Archive for June, 2012

How do you know when you’ve found The One? So often we get caught up in the hot and heavy of a new relationship – everything is hearts and flowers, you can’t keep your hands off of each other, you both want 3 kids and a dog – and we forget to have the serious nitty-gritty conversations. Often, you’ve never gotten close enough to marriage to even know what one of those conversations looks and sounds like and are then blind-sided when you are faced with one of life’s challenges. Sex and chemistry can only take you so far. At a certain point you will need to talk about what kind of income you want to live on and what happens if that income decreases when, for instance, you have kids and one of you wants to stay home, or, another good example, you decide to pursue your dream and suddenly your income plummets? How will your mate react to you changing your mind about what you want to do with your life? These are what married couples (with and without kids) deal with. This is not a conversation to be had on a first date. This is the talk you have when you feel close to getting engaged. You need to know how your partner adjusts to change. Will he or she hold over your head what you said five years earlier (ie. “I don’t want to be a stay at home mom” when you realize you do once the kid comes or “I like practicing law because I get paid big bucks to argue” when you decide to go back to school for your MBA to become an entrepreneur) or will they support you and encourage you to do what makes you happy even if it means a short-term dent in the wallet? Food for thought…

There is no greater freedom than the kind you return to at the end of a mercifully short first (and last) date that in no way, shape, or form matched your pre-conceived notions of what she’d be like.

What’s the recipe for letting these pre-conceived notions bamboozle you yet again?  Mix one part of her phone voice and reasonably flattering isolated moment in time her pic captured, with the subconscious essences of women you were drawn to in the past you’re thinking this total stranger looks and sounds like, simmer for a day or two and voila – your goose is cooked!

Why do I keep running for the football, expecting “Lucy” not to grab it away this time?  I’m done with cooked goose.  From now on, I’m Mr. Chicken.

Dear Tamar,

I have been trying not to add too many profile photos, as I didn’t really want someone choosing to talk to me just off of what I look like. I’ve sent numerous emails though and am not getting any responses. Are photos really that important?

-Camera Shy

Dear Camera Shy,

In short, yes, photos are important. You don’t need to post a ton of them, but about 4 will do. This is the thing: people are not choosing you based on your photos alone, they’re reading your profile as well. The two combined is what ups or lowers the ante. So you need a strong profile and a number of photos that show you are consistent in your looks. Everyone has a type, so don’t automatically assume why people are not responding to your emails. Do you realize you are judging people for wanting to see your photos in order to judge you? How are you any different than them? The problem with photos is that if you don’t add enough then people think you are trying to hide something. Add too many (same outfit, same angle, same pose) then it’s just obnoxious.

Back when I was single and on 100hookup, the guys without photos would drive me nuts! Why take the time and make the effort to be on 100hookup if you’re not going to go all in and post photos? What’s the point? There’s someone out there for everyone but you’re only hurting your chances if you don’t complete all the criteria.

You spent two hours reading his or her profile, exchanging emails and having a few quick phone calls as you made plans. Then you spent an hour getting ready, a half an hour getting to the restaurant, and three hours on the date. Then why, six and a half hours later, can you not remember anything about the date? Sure, you can remember the food and you recall that your date was a blonde (or brunette, or short or tall, etc) but there is nothing special about your date that sticks in your mind. Did you not ask enough questions? Did you not lead the conversation somewhere interesting? What attracted you to this person in the first place and why did you not capitalize on that? If you did try all of the above and still the date went nowhere then it was just a dud date and you need to move on. But if you just sat there and hoped your date would do all the work then you need to wake up and make more of an effort if you don’t want to be single forever.

There are many terrible, life-altering decisions that you can make while drunk. You can get pregnant (usually this one is only possible if you are a woman). You can contract a disease. You can drive and get in a car accident. You can drunk-text your ex-girlfriend, thus setting into motion a two-month-long series of increasingly awkward ‘apology texts,’ where each one just makes things so much worse until she files another restraining order, and you forget about this until a month later while eating at a restaurant a mile from her house with your family, and then you get arrested by the undercover police officer posing as your brother.

