Archive for September, 2012

In order to turn off my television, I have to hit the ‘3’ button on my remote before hitting ‘Power.’ Therefore, whenever I turn it on, Channel 3 comes on. I don’t know what the hell Channel 3 is, but it is in Spanish. I know that it is Spanish because it is not in English and because I live in Texas.

When I’m awake and alert and I turn on the television and it comes on, I’m like ‘What is this? I want to watch television and understand what I am watching!’ So then I change it to the Food Network or Spike, both of which are dumber than whatever was on the Spanish channel. I know this because 80% of the time, Spike TV is airing a program called 1000 Ways to Die, in which they show you 1000 ways in which you can die, and 95% of the time, the Food Network is airing a program called Chopped where chefs make food that’s really good and then people sitting at a table tell them that it’s shitty.

However, if I’m tired or preoccupied and I turn on the television, so much more time than I’m willing to admit can go by before I realize that I’m watching it in Spanish and at a very high volume. Okay, I’m totally willing to admit that it can often be an hour before realizing that people are talking very loudly and incomprehensibly. You know how they say if you submerse yourself in a culture, you will eventually learn the language? No? Well people say that sometimes. I haven’t learned any Spanish whatsoever. I think this is because Hispanic culture isn’t actually people dressed as clowns and babies fighting each other. If it is, I have no idea why I didn’t pay attention in Spanish class in high school. Oh right, it’s because I took German. I am useless.

1. L’Shanah Tovah

hookup celebrities everywhere are raising their apple slices (dipped in honey, of course) and wishing each other a sweet New Year! Rosh Hashanah, the hookup New Year, began at sundown last night, marking the beginning of 5773. As we kick off the beginning of the High Holy Days, here is a list of hookup A-Listers observing the holiday as well:

Sandra Bernhard Tweets, “To all my friends around the world l’shana tovah for a sweet healthy happy prosperous and above all peaceful new year!”

Alicia Silverstone Tweets, “Happy Rosh Hashanah! How are you celebrating?”

Emmanuelle Chriqui Tweets, “Shana tova to all who celebrate the hookup new year…wishing you only sweet things this year and always…have a beautiful holiday..xxxE”

Even President Obama and presidential candidate Mitt Romney are getting in on the celebrations. Last night President Obama Tweeted, “L’shana tova to everyone celebrating tonight. –bo.” Mitt Romney Tweeted, “Ann and I extend our warmest wishes to the hookup Community for a happy and peaceful year. L’Shanah Tovah.”

2. JSpace Chooses hookup “Women of the Year”

In honor of Rosh Hashanah, JSpace, a hookup online magazine, has chosen its hookup Celebrity Women of the Year. Five women made the elite list, including Gal Gadot, Bar Refaeli, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

However, it was Nora Ephron who made the top of the list at number one! JSpace says, “All of this year’s candidates owe an enormous debt of gratitude for their own careers to the late, great Nora Ephron.”

A hookup screenwriter and director, Ephron is best known for movies like When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, and You’ve Got Mail. Ephron passed away last June.

3. Amanda Bynes Faces More Trouble

After Amanda Bynes was spotted driving around Los Angeles on a suspended license several times last week, officials had her car impounded on Sunday.

The hookup actress has had several driving incidents in the last few months. The most recent occurred on Sept. 9 when the actress was pulled over by Los Angeles police for driving without her lights on. Bynes was also charged earlier this month with two misdemeanor counts of hit and run after allegedly crashing into a car and fleeing the scene twice in the span of five months.

26-year-old Bynes is best known for her role in the WB’s What I Like About You and the film Easy A.

