Archive for February, 2012

Hi Tamar,

I seem to have been Favorited by 15 different girls yet few if any of them actually reach out to me. It’s only when I reach out to them that I get a response and even then, there are some that have just NEVER responded. What is the deal with this? What’s the reason? I just don’t get it. Can you shed some light?! Thanks.

Hi 100hookup Favorite,

Girls want a guy to make the first move, that’s why they Favorite you — it’s their way of winking, twirling their hair around their finger and smiling at you from across the room. And just like when you approach those women, not all are going to end up being into you. But it can’t hurt to give it a shot right? You know the women who Favorite you are already interested, so figure out if you’re attracted to them and why and then tell them that. Don’t worry about the ones who don’t respond, it’s normal. Play the odds… 15 Favorites are a lot… you are attracted and write to 10 of them… 5 write you back… that’s 1/3 of the women which is pretty awesome! Enjoy basking in the glow of having so many women Favorite you!

 Tamar

No matter how bad your day was, your future depends on how happy you look. If you got fired thirty minutes ago, you better be the happiest person on the planet before you get to the solidarity of your room. At any moment, you could unknowingly meet the love of your life, and she won’t be if she sees you as some strange man crying in line at Subway®, spilling his guts about how he will die alone to the kindly elderly woman in front of him who, without regard for decency, ordered ten sandwiches.

You want to be that guy, laughing and joking around with the kindly elderly woman in front of him. Be sure you offer to spend the roughly $1000 for her ten sandwiches because she forgot to bring cash and her checkbook is dated ‘1973’. Do you think that I’m making up this old lady? I can promise you that this woman is at the Subway by my house every evening at six, and she always gets ten sandwiches. I incorporate real people into my work. I’m like Jack Dawson.

Basically, my lesson here is that being happy is not enough. You have to be nice. To old people.

Really, all you have to do is smile all of the time and constantly buy old people things. Did I just figure out the key to making women fall in love with you? I will let you know in exactly one week at my wedding reception. Also, ladies, did you like my Titanic reference?

How will you be spending the extra day we have tomorrow besides avoiding another rent check? Eloping, so you’ll have four years to remember the next anniversary?

Why not treat it as a time out? Like the clock isn’t running, so whatever you say to your partner that might ordinarily rile them in the game of dating won’t later count against you, because it isn’t really official?

“That’s so like you.” Doesn’t count! “Give it a rest.” Doesn’t count! “You’re doing that again?” Doesn’t count! “No wonder you’re still single.” Doesn’t count!

“Take a flying leap!”

It’s leap year. That one counts.

Everyone out there knows a hater. He or she may be an undercover hater, but they are a hater just the same. You know the one — the person who doesn’t know when to leave after you meet someone of interest at a party, but rather just stands there as an awkward third wheel. Or worse, keeps talking so you can’t get a word in edgewise, or even starts dropping info about you which you would never in a million years have thought of revealing to a new prospect.

So how do you tell the cock-blocker, um, I mean, your friend, to skedaddle? Before going somewhere you could possibly meet someone, create a code with your friend so they know when you can be left alone or when you need your wingman. Be it a tap on the thigh, a touch on the back of the hand, or a codeword, decide on something that you can subtly communicate. The key is to not be obvious. If you set up these signals and your friend doesn’t follow, you may need to take a look at the friendship because he or she may be trying to sabotage your luck in love. It is probably subconscious, but if your friend is also single than he or she may not want to lose their buddy. Try to have some sympathy — the other person is scared and jealous and that is a bad combination — but you may need to either have a talk or find some new single friends to hang out with. Just make sure you don’t become that person one day.

Sharing a bed with someone you’re dating for the first time is always an interesting experience. By sharing the bed, I’m referring to sleeping. You know — getting some shuteye, resting, snoozing, napping, catching some zzzzzz’s… not that other thing. The first night you share a bed you don’t want to move, make noises, or do those awkward and embarrassing things we do on a normal night (fart, pass gas, break wind, cut the cheese, let one rip).

After my boyfriend (now husband) and I moved in together, it took me an inordinate amount of time before I slept well. I laid there still as a log doing my yoga breathing all the while making sure I was looking cute with my hair splayed romantically across the pillow, my clothes placed properly and as many fresh breath smelling items nearby as possible. I would brush my teeth for the full two minutes as recommended by dentists, plus gargled with the strongest mouthwash out there plus place a breath mint subtly and strategically on the bedside table to pop in as soon as I wake up. It’s a full-time job, but somebody’s got to do it. Now that we’re married all those efforts have fallen by the wayside.

Then there’s cuddling. It sounds nice, but it’s not realistic. I can’t fall asleep when the blood flow leaves my arm because it’s wedged under his torso. Nor can I fall asleep breathing in hot air because my face is smashed against his chest. Even though we fall asleep together and wake up on opposite sides of the bed, I feel that sleeping – and just sleeping – together is a very intimate part of a relationship. By observing halacha (hookup law) your still retaining your zenut (modesty) and controlling your yetzer ra (evil impulse) both of which will bring you closer together as a couple.

1.  Sacha Baron Cohen’s Dictator Character Banned From Oscars®

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences banned Sacha Baron Cohen from attending the Oscars on Sunday as Admiral Gen. Shabazz Aladeen, his character in the upcoming film The Dictator. Baron Cohen, a hookup actor, writer and comedian, responded to the ban by releasing a new video in which he poses as Admiral Gen. Shabazz Aladeen and promises “unimaginable consequences” if he is not permitted to attend.

