Archive for January, 2013

On Sunday, over 150 Americans (and others) will be gathered around their TV to watch football’s biggest game. Some will be watching because they are actual fans of the Ravens or the 49ers, some because of the commercials, some because they enjoy gambling, and others because they were invited to a game-day potluck and are trying to follow along with what the rest of their friends are doing.

For some, NFL Sunday represents an excuse for binge drinking, or a continuation of college football Saturday drinking. For those who just tune in because they were invited to that potluck mentioned above, it offers an opportunity to meet people (sports fan and non-sports fan), see them in various states, and ultimately determine if you want to ask them out.

Did I come to a conclusion too quickly? Possibly, but think about it: You got tired of the biochemist whose hobbies included bikram yoga and the History Channel? Well, now you can observe the friend of your co-worker, who is a die-hard football fan (yet has no allegiance to either team) and has season tickets to his local NBA team. You can ask him about his passions (or her), and see how he responds to various questions, how he acts to others who may not share his interests, and his choice of potluck food. Chances are if he brought pho and white wine to a football party, he’s probably never been to a tailgate or game watch before.

Knowing that, maybe there is a guy you like at the party. As the hours go on, you still like him. You like how he explains football rules to your friend who knows as much about sports as I do about 18^th Century English literature (which is none), and how he uses “please” and “thank you” in his requests for his fourth, fifth, and sixth whiskey cokes. Even when he slurs his words a little bit and asks to take you to that new bistro on the corner of Starbucks and McDonalds, you give him your number.

Pregame coverage of the big game starts at around 11:00 am (depending on the channel you are watching) and the game ends around 9:30-10:00ish (for us on Central Time). That’s almost 10 solid hours of getting to know someone, or some people. Who knew you could get a date out of an alcohol-fueled party for football’s biggest game?

I always see myself as young and healthy. Back when I wasn’t healthy, I was younger. Now that I’m healthy, I’m older. I never saw myself as overweight. Now, when I look at old pictures of myself, I wonder who that vaguely attractive semi-obese man is, and wonder why my mother never told me I have a second brother with no self control.

Back when I was big, and I saw those same photos, I didn’t see myself as other than skinny. Now, though thin, I refuse to believe I’m aging. My hairline is somewhat receding, yet I’m already using really cheesy middle-aged-man-methods to try to cover it up. I clip the front of my hair to make it try to blend in better. I brush my hair forward. I wear hats. I’m just kidding about the hats. I hate hats.

I believe God gave me the option of either youth or health, but never at the same time. Imagine if I had been young and healthy. I would have been married by age 18. That actually would have led to way more problems. In a way I’m glad I’m just now getting my life together.It helped me realize how bad things can get and appreciate how far I’ve come. If I had settled down by age twenty, I would have never realized what it’s like to really hit rock bottom, and wouldn’t appreciate anything, including my wife. Today, I appreciate my girlfriend more than anything, and I believe this is part of the reason. For ten years, I couldn’t even get a second date. Now, not only did I get a second date, but I’m on the cusp of starting a new life with someone who I wouldn’t have even imagined saying ‘hi’ to just two years ago.

However, I am still aging. My hair will fall out. My hip, which was just diagnosed with dysplasia, will give out. I will eventually care if my taxes get raised. I’m not a child anymore, and I really have no room to mess around. I can’t really sleep in anymore unless I’m sick, and even then, I really can’t. I can’t go to McDonalds everyday anymore. I can’t build forts anymore, because my sheets no longer have cartoons on them, so they would just end up looking like tents.

Dear Tamar,

I have had two dates with someone I met on 100hookup and the third is coming up. I really like this person and he seems to like me. Any advice for the third date?

-Third Dates the Charm?

Dear Third Dates The Charm,

Exciting! The third date can be a major turning point. No, you don’t have to have sex. Still, you’ve gotten past the first and second dates which means you are now officially “dating.”

Now that you are over the 2nd date hump, you can take some pressure off wondering if he likes you because — guess what? He does! It doesn’t mean you have to give it up, or that you should start passing gas at the dinner table, but you can relax your shoulders and stop doubting yourself. You can also start accepting dates with him at the last minute and you need to require him to take you to a formal dinner.

At the end of the third date you can invite your date to your house for a home-cooked meal. On the third date you still want to be your best self, but you can also open up a little bit more and show your date that you’re not perfect, you have faults and you’re normal. You can share embarrassing stories, failures and your odd (but fun) quirks. You get to be real. But you get to do so knowing that you’re in a new relationship that has already passed the first two tests, and now you’re building a foundation to move forward. Good luck and let me know how it progresses!

On Sunday, two of my best friends in the entire world got engaged. It didn’t catch anybody by surprise, since they had been dating for going on four years, so it was a matter of when, not if, and it pretty much made my week. However, many of their friends happen to be far from establishing serious relationships with a significant other.

