Archive for June, 2011

For most of the country, winter can be a long, dreadful, depressing time.  Especially here in New York where the weather seems to go from one extreme to the other.

One day it is 30 degrees and snowing, the next day it is summer and time to break out those shorts!  I can’t stress enough how frustrating it is that the two best weather seasons, fall and spring, are almost non-existent here!  But I digress…

With summer comes great summer dating ideas and today’s suggestion is to bring your date to a concert.  This works especially well if you are dealing with someone who is clearly passionate about music in his or her profile.

This is a great date for two reasons.

1.  It is a fun, exciting date.  The goal of being a master at planning dates is to plan dates that are a cut above the rest of the crowd without having to break that wallet wide open and looking desperate to impress.

2.  The high energy, inflated sense of having a good time, and good feelings, will be carried over once the date is over.  The date may have ended days ago, but those good feelings will be permantly interconnected with you, leaving your date desiring a second date.

So hit up those concerts and rock it out.  And don’t forget that good night kiss.

I think the unwritten rule that once you leave college you can’t make a new friend of the opposite sex is complete bollix. I understand that, as a single male, I am much more apt to view every woman I meet in terms of her romantic potential but I am very sick of viewing woman, and our interactions, this way. Case in point, as I’ve mentioned numerous times in past blogs, I haven’t gone out on what I would consider to be a bad date in over a year. That being said, however, I haven’t been interested in going out on many second dates, which has left me in a bit of conundrum.

You see, I’ve gone out on a bunch of dates with women that I didn’t feel a romantic attraction or connection with, though I would have loved to continue hanging out with them as friends. I know that this would be a much more reasonable request if I hadn’t met the women in question on a dating site, since then we wouldn’t have met under the sole pretense of seeing if we were romantically compatible. Yet, I still wish there was some wiggle room within this construct that would allow us the opportunity to become friends.

Recently I was on 100hookup scanning the list of women who were online and I noticed a woman that I had dated last year for about two months was logged on. Our relationship ended amicably with both of us agreeing that our schedules were too conflicting and that we just couldn’t make things work. However, I’ve always felt that, had we met under different circumstances, without the burden of expectations which dating someone brings, we could have become really good friends. Of course, when we decided to stop dating we both wished each other well. Still, I am someone who believes you can never have too many good people in your life, which is why I was tempted when I saw her online recently to say hello and ask how she was doing.

Of course I know that this is a big online dating no-no since, once you cease dating someone you’ve met online, you are supposed to cut ties and go back to the proverbial dating grind. Yet, I don’t like underlying reality to online dating. Having that been said I don’t know how I plan on changing it since I might be leading the way in this revolution without anyone marching behind me. I did want to get these feelings off of my chest. In the end there are many aspects of online dating that I enjoy and am thankful that it is a resource for meeting people which is available to me. Ultimately I know you can’t always have things just the way you want them when it comes to dealing with the uncertainty and unpredictability of dating. On this one subject, however, I do wish things were different even if I’m being way too idealistic in my outlook.

When you’re making plans for a date – whether you’re doing the asking or being asked – it’s imperative that you be flexible. If she suggests sushi, don’t make a gagging noise. If he suggests coffee or drinks rather than a meal, don’t sigh. If she suggests the newest, trendiest, most expensive restaurant, don’t audibly roll your eyes. And if he suggests a midweek date, don’t grunt or guffaw. Being flexible is an admirable and sought after quality. It doesn’t mean you’re desperate for a date anytime or anywhere but rather that you’re open to trying new things and willing to compromise – both attributes we desire in a mate.

Sure the ladies love a guy who tells them to get dressed up to go out on Saturday night – Prime Date Night – to a fancy-shmancy restaurant where he can impress you with the fact that he was able to finagle reservations. But a gal should be just as comfortable and excited to be in jeans at the greasy but delicious hole-in-the-wall neighborhood joint on a Thursday night because your date knows that’s when they have a special and delicious delicatessen that’s not on the menu.

If it’s your first phone conversation ever the last thing you want to do is come across as snobby or inflexible by heeing and hawing over every suggestion. If it’s a second or third date and you know her favorite food is sushi then take her there even if it means you order an overpriced teriyaki chicken dinner. Just don’t make an icky face or yucky noise when the raw fish arrives at your table. If you want to add some fun and interaction and spice up a date go to Gyu-Kaku or another type of restaurant where you can order the food and cook it together.

