Archive for January, 2014

A common joke when it’s freezing outside is that there’s going to be a baby boom nine months later. But the other boom that occurs in frigid temperatures is with online dating — both with an increase of members logging on and new members creating accounts.

Think about it, the boom in online dating makes sense: If you can’t leave the house and are relegated to socialize with the people within your home (if any), you will soon start socializing via your phone, and then eventually via the computer. Sooner or later, you will happen upon online dating.

Preexisting members will find themselves playing around with their search preferences, expanding and narrowing different categories, and getting excited to see new faces pop up. Newbies will sign up and spend time crafting their profile and being astounded at the prospects at their fingertips, and then kicking themselves for waiting so long to sign up. So why wait for the next wicked weather event?

A part of dating that many people underestimate takes place off the dating websites, and is not only limited to your engagements with the opposite sex: it’s the attitude you carry with you all the time. You can’t change that, and a lot of different parts of your life impact that attitude. With that in mind, one of my friends did something amazing a few weeks ago: they stopped me from gossiping about someone.

In the age of the paparazzi, gossip (or Lashon Hara as it is called in Hebrew, meaning literally “evil language”) about anyone and everyone is a common thing. Sometimes it can even be helpful, as the Torah tells us (and science reaffirms, through helping our mental health according to some studies) that talking ill of someone to help avoid an unfair situation, such as Bernie Madoff’s scheme, is okay. What is not okay is talking about others in lights that we shouldn’t be.

Dallas has this problem, and I’m sure many more of the young adult communities have the same problems around the world, hookup or otherwise. But it’s become a real problem in Dallas, with a lot of people hurt over people being involved in their lives that shouldn’t be. So my friends and I have gotten in the habit of watching out for each other and reminding each other not to gossip about others and rather to avoid names (which is also not okay if it makes it obvious as to who is being spoken of still), or even better, just saying nice things about others.

You’re probably wondering what this has to do with dating or your life. It’s simple: people may not be able to read your mind, but your attitude will come across in everything that you do, and gossiping about others on a regular basis is only likely to bring you down. I consider myself pretty happy, but even I do it sometimes, and I know that’s not right. I feel worse when I talk about others, even if that slight second as it’s happening feels so juicy.

So start looking for the positivity more in others and raising people’s spirits when possible. Everyone loves the person who makes others feel great, and believe me — you’ll start to love that person, too.  And really, that’s the first step of this whole thing.

When you’re on a date, watch your language. Don’t use cuss words as it makes you look classless and tacky.

In general, the F word (as well as “c… u… next… Tuesday” and other crass words) should rarely be uttered on a date. However, when one of those words is needed for effect during storytelling, just make sure you excuse yourself afterwards. People who pepper their vocabulary with the more acceptable, like “d*mn” or “s***,” should also try to temper their language as it only reflects poorly on themselves.

Don’t pretend to be someone else; simply be your best self by not cursing constantly.

What do you do when you’ve been on a great date and all your friends are hating? Look for an underlying reason:

• Is your friend single, and could your friend perhaps be jealous?
• Maybe your friend went out with the same date once and it didn’t go well?
• Perhaps your friend is just trying to look out for you?

Recently my friend went on a first date with a bachelor who is, shall we say, popular on the dating scene. She was warned by no less than three people that he was a player. Aware of her date’s history, I went about doling out advice in a different way. I do know the guy, but I would have given her this same advice regardless of whether I knew him: every one is a player until they meet “The One.” Therefore she should be cautious, but not judge him just because he’s dated around.

You need to make the call for yourself after getting to know your date. Don’t allow others to factor into your opinion, but do make sure to keep the information tucked away so that you can’t say you weren’t warned. And if you’re on the other side of the equation, as the friend, then give your words of caution, but don’t hate. It will only make you look bad, regardless of the outcome.

2014 has side-stepped into your life and pressed the reset button. Everyone always says, “New year, new you.” The same should absolutely apply to your dating profile. I made my first-ever 100hookup profile last January and haven’t updated it since. While most of the information still remains true (my love for pizza and paperbacks), it’s time that I give writing my ‘about me’ another try and posting more updated photos.

• Do: Change at least three things on your profile. The easiest and more beneficial things to change are your photos, your bio, and maybe one or two things you’re looking for in a match. Every year brings new experiences. Draw from some you had last year to help you articulate what you’re looking for this year.

• Don’t: Delete the whole thing. There’s no need to! Plus, if you do that, you may be a bit overwhelmed. Use it as an outline or a skeleton and work on improving it from there.