Last week, my friend went to a baby shower. She remarked to me that out of everyone, she was the only one not in a relationship, and she was a couple of years older than I am. She’s been in many more relationships than me, and wondered aloud if she would ever find someone.

As we get into our mid-to-late 20s, and early 30s, many people think the same way as my friend (and sometimes myself too): they wonder if they will ever find someone to compliment them in life. It’s not the best way to think, especially as I alluded to in an earlier post, people are getting married later and later.

What many people don’t understand as they get caught up in the dating rush is that we all have different timelines, and different personalities that may make it harder for us to match up with people. Sometimes, you find your life partner at 18, and other times you have to wait until you’re 35. It’s unfortunate if you have to wait that long, but maybe it’s for the best.

People experience sleepiness every day. While the best solution for sleepiness is sleep, this is not always a viable solution, as you may be at work, and you can’t sleep, because you are an open heart surgeon. I find creative ways to sleep throughout the day when not at home. For example, I’m really well attuned to my daily driving routine. People often use the phrase, ‘I can drive there in my sleep.’ loosely. However, every morning, I drive to work while asleep. Either that or I’m so used to my routine that while I’m awake while driving, I suddenly find myself in my work parking garage without remembering anything since waking up at about 2 am the night before to use the restroom. Most likely, I do not drive while sleeping, because I constantly find myself being alive.

I actually don’t sleep throughout the day. That was just a preface for that hilarious fake anecdote. I’m still on a strict diet throughout the week, and a lot of the time, though I am really tired, my hunger overrides my sleepiness, and I don’t feel the full weight of my fatigue until Friday after my diet is over and I’ve finally eaten a full meal. If you find that you are too tired a lot of the time, simply starve yourself. Once your stomach begins to eat its own lining, you will be in too much pain to realize that you need sleep. Also, you’ll lose some weight. Only five more months until swimsuit season!

Aside from that fact that the modern standards of beauty require a body that is unhealthily skinny, it is not a good idea to starve yourself. I just wanted to make that clear.

Because I am not a big fan of coffee, I sometimes rely on energy shots. Though recent reports indicate that drinks such as 5-hour Energy will kill you, and the fact that it should probably be renamed ‘2-hour Shaking’, I use this sometimes. I don’t care too much about my long-term health, so long as I feel okay now. Who knows? The earth may implode tomorrow, but at least I will be awake, alert, and shaking violently.

Hi Tamar,

I’ve been on and off 100hookup for several years, making sure to update my profile every now and again.

A few months ago, I signed up for a six-month subscription once again and reactivated my profile from the year before. I changed my essays and updated a few of my photos, but have received so little attention. Am I doing something wrong?

Even the emails I send out to guys (which I know are read) get no response! I have no idea if I am on the right track with my profile — or if there is something terribly uninteresting about it.

Additionally, all the matches I get are always the same people that I have either messaged, or I am sure I am not interested in. I changed my search criteria a little bit, but it didn’t change much. This is so discouraging and I am not sure what to do.

Dear Off and On,

After checking out your profile I have a few notes. First, your profile name is great! It shows you are both fun and creative. I like that you have multiple photos, I would only suggest that you have someone take clearer and more close-up photos of your face with great lighting — and I would have you look straight on to the lens! Then I would reorder the pictures and put the last three photos after the close-up. They show your personality and will bring a smile to the face of your prospects because, again, your fun side is shining through.

I really like your “About Me” and other paragraphs. I would go through and double-check your spelling and grammar — it’s not an uncommon error I find, and it’s also not a “make-or-break,” but it is nice to have a comprehensive profile.

I would try to spice up the section about what you like to do on the weekends… don’t lie of course, but try to show your adventurous side here by talking about what you WOULD do with the right person (jump in the car spontaneously to visit that restaurant you just saw on “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” in a neighboring state) or what you HAVE done (a progressive dinner with friends hitting up New York’s best restaurants for one course at a time) and not what you do the other 75% of the time.

Finally, in your preferences, I would widen the age range. Honestly, I don’t think that in your mid-to-late 20’s you would date someone three years younger (although I do appreciate the openness to doing so). I would bring your bottom range to a year below your age and your upper range to eight years above your age. 27-36 is a much more realistic range for you than 25-32.

Expand your search criteria for location as well since you are from one state and live in a neighboring state, there’s no reason to not include a wide radius! And don’t be afraid to take a new look at guys who you remember from a few years ago because, just as you have grown and changed, so have they.

I hope these tips help, and good luck finding your Beshert!

Back in the day, when it was more standard to receive letters in the mail, I used to go bonkers at the site of an envelope addressed to me, decorated with carefully placed postage and saliva-sealed edges. Through the years, that excitement carried on through the finger-print stained notes I’d get passed during class, “You’ve got mail” notifications for new emails (minus, I will add, work emails), and now 100hookup messages.

