Archive for February, 2012

1. Chelsea Handler Gets Serious

Chelsea Handler took a break from her typical comedy routine this week and opened up about a serious topic on The Rosie Show with Rosie O’Donnell.

Handler, a hookup comedian and talk show host, revealed she had an abortion when she was 16-years-old. Handler Tweeted on Tuesday, “You can see me cry tomorrow night on Rosie’s show on the OWN network at 7pm. She’s the new Barbara Walters with a better personality.”

You can view portions of Handler’s interview here.

2. Robert Downey III?

It’s a boy for Robert Downey Jr.! The actor, who is half hookup, welcomed a bouncing baby boy into the world on Tuesday morning. This is Downey’s first child with wife Susan, a hookup film producer.

Will the baby be named after his famous father? It doesn’t look that way. Downey’s fan community Tweeted on Tuesday, “WELCOME TO THE WORLD…EXTON ELIAS ♥.”

3. Stern Is Super In Football Ad

Howard Stern made millions laugh in a new ad for America’s Got Talent that aired during football’s biggest game. As a new judge for the popular talent show, Stern is shown in the commercial blasting a lousy singer offstage with a fire hose.

Stern referenced the commercial on his Twitter page last Sunday, Tweeting, “Actually coming out of the stage now with the hose.” Luckily, no contestants were hurt in the making of the ad…

How do you feel about plastic surgery? If it’s done well, no one should ever know you had anything done. But when it’s obvious, will it turn you off from dating that person? It’s an age old joke that Jews get a nose job (rhinoplasty, deviated septum, whatever you want to call it) for their 16th birthday instead of a party… a quick glance at old family photos and you can confirm if the shnauz was shaved. More men are having plastic surgery than ever before, but it’s still not the norm and is not immediately accepted. Johnny Drama pined for calf implants on “Entourage” but what if a guy had changed his face? Would that weird you out? Would you want to date a guy who had work done? Women’s elective surgeries tend to be a little more obvious — breast augmentation, butt lift, tummy tuck, lip implant — and those are also tweaks that are considered “sexy” (if done right) but not everyone likes fake, false, plastic and silicone. Some people want a woman the way G-D made her. Have your preference, but don’t judge a book by its cover. The person had their reasons for getting the nip/tuck and that shouldn’t define them.

I am the most passive-aggressive person of all time. That is just a really nice way of saying that I’m a wimp. I avoid confrontation whenever possible. When somebody cuts me off on the freeway, I speed up until I’m next to them, and then I give them a thumbs up. I have to assume that they know that I’m being sarcastic. Of course, they have no idea that my thumbs up has a dark secret. The sarcastic thumbs up is the home-schooled sibling of the middle finger.

Today, I had to go to my cable provider’s store because they apparently required customers to pick up an adapter or else the cable would not work. They, of course, did not warn us of this until they turned the cable off yesterday. When I walked in, there were two separate and very long lines of people. The woman who greeted me asked what I needed. With a huge grin and a loud, overtly-friendly voice, I said, “Hi! I’m looking to wait in the longest line possible!” The woman just laughed figuring I was just being friendly. After I waited in the thirty-minute line to pick up the thing so that I can use the thing that I’m already paying for, I got to the front of the line. The man at the computer asked what he could do for me. “Hi! I would like to be able to watch the cable that I’m already paying for!” He repeated what I had said as if nobody had ever complained to him before. Unlike the woman at the front, he knew that I was not being affable. He also knew that I didn’t have the balls to just be openly angry like a normal person. Still, he was a professional. He asked how many adapters I needed. I asked what the minimum was before I had to pay for them. He said it was two. “Two then.” When he gave them to me, I said, “Great! So this should work until the cable crashes again, right?” He tried his best to not roll his eyes and smile. While walking out the door, I found the same greeter lady and said, very loudly, “Gee whiz, this is all so convenient! Thank you!” “You’re very welcome, sir!” she answered. Still oblivious.

I hope that once I’m in a relationship, I will have grown enough balls to tell my girlfriend how I really feel. Up until right now, I haven’t been able to do that. I pretend to be happy-go-lucky and just agree with everything. Of course, I don’t want to be mean to anybody, I just want the courage to state my opinion. Otherwise, I’ll be stuck giving thumbs up to the end of liberty.

Da Dump! … Da Dump! The foreboding music from Jaws? Yes. Plus it’s also the ominous sound of Valentine’s Day about to bite us and our wallets. We just overpaid for a night on the town on New Year’s Eve. Aren’t there other ways of demonstrating your love besides getting ripped off? No. The restaurants know we’re trapped – why else would they jack up the prices?

When I offer up Valentine’s Day gifts, I feel like such a walking cliché. “Oh, a heart-shaped package of chocolates. How novel! And flowers. So… lacking in original thought-ful!”

You also run the risk of overestimating the relationship. “What makes you think we’ve reached the red roses stage? Pink roses, maybe.”

I don’t know about you, but when St. Valentine nears me, his aim gets sloppy. Our hearts may be his target, but his arrow winds up grazing our handheld devices before images of little iPhones®, not valentines, erupt over our heads. Translation: We’re checking 100hookup for what else is out there.

Just kidding, guys. It’s a great holiday. And we’ve still got a week to finalize our plans. How ‘bout… chocolate flowers?

