Archive for April, 2011

My friend Michelle flies out to Los Angeles over President’s Day weekend every February to meet up with all her sorority sisters. This time, I told her that not only should she change her location and About Me paragraph on her online dating profile to show “Los Angeles” but she should do so now, a few weeks in advance. Although she will only be visiting the area for the long weekend, you never know who you could meet, which means she also has to change her outlook regarding long distance relationships.

Needless to say, telling a guy you’re only coming into town for the weekend will give off a very wrong impression, so a little white lie may be necessary. Saying you’re “thinking of moving” may not be the truth, but it also won’t hurt anyone. All it will do is open Michelle up to more prospects. Sure, the guy may be on the other side of the country right now, but hey, since she hasn’t had luck in New York then why not give it a shot? If it’s Beshert then one of them will gladly move eventually.

When I met “S” while on vacation in Israel I was thinking of moving – although not out of the country! – so my mindset was open. And when “S” heard that I was in a transitional phase of my life, plus had a portable career, he started to consider the idea of something more developing between us. It was each of our openness that allowed a deep connection to develop so quickly, propelled him to ask me to move and gave me the ability to say yes.

It may sound weird to change your online dating profile to a city you’re only visiting for a short time, but why not see who’s out there? And if someone catches your fancy then why not make time to meet up while you’re there? Once I explained this all to Michelle she changed her location from New York to Los Angeles and made her first line in her About Me paragraph to read that she would “be in L.A. and is hoping to meet someone that will help me make a decision about moving to the City of Angels.” She also started checking out her matches in the area and contacted a few guys who caught her eye.

Michelle has already begun communicating with one guy and they’ve arranged to meet-up in a few weeks when she’s in town. Now she’s even more excited about her trip and is already looking for reasons to return even though she hasn’t even gone yet! By opening herself up to possibly meeting someone out of town she has reignited the fire within and now instead of being frustrated with being single she has a positive outlook about dating that she’s already emoting. Who knows, maybe this new attitude will result in her meeting someone in New York before she even goes to L.A.!

This was the whole point of my exercise with Michelle – to help her rediscover her spirit during what can be a frustrating journey. It’s so easy to lose sight of what kind of person you’re looking for and to let the quest get the best of you. By taking a trip, whether it be to a neighboring state or another country, and scoping out the prospects there, you can find that positive energy you’ve lost along the way. A vacation fling could be just what the dating doctor ordered!

Facing rejection through online dating has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.  Especially that dreaded Instant Messaging rejection as you sit there and see the words, “Susie874 has declined to answer your Instant Message at this time.”

Believe me, I know the feeling.  As a former struggling online dater I saw that familiar sentence on 100hookup more times than I would have ever liked to.  Being rejected feels bad enough, but being rejected without ever even having a chance to make your pitch is an even worse feeling.  At least when we get rejected in real life we have a chance to say something or be heard out!

While these feelings can be crippling to your self esteem, the truth is, its not your fault.  Don’t take it personally.  These women are not necessarily rejecting you for reasons that have to do with your looks or personality.  It is more that they get bombarded by more messages than they could ever answer.

I often say, “hall of famers bat 300″ online.  There is so much competition that even the best will often be “rejected” seven out of 10 times.  The important thing is to follow online dating tips that will provide you with the best possible chance to bat .300.   So work on every aspect of your online game that you could think of, and when you are in tip top shape, if that dreaded “decline” comes, have no worries because its probably nothing personal; here are plenty of women around the corner.

Coming off of my well-deserved rock-star high, I got into my car in the IHOP parking lot with the woman whom I will refer to as ‘Caroline’ so as not to disrupt what I imagine are her delicate senses.  She asked where I wanted to go, and if I had known that that was a sign that she would have literally gone anywhere with me that night, then I never would have made the mistake of saying ‘home’ and dropping her off at her house …six years before my next moment with a girl would come with a woman I will call ‘Kelsie’.

So I’m standing inside my apartment with ‘Kelsie’ as she hugs me and tells me that I’m easily the best looking guy on the photo staff, though I know there are three gorgeous contenders that easily rank above me.  There was that moment again.  I could take her anywhere, and I had taught myself that if, that moment ever came again, I wouldn’t drive her home to her new life with ‘Eliot’.  I would drive her six years forward to my future with our child on the way.  “I’m doing this for Carly!” (our child) I yell at her face, while I kiss her, marry her, and impregnate her in the same motion.

I treated ‘Kelsie’ the same way I treated ‘Caroline’.’  I hugged her and let her go.  Luckily for ‘Caroline,’ text messaging hadn’t been created yet, so there was no way I could try to reignite the spark four years after the fact. Unluckily for “Kelsie,’ text messaging had been created.  If I ever see ‘Kelsie’ again, and the initial awkward phase of me