Archive for December, 2013

Dear Tamar,

Is it okay to write “Only respond if you like kids” upfront in your profile? Many men say they are “anti-child support.” And I, like many women, am for child support reform.

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Dear Child Supporter,

I don’t think it’s necessary to be so blunt, but you can convey your desire in many other subtle, yet firm ways. Simply stating that you have kids will eliminate many prospects who don’t want to date a woman with children.

For the others who think it’s not a problem, but clearly aren’t going to be supportive co or step-parents, then make sure you mention — in just one sentence — about your love for your children or your desire to have children. I caution people not to discuss their divorces or children too much as you want someone to date YOU first and foremost, and to get to know YOU outside of your other roles in life.

My first year of college was spent at a community college. I wanted to be close to home, I could’ve gone anywhere probably, I had great grades in high school. I was transferring the next year, I told everyone.

I always had to defend my choice, I thought. Who would be impressed by me getting my core classes out of the way for a small price? I was scared to leave home and wanted to save money, but you can’t just tell people that, I thought.

I’ve had the same stigma attached to being single since I was aware of the fact at age 4. I don’t think I ever thought it was okay to be single. It just seemed to me like people had to be together.

At the risk of sounding like I shouldn’t be writing for this column, it may surprise you then that I’ve been perpetually single since the beginning of high school. Maybe it was my constant need for a committed relationship that’s been stopping me. Maybe it’s that secretly I’ve just been trying my whole life to impress people enough to want to be with me, and that constant need to be better has gotten in my way.

In one of my favorite movies, Before Sunrise, Ethan Hawke observes that he is always around himself and never gets a chance to be someone different. Everything he does, every kiss, every moment, has to involve him no matter what. I think I’ve felt some of that too, I just wanted to experience someone else, to not have to just experience me.

That’s not to say I’m not happy with who I am, far from it. Rather, I think the problem is that I can never accept just me as enough. I’ve always felt like some other half I was supposed to know is missing. But publicly, I would like to admit to myself here that I am very happy with who I am and very proud of the person I’ve become. I’ve done a lot of great things in an effort to make a name for myself, and I think even that I have done successfully.

So now I find only one thing left to do. There’s obviously a reason I’m writing this piece this week, and I’m sure you can figure it out based on my tone here. I’m ready to start a very extended Hi-Datus, as I call it, and just spend some time getting to know myself. I want to learn more what it is I like, how I can be happy alone, and how I can better find what exactly it is I’m even looking for, and even better, help others to do the same. As the wise artist Fergie once said, “This [guy] don’t stay single for long,” but as long as I can help it, I’m gonna say I’m single, and I’m not going to justify a damn thing.

Dear Tamar,

I want to date honestly and sincerely on 100hookup. I’m pre-med and trying hard to get into medical school, but I may not get in. How do I convey this interest in medicine — even though I’m not in a program yet — without sounding like a loser?

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Dear Not a Loser,

Simply be honest and sincere. List out in the appropriate sections that you are pre-med, and discuss your passion for medicine in the “About Me” section. You do not need to discuss the fact that you are not in, or even accepted to, medical school yet. That’s a conversation you can have on the first date.

However, you should be ready to discuss your “Plan B” if you don’t get into med school, but there is no need to explain that in your 100hookup profile. The same would go for someone who is applying for law school or to an MBA program — you don’t need go into too much detail in your profile about how you bombed the LSATs the first time, or got rejected from Wharton — just talk about your career path! People are attracted to those who are passionate about what they do (or plan to do) with their lives, regardless of what that is.

A blogger from The Times of Israel recently posted an article called “15 Women Hotter Than Bar Refaeli.” It listed women such as Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Prime Minister Golda Meir and comedian Sarah Silverman. The point of the article is to show that what makes a woman “hot” is not just a gorgeous face or a sexy body, but brains and the ability to use them.

Looks are subjective; everyone has their own idea of what is sexy and what (or who) they are attracted to. However, brains, intelligence and ingenuity cannot be faked (at least not for long). You are going to click on someone’s profile because you’re attracted to their profile photo, but you’re going to continue being interested based on what’s beneath — so put more effort into getting to know your prospects before you determine that you are or are not interested.

I read somewhere recently that the beginning of a relationship should feel like a honeymoon period. Meaning there should be very little things that need to be worked out and absolutely no fighting. If someone comes at you with a negative attitude or starts an argument with you while you’re still in the “courting” phase, consider something to be very wrong.

• Do: Approach situations calmly and with your head on straight. When someone says something to you that makes you upset, wait before responding and never respond back attacking them. Remember, this is someone who is supposed to make you happy and feel safe and secure. If they are starting fights with you, especially early on, things won’t get better later on.

• Don’t: Feel obligated to give someone a second or a third or a fourth chance if they keep on starting fights with you or disagreeing with you. Stand up for what you believe in and don’t sacrifice your comfort level.

Matchmakers have had to take on new techniques in this modern day of technology. Recently I got an email from a friend with a link to a 100hookup profile, asking me if I knew the girl and if I would approve of him making contact and… get this… if I would lay the groundwork by telling her what a good guy he is as well.

