship and you are the catalyst for them finally pulling the plug. This may sound sweet: “he’s breaking up with her to be with me!” but you really should make sure the break-up has absolutely nothing to do with you. Allow a break up to occur, allow the recovery to occur, and then, if you’re still available and still want to date, then do so.

In the same theme, you shouldn’t jump from relationship to relationship either. It’s imperative to learn from a relationship — why it worked and why it didn’t — before moving on to the next one. Again, this is where poly-dating comes in. Enjoy being pursued and falling in “like” until someone really takes the lead in the rat race that is dating.

After a few dates where you and your match have several great conversations, and discover tons of commonalities, you may get to a point where you don’t know if the person sitting across from you is just a super-cool person you happen to jive with, or someone who could become your next great love. As much as you may want to jump to an answer, there’s really only one way to find out!

The only way for you to know if you could have a future with this amazing person is to continue dating them. It’s through dating that you create momentum and take the time to explore your chemistry. You can’t expect the three C’s (conversation, commonality & chemistry) to be instantaneous and simultaneous; it takes work to get all three in sync! If two of the three C’s are already there, then keep up the momentum by planning dates closer together so that you can see if the third C develops.

Only then will you know what becomes of this new relationship; and whether you just become good friends, or you find your perfect match, you’ll probably have a lot of fun along the way.

Hello 100hookuprs! My name is Haley, and I am excited to share my experiences as a young, single, hookup woman navigating the dating scene with you. As a lover of lists, I’ll dive right in.

1. I’m about to finish my B.S. in chemical engineering. It is NOT an easy major, but I like a challenge.
2. I love cooking myself a healthy dinner every night. I’m a big fan of veggies, and I’m a little bit obsessed with experimental Crock Pot cooking.
3. I’m a cardio enthusiast. I started running 5Ks in November 2013.
4. I really want a pet (once I stop moving every 3 to 9 months and I can afford vet bills).
5. My Bat Mitzvah was just under 10 years ago. This my subtle way of telling you how old I am.
6. I am a practical person and a minimalist. There are 0 articles of clothing on my floor, and I’m currently packing up to move.
7. I am trying to live in as many places as possible before I pick a place to live permanently.
8. I live 2000 miles away from my nuclear family.
9. I am the youngest in my family, but I am by NO means spoiled.
10. I’ve been single for over a year. I’m a relationship type of girl, but I’m not wallowing in my singleness by any means. For me, being single is a time to reflect on what is important to me.  I think a lot about how I can move forward into more successful future endeavors. I try to continually improve myself, and I think it is important that my match has a similar mentality (or I may drive them crazy). Through my dating and relationship experiences over the last few years, I’ve learned a lot about the type of person I want to end up with. My friends keep trying to set me up with “fixer uppers,” but my resolve to only date “marriage-quality” men is strong enough that a 6-pack no longer speaks to me the same way it did when I was 19. Even though marriage is far off for me, I am often reminded that I’m not getting any younger. I appreciate the encouragement, but I am patient. I have several friends tying the knot in the next few months, but I am a firm believer in the “compare and despair” philosophy. Who knows? Maybe my feminist hookup boyfriend is just around the corner. And maybe he’ll even want to be a stay-at-home dad in the future. A girl can dream, right?

I’ve talked about canceling at the last minute before, but how do you tell the difference between a legitimate excuse and a bogus one?

A legitimate excuse arrives by phone call – although text is acceptable – at least six hours before the time of the date, and the person gives you an explanation. Additionally, the call should include the intent to get together again by asking for your availability.

You can say or send an “easy-breezy” reply, something like: “No worries, I hope everything is okay.” If the person canceling the date is legit, they will likely respond right away and make new plans.

A bogus cancellation (a blow-off) usually occurs by text less than four hours before the date, offers no explanation except the need to cancel, and does not allude to making it up to you.

You can reply with the same as above, but don’t expect a response. Or, you can call this person’s bluff by not responding at all. If they are truly interested then they will try again, but don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from them in the following days.

As I get ready to move, one thing really scares me: the idea of not having a built-in group of friends around me. Luckily, I have some family and friends in NYC; it’s just not quite the network I have in Dallas where I’m a regular at a few shuls, and have made a great circle of friends and acquaintances.

What comforts me, however, is knowing that I have the skill-set to manage. When I got to Dallas after college, I felt like a stranger in a familiar land. I was from Dallas, but not a part of the community I was trying to break into. I grew up conservative, regularly going to USY events, but the people I largely grew to know were not those same people from my youth.

The big challenge I found in my first year in Dallas was finding people to date. I wanted to date someone younger, but being 21 in a community of young adults (who were largely much older than me) made that difficult. I did make friends, however, and found the second year to be a much easier experience. Friends would set me up with newly graduated girls they knew, and I found it easy to find dates when I was a regular at events and had people to introduce me.

If there’s one thing I’ve found since entering the real world, it’s the strength of a network. Whether it’s for getting a job (I had a friend send a recommendation for me to a recruiter hew knew and often found ways to make new friends through LinkedIn by having local friends introduce me to New York contacts), or just getting a date, a strong network can change everything.

So when I think about New York, I still worry a bit. I’m worried largely about that first Saturday night, about the first time I walk into a shul I don’t know for a class, and about where I’ll be spending Shavuot. And then I think of the people I already know, and the people I met as I networked my way to New York. I think of the first time I walked into an event in the Dallas young adult community, and I remember the first time I finally just learned to sit in a circle and listen to a rabbi’s class, letting my worries take a back seat for just a minute and then managing to make friends.

And that’s how I know it will all be fine — life is scary, but the more you put yourself out there, the more you’re bound to inherently build a network and move forward. Chances are your Besheret is not going to be sitting at the next hookup or secular event you go to. Looking for that would be silly. Instead, consider that his/her best friend may be checking out a class that night, or their boss, or their cousin’s dogsitter. The world is a wide place, but if you just focus on the people around you, and constantly add new people into your life, life has a great way of surprising you by eventually adding the right people in.