Archive for June, 2012

I’ve been on a lot of first dates. I’m not sure the number will phase many of you – over 35 – but that’s in just 3 years with a few mini-relationships here and there. And the sad thing is, after a while, all these dates start to blur together. Sometimes I can’t tell apart the JP Morgans from the Morgan Stanleys. The Adams from the Davids. The Murray Hill boys from the Upper East Siders. Everyone loves their family, football, movies, and a good Sunday brunch. They frequent bars on the Lower East Side and watch The Office and Parks and Rec. And beer. All guys love their beer.

To be fair, I’m sure guys who date a lot would say the same about the female dating pool. I bet we all have similar names, work in media, marketing, or fashion, and live in Murray Hill or the East Village. And wait, don’t tell me. We all like sushi. Right?

This my friends, is what I call Groundhog’s Date. It’s just like the movie, except no guy is ever as funny as Bill Murray, and instead of “I’ve Got You Babe” all I have in my head is “Call Me Maybe.” 75% of the time the first date goes something like this. We meet at a bar at agreed time/date. The conversation starts off with the basics: our jobs, where we live, where we are from. I order a vodka soda with lime. We share our stories about how we landed in NYC. We order a second round of drinks. Discuss the fun topics like movies/TV, vacation plans, hobbies, yada, yada, yada. Then the check comes. I offer to pay my share, but he politely declines. We say goodnight and part ways…

Guy after guy, date after date, it all ends up becoming a hazy memory. When I go on a sequence of first dates it’s like I’m operating in autopilot, knowing exactly what to expect, what to say, which outfit to wear. But every once in awhile, I’ll find myself on a date halfway through my first drink and I suddenly realize I’m waking up. Maybe I’m laughing, smiling, flipping my hair. And hell, I might even be having fun. And maybe, at least for a little while, it feels like I’m not stuck in Groundhog’s Day.

This 4th of July you have an opportunity to use the celebration of our country’s independence to help your love life. Every city has some sort of fireworks display, so find out when and where your fireworks are and ask your latest prospect on a date – it doesn’t matter if you’ve never met this 100hookup and it’s your first date or if you’ve just had The Talk and it’s your fifteenth date, this is a holiday that is celebrated in a way that is perfect for couples. Forget the frat house partying of your early 20s and make a memory that you actually want to remember. Pack a picnic, plan a bonfire, join a friend’s BBQ or just take a walk… and when the fireworks start bursting grab your date and start cuddling. Fireworks are romantic and I can guarantee you will get a kiss at the end.

I used to think that being too nervous on a date was bad. She’s obviously going to pick up on the fact that you’re sweating so profusely from your forehead that you haven’t been able to open your eyes for the past 30 minutes, and that is probably why when reaching for the fork you accidentally picked up her left hand, and have been using it to shovel your food into your fat face and have been wondering for the past five minutes why the restaurant hadn’t been able to wash the blood from its previously-used fork. Being nervous sucks, but I’m now learning that being too relaxed can be just as bad.

When you’re nervous, you’re very deliberate with everything you say. You are always making sure that you’re not saying anything that can be taken the wrong way. Though starting a story with, “So I was drunk and ran across my school naked and was only woken up the next day by a stray dog curiously sniffing my genitalia” is always great when talking to a friend, when on a date you have to modify it slightly by saying, “So I was on my third bottle of water whilst strolling across campus when I found a starving dog and nursed it back to health using my expertise in canine nutrition I learned while serving in the Peace Corps in Myanmar.” Once you go on enough dates and have been rejected enough times that you no longer fear rejection, you start to loosen up a bit. This can be equally harmful. When relaxed, you’re not censoring things that you say or do, and you end up getting in trouble.