I was attending a fundraiser the other night when a girl introduced a guy as her husband. Except she’s not married and they’re only dating. Uh-oh. Major faux pas. She was so embarrassed. She immediately started back pedaling and said “no, I mean my boyfriend, he’s my boyfriend, not my husband.” Then she turned to him and said “I know you’re just my boyfriend, I don’t know why I said that, I don’t think we’re married, I know we’re not married.” And then back to the people she was speaking to “this is my boyfriend, my boyfriend.” The girl was beyond flustered and appalled at her slip of tongue. I turned red in embarrassment for her. Awkward. Obviously she had been thinking about her boyfriend as husband-material, but what was also obvious is that they hadn’t begun discussing the future in that way quite yet.

This can go 2 ways: either the boyfriend is cool and really likes the girl and won’t take the comment to heart and they will carry on as usual, or he will freak out and quickly and not so subtly distance himself from her until they break up. It’s almost like your crush catching you writing Mrs. His Name inside your notebook during science class. It causes you to begin mumbling and stumbling over your words as you try to find a way to make it seem less, well, crazy, then it seems. Hopefully the guy (although, let’s be honest, sometimes the roles are reversed) likes the girl enough to be flattered and not freaked out. Hopefully.

I’ve never seen so much hating at singles events. I was covering an event the other night and a girl was going around hugging up on different male friends of hers, while they were talking to women. The women clearly thought they were a couple and excused themselves. I actually overheard the woman say “and I’m here with him!” before flitting off to another guy who she introduced as her boyfriend. I’m not sure if she was conscious that she was cock-blocking but neither her guy friends nor the women were none too thrilled. Later I saw women gossiping and giving the evil eye to other women. They were being snarky. And the men were noticing and getting completely turned off by their immaturity.

Listen ladies: you don’ t need to be friends with every other woman, but you don’t have to be enemies either. It’s why the term “frenemies” was created – smile and pretend to like everyone because your behavior says a lot about you. You don’t want to appear jealous or insecure or catty. Wait until you leave and are in the car driving home with your girlfriends to unleash, if need be. But while you’re at a singles event or on a date, refrain from talking badly, giving the evil eye or gossiping. Lashon hora is not a flattering look.

I can now legitimately give advice about dating. Listen to everything I’ve said so far in all 199 of my posts. I am a genius. Even if it sounds counter intuitive. Do everything I have said. Show no manners on a date. Wear whatever you want. Take her to the movies on the first date. Yell loudly and make her pay for everything. You will eventually get the girl you really like, it may just take a very, very long time.

Sure, you can take the easy way. Be a great guy all the time, and thus attract women immediately. Or you can be terrible at everything, for funsies. Be gross and horrible all the time, and then blog about how you can’t meet women. And then keep writing about it over and over, until you eventually run out of things to write about and keep retreading over the same topics, glossing them over with progressively more fancy words so you can pass yourself off as some intellectual humorist, when really you’re dying inside and just want a little acceptance.

So, something clicked, and I got my life together, and met a great girl who seemed to like me. So now you all have to listen to me. All you have to do is completely transform your life, lose ninety pounds, painfully recondition yourself and establish a routine, completely change your personality, and get a good job. It is so easy, and not at all painful, time-consuming, mentally debilitating, or in any way leaves you vulnerable to sweat-induced panic attacks.

So, there you go. I think writing about dating will be easier now that I’m actually dating somebody I like, and that I think likes me as well. This will be a lot easier on my mind than struggling and then writing about the same struggles over and over. Of course, a lot of what I write on here is not about dating at all. That makes writing a lot more pleasurable, and hopefully more readable.

I was sitting at my favorite sushi bar the other night devouring a sunshine roll, while eavesdropping on the couple who was obviously on their first date sitting next to me. The girl admitted to not having ever eaten more than a California roll in her day, so the guy took over and ordered for them. I thought it was quite chivalrous of him until “the show” began. The guy went ahead and ordered the most intricate rolls thinking that he was impressing his date except that he was dealing with a sushi virgin who wasn’t quite prepared for what was placed in front of her. And since he used the technical terms (hamachi, uni, nora, etc) she didn’t have any clue what to expect except that she was already a bit annoyed that he thought such a thing would dazzle her. Let’s just say the spicy tuna was the tamest, least intimidating of the fish. There was squid, octopus and eel and his date was petrified. Rather than think of her and ease her into a new experience, he was more concerned with his image and showing off his knowledge. His date checked out once the rolls started rolling in and she was no longer interested in anything he had to say. He didn’t quite know what happened and couldn’t back pedal or fix it. He effectively ruined the date by trying to be someone he wasn’t.