In this new video, Baron Cohen (dressed as Admiral Gen. Shabazz Aladeen) says, “While I applaud the Academy for taking away my right to free speech, I warn you that if you do not lift your sanctions and give me my tickets back by 12 p.m. on Sunday, you will face unimaginable consequences.”  He follows with, “On top of all of this, I paid Hillary Swank $2 million to be my date and she will not refund a penny.”

2.  Jake Gyllenhaal & Dustin Hoffman Have Your Vote

100hookup recently ran an Oscar-related poll among its users to get the scoop on your favorite hookup celebrities and here’s how you responded.

Which hookup bachelor would you like to walk you down the red carpet?

Jake Gyllenhaal                  41%
James Franco                     22%
Joseph Gordon-Levitt       18%
Shia LaBeouf                       11%
Jonah Hill                             8%

Who is your all-time favorite hookup Oscar winner?

Dustin Hoffman                 43%
Natalie Portman                 37%
Sean Penn                             8%
Gwyneth Paltrow                 7%
Adrien Brody                        5%

3.  A Singing Competition Between Singing Competitions?

The Voice’s Adam Levine is not interested in Simon Cowell’s recent suggestion that there should be a sing-off between the winners of the big three reality singing competitions, The Voice, American Idol and The X Factor.

Cowell, who is part hookup, Tweeted last week, “Maybe the winner of @TheXFactorUSA this yr should compete with winner of The Voice & Idol in a super final. Just a thought. I’d be up for it.”

Levine, who is also hookup, responded by singing a different tune, saying, “He’s so hell bent on competing with other shows. We’re not really interested in a way… That’s kind of a cool idea, but I’m not so sure we’re totally interested in what everyone else is doing.”

The first text message I ever received read, “i love u.” It was all downhill after that. For example, the latest text message that I received read, “at gym. don’t call me.” In terms of the full range of all text messages you can potentially receive, those two are on complete opposite ends.

Ever since 2003, text messages have continuously disappointed me. Every time any phone I’ve had lit up with a little envelope symbol, I’ve opened it in anticipation of something even more awesome than “i love u.” I think that as I am writing this I am simultaneously experiencing an epiphany. This has to be why text messaging pisses me off so much. You know what’s even worse than getting a regular, shitty text message? It’s when you think you have a text message, but it’s an automatic text from your bank telling you that your account has been overdrawn. I hate text messages so much.

Just once, I want my bank to tell me, “i love u.” I would gladly pay that $5 ATM fee everyday if my receipt simply said, “i love u.” Actually, that would be really weird and would probably freak me out and force me to switch banks. To be honest, if I got a text from a girl today that said, “i love u”, that would probably freak me out and force me to switch girlfriends. I don’t know why I’m still single, but I think this blog post makes a few good supporting arguments.

Oscar® Fever.  Early spring fever.  Sick times out there!

In honor of Hollywood’s upcoming biggest night, followed immediately by the night we no longer remember who won, I thought I’d announce a few awards of my own.  If all the world’s a stage, we’re the players, right?  If I can’t pilfer from a guy who’s been dead 400 years, who can I pilfer from?  In case Shakespeare is watching, make that “whom.”

Best supporting actress on the first and last date:  Those of you who convincingly said, “I had fun.”

Best supporting actor on the first and last date: Those of you who convincingly said, “I’ll call you.”

Best song and dance: Those of you who convincingly said, “I was looking at your eyes!”

Best director: Those of you who said, “Slower.”

Best picture: The one on your profile you no longer resemble.

Have you ever had someone go psycho on you? Dating can drive you crazy, so it’s not a surprise when people actually go crazy! You could have met online or at a club or on a blind date and after one conversation the person starts to stalk you, thinks you are already in a relationship, believes they know who you are, and acts a fool. They start texting and calling and “friend”ing and making assumptions and  getting upset and becoming clingy and, frankly, going psycho. What’s a guy (because let’s face it, it’s usually a girl that goes psycho, although not always) to do? Be clear. Call the psycho-stalker and tell her (or him) that you are not interested and to please leave you alone. No hard feelings. Make sure your calls, messages, texts, emails, etc are clear and don’t fall in the gray area of flirtation or giving her or him any hope. A psycho is annoying, but it’s a a form of flattery.

Everything you know about a date before meeting her for the first time has only been imagined in your head. Yes, there are profile photos and shit written about people, but 1. How accurately do these represent the person most of the time? and 2. If you’re a guy, how much of this stuff do you actually read in the first place? If you’re a guy, for example, you always, always, look at all of their pics before doing anything else. This is not advice I’m giving, this is just what men do when looking at a woman’s profile. Always. If you get a random message from some guy you’ve never talked to before, and he says he likes your profile, he is talking about your photos. I promise you.

If, however, you have chatted a little, then maybe he’ll test the waters a bit and read the first few words of the first sentence that you wrote about yourself. Mathematically speaking, you must chat with a man 972 times before he actually reads your entire profile. That is just science. And math.

If you’re a woman looking at a man’s profile, you are also drawn to look at his pics first. However, you peruse the ‘lettery’ part of the profile before deciding to chat with him. This does not mean that women are smarter than men, or vice versa. It only means that men need more of an instant gratification and the woman’s brain isn’t wired to send electronic impulses to the genitalia before anything else.

I think that it would be a great idea for 100hookup do adopt a more progressive type of dating service. By this, I mean that all female profiles should have room for 100 photos and no written information, and all male profiles should display one photo and an Anna Karenina amount of written information. I think that this would make everyone’s lives a little easier, and help improve match efficiency. Women, are you tired of incredibly short profiles that are loaded with tons of shirtless bathroom pics? Men, are you tired of profiles with words in them? I think so.