When nervous, you would never tell a date about things you would be too embarrassed to tell your best friend. When relaxed, you would tell her almost anything. Remember, that story about how you drove to Mexico with friends in college and did unspeakable things is not acceptable to tell anybody, even the friends that you went on the trip with? Actually, when we drove to Mexico, we went to lunch at Jack in the Box and then went home, but I don’t have any stories crazy enough to use as an example here. You also should never tell her anything that’s ever on your mind. You have a dirty, dirty mind, and you need to keep all of your thoughts to yourself. Pretend that you have regular thoughts, and tell her about those. You have fake opinions about the capital gains tax, and she needs to know them!

So now you know the rules: don’t be nervous and don’t be relaxed. Actually, don’t even be there. Stay at home. Rejection is a terrible feeling.

I don’t like Jack Johnson. Wait, that’s putting it lightly. I hate Jack Johnson (except for maybe two songs, but I hate those most of the time too). Personally, I think his music is so lame and lacks real grit. It’s hippy dippy. Melodic to the point of boredom. And really, what’s with him not wearing shoes? He’s a grown man. Contrary to popular belief, “No shirt, no shoes, no problem,” is not the rule of thumb outside of beach resorts and Senor Frogs.

I know I sound very content in my disdain for Jack. But trust me, I’m not. My hate waivers the second I start falling for a guy. Seriously, why does every guy I date love Jack? Every time I pitch my argument against Jack to a new guy, I am met with this response, “Who hates Jack Johnson?” Good question, I ponder. And before you know it, he has Jack streaming from his iPod while we hang out and I’m humming that God-awful song, “Banana Pancakes.” Instantly, my loathing vanishes into a warm tingly feeling, and I am transfixed by the acoustic melodies of my boy Jack. And then he serenades me singing, “Maybe we can sleep in. I’ll make you banana pancakes. Pretend like it’s the weekend now.” That’s it. I’m a goner. Did I mention I don’t even eat banana pancakes?

Fast forward to the end of the relationship. Jack suddenly pops up on my iPhone (because I, of course, added him back onto my playlist at this point) and I find myself riding the subway and tearing up to “Sitting, Wishing, Waiting.” And if you can believe it, I hate Jack even more than I did to begin with.

Jack, if you’re listening, it’s really not your fault (even though your music sucks). It’s the fact that love has this way of making little things we usually don’t like – or, in this case, hate – seem absolutely wonderful. In my last relationship, I ate new foods, rooted for football teams I had no previous association with, and even liked his cat when I’m a total dog person. And not to mention, I gave into Sir Jack. I have to ask, why must all 20-something guys in NYC love Jack? And can someone please tell me, why do I keep falling for them?

Summer means watching a lot of silly TV shows. Back in the day, summer meant reruns and TV specials. Now, networks are creating new TV shows – namely, reality shows – for our viewing pleasure. So for research purposes only (smirk) I’ve been watching The Choice and Take Me Out. One is a play on The Voice with 4 single, male celebrities with their backs to the stage where women come out and introduce themselves with a shpiel. The men have a minute to decide if they want to turn around and possibly make her one of their prospects. One minute. On Take Me Out, 30 women get to check out a man and over the course of 3 rounds they get to know him and decide if they want to keep their light on or not and give the man the opportunity to choose from who is left at the end. These 2 shows got me thinking about the time you have on 100hookup to make your first impression. So you have one minute to make an impression and you have one minute to make a decision. As ridiculous as these shows are, the gist of it is pretty realistic. Impressions and decisions are made that quickly. If you were a woman on The Choice, what would you say to get a man’s attention in the most positive way? If you were a man on Take Me Out, what would you say on your video montage to get the woman to keep their lights on? You want to get their attention but you don’t want to give off the impression that you’re only looking for sex or money or kids, etc. So what would you say? Take that concept and apply it to your 100hookup profile. Your About Me is your opportunity. Take it seriously and think really hard about how you want to come across to attract your intended.

I’m starting to realize that my posts have been really depressing lately, and that some people may actually be coming upon them accidentally when googling my name in search of the other two people I know of in the world with the same name. I’m going to write some positive things about myself.