As I mentioned last week, I’m allergic to onions but even I would be willing to go to the Blooming Onion if that’s where my husband wanted to go because I know there’s going to be something on the menu I can eat. There’s something you can order everywhere you go even if it’s just the house salad with grilled chicken, so there’s no need to be difficult by rejecting every restaurant suggestion your date makes.

I met a guy on 100hookup a few years back who was allergic to this, that and the other. He couldn’t have anything with gluten, he was vegetarian and he was allergic to nuts. I asked him how he ever left the house, forget about eating in a restaurant. Needless to say he wasn’t my Beshert. In his case, he needs to make the phone call and ask out his date with a list of a few restaurants already in mind which he knows has food he can eat. And he shouldn’t mention all his allergies until they’ve ordered and even then he ought to do so in a self-deprecating manner. Thank goodness he didn’t list his allergies in his profile!

You can take turns on dates being the one picking the place – if it’s a flop you’ll be able to tease your date from then on. If you’re making plans via email or instant messenger it’s even more important to not make a sarcastic comment about the food or the service or what have you because so much gets lost in translation online. “LOL” only gets you so far. Don’t be a doormat – if you ate Chinese food last night and don’t want it again, it’s okay to say so. Some couples will bond over both being food snobs but for the most part nobody wants dinner to turn into restaurant wars – this is the situation where you want to be easy and not a challenge.

I can now admit that I didn’t always used to act very lady-like when a waiter would get my order wrong. See, I’m allergic to onions and I always say “no onions please” when I order my food but 9 times out of 10 my food arrives with scallions sprinkled on top. Um, did you know that scallions are a form of onion? I did. So are chives. Shocker right? Well, the waiter and/or cook must not be educated on this topic and it irks me to no end. I used to lose my cool, give dirty looks, speak in a nasty tone and just be plain rude. Would I get a new dish without onions that was probably comped (and spit on)? Sure. But it would also ruin our dinner.

I was totally unaware of my behavior but others were not. Finally, my then-boyfriend-now-husband let me know and told me he wouldn’t stand for it and found it to be a huge turn-off. He told me the cold hard truth – I was embarrassing myself and the people I was with (including him) by acting like an ungrateful, spoiled brat. He asked me if I wanted people to think of me in an ugly manner. Of course the answer was no. He told me that if I didn’t change he would have to seriously rethink our relationship because he wouldn’t marry somebody who didn’t respect the hard-working people of the service industry. Obviously that got my attention. I was completely oblivious to my own facial expressions and tones but I was aware when others acted in an ugly manner in restaurants or stores and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want others to look at me that way anymore, especially not my significant other.

So I changed and for the better. I order more specifically and make sure to show the waiter a smile and appreciation for having to customize my order. Does my food still arrive with onions sometimes? Sure. But I recognize how hard the waiter is working and sweetly ask for my food to be replaced. My now-husband is incredibly proud of me and recently when the waiter got my order wrong three times in a row he was impressed by my self-restraint and ability to keep my composure.

It doesn’t matter if you’re on the worst date ever, don’t lose your cool on the waiter. It’s okay to be thought of as that person there was no chemistry with but you don’t want to be remembered as rude. And if you’re on a date that’s borderline – still being decided if it’s going well or not – you don’t want to influence it for the worse because you were inconsiderate. Finally, if a date is going great, don’t ruin it by being ungrateful and impolite.

Women always say they want a man who treats his mother well, but it’s more telling how he treats the waiter. If he thinks the waiter is his personal servant it’s likely he’ll think of you that way, too, one day. And ungrateful women will most definitely be categorized as snobs and no one wants to marry a snob. You may say you don’t care what people think of you but you also don’t want to be thought of anything less than positive, right?

It’s the little things like saying “please” and “thank you” and actually meaning it that go a long way. It shows you are mature, have good manners and understand the value of hard work. Those are the virtues to want in your husband or wife and the mother or father of your future children.

Most people want to learn how to write a profile but just are not great writers.  This can be a tough situation.  Online dating profiles reveal not just your likes and dislikes, but your characteristics as well.

For example, if I write a profile that has a lot of errors, isn’t fluent, or just doesn’t grab the attention of others, women may assume that I’m lazy, don’t take online dating seriously, or might not be that smart.

