Archive for March, 2012

How important is it to look nice on a date? Obviously, you don’t want to wear a tuxedo when going out for drinks, or really ever. Of course, you also don’t want to wear a white T-shirt and running shorts, either. If you combine the two, it’s even worse, and doesn’t make for a funny scenario in blog-form. You want to look nice without looking too nice, because extremes are not good. Girls aren’t looking for extremes. They’re looking for somebody who can straddle the two without actually committing to anything. If you look too nice, you’re a douchebag. If you look too sloppy, you’re a loser.

This is why I have exactly one set of clothes that I wear out to every social situation. It is perfectly conceived, and there is no reason to change it. Starting at the bottom of my attire, my shoes are basically Asics® knockoffs. While topsiders are too nice and stupid looking, and Chuck Taylors® are too cheap-looking, this is a nice balance between the two. Under my shoes are long gray socks. White socks stand out too much and no socks look stupid and are uncomfortable and unhygienic. Further up my beautiful body lie khaki pants. They’re slim-cut to show that I care about my body, yet not too skinny to show that that’s not all I care about. Above the pants is my shirt, over a plain white undershirt. It is a Medium-sized yellow and brown striped Polo®. It’s a Polo, so it’s nice, yet it’s yellow and brown, so it’s not really that pleasant looking. I got this down. Above my shirt is my face. It’s shaved, but shaved yesterday. There’s a little shadow on it because, hey, I’m not some douche that shaves before important events.

So far, the odds have not yet been in my favor. However, the clothes are currently in the washing machine, so there’s no going back.

As they say, ’tis the season when a young man’s fancy turns to love. ‘Tis also the season it turns to fertilizer, so there’s kind of a nice yin & yang there! One season that seemingly ended last month was awards season, but I’m about to bring it back, re: my previous post postulating about how our past girlfriends might shed light on the qualities we’re seeking in future ones. Welcome to the first annual Girlfriend Awards!

Tell me this wouldn’t hold your attention: Roll the first clip of one of your exes circa the time you two were an item. Cue the music from one of the songs that played circa the time you two were an item. And out walks that ex present day to announce the first award! Not some overexposed present-day pseudo-celebrity, but like Debra Winger or Joni Mitchell, a rare appearance by someone who once impacted you and was a regular part of your life. Well, at least you fellow ageless boomers out there.

“For best listening skills, the nominees are…”

Presenters could list themselves among the nominees, if they merited inclusion. The four or five-shot of your nervous ex-girlfriend nominees waiting to listen for their names to be called would be a final crucial test of those listening skills. And the losers happily applauding the winner would reacquaint you with who most effectively faked joy during your times together!

Happy spring. May your relationships grow along with your marigolds.

Whenever I check my Facebook News Feed I usually see at least one “Facebook Friend” who has divulged way too much information, typed way inappropriate items and put themselves in an awkward situation. There are the women who announce their pregnancies when they’re only 4 weeks along and the men who badmouth their bosses thinking it will never get back to them. But it’s the singles who overly detail their dates I find the most appalling. I’ve read about more than enough first dates where the person reveals what they did, how they feel and where they think the relationship is going — to their entire world! I’ve seen some people disclose their terrible dates, even going so far as to regale their network with embarrassing accounts of their rejection after sex. I’ve read people telling their world they are ugly, feel ugly, were told they are ugly. I’ve read people tell the world how insecure they are, how they will never be loved and how long it’s been since they’ve had sex. It makes me wish Facebook was never invented sometimes because people forget to filter themselves. Less is more. I don’t need to know where you’re eating, who you’re sleeping with or why you’re still awake in the middle of the night. Keep some things to yourself. The last thing you want is to add your new prospect and have them cyberstalk you and read things that turn them off before they’ve gotten to know you.

I am a simple creature. As long as I have food, a place to sleep, and a good glass of ice to chew on, I can last longer than most people can last before finally murdering their cat. Without a job, I could successfully stay within the same four square foot space for an entire winter. I realize that Houston winters are extremely short, but they are long enough for most people to become very miserable confined to a four square foot space.

I think that this is why, though I have a job and am no longer fat, I am just fine living with my dad and step-sister. Of course it’s not fun telling women that you live with your dad. However, if I was to move out, it would just be too much work. All of the putting things into boxes. And then putting those boxes into a car. And then driving to the new place. And then moving the boxes into the new place. If you don’t want to do that, you can choose to hire movers. This is even worse, because, as a sheltered little hookup boy, I just feel guilty the whole time that they have to do manual labor carrying all my shit.

I hate change. That’s why I didn’t vote for Obama, even though I’m a Democrat. I don’t think it’s a lack of motivation. I’m motivated enough. I go to the gym everyday. I use my turn signal. I’m just right at the point where I’m content enough with my life that I don’t really want anything else. I never really liked things, either. I’m okay with a crappy cell phone and a car that is capable of just getting me there. I want to settle. If you’re a woman, I will totally be okay with that. I will love you. Just be a woman. Come on.

Imagine throwing a party for all the folks you’ve ever dated. Or a dating site that featured all your ex-girlfriends. What might you learn about yourself from the choices you’ve made over the years, and these former Ms. Rights who knew you all too well?

Imagine the party chit-chat and bonding among your guests: “Did he always do [fill in annoying habit here]?” “Yes! What about [fill in other annoying habit here]?” “Yes!”

