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Jul 24

Old Habits Never Die Because I Have a Debilitating Disorder

by JeremySpoke under Single Life

It doesn’t matter how normal my life gets, I will always have obsessive-compulsive disorder. The only parallel to this that I can think of is a recovering alcoholic. This person is still very much an alcoholic. They just no longer drink alcohol. They don’t feed their habits, and in that way, can lead a somewhat normal life. I’m not speaking for alcoholics, but I’m sure that a sober life for a recovering alcoholic is not easy. I’m not an alcoholic and I still have to drink sometimes. I’m pretty sure that’s the last thing that alcoholics say right before they realize that they’re alcoholics.

Just like recovering alcoholics are able to control their disease by not feeding it, I can now usually control my OCD by usually not giving in to physical compulsions and rituals. However, no matter how hard I try, it is impossible to not let it seep into my day-to-day life. Sometimes, I find myself walking to my car, and it’s not until fifteen minutes later when I recognize that instead of already having arrived at my destination, I’ve been making a constant loop from my car to the front door of my house. After about forty mindless trips to the front door, touching it with both elbows exactly fourteen times every time, I realize that that’s not a thing that people do.

Usually, I’m able to catch myself before I do something stupidly symmetrical like that, but sometimes I’m not. It’s not just physical compulsions, either. Mental obsessions are virtually just as bad as they have always been. While I’ve been able to control the physical manifestations of OCD, a lot of it still lives inside. This is an excellent way to hide the crazy. I suppose the mind is more powerful than the body. Don’t tell that to any quadruple amputees, though. Actually, go ahead and tell them. It couldn’t be any worse than them constantly realizing that they have no arms or legs. Now I’m thinking about why I wrote this. There are people out there without arms or legs, and I’ve spent the past hour worrying that I forgot to take my clothes to the dry cleaners. I no longer have any right to worry about anything.

I am so happy.

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