I did know the gal and did approve of his choice, so I agreed to do what he asked and sent her a message letting her know that a guy friend of mine saw her on 100hookup and would be contacting her on 100hookup, but wanted to make sure she knew who he was since she was more than likely being inundated with messages. She wrote me back and told me she was interested as well and would look forward to his email.

This is just another example of how to proactively 100hookup and use all your contacts (and means) to meet your Beshert.

When I left retail this past summer, I was faced with something that initially seemed amazing: funemployment. For six weeks, I was out of a job but still had grad school ahead of me to not make me feel like I was just a schlub loafing around. Life was sufficiently free for my enjoyment, one beer at a time, and I allowed myself to do nothing but relax and go on vacations around the country.

What I underestimated was how long six weeks really is. My vacations only took up two weeks, and before I knew it I was bored out of my mind in Dallas and had only time on my hands. Amazingly, that was when I started to find some things I really enjoyed, and to get back from a two-year funk I didn’t even know I’d been in.

Something I realized near the end of my time in retail was that I was always getting into relationships as I started vacations. The rest of the time I was pretty miserable in my job, so when I was happy and on vacation it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I made people want to be around me. As I faced funemployment, I began to take my usual out-of-work happiness to new places. I started working out more, I kept Shabbat for the first time, and I even brushed up on some skills for school. Still, six weeks ultimately felt like a very long time and at the end, felt like a lot of time wasted.

The truth is, this kind of thing happens to all of us. If not breaks, we certainly get downtime that we don’t use as fully as we should. I find myself wasting away on videogames and movies and wondering why I don’t feel more accomplished. This time is different though, and I’m excited to be getting ahead in various areas of my life. I know I write about changing yourself a lot, but next time you get some downtime, after you’ve rested a bit, take some time to really think about what it is you’re missing, and do something about it.  Maybe you want to get closer with family or friends, or learn a skill, or get more involved in your community.

Next time you’re sitting on 100hookup in your free time and wondering why you can’t find anyone you like, it might not be because they’re not there. It might be because you’re not. There’s no such thing as improving too much, and it’s okay to change who you are as your desires change. So instead of looking at Mitzvahgal13 for the fortieth time, go ahead and go do something exciting! Who knows, maybe even Mitzvahgal will notice.

A friend of mine just announced her engagement on Facebook and after receiving more than 100 “Mazals” she posted a comment thanking everyone for their good wishes and stating that she had met her fiance online. This new thread then gained steam of its own with dozens of comments where many of her family and friends typed that they too had met their spouse online. It was a testament to what 100hookup and other sites strive to accomplish. My only issue was that people wrote it as if they normally don’t admit that they met their beshert online and seemed to only be doing so now because it was trendy. Listen people, the vast majority of singles are searching online and there is absolutely no shame in doing so. Own it and be proud of it, especially since you have pretty good odds of meeting your mate online.

I lost a bet. I was on a second date with a guy at Dave and Busters and he said whoever wins this game we’re playing has to plan our next date. Sure enough, I did everything I could to win. I put my game face on, rolled up my sleeves, and was determined to come out a winner. But I lost.

I must admit. It’s always very nice when a guy (on the first few dates) has where we are going and what we are doing all planned out. It makes me feel less stressed and more comfortable with him. But there’s nothing wrong with the girl taking the lead on a date and planning out the evening.

• Do: Remember things about him and incorporate something he likes into the date. Whether it is his favorite activity, food, or place in the area that he has been wanting to visit. This is a great opportunity to remind him that you listen. That you care.

• Don’t: Wait till the last minute. You’ll be overwhelmed with the question of what-to-do and end up upset with yourself.

A girlfriend of mine was telling me a story last night about how and why her most recent relationship ended. Apparently the guy, who’s a few years younger than she is, freaked out after continuously meeting all her engaged, married, and parenting friends. Since there’s still a “2” before his age and a “3” before his, he felt pressure that she would want to rush into getting married even though she had never said anything of the sort. She explained to me that she tried telling him that she wasn’t in any hurry but he had already made up his mind and broke off the relationship. After a few weeks he came back into the picture ready to listen to what she had to say and admitted that she hadn’t put any pressure on him and now they are cautiously talking again. She sat next to me and told me all this and my response to her was that neither she nor he could rationalize his feelings away and making excuses for the past month wasn’t going to magically change the fact that he freaked out nor was he going to magically not feel any subconscious pressure from dating a woman in her 30’s. I warned her to proceed slowly with her eyes wide open and that in the meantime I would ramp up my efforts to set her up with someone.

People don’t change in a month but they can change over time when they truly want to. Actions speak louder than words so if you are dating someone who hasn’t asked you for Prime Time Date Night within the first few weeks or hasn’t introduced you to his or her family and friends after a few months or refuses to have The Talk after half a year and always has excuses as to why, then stop making excuses for that person and move on to someone who is going to treat you as special as you deserve to be treated.