Or for you “Jays” out there, imagine yourself combing through your exes on “Jay Date”. In each of their profiles under “Looking For”: “The anti-Jay.” Just kidding! Familiarity doesn’t always breed contempt.

Which begs the question: Are you better off looking for the same type, or since they didn’t go the ultimate distance, are you better off, a la a Seinfeld episode I once wrote, doing “the opposite?” No, not looking for guys, “not that there’s anything wrong with that”, a la another famous Seinfeld episode.

Next post, an awards show more exciting than the Oscars® – when they used to be exciting, that is!

Hi Tamar:

I am Israeli, recently divorced (from an Israeli) and very interested in meeting another Israeli woman. What’s the best way you know for achieving that?

Many thanks!

Dear Eager for an Israeli,

I would start with using the keyword search feature on 100hookup. Type in “Israeli” and see who appears. Make sure you Flirt, Hot List and Message the women who fit your preferences (aside from being Israeli). Since you are looking for something so specific then I would recommend expanding your location boundaries and age range as well. I would also highly recommend getting involved in your local Israeli community as well as the hookup community at large because you never know where you may find your Beshert.

1. Jonah Hill Jumps For A Laugh

Jonah Hill’s new movie, 21 Jump Street, is pulling in good reviews. The hookup actor posted on his Twitter feed on Friday, “#21JumpStreet is 87% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes! It’s out in theaters RIGHT NOW! Go see it!”

21 Jump Street is a comedy based on the 1980’s drama of the same name starring Johnny Depp. The new movie hits theaters today and stars Jonah Hill alongside Channing Tatum as two young underachieving cops who are sent to a local high school in order to blend in and bring down a synthetic drug ring.

2. Out Of Luck

Dustin Hoffman’s television debut has been canceled. The hookup actor starred in HBO’s new show, Luck, up until this week when it was canceled following an incident resulting in a horse dying on set. The show was already under investigation after two horses died on set last year.

PETA Tweeted on Thursday, “After 3 horses died on set, @HBO has announced that it is canceling Luck & ceasing all production on the series.”  Hoffman, the star of the show, has starred in dozens of movies, but Luck was his first television series.

3. Celebs Stand Against Kony 

From Josh Charles to Simon Helberg, several hookup celebrities have been flocking to Twitter to voice their urgent opposition to Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army, one of central Africa’s most violent rebel groups.

Josh Charles, the hookup actor currently starring in The Good Wife, Tweeted, “You must watch this and get involved: https://bit.ly/xWfLJS #stopkony#april20th2012.”

Simon Helberg, the hookup actor who stars in The Big Bang Theory, Tweeted, “Just watch the first few minutes and you will be swept up. I don’t ever say this but – please RT. https://bit.ly/xnOfBJ #stopkony.”

People are really trusting when it comes to dating. Think about it. Convicts could do so much under the pretense of a “date”. “Hi there, woman I’ve never met. Mind if I come to where you live, at night, pick you up, and then take you to wherever the hell I want? Be ready at exactly 6:30. Oh, also, be sure you look really nice. It would also be courteous if nobody else was home when I come to your house, you know, so it won’t be awkward or anything. Oh, what? No, it’s okay, because it’s a date.”

While I love taking women out to dinner and such, I always feel a little weird when she agrees to let me come pick her up. Really? Don’t you want some sort of insurance that I’m not insane? Maybe you can go visit my parents or something first. They’re like me, but older, and divorced.

I suppose any excitement in life comes with some sort of inherent risk. This risk seems kind of high compared to the reward, though. Only a fraction of first dates leads to something more. However, during the date, you are risking a lot: your safety, your nerves, your Saturday night. More importantly, though, your safety. Maybe first dates should be accompanied by a third party. Or each participant could take a friend. This would also eliminate that awkward moment before the hug at the end of the night. Or it would make it worse, depending on how weird your friends are.

What do your profile pictures say about you?  If you’re smiling, I think, “Here’s a nice person who connects with me and could really like me.”  After regaining my sanity, I think, “Here’s a total stranger grinning into a camera lens.”

Do you want to send the message that you’re unpredictable or quirky?  Try brooding and not smiling.  Although I’m liable to think I did something to offend you and I haven’t even met you yet. But that’s just me.  I even take spam personally.

Like staying on the go? Show it in a picture.  But remain still enough to take the picture, or you’ll resemble a blur.  Prefer rotting on the couch?  Photoshop yourself sitting not on the sofa but in a hot air balloon.  When they find out later you’re a couch potato, tell them the “hot air” was a message.

If you have a fun group shot with your pals, make sure each and every pal is less cute than you are.

Have a great picture with your ex?  When chopping him or her off, be sure to remove any remnant of the strange tattoos on their forearm, unless it’s to signal us it’s why you left them.

A study published in the Journal of Communication by Catalina Toma and Jeffrey Hancock called “What lies beneath: The linguistic traces of deception in online dating profiles” found what signs in an online dating profile will help you decipher a liar. Take note.

1) Liars avoid topics which they lie about. If they used fake or old photos then they wouldn’t describe their looks but instead would talk more about career, etc.

2) Liars used fewer words in general. In this case, less is more telling.

3) Liars didn’t write about any negative emotions because they wanted everything to be bright and positive.

This means you want to look for a longer profile while making sure there isn’t any obvious deflection or topic avoidance.

Luckily, if people are paying to be 100hookup members, they’re probably telling the little white lies that everybody tells and not being hugely and purposefully deceitful.