First, the cute girl at the gym no longer shows up. This would seem like a bad thing. However, this is great. The gym is the point in the day when I’m at my absolute worst. I wear old clothes. I’m sweaty, tired, hungry, and angry. I often scream while lifting weights, walking around, or even drinking water. I just hate being there. I pretty much scream the entire time I’m there. I don’t want people to see me at all, and if they do, I damn sure don’t want them to be attractive women. I want them to be old, hairy men. I’m so comfortable around old, hairy men. Partly because I know it’s what I will one day become, and partly because they don’t make me self-conscious and constantly make me smell my armpits, trying to convince myself that I washed my gym clothes the night before, when I know the last time they were washed was in 2011 when I had a washing machine and not a 70-gallon litter box.

Second, I figured out a way to groom my head-hair so that it’s not so obvious that it’s going away. For a while, I had to shave the area on my forehead where my hair was receding, in order to make the line straight. However, in doing so, the area that I shaved off was always shinier than the rest of my forehead. I have decided that if I let my hair grow a little bit longer, it can cover some of my shiny head. This may not seem like a a big thing but 1) It’s good for my self-confidence and 2) I couldn’t think of anything else going for me, and I was only on my second thing. My hair is at such a good length right now. If I hadn’t retired from dating a few weeks ago, I would have gotten married like three times by now.

Third, I’ve started wearing a nice shirt and tie every few days. This also does wonders for my self-esteem. Sitting at work in a Polo shirt is okay, but when I’m in a tie, everything is so much better. Anytime I start to feel sad or unsure about anything, I look down at my tie and realize how great I really am. When on the phone with a customer, it’s always like they know I’m in a tie. They say things like, “You sound really smart. Are you wearing a tie?” I answer, “Yes, I am. Now you understand how smart I am.” You see, smart people wear ties. Mark Twain regularly wore a bowtie. Albert Einstein wore a tie. Aristotle may have worn a tie when he wasn’t butt ass naked in a robe. I think self-confidence has a lot to do with intelligence. How many epiphanies have you had in a tank top and sandals?

Hopefully by next week, I’ll actually have something tangibly good going on in my life. Until then, I’ll have to keep looking for the little things. Marry me?

1. Lights Out for Drake’s Hot Spot

The now infamous nightclub where rapper Drake, whose mother is hookup, and singer Chris Brown’s entourages got into a bottle-throwing brawl was shut down by police on Saturday. The club W.i.P was closed Saturday night because of code violations according to the New York City Police Department. The NYPD gave no details on the violations.

Chris Brown, his girlfriend and his bodyguard were among eight injured during the fight inside the club last week. Police say members of Drake’s entourage stopped Brown as he was leaving. The fight escalated and bottles were thrown. Drake was reportedly on his way out when the fight began and did not injure anyone.

2. Bravo Says, “Thanks, But No Thanks” to Jill Zarin

After a big casting shake-up this season on The Real Housewives of New York City, Jill Zarin seems to think Bravo needs her back. The former Housewife (who is hookup and published the book, Secrets of a hookup Mother) was fired after the fourth season along with Alex McCord and Kelly Bensimon. She has since publicly criticized the newly rebooted series and recently told the New York Daily News, “You don’t change what works.”

It looks like the network won’t be asking Zarin back however. A Bravo rep recently told People magazine, “We wish Jill the best, but there is no consideration of her returning to the series.”

3. Scott Wolf is Adding to the Pack

Scott Wolf is feeling blue, and he’s oh-so-happy about it! The former Party of Five actor and his wife Kelley are expecting their second child this fall and (after an impromptu ultrasound) it looks like the happy couple are going to have another boy!

“We had taken an ultrasound that was too early to be conclusive. So a friend of [Kelley’s] was like, ‘You know, you can go to the mall…,’” Wolf, 44, shared during an appearance on The Talk on CBS last week. “I was like, ‘The mall?’ But we went so we have a semi-conclusive test that … we’re having another boy!”