This may not be entirely fair but it without a doubt happens.

The truth is, I know many brilliant people who just aren’t the greatest writers and it is sad to be sabotaged by this.

My advice?  Either ask a friend who writes well to complete your profile, or find an online dating profile writing service.  It may be embarrassing to ask a friend.  It may cost a little money to hire someone.  But with the overwhelming amount of competition out there these days, it is important to get any edge possible.

Too many men ignore the importance of how to write a profile.  It is critical and should never be underestimated.

When I go out on a first date I always think about what planning elements, within my control, will most help me make a good first impression. Certainly finding an agreeable time and place to meet are at the top of my priorities list; but other components, such as how I present myself, are also exceedingly important to consider.

I believe wholeheartedly that it is imperative to be yourself on a first date, which includes what you say, how you act and how you present yourself aesthetically. Everyone, whether they profess to care much about their outward appearance or not, has a style that is uniquely his or her own. For me, generally speaking, when I go out I dress up in one of two ways; 1) jeans and a concert or graphic tee or 2) jeans, button down shirt and tie (loosely tied of course).

Of course there are variations of these two specific styles that I’ll use from time to time to alter my look; for the most part these are the main two presentations that I prefer when I go out. Both say something about my personality – that I’m laid back but definitely care about and put time into my appearance, and also that style is important to me.

This is not to say that if you typically wear sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt everyday that you should put on a collared shirt and khakis just because you have a date because that wouldn’t be projecting the real you. Personally I am not a real big polo guy, therefore, even though polos are very standard for guys to wear on dates, you’ll rarely see me wearing one because that’s not my style and therefore I wouldn’t feel completely comfortable.

In the end, what you wear is just another element that contributes to your overall ability to feel like, and therefore be, yourself. So, even if you aren’t someone who normally cares about their appearance I would encourage you to take a few extra moments in order to make sure you aren’t trying to present yourself in a way that you think will appeal most to the person you are going out on the date with, and instead simply showing off the real you.

Being single isn’t easy and it isn’t cheap. Between finding dates and going on dates, the cost of love adds up quickly. In this economy it would be easy to cut down on certain soulmate-searching techniques but all that would mean is that you lessen your opportunities of meeting your Beshert. Rather, think of it as an investment. If somebody asked you how much money you would be willing to spend to find The One, you wouldn’t hesitate to spend every dime you have. And if they said that all you needed to do is spend a little more money to meet said Beshert sooner, you wouldn’t hesitate to call your Mom and ask her to sponsor your 100hookup membership.

You could sign up for 100hookup for just one month, but let’s be honest, we’re Jews and we like a deal and signing up for 3 or 6 months will cost less in the long run. I know you hope you’ll meet someone the first month – and maybe you will – but if you buy the most expensive package chances are you’ll up your chances of meeting your Beshert in the first month. That’s just how things seem to work, you know? So just budget in some extra money a month after signing up for 6 months.

Count on attending at least one hookup singles event each month. That will cost you about $20. But you’ll probably go to two hookup events so that’s about $40 a month. Next you have the cost of going out to “mainstream” bars, networking events and parties in the hopes that you’ll meet a hookup single there. Let’s just say that will cost you $200 a month. So just to put yourself out there is going to cost you nearly $250 a month. That sounds like a lot, but if someone told you that for less than $10 a day would get you a husband or wife, you would fork over the cash in a heartbeat.

After you finally meet someone you have the cost of going out on dates and all that it entails. Eventually if not sooner you’re going to have to buy some new “going out” clothes, you’re going to want to get a haircut, you’re going to want to wash your car and, of course, you’re going to have to pay for meals and drinks and movie tickets and concerts and flowers and so on. It all adds up. And if you look at it the way I’ve just laid it out there it sounds overwhelming and expensive, but again, it’s all worth it if leads to your Beshert.

We all buy new clothes eventually and we all need haircuts eventually and we all need to wash our cars eventually. And paying for all or part of a meal, drinks, tickets, etc. is par for the course. It’s called dating. If you’re not spending that money while you’re out on a date then you’ll spend it while out with friends. You can either spend the money on a date without thinking twice (as you should) or you can dwell over each penny when the date is a dud. But don’t look at it that way, remember that it’s an investment and one day soon you’ll be in sticker shock over the price of a wedding.

I know the feeling believe me.  Getting over an ex, especially a long term relationship is tough.  And I have been there.