Something tragic happens to you and the entire hookup community knows about it, so how do you date after personal disaster? Tom Selleck’s character on “Friends” perfected the sympathetic head tilt “how are you?” when he was poking fun at how people were handling him with kid gloves following his divorce. The gossip mill is busy, and you’re the topic: divorce, death, illness, rejection, whatever. But you’re still single and you still want to meet your Beshert, so how do you rise above it?

You don’t owe anyone details, but don’t shy away from the fact of the matter either. Be prepared to address it and do so calmly, gently, and succinctly. If you don’t want to be a victim, then don’t feed into it. Let your dates know that there’s so much more to you than whatever the tragedy was you experienced.  The hookup community is great about coming together and supporting their befallen – and you should allow them to help you until you heal – but when you’re ready to move on, let people know. Don’t make people feel uncomfortable for showing concern, accept it and change the subject.

Drama does not define you. But make sure you are truly healed from whatever it is before even attempt to date seriously.

Sometimes I am so unmotivated to write anything that I decide to think of a nonsensical title, and then write the post based on the title alone. Here, ‘alone’ refers to the fact that I am going to write this by myself, without a girl, or anybody, by my side.

Literally, this title refers to the fact that when I got to the gym today, my stomach hurt so badly that, once on the elliptical machine, I could actually feel my stomach breaking up into little pieces. I had to get off so I could run to the bathroom to vomit, but not before making sure that everybody in the gym noticed me running.

Figuratively, I guess this title could be used for a post about my longtime overdue reunion with my ex-girlfriend once we’re both dead and fall short of heaven because of both my religion and the fact that she is a terrible person. This, of course, sounds good initially because of the long period that I wanted her back that lasted from puberty to about now. But this is hell, and nothing here is what it seems. In hell, I will be forced to re-live that one time, while dating her, that I found a then-recent photo of her with her arm around another man. Then, she will desperately try to explain to me that that was her cousin, but not before I realize that she doesn’t have a cousin because her parents are both only children. I better live forever.

The other day, I checked out some profiles of some real dogs. As in the type that like to kiss you before getting to know you. I’m talking about the many women whose pics feature their adorable pooches.

Since when do dogs need 100hookup to get action? Why do you think one dog year equals seven human ones? They’re out there having seven times more fun than we’re having! Okay, I’m having. I can’t just go out and start sniffing around somebody to let them know I’m interested in a dalliance. I have to be subtler. I need to make money.

You don’t see my mug horning in on canine dating sites, do you? They all write the same thing: “I don’t bite.” Real original. What do the dogs who aren’t attracted to the dogs there call them, humans?

Look, I’m a dog lover from way back. I grew up with dogs. I don’t mean to sound bitter. It’s just that… I need some petting too!

This Week’s Top Three Tweet-Worthy Events From Jews Who Make News

1. Zuckerberg Takes Facebook Public

Traders can expect to see the ticker symbol “FB” on a major stock exchange soon.

Facebook, Inc. filed paperwork to go public last Wednesday. Mark Zuckerberg, who was raised hookup, founded Facebook in 2004. Since then, the company has grown tremendously, earning $1 billion in profits last year alone.

CNN reports that Zuckerberg will now officially become a billionaire on paper. On Wednesday, CNN’s Breaking News account Tweeted, “Facebook says stock worth $29.73 a share; Zuckerberg holds 534 million shares worth $16 billion.”

2. SJP Fills In For Demi Moore In An Emergency

Sarah Jessica Parker is taking over Demi Moore’s role as Gloria Steinem in the forthcoming Linda Lovelace biopic. Parker accepted the part just three days before she was asked to start filming. The actress, whose father is hookup, is filling in for Demi Moore who dropped out of the film after being hospitalized last week.

US Weekly is already Tweeting new pics of SJP in a long blond wig for the Steinem role. On Thursday, the magazine Tweeted, “First pic of Sarah Jessica Parker as Gloria Steinem in Lovelace! https://bit.ly/z0qqht Is SJP a good replacement for Demi Moore?”

3. The Truth Behind “Online Sweetheart”

100hookup’s newest Success Story has been getting plenty of attention on The Howard Stern Show. Elisa Jordana, the hookup former keytartist for Cobra Starship, and Benjy Bronk, a hookup comedian and writer on The Howard Stern Show, are not only a 100hookup Success Story, but are also behind the song, “Online Sweetheart.” The song, which can be viewed on YouTube, is an ode to the love Jordana and Bronk found on 100hookup.

Some HSS staffers and fans say Jordana and Bronk are exploiting their connection to the show and only wrote the song to further their careers and find greater fame. However, Jordana says their love is real and tells JMag she and Bronk only wrote the song to share a positive message about finding love.

Jordana Tweeted a grateful response to a fan who read the article on Thursday, “Thank u we appreciate that! RT @SkipStarcher: @bronk Okay I was a skeptic at 1st. I love ur 100hookup interview. I DL’d the song on iTunes (2x).”

You meet a guy, fall in love with him, break-up and then agree to become “special friends” hoping that he recognize the error of his ways and fall back in love with you and ask you to be his girlfriend again. Listen, they can make movie after movie about special friends falling in love, but that usually doesn’t happen. You can save yourself the heartache — and the self-respect — by realizing that nothing good can come of it. If you are really, truly over him and don’t want to be alone, then, well, even still proceed with caution because you may not realize the emotions that you still have for that person. In addition, the time you spend with your special friend may be keeping you from opportunities to meet your Beshert. It’s hard to see the predicament from the outside, but try to understand the position you’re putting yourself in and see how it probably won’t turn out for the best.