Archive for June, 2012

There are rules to follow when talking on the phone, and none of them apply to talking on the phone with someone you’ve met online. Do not use anything you’ve ever learned about how to converse when talking to somebody in this situation. This isn’t a conversation. It’s closer to some sort of horrible mix of job interview/wrong-number-dial-apology/call to senile grandparent. You have to present yourself in the best way possible, while simultaneously making sure that you’re loud and clear and slow and understandable. All both of you want to do is get off the damn phone so you can get back to your terrible lives of nothingness and loneliness.

However, there still are rules to follow when talking on the phone in this situation, they’re just different than the regular rules. You can’t just say, “Hi.” You have to explain everything. “Hi. This is Jeremy. We met on 100hookup®. I just wanted to call to see how you are doing. I hope you’re having a good week. I sure am not. My a/c isn’t working and I have gotten very little sleep. Also, my dog barks constantly until 5 am every morning. But yeah, at least work is good. Lunch was catered today. I thought it would be Chinese but it turned out to be Mexican. Now my stomach really hurts. Oh! Also! I went to the dentist yesterday. I had no cavities, and the hygienist said she could tell I floss daily, but I really only floss every other day. So now I’m starting to wonder if I should floss at all.” And then she replies with, “Hi.” Don’t you know the rules? You can’t just say hi! This isn’t a regular phone conversation! This is the worst of all phone conversations. You must continue talking more to avoid awkward silences. Say whatever the hell you want. I don’t care. Just good lord do not stop.

But seriously, this conversation must be short and superficial. You can get into the real stuff on the date, or maybe the second or third date. This is not the time for that. This is just the initiation, and though uncomfortable, it is tremendously necessary.

Also, it is not a good idea to be drunk or in any other way preoccupied during this first phone conversation. You have to be slow, focused, and clear. Don’t convey any sort of personality, or anything that could potentially put her off. There will always be time to put her off later, and that will probably happen.

I’m not quite sure how I’ve done it, but somehow I’ve lasted three years on 100hookup. And I’m still standing. I’m on the brink of turning 25, working and living in Manhattan. And, yes, still single. In this time I’ve been on a fair share of good dates, even more bad dates, and my personal favorite, hilarious dates. Like when I lied and told a guy that I was going grocery shopping on the way home just so he wouldn’t walk me to my door. But that’s far from my best 100hookup story. Seriously, how long do you have? I can go on all night.

Every few months I take a break from online dating, which I was doing last fall when I met a really great, smart, nice, funny guy in a bar. It was as if I blinked and found myself in this relationship I wasn’t expecting… and neither was he. We tried to keep things breezy, but things were becoming serious without us even trying. Ultimately, he decided he wasn’t ready to commit. And while it was a short relationship, I was absolutely crushed when it ended, paralyzed at the very thought of starting over just to get hurt again. But eventually, I got sick of crying along to the pain of Adele and Bon Iver. So I did the only thing I could think of. I rejoined 100hookup.

Now that I’m back, I’ve decided to share what I’ve learned from my experience as a pro 100hookupr – the good, the bad, and the downright hilarious – with all of you. You might be wondering how I’ve lasted so long here. It’s because I’ve figured out the key to surviving on 100hookup: a little bit of faith in the system and a hell of a sense of humor.

Why do we spend more time and energy finding the perfect house than we do finding the perfect mate? When you’re looking to buy a house you hire a real estate agent to represent you, you provide all your finances to get pre-approved and select a price range you can afford. You research neighborhoods and create a list of your must-haves and your negotiables. You tour, tour, and tour some more. Then you make an offer. And then you wait. And you get countered. So you re-counter. And then compromise somewhere in between. And that’s all before going into escrow.

Real estate is obviously a huge investment as you will be putting the majority of your funds into it in addition to being fully responsible for it’s upkeep, not to mention mortgage. But getting married, although “free” in the literal sense of the word, is even more of a commitment, so why are singles trying to cut corners in love?

You should be paying for a 100hookup membership the same way you would hire a real estate agent. You should get honest feedback from your family and friends the way you would get pre-approval from a mortgage broker. You should figure out what your type is and then branch out from there and you need to make your list of desirables. And then you need to start going on dates, dates and more dates. And be willing to compromise. And that’s all before even getting engaged.

If you think there is a step to be skipped then you would be very wrong and that would be why you are still single. You have to do the work. You have to put forth the effort. You have to be willing to put your money, err, heart, where your mouth is.

