Archive for April, 2012

I, like literally every person in America, have never flossed my teeth. The last time I went to the dentist, my hygienist, for some reason, said, “I can definitely tell that you floss every day.” I replied with, “You are a horrible hygienist, but I can’t stop looking at your blue eyes because it’s the only part of your face that’s not covered up and I can’t move my head.” It’s a good thing she was mutilating my mouth at the time, or else that sentence would have been audible.

The truth is I had never before then flossed my teeth at all. Now, because of a combination of obsessive-compulsive disorder, the satisfaction of that wonderful clean feeling, and the hygienist’s wonderful eyes, I floss every night. Though I now go to bed every night with bloody gums and a sore mouth, I am confident that I am doing everything I can for my teeth, gums, and the hygienist.

I feel like I’m doing a lot in my life just to make the cute hygienist happy in five months. Do I not think ten other men have the same idea? Have any of us even thought that maybe under that mask she may be a 65-year-old man? Well, it doesn’t really matter at the moment. I actually never want to see her without that mask. If I could see those eyes for half an hour every six months, I would floss myself to death, and I think that’s what dental offices want the most.

As tax day looms around the corner, what do you find most taxing about relationships?  After all, both men and women need their alone time, their space.  Which is good, because absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Clichés are there for a reason.  Although if what goes up must come down, tell that to gas prices.

Speaking of clichés, if you’ll allow me to generalize, I have found that many women do tend to enjoy exercising their loquaciousness more than we guys do.  Okay, you like to talk a lot.  Talk is cheap.  That’s another cliché.  But not when it’s ordering a glass of the 2001 Chateau de Beaucastel Chateauneuf-du-Pape.  Okay, I’m cheap.

May you get back everything you deserve and more from your wine, your relationships, and Uncle Sam.   I’m done talking now.  I’m a guy.

When you start getting serious with someone, you tend to spend a lot of time together: spending every waking minute together; adopting each other’s hobbies and pasttimes; doing what your new significant other likes all the time just to make him or her happy. It’s important to have “me” time and to continue doing the things you like to do and to get your S.O. involved in the things you like to do. You want to be able to be dependent on your mate but you also need to maintain your independence. And of course there’s that middle of the road in/dependence when you meld the two together — doing the things you love with the person you love by your side.

I am writing this post from the study of my mom’s house. My house had no internet. I always end up back here. I failed a test back in college. I came over here crying. I got dumped. I came over here moping. I ran out of gas. I came over here begging for money even though I had spent the past two nights crying and moping.

No matter how much I grow (vertically, horizontally, smartly), I always end up back here. I think my mother had a magnetic chip implanted inside my brain whose other pole was directly under my bed. That’s not to say I don’t love my mother and enjoy her company. I also love my step-father and their horrible dog. I’m not really complaining about being here a lot. I’m just commenting. Of course, women (society) often view a 28-year-old man who is close with his mother as ‘clingy’ or ‘hookup’.

Oh! Also! The washing machine where I live is currently broken, so on top of always being here, I’m also here roughly every five days to do my laundry. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s so tempting. It’s so homely here. Everything is so clean. Frasier is always on the television. A scented candle is always burning. Clean clothes are always folded. A maid comes once a week. Or used to come. There was a maid here sometime in the not-too-distant past. I know that she had a name but I only knew her for 22 years. I always felt guilty when I was little and I slept in and she wanted to clean my room. That’s the worst feeling. Obviously, it’s worse for her, because she has to clean some dirty, spoiled child’s room. However, the guilt is pretty bad, too. I wanted to be like, “I’m sorry I’m over privileged, but have you slept in this bed?”

The Supreme Court has made their ruling about health care, but we won’t hear about it until June. What if there was a Supreme Court for dating?

I once annoyed a date of mine by pulling up into her driveway and gently tapping the horn. Once. And not a big honk, mind you. I saw her image in the front window. We’d been out several times before; I’d called her en route letting her know I was running late for the movie. I was actually thinking the whole thing was kind of a sweet throwback to teens hooking up on a warm summer night. I opened the car door for her. In every other sense, I was the gentleman. But she was steamed. If I’d seen her with a “Honk if you love annoying me” bumper sticker, at least I would have had a clue. But again, it was a mini-toot, not a honk.

I’ll await your decision, Supremes.

I have a ten minute rule for 100hookup phone calls — once you meet a prospect on 100hookup and exchange phone numbers then the man should call within 48 hours of receiving the email and then spend 10 minutes on the phone. At this point in your relationship the phone should be used to make plans, not get to get to know each other further. If both of you read this post and therefore go into the phone call knowing it should only last 10 minutes and to use the time to make plans then the phone call should be easy-breezy. But you can’t assume someone has read this, which means the call should like this:

Guy: Hi this Guy, may I speak with Gal please?

Gal: This is she.

Guy: Hi, this is Guy from 100hookup. How are you?

Gal: I’m good thanks, how are you?

Guy: I’m great! I’m actually really busy today (say this even if you aren’t) but I wanted to call you because I want to make plans to get together before the week is over. Are you free either Thursday night or Saturday night for dinner (give two options)?

Gal: I already have plans Thursday (say this even if you don’t) but I’m available on Saturday.