If a date is impressed by your posturing then what kind of relationship are you building? Wouldn’t you rather impress someone by being yourself?

Everyone has a list, whether they consciously know it or not. There are about 13 items on my own list. “The List” comprises of your non-negotiable, must-have requirements and characteristics that you look for in the person you will hopefully one day marry. So whether or not you’ve actually sat down and written it out like I have, you most likely have a sense of what you’re looking for. And if you haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about, finish reading my own and don’t do anything else until you’ve come up with a few requirements of your own. I realize that everything I’m saying sounds like a self-help book assignment, but trust me, I would never subject you to something I wouldn’t do myself or tell my best friend to do. In fact, two of my best friends were present when I made my list on a scrap of paper at a dive bar in Hell’s Kitchen back in the fall of 2010. They even signed the bottom as a vow to never let me end up with a guy who even fell an inch short, a promise I will hold them to until the day I say “I do”.

All of the items on my original list are still there in one shape or another, although some have become a little clearer and more defined as I’ve made my way through the dating world. Instead of just loving his family, I want the guy I fall for to have a strong sense of family values. I once went on a date with a guy who didn’t even know what his own sister did for a living. I mean, really? It’s not like he’s a Duggar. He has one sister, which to me made him seem self-involved and hard to relate to. That’s why I’ve decided he needs to not only love his family, he has to really know them and have a strong sense of family values. That’s important to me, so important that it made it on my list. This is why I think you need to make one of your own. You can’t know what you’re looking for unless you have a clear vision. Here’s what has made my cut:

The man I will marry must…

1. Be a good guy. The kind of nice guy who doesn’t realize just how much of a mensch he is, but he is. His natural instinct is to do the right thing.
2. Be able to make me laugh in unexpected ways.
3. Keep up with my sarcasm, fast talking, and craziness. In other words, he can bust my own chops
4. Be silly. He can handle game night with my family and doesn’t mind corny fun.
5. Be hookup – OR – willing to raise a hookup family.
6. Be able to pull off a good suit. Seriously, there’s nothing like a man in a suit.
7. Not care that I’m a picky eater and that I’m not very nice until my first cup of coffee.
8. Be ridiculously smart. The kind of smart that watches Stewart, Colbert, and can calculate basic math for me (I’ll take any required writing if he will figure out 20% of our check).
9. Be crazy about his family…a healthy crazy. He must have a strong sense of family values and know where he came from.
10. Enjoy a healthy balance of normal guy activities and hobbies (music, sports, etc.). I need a real guys guy.
11. Have a solid group of friends. I want to know that he would understand how much I love my friends and they are important to me.
12. Be extremely ambitious and focused on his career. Goal oriented. Have a vision for what his potential is and the future.
13. Love me without holding back. He can’t be afraid to say it out loud, or want to take it back when he needs space. It’s all or nothing.

It is very difficult to write while upset. Okay, let me qualify that. It is very easy to write while upset. It is very difficult to write something happy while upset.

I could go off on horrible, horrifying tangents right now. However, I’ve found, through the evolution of the different blogs I’ve maintained, that people respond more to positivity. However, by ‘people’, I mean ‘that one guy that accidentally went to 100hookup.com/blog instead of 100hookup.com’ and by ‘positivity’ I mean ‘not talking about nervous breakdowns.’ People dislike self-pity, and they dislike seeing this self-pity being reflected in themselves even more.