While there is no easy solution to getting over this, one thing is for sure: Online dating is a savior for modern times that makes the process a thousand times easier than it once was.

Think about all the benefits that online dating provides.

For starters, the best way to move on is to meet someone new.  With online dating we can begin the process as soon as we are emotionally ready.

Which brings us to my second point.  In the past it was so much tougher getting out of a relationship because you never knew the next time you were going to meet someone again.  There was just no way of knowing when the next opportunity would arrive.

With online dating opportunity is there whenever we turn on the computer.

But perhaps most importantly, online dating will keep us busy and our minds off self-sorrow.

For all these reasons, use online dating when going through this pain.  The benefits are outstanding.

I always experience one constant feeling after a date, no matter how well or badly it went. That is, an intense feeling of hunger. Since I work late the earliest I am able to meet for a date is 7:30, but on some occasions it can be as late 8:30 or 9:00. Since I typically go out on dates during the week this is often times too late for the woman I am going out with to eat dinner, therefore we usually just grab drinks and, if I’m lucky, split a small bite.

I work on the far south side of Chicago, and every place I could conceivably meet a woman in order to go on a date is located north of me; therefore it is easy for me to always drive straight from work to a date.  Usually for a first date I like to suggest a place where we can comfortably sit, have a drink and order food if we want, but often times my dates will have eaten right before we meet and therefore won’t be very hungry.

Since I no doubt raced to the date straight from work – changing on my way out the door and, once in a while, doing my hair in the car to avoid being late — I always show up to dates starving. Furthermore, if the woman I am on a date with isn’t interested in eating then I never order anything because I’m just not comfortable sitting there stuffing my face when she’s not having anything to eat.

Of course, knowing that this is going to be the feeling that I enter every date with, I could make the necessary adjustment and either eat something on my way, or make sure that we specifically make plans to eat dinner during the date. Usually, however, I like to keep it open-ended and just go with the flow of the evening based on how we are both feeling. Unfortunately, a side effect of planning things this way is that if we don’t eat I have to go through the entire date hungry. Additionally, I realized recently that as a result of my empty stomach the effects of the drinks we have are magnified and therefore I need to closely watch my consumption so that I am able to drive home.

I know that this particular problem might seem silly, and most people reading this could list off the top of their head a half-dozen reasonable solutions; however this is the way that I am most comfortable approaching first dates. So, even though it doesn’t seem rational, I’m going to probably keep things this way, which means I’ll just have to suck it up if on my next date if we don’t order any food knowing that after it’s over I’m going to have to race home and make a frozen dinner.

I am sure that there is advice floating around somewhere on how to properly conduct a date using as little money as possible.  Though I certainly am not an expert, I have been on enough dates with little to no money, and have carefully weighed the good outcomes with the bad.  Having never experienced anything close to a good outcome when dating on a budget, I will now propose my hypothesis:  Do not go out on a date if you have little to no money.

This may sound harsh, but it is no harsher than having reality kick in halfway into you and your date’s Extra Value Meal.  This is not a knock against McDonald’s.  McDonald’s is great food to eat while sitting in your car alone. However, if not in your car or not alone, please stay clear of McDonald’s wondrous assortment of treats.  Nothing hurts more than watching your date throw her McFlurry® onto the ground before stomping past the indoor playground and drink station before storming out the doo Dates are expensive.  Even when on a budget, you may not realize how much money you are spending.  If she lives more than five miles away, that’s at least a quarter gallon of gas.  Counting the round trip to her place, and the restaurant, that’s about $4 in gas.  If she lives further than five miles away, you should seriously reconsider all of the qualities of the person that you are about to shower in cash.  When she gets in the car, she will probably enjoy cold air conditioning as well as my employment of the brake and accelerator so as to not hit anything or anyone.  This all takes a toll on how much gas is consumed.

Of course, if you are dating on a budget, you may not have a car at all.  If you live in a suburban environment and do not have a car, this blog should not be your first deterrent to going out on a date.  Instead, you should have acquired years of public shame and misery before knowing for sure that you should not go out with anybody.  If you live in a sprawling suburban environment, and do not own a vehicle, you have two options.  The first option is to let her pick you up and drive you around.  This should not be an option to any person who thinks and feels. The second option is to not go out at all.  This option works much better when trying to not be humiliated.