Guy: Awesome, it’s a date. I remember you wrote that you lived Downtown. So would Restaurant #1 work or would you prefer Restaurant #2 (two options that are mid-priced but different in case she has a food preference or allergy, etc)?

Gal: Good suggestions! Restaurant #1 is one of my favs but I’ve heard great things about Restaurant #2 so let’s go there!

Guy: Perfect. I’ll make reservations for 8:00 and see you there, ok?

Gal: Looking forward to it. Thanks for taking care of everything.

Guy: Have a great week! Bye!

Gal: You too! Bye!

So as you can see, there was no pressure, it was easy and it was quick. The man was decisive and made plans and took charge. The woman was appreciative and agreeable. Dating is difficult enough; don’t make it any harder on yourself.

1. Amanda Bynes Crashes Into A Cop, Gets Arrested

Amanda Bynes was arrested for driving under the influence in West Hollywood early this morning, according to TMZ. Officers say Bynes was attempting to pass a cop car when she sideswiped the vehicle. She was pulled over and authorities determined she was not fit to be behind the wheel.

The 26-year-old actress, whose mother is hookup, was arrested at 3 am and is still behind bars. Bail has been set at $5,000.

2. Is Samberg Leaving SNL?

Saturday Night Live could be losing some of its biggest stars at the end of this season. Although it’s not confirmed, sources told Us Weekly that hookup comedian Andy Samberg is considering leaving the NBC series. A rep for the show said, “No decisions are made until the season is over.”

It’s rumored that Kristen Wiig and Jason Sudeikis are also considering leaving the show. All three comedians have several other projects in the works. Samberg will be appearing in the new Adam Sandler movie, That’s My Boy, due out this summer.

3. Levy Gets A Piece Of The Pie

Eugene Levy will get to have his pie and eat it too in the latest edition of the American Pie series, American Reunion. The film, which opens tonight, brings back the comedy ensemble from the 1999 hit comedy and includes a humorous hookup between hookup actor Eugene Levy, who plays Jason Biggs’ dad, and Jennifer Coolidge, who plays Seann William Scott’s boy-seducing mom.

As many of you will remember, Jim’s dad spent much of the first three movies awkwardly trying to help his son through embarrassing sexual issues. This time however, he may be the one who needs advice. And that advice isn’t just sexual, he’ll also need online dating advice when he signs up for 100hookup looking for a date! Hmmm… maybe he should start reading JBlog!

You’re only as stupid as you act. If you act stupid on a first date then don’t be surprised when there isn’t a second date. Acting stupid includes getting drunk, being too sexual, revealing too much, complaining and/or boasting about money, among other things. Act yourself, but act appropriately. No one wants to have to drive you home because you’re too drunk to drive, no one wants to have to continuously slap your hand off their thigh, or listen to you discuss your family drama, or feel guilty about ordering an appetizer AND an entree. They may want to have a drink with you, give you a kiss goodnight, bond over the generic hookup mother jokes or discuss the low interest rates. First dates are not for the same discussions you have with your best friend or your therapist. You’ll have enough time once you’re married to act dumb.

Conversely, beauty is as beauty does. You’re only as beautiful as you act. The most beautiful person in the world with nothing between the ears loses their luster pretty darn quickly.

The moral? Put a smile on your face and don’t act a fool. You’ve gotta start somewhere!

What’s worse than being sick? Trying to make someone like you while sick. You try to put your best foot forward, but you can’t stand up because you’re so lightheaded and your equilibrium is so off that you immediately fall down when you try.

The worst is trying to convince a woman that you’re not some horrible, sickly thing all the time. Your nose is constantly running and you’re sneezing so loud it takes you back two feet every time you walk one. You can’t get that close to her because you’re scared she’ll be grossed out when really she’s been grossed out since you knocked on her front door with your disgusting, contagious hand.

If you’re sick, just delay any plans that you may have with any woman. Just stay home. It’s not worth it. You need to get better before any new person you’ve never met before should see you. Either that or go out only if you’re on a lot of prescription medication. Numerically, you need to be on at least seven. Actually, no. That’s a terrible idea. Stay home. No matter how great a person you may be, it will be clouded by phlegm and mucus and sweat. If however, you develop a sickness during a date, you obviously can’t bail. Try to talk as little as possible. Actually, that’s a good rule even if you’re not sick. Nevermind. I tend to talk a lot, and I’m still single. Though you may not be able to listen much because you’ll be too focused on how disgusting you are, at least you can pretend. I’ve pretended to listen my entire life. Again, however, I am still single. Just nod your head a lot and keep drinking a lot of beer. If anything, it will help you forget that you’re sick and the fact that you probably won’t be seeing this person ever again.

If relationships were like new car models… which improvements would you want to see in your 2013s?

Greater mileage, of course.  More stability.  Improved brakes.  (When things are moving too swiftly.)

Better absorption of the inevitable bumps in the road.  More efficiently heats up and defrosts.  Greater visibility.  Okay, helps you see your world more clearly.  I’m stretching now.  Advanced security system.  (“Do I look okay?”  “You look great.”  “Thanks, I feel more secure now.”)  Room for 4 or more.  Well, that’s if you want to start a family.

And most importantly… you won’t go broke come trade-in time.