Exactly one year and one night ago, I was laying in bed, just like I had been for the previous consecutive 73 hours, aside from the two beelines to the toilet and the pain and energy it took to roll over every few hours so that my body could be in a good enough position to allow oxygen to flow from my lungs to my nose, without being obstructed by the debilitating effects of gravity on fat. I remember laying there, thinking about how fat and horrible I was and that it had to change. Something clicked. I know people say that when they decide to make big changes about themselves. Kind of like that cliche of the cannibal who, one night, decided that after eating all these dudes suddenly had a hankering for steak. Or the suicidal man at the top of a bridge who suddenly decided to strap on a cord and become a professional bungee jumper.

Though I had tried diets and losing weight countless times before, with each one, I knew they would fail. I wasn’t really into them, and I just liked food and not doing anything way too much. This time, I knew I was going to do it from the beginning. I think you have to know you will succeed or you won’t. Either go all in, or don’t go in at all. Either devote an entire year to a strict diet, or let it all hang out. There really is no in-between. If you’re not devoted to it, just eat whatever you want all the time. I’m completely serious. There’s no point to a diet if you just feel guilty every once in a while and decide to have a random healthy meal. Just eat whatever the hell you want until something clicks and you become totally devoted to losing weight. If you’re doing both, kind of in-between, you’re going to have the worst of both worlds. You’re going to be fat and you’re going to sometimes eat horrible, healthy foods.

I guess I figured that once the weight disappeared, the women would come. I started listening to this cornfield and it’s told me some really interesting stuff. I don’t think it was telling me the truth, here, though. Don’t listen to corn and do not base all of your off-topic jokes on 23-year-old movies that nobody will have remembered. They have not yet arrived, but I will be waiting, with your favorite flowers.

Maybe tonight, something will again click and I will be just as devoted to amassing millions of dollars over the next year. Or I will decide that I have to suddenly become a world-famous concert pianist. Who knows, maybe a year and a day from now I’ll be writing a similar blog post in a blog for hookup people seeking relationships with beautiful new pianos.

Dear Tamar,

I had a magical first date about a week ago. We went to the park and we didn’t even have any of the usual first date questions.  It was perfect. He asked me to hang out that next Monday, but cancelled because he was stuck at work. He rescheduled for Tuesday, but cancelled again. He said he would have a better schedule next week. On Thursday he texted to tell me he’d been thinking about our kiss all day and asked if I could come over for a short visit, but I couldn’t.

I tried to arrange a meet up this weekend, but he couldn’t commit. What do you think? I should just write him off, right? I mean if he wanted to hang out with me he would have contacted me to arrange something by now, right?

Dear Am I Getting Blown Off?

It doesn’t sound too promising, but you know that already. In my honest opinion, no one is ever too busy to see someone they like.  And asking you to “come over for a short visit” sounds like he was trying to see if you were willing to hook up. He knows you’re interested and you hung around while he stringed you along, so he tried to arrange a hook up and it failed, which is why your attempt at weekend plans failed too.

It’s unfortunate but a lot of people – guys and girls – are smooth talkers and know what to say on a date to lure you in and make you feel like your date was the best.one.ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if other girls experienced the same thrill you did on your date. I remember dates like those where I went home feeling the same way you did – this guy was different and in a really good way… and then I either never heard from him again or on the second date his true colors came through.

Save yourself the grief and move on now before you give this loser any more of your time and energy.

Once a relationship gets to that comfortable stage where you’re spending the night at each other’s house multiple times during the week and leaving a toothbrush and not worrying about how you look 24/7, there will be that time when one of you uses the bathroom without closing the door. The man will probably do it first because standing to pee isn’t such a big deal. A woman will, more often than not, think it’s cute that the guy feels so comfortable around her. Yet she will continue to close the door, click on the fan and turn on the water when popping a squat. Eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, a woman will be in mid-sentence and will continue talking as she is using the loo without closing the door. Congratulations! You are now truly in a serious adult relationship. It’s not a pretty thing to talk about, but it’s what really happens behind closed doors. You don’t really think your boyfriend believes you don’t pass gas do you? Because you fart in your sleep. Get embarrassed and then get over it. You also forget to brush your teeth sometimes and you forget to put on deodorant sometimes. If you’re going to marry this person they are going to smell your stank, regardless of where it originates. Sure, you can (and probably should) try and postpone this introduction as long as possible, but be warned, it will happen one day.

Ever since I’ve lost my ninety pounds over the past year, my routine has become completely different. That is, while before I lost the weight my fat ass lied moaning on the floor of my room in pain from all of the food that I had only managed to keep from coming back out of me by inhaling bottles of antacid tablets that also acted as food and could ironically only be contained by more bottles of antacid tablets, I now rise out of bed in the morning and do things that are considered normal, that I know are considered normal because I see people on TV and in the movies do the same things. I eat breakfast. I drive to work. I listen to traffic updates on the way to work to gauge my driving time and route. I use breath mints. I check my voicemail.