Read more Jen Glantz: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com

Writing a 100hookup profile dictates that you need to self-promote, whether you are humble or cocky. You need to find your ego and exploit it for the sake of describing who you are to potential suitors. Too short of an “About Me” paragraph and 100hookuprs may think you aren’t really into the process. Too long of an answer and potentials can get overwhelmed. There’s a happy medium of describing who you are with the right words and in the best way possible without being long-winded.

Wallflowers will have a difficult time with writing about themselves as shyness doesn’t translate well on paper. Being humble is a great trait, but why would I contact you if you’re too reserved to tell me about yourself? Don’t be embarrassed to say what achievements you’ve had in life thus far, or what your dreams are, or why someone should contact you. But if you’ve got a laundry list of reasons about why you’re the best thing since sliced bread… then you may need someone to edit on your behalf.

Sunday nights have never been easy for me. An ex once told me I might have a light case of Sunday night depression, which is apparently common among people as Sunday is a daunting day (especially when your last two Sundays have been right before holidays from work). Last Sunday was especially rough on my psyche, as I finished watching an episode of Star Trek and felt the nothingness sink in. No more NFL games for the day, no more LinkedIn promoting of myself to get a job up north, and nothing to advance my day any further (it felt like).

What caused this feeling? I think it’s actually pretty easy to pinpoint. First of all, I spent the entire day doing nothing really. I did get some job leads, watched a movie, and went to dinner with family and friends, but for some reason I just felt empty. And of course there was the main thing I did — leave my browser open on dating websites.

In the coming weeks I plan on starting my own business for online dating coaching, and have thus immersed myself this week in as many online dating websites as possible. Unfortunately, doing so has made it feel like I’m getting nowhere with women (which really isn’t true, I’m doing just fine, but so many options with less than stellar response rates can feel that way sometimes). Especially sitting with 100hookup open today, sending messages every few hours and not getting as many responses as I’d like.

This isn’t to say if you go on 100hookup, you’re going to feel disappointment. Quite the opposite. Some of the greatest women I’ve dated have been from 100hookup or are frequent users. One of my favorite things to do is log in and hear the chat buzz from an old flame as we catch up in the most unorthodox of ways, while waiting for others to view us and we give each other feedback on messages and our profiles.

But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. The best thing to do is not to wait for the chats and messages to come in, but instead to start making your own actions the focus of your own happiness. I’ve been reading a great book called The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, and one of the main points it makes is not to let others determine your opinion of yourself and instead make yourself satisfied by doing the things you think are important.

So as time for sleep approached this Sunday, I suddenly got the urge to do some things. I write a journal every day, and after examining my entirely selfish day, decided to write some thank you notes to friends for birthday gifts and work on some projects for my nearly-completed winter internship. The fact of the matter comes down to this: you can wait for someone else to show up to make you happy and get dragged down in the process, or you can be pro-active in the areas of your life you can control, and the happiness will follow. What will you choose?

Dear Tamar,

Dating the old-fashioned way is the way to date these days.

Chivalry is being resurrected. What does that mean? It means that men (or the more aggressive half of a same-sex relationship) are preferring to make the phone calls, plan the dates, pick the woman up at her home, pull out her chair, order on her behalf, pay the bill, and take the initiative for another date before leaning in for the first kiss. It’s not that they prefer women who don’t do these things, but most of the single men I’ve spoken with just want to be “The Man,” regardless of who they are dating.

The great thing about “dating the old-fashioned way” is that women can allow men to take these leads without giving up a sense of their independence. A woman can allow a man to “take care of her” simply because it feels good… not because she needs it. These are not gender stereotypes to be looked down upon negatively; each person will have ample opportunity to play whichever role in the relationship they feel natural settling into when that time comes, but until then, if a man wants to wine you and dine you — as many men seem to want to step into the role of doing — then let him.

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Just because alcohol is flowing freely at a singles event doesn’t mean you should drink it. There were many events over the holidays between Hanukkah and New Year’s Eve, which meant there was ample opportunity to drink too much and either make a fool of yourself or lower your inhibitions… or both.

If you fell prey to the bottle in the past, then it would be smart to have a friend with you who is on the same page at social events moving forward — both you and the friend should discuss how you will keep the drinking to a minimum and be responsible for each other. The reason this is important (aside from the obvious drunken debauchery) is that once you have a drink or two, it gets easier and easier to accept the offer of another drink… and another… and another. And then, once again, you’ll find yourself on the wrong side of a hangover.

Instead, decide before going to the event if you will drink and how much, and then stick to it. I know these singles events are tough (I remember them vividly), and I know that having a drink or two to relax is helpful for some people, but you don’t want to go overboard. You are attending these events for a reason, and that reason is to meet someone. Save the liquor for another night.