However, the worst possible thing you can do while drunk is eat. You really don’t realize what and how much you eat while you’re drunk. Last Saturday morning I woke up feeling horrible. I checked my transaction history and noticed that I spent $50 at Wendy’s. I had no idea that they even allowed you to spend more than $10 at a time. Another good indicator of my ill-advised actions was the trail of French fries leading to my toilet.

I would have rather contracted gonorrhea than have had to deal with another fast food hangover. The best part of my weekend is usually the fact that I’m off my diet and can eat whatever I want. With a fast food hangover, I’m usually not hungry for the rest of the weekend. So then, if I still want to enjoy food, I have to force down bacon avocado hamburgers into my body which is already trying its best to purge everything inside of it.

I have an upcoming date this Sunday. I have to make sure I don’t drunk-eat too much this Friday and Saturday night. I not only want to be able to enjoy the date, but I also don’t want  to smell of hamburgers so much that I have to overcompensate by using an entire can of cologne and then end up smelling like Dave Thomas must have smelt while preparing for a social occasion.

Picking the place to eat is a sensitive game. Never, ever pick a place that you like. This is for several reasons. First, if you like a place, then the staff there might recognize you and end up saying really stupid things to you on a first date like “Hey, why pants all of a sudden?” or “Your girlfriend has put on some weight.” Second, because a date can be a very anxiety-filled experience, you don’t want to have to be nervous when enjoying your favorite food. Third, if you take a girl to a place you like, she will know of this secret place too, and you will always be nervous that she will be there in the future when you just want to gorge yourself alone.

Also, always suggest a place where she wants to go, even if you’re violently allergic to the food. Suggest a place close to her home as well, because, while it’s nice of you to ask to pick her up for a first date, she will never say ‘yes’ because she’s never met you before. If she’s indecisive, which she will be, just tell her to let you know when she decides. Put the food ball in her restaurant court. Now, the burden is off you in terms of venue and it’s off of you to be the person to initiate the next call.

Now, all you have to do is sit back and wait for her to eventually not want to see you again. If you’re pessimistic like me, postpone the date as much as possible. In this way, you can not only delay inevitable heartbreak, but you will also come off as cool and not quite as desperate. Rejection has a silver lining. It makes you not as eager to put yourself out there, thus projecting a nonchalant disposition, when, really, you just need some time to recover.

Right now, the best part of my day is the one-and-a-half hours after my shower, but before bed. This doesn’t have anything to do with the post, but this is about to happen, and I’m not about to stop it.

When it comes to what people ask for in their ideal prospective partners, the age cutoff dates are fairly predictable. With many women in their mid 40s, for example, the day he turns 50 or maybe 55, it’s all over. If she’d met him the day before he turned 50 or 55, it would have been a whole other story. But the milk carton freshness date is what it is. Those middle years or years that end with zeros are killers. I understand; that’s when the warranties run out and it’s tough ordering new parts.

More women seem to be opening it up to considerably younger than they are, while extending the upper limit to only a couple of years beyond their own “freshness dates.” If men can, why not women, I suppose?

One thing to keep in mind, ladies: The expiration dates shouldn’t apply to those of us hermetically sealed in our apartments. In our air-tight containers, we’re liable to stay fresh forever.

Tamar –

I’m 41, divorced, with 2 girls, very satisfied in my career, self sustaining, etc. and hope to meet someone really nice – after a really bad divorce (not mentioned in my profile).

The problem is, the majority who contact me on 100hookup are 25-35, have no kids, are single and are only looking for the cougar Mom to have great sex with.

I’m not the cougar type (tried it once…not for me), really trying to find someone nice that I can have a relationship with and build a relationship with.

Do you have any advice?