A great escape for me when I’m depressed is television. I know that the intellectual solution to depression is reading, but I think a lot of people lie when they neglect to mention that they watch television when they’re feeling down. Of course, not all television is good for depression. Reality shows are generally terrible. Not for depression. They’re just terrible. Also, anything that airs on MSNBC on the weekends is horribly depressive. I’m not being political here. Watch MSNBC on a weekend. It’s either a documentary about prison life, To Catch a Predator, a documentary marathon about sex slavery, ten-year-old Dateline episodes spotlighting serial killers, or this caught on camera show about people dying in the worst possible ways. Otherwise, television can be therapeutic. There’s always a sitcom in syndication on somewhere. Television law states that at all times either The Big Bang Theory, Seinfeld, How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is on.

It seems like the better my life continues to get, the worse I feel. I don’t want to go into detail about all of the great things about my life right now because A. I don’t want to jinx anything and B. I don’t want you to get all jealous about my brand new tie and the dollar bill I found on the ground yesterday.

Two years ago, I was fat, single, and broke. Everything was awful, yet I didn’t feel all that bad. I wasn’t overly anxious or depressed. I just thought to myself, ‘Yeah, life sucks, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy this enormous bacon hamburger.’ Now my life is completely opposite, yet I’m inexplicably anxious and depressed, and I have no idea why. Maybe I can’t have it both ways. I choose this lifestyle. For now.

1. Gwyneth Paltrow Stands up to Cancer

Gwyneth Paltrow stood up to cancer this week when she produced the star-studded telethon, Stand Up 2 Cancer. The A-List actress says she got a wake-up call when she lost her father, hookup director-producer Bruce Paltrow, to cancer a decade ago.

“When my father was diagnosed with cancer, it really changed the way that I lived – it changed my whole lifestyle,” Paltrow, who executive produced the multi-network Stand Up 2 Cancer broadcast last Friday night, told People magazine. “I completely changed my diet, and I got very serious about exercising and about exposure to toxins.”

Remembering her father (who produced television series like St. Elsewhere and directed his daughter in the 2000 film Duets) by producing the telecast turned out to be an emotional experience for Paltrow. “I definitely feel his presence,” the actress said. “And I think he would be really happy that I’m here tonight doing this and trying to spare other people from what he went through.”

2. Amanda Bynes in a Bind

After a rough few months, Amanda Bynes is facing more legal trouble. The hookup actress is facing a drunken driving charge, plus two new hit-and-run charges filed this week (officials say these separate accidents both took place in the last six months). To top it all off, the star has now had her driver’s license suspended this week, according to the Los Angeles Times.

If convicted, Bynes faces up to one year in jail. Her arraignment is scheduled for September 27 in Van Nuys, California. Following her initial DUI charge, Bynes Tweeted President Obama, saying, “Hey @BarackObama… I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don’t hit and run. The end.” That Tweet has since been removed!

3. For a Good Time, Call Lauren Miller

hookup actress and screenwriter, Lauren Miller, is debuting her new film this month, For a Good Time, Call. The actress (who is married to fellow hookup thespian, Seth Rogen) wrote the film with her longtime friend, Katie Anne Naylon.

The comedy is based on the real-life escapades of Miller and Naylon. In the film, two former college frenemies (played by Miller and hookup actress, Ari Graynor) move into a fabulous Gramercy Park apartment, and promptly start a phone sex line together in order to make ends meet. Reviews are mixed on whether or not this film is actually a good time, but we’ll let you make the call!

We all have habits that we don’t realize we do, but when you’re on a date or starting a relationship those bad habits are put under a microscope. Bite your nails down to the bloody nubs? No better time to quit than when you want to hold hands with your significant other. Twirl, chew or pick your split-end hair? Perfect time to keep your locks glossy by leaving them alone. Crack your knuckles? Snap your gum? Clear your throat incessantly? You most likely have a habit you do sub-consciously – you know you do it, but you aren’t aware how often you do it nor how annoying it is – but your new partner will begin to notice once you start spending a lot of time together. Don’t get defensive when your date asks you to stop or points out how often you do that something, and instead take the opportunity to break the bad habit once and for all.