The prospective “what-if” that dazzles my imagination when I see the flicker of having a new message lying idly in my 100hookup inbox is enough to make online dating become an obsession — or at least a mid-afternoon pick-me up!

But not all 100hookup messages are created equally. Some are laced with time consuming references that some charmer took from my profile in order to prove to me they took the time to “learn more about me” and to critique me, past my selection of selfie-posted pictures. And some, the ones I normally don’t reply to and instantly press delete on, are practically blank messages, one worded, or the absolute worst, contain a scrambled together use of punctuation resulting in a ; ) symbol.

Do: When you’ve landed on someone’s profile who makes you sneak a smile, and while dabbling through their “details” your heart flutters, and your mind travels to frank possibilities of a future with them, or more simply put, a first date—send them a message! Send them a message that has personality, one that uses a variety of punctuation, admiration, and thought. Tell them about something on their page that made you pause and become momentarily intrigued. (This “Do” is also for all my single ladies. It’s acceptable and impressive for you to send a guy that makes your heart wiggle a message. Don’t play hard to get, play go out and get them.)

Don’t: Don’t start and end a message with only three letters: “Hey.” If you’re going to take a humorous or cliché route, like a recent message I received that said the following, “Judging your book by its cover, I’d love to curl up and read the rest,” include more context and more details that begin a fluid conversation (including your name). I would like to be able to respond and not be utterly creeped out.

You probably have a long list of qualities that you’re looking for in a partner: smart, nice, funny, and so on. But what about how they argue? It doesn’t seem like an obvious trait to think about, but arguing styles are very important. If one of you clams up and shuts down while the other likes to yell and shout then you will get nowhere in a hurry. If one of you likes to talk it out and not go to bed angry while the other prefers to take a walk and sleep on it, then again, you will go nowhere in a hurry. Of course, discussing how you argue is not exactly an easy conversation to have but once you do have an argument and it is obvious that you can’t have a constructive, productive argument then you may need to rethink your relationship. Couples argue. Hopefully not a lot, but it happens and if you can’t argue in style then arguments are going to end up being even more miserable then they already are.

Without knowing how to properly allocate my income, I often find myself spending a lot of money on shampoo and then suddenly find myself without power, running water, or any form of insurance whatsoever.

How am I supposed to know how much money I’m supposed to spend on different things? Walgreens has 28 different types of shampoo, and I need them all for my hair to smell nice! Car insurance does not in any way make my hair smell nice!

I need to hire a financial advisor, unless that’s not what a financial advisor does. Now I will need money to pay someone to tell me what a financial advisor does. And eventually I will need someone to tell me where I can find a financial advisor-advisor.

Anytime I come across something I think I need, I spend money on it. If I can’t see it (insurance, car payments, psychic hotlines), it’s a lot more difficult for me to justify payments. I need instant gratification. I don’t even like ordering takeout or going to the grocery store. I want to pay for food and immediately eat the food. I’m not going to pay for something and then wait to make it myself. I’ve come too far in life to remember how to make something from other things.

So, as my life progresses and I begin to take on new responsibilities, I really need to know how to spend my money more wisely. When I was little, I had a plan to save all of my money once I got an adult job and wear really trashy clothes and eat really cheap food until I had enough money to buy a tuxedo. Basically, the tuxedo was the ultimate sign of success. I still do not have a tuxedo. I have so far to go.

So for those of you who don’t know, I happen to be a monthly reader of Cosmo. Call me not masculine, weird, odd, or any non-alpha male adjective, but I’m not ashamed. I find the journalistic integrity to be top of the line.

Anyway, there was an article in one of the issues regarding aphrodisiacs, with sushi and chocolate being mentioned often, with the accompanying headline “how to set the mood for a night of love” or something similar. I did a bit more research as well, and according to the site eatsomethingsexy.com, sushi, when combined with ginger and wasabi “warms your body” and is able to bring an “attractive flush to the cheeks”, and if taken in potent enough doses “can even cause your body to release endorphins”. I was totally tingling inside as I read that.

Then I did a little bit more research. An aphrodisiac is a substance believed to arouse sexual desire. So you don’t like Mr. Chow’s Sushi Place, but want that same endorphin rush and get that vibe back in the bedroom? Exercise helps. Go on a competitive four mile run with your partner, or potential partner. Maybe even play a game of one-on-one basketball.

Smiling increases the production of endorphins as well, and is a natural aphrodisiac. What causes people to laugh and smile? A Chapelle’s Show skit? Analyzing the latest Cosmo feature? Going on 100hookup and checking out the spelling mistakes made by everyone?

The point of this is simple: you don’t always have to go on nice, fancy dinners to set the mood in your love life, and if that’s the only way your partners, or potential partners seem to get any arousal, well, you’re going to have one boring relationship. Whenever I’m having a down day, I tend to go on YouTube and look up “Dallas Mavericks 2011 NBA Finals Game 6”. That might not work for some of you, but for me, it keeps a smile on my face and my mood right.