Thank you

Dear The Cougar Who Isn’t,

I read your profile and I think you did a great job addressing your divorce without addressing it: “My past relationships gave me my two gorgeous children… and for that, I am grateful…..”. I think you did a great job with the 6 photos showing you from different angles. I would delete picture #3 as it looks like an older photo and is not consistent with what looks like more recent photos. I would also delete #4 as it shows you having fun, but looks awkward. Take more active photos to replace these with. The remaining 4 photos are consistent and clear.

As for the content, I think your profile is well-rounded and eloquent. In your answers you repeat yourself a lot and I know you are trying to get your point across but it’s an obvious copy&paste so either reword or delete those paragraphs. And I know you don’t want boys looking for cougars, but I’d pull back on your “what I don’t want” list at the bottom of your profile.

Additionally, I would change your age range. I don’t think 35-44 is right for you and what you’re looking for. I would shift your age range to 38-46 for starters, maybe even as high as 48. I believe adjusting your age range and making your profile flow better will be a good start to finding the type of quality men you’re looking for.

1.  Mean to Mila

Mila Kunis got a mean surprise when she hit the stage at the 2012 MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night. A man in the audience started to heckle the hookup actress while she and actor Mark Wahlberg were on stage to present the “Dirtbag” Award.

The man’s remarks were inaudible, but the Ted star was visibly shaken and stopped reading her lines. Wahlberg quickly jumped in and said, “And here I thought I was going to have to slap Russell [Brand.]”

2. Love & Basketball

New York Knicks captain Amar’e Stoudemire got engaged over the weekend! The basketball star (who says he has hookup heritage on his mother’s side) proposed to Alexis Welch, the mother of his three children in Paris on Saturday night.

Stoudemire asked Welch for her hand in marriage while standing on the balcony of his hotel suite, overlooking the Eiffel Tower lights. He told People magazine, “I have been planning my proposal for a while and overlooking the entire Paris skyline seemed like a perfect place.  I am so happy she said ‘yes,’ and now we can continue to build our life together as husband and wife.”

3. Jason Alexander Apologizes

Jason Alexander issued a lengthy apology over the weekend after he referred to cricket as a “gay game.” The hookup actor made the comments during an appearance on CBS’ Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on Friday.

“It’s the pitch,” the former Seinfeld star remarked to Ferguson while describing the game. “It’s the weirdest… It’s not like a manly baseball pitch; it’s a queer British gay pitch.”

Alexander quickly wrote up a statement after the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation expressed their anger at his comment. Alexander apologized by saying, “I should know better. My daily life is filled with gay men and women, both socially and professionally. I am profoundly aware of the challenges these friends of mine face and I have openly advocated on their behalf,” the statement read, in part.

Nothing makes your week better than three consecutive OCD-induced nervous breakdowns during three consecutive days. Actually, when thinking about it a little, anything that will ever happen to you during your entire lifespan will make your week better than three consecutive OCD-induced nervous breakdowns during three consecutive days.

I don’t want to go into the details of what caused these, because there is always a chance that if I pretend to be normal for another 14 years, somebody will like me enough to marry me and mother my future two girls and boy. I don’t want this potential mate to read this and then not become my potential mate. I need those kids, because my parents need grandchildren, and my youngest sibling is now an adult. Also, I need a source for power trips, and cats don’t work because they will always hold the power. However, I hold the food. I could always starve them to death, but there are always laws and guilt and the smell. Good lord the smell. I’ve never killed a cat before. I just imagine that all of those factors would come into play if I did. Also, I’m not implying that I will in any way abuse my future children. I will just intermittently and subtly exert my power by, for example, not using fabric softener or showing up to their school naked. Just kidding. That’s obviously against the law. I will always use fabric softener.

I’m really just hoping to get through the day tomorrow without any sort of massive breakdown. My weekly diet ends on Friday, and I can eat whatever I want. All I have to do is constantly eat until I pass out and wake up on Sunday. Then I can watch MSNBC’s Lockup until work on Monday morning. There is nothing like gluttony and Lockup. It’s like eating a steak in front of a homeless person. It’s terrible.