Wolf, who is hookup, says he and his wife will have another ultrasound performed at their doctor’s office next week to be sure.

These past few weeks have been shmorgasboard of Mazal Tov’s and they are simchas that are so inspiring that they are worth sharing with the public (anonymously, of course). I’m sharing these stories to give you hope that you can find love too, no matter what your baggage/background/etc.

One girl I know was engaged 3 years ago when her fiance walked out. It was shocking and devastating. But since then, she changed her life and found her new happy and her new body. She lost weight and found a new man – she just got married and wore so many gorgeous dresses throughout the many festivities showing off her new waistline, she was beaming with happiness. This is the guy she was meant to be with and she would never had found him had that jerk not left her.

Another girl has been dating and dating and dating. She is a spitfire! An awesome gal who is active and fun and sweet and smart. A few years ago she moved and started a new life in a new city where she could meet new people. It was the best thing she could have done for herself. She wasn’t running away from life, but running towards something. She is approaching 40 and I just didn’t know if she was ever going to settle down, if anyone was ever going to be good enough for her and meet her expectations. Over the weekend, her boyfriend took her away to a tropical destination and proposed!

Another friend, in her early 40s, decided to stop waiting to meet the right guy and to have a baby on her own. At this point, she hasn’t become Jennifer Lopez in The Back-Up Plan – meeting her love just after being inseminated – but she is perfectly content and satisfied in her life, right now, with her baby. She wanted to get married and have kids and she could only have control over one part of that equation so she became a Mommy. I have no doubt she will meet someone in the next few years and add wife to her timeline.

These are just a few examples… with the point being that you can find love. It WILL happen.

Rule #1 of dating in NYC: Do not take your date to the Village Pourhouse. Do not even give her/him the option of the Village Pourhouse. Don’t even mention that you go to the Village Pourhouse or similar establishments.

This isn’t a difficult thing to avoid. While the Village Pourhouse is best known for a good time (if you can remember it), cheap beers, beer pong, and a young crowd, it’s not known for being a place of romance. That is, unless your idea of romance is making out in a dark corner with a stranger only to ask, “Are you on Facebook?” Now, I’ve never been asked to go to the Village Pourhouse on a first date, or any date for that matter. But my BFF recently went out with a guy whose first option was the Village Pourhouse. She convinced him to go elsewhere, and needless to say, the date sucked before it even began.

I appreciate when guys take into account convenience, noise level, seating (ie. not side-by-side, really that’s just awkward), and menu. You can’t go wrong with a wine or cocktail bar – lots of options and usually a nice, low-key ambiance. I also find it appealing to not have to fear for my life on my way to a date. One guy failed to mention that the bar he picked directly overlooks the East River. This meant I would have to walk across the FDR highway, behind abandoned buildings, decorated with graffiti and broken bottles on the ground. As I walked there, I whispered to myself, “I am not going to die. I am not going to die.” And trust me, if I did die, they would have never found my body.

Honestly, there are so many options in big cities like NYC. And if you can’t think of a place, ask a friend for suggestions. Give your date options so you’re both comfortable. And whatever you do, I beg you: do not make your date fear for their life or even think about the Village Pourhouse. Ever.

Temperature can mean a lot of things in a relationship but whichever definition you use, you want your mate’s temperature to complement yours. Whenever I’m freezing, my husband luckily isn’t and he can lend me his jacket. My hubby and I both kick our feet out from under the sheets while we sleep. And when I’m feeling down he peps me up. But when you’re dating and you’re still looking for that person you will find that you won’t always balance out.

Then there’s the messages you’re receiving – one day your date is interested and the next your date is nowhere to be found. When you speak, your date is present and involved but your texts are never returned. One day your relationship is hot n heavy and the next day your relationship is as cold as a dead fish. This is not a healthy relationship. And if you can recognize this early on then you should move on because you deserve to be desired on a consistent basis. Chemistry is not always physical and sexual, but is also a meshing of two personalities and lives.