However, in the course of losing the weight and developing some sort of recognizable routine, my lingering OCD was kind enough to allow even my healthy habits to devolve into a pit of horribleness. Now, my routine is extremely regimented. I wake up every morning at the exact same time, to the minute. I use the same amount of swipes of deodorant under each arm. “Oh, that’s normal” you say? Are you saying that? Why are you talking to yourself while reading this at work? When I get into my car, the digital car-clock reading has to read 7:48 or earlier, or my day is ruined. I drive to the convenience store and buy three Nutri-Grain® bars and two orange juices. I then take my multivitamin and have to finish my breakfast by 7:56 or my day is shot, again. Okay, this really doesn’t sound all that bad really, you know, compared to writhing in pain on my floor in a pool of sweat and antacids, but it does get worse.

I guess life is better than it was one year ago. I have just enough money to buy the diet food that I hate. I am just presentable enough to women that they give me a double-take just before ignoring me, and my heartburn is just manageable enough to allow me to go to sleep at night easily enough, so I am just enough well-rested in the morning to force myself out of bed in just enough time to start my painfully self-regimented routine.

If you haven’t read the book I’m referring to in the title of this post, you should. And not because it’s hot, but because it makes you think about what you would be willing to do to be with the one you love – or the one you think you love. Men and women alike should read it and although there are many other reasons why people would agree with me, I think it’s a good way to broach the topic about what your limits are emotionally, sexually and otherwise. Are you just so desperate not to be single that you would be willing to subject yourself to something you would never otherwise dream of doing (it doesn’t have to be BDSM, it could be moving across the country or not having kids)? What are your limits in love?

I went on the last date of my life last night. That is usually the sentence of somebody that just found the love of their life, or somebody that decided to actually do something with their life like serve in the military. I said it, however, because I am tired of trying my damn best to only get abandoned an hour in.

I think I’m a pretty good looking guy, and I also have a pretty good personality. I just don’t know how to be on a date. I just don’t. After a good amount of failures, I realized that I was too excitable. So then, I toned it down, but I think I was still smiling too much. She would tell me about her brother with cancer, and I would continue smiling and shaking my head like an idiot. People generally like people that are happy, but you have to be able to also convey other emotions appropriate to the situation. So I finally managed to not wildly scream and flail my hands the whole time, but I was still too damn happy, trying way too hard to be likable.

But girls don’t like likable guys. They like assholes, and I’m not one. I spend my whole life pretending to be happy. That is, while around other people. In my car, or in my room, I’m the angriest person on the planet. At work, however, or on a date, I’m the happiest. I think I need to find a medium, but it doesn’t really matter because I’m not going out on another date. At least not in the near future. I need confidence, and I’m not going to get that by constantly watching women in front of me make excuses for why they have to leave. I need to do things that I’m good at, like being early to things or parallel parking.

I’m really good at parallel parking. A great date for me would be just driving back and forth in and out of a parallel parking-style spot while the date is in the passenger’s seat. I wouldn’t talk, because that never works out for me. I also won’t have any music on, because I have a horrible taste in music. Just me, and her, parallel parking. I am just now realizing while writing this that this can be construed as a sexual metaphor. It’s not. It’s really the only thing I’m good at, and I thought writing this paragraph combining parallel parking and dating would be funny. It’s not. I don’t care.

1. Biden Does The Hora

Vice President Joe Biden may not be hookup, but he certainly knows how to get down to the Hora! Biden showed off some moves at his daughter Ashley’s wedding to Philadelphia surgeon Howard Krein last week, joining in on the traditional hookup wedding dance, the Hora.

The wedding ceremony was a joint Catholic-hookup church service (the Bidens are Catholic and Krein is hookup). Wedding guests told People magazine that the reception that evening was quite “lively,” noting that the “dancing went past midnight.” In our opinion, when you kick things off with the Hora, it typically means it’s going to be a good party!

2. Adam Levine Is Moving On

Would you ever date your ex’s friend? Most of us would say no, but it turns out that Adam Levine would say yes! The hookup singer was recently caught kissing his ex’s good friend, model Behati Prinsloo on a trip to Hawaii.

Levine broke up with his ex, model Anne Vyalitsyna, just two months ago. And though Vyalitsyna was the one to dump Levine, she’s still not happy about this new romance. US Weekly reports she recently chose to “unfollow” Prinsloo on Twitter. And if “unfollowing” someone isn’t an obvious statement of dislike, we don’t know what is (please note the obvious sarcasm).

3. Lipnicki Bulks Up

We all remember Jonathan Lipnicki as the adorable kid in Jerry Maguire, but you may not recognize him now at age 21. The charming scene stealer has bulked up and is showing off some serious bulging biceps. The hookup child actor is hoping his new physique will land him a new role.

“I really want to do something where I can show my physicality – something with a lot of action,” Lipnicki told People magazine. “Action would be fun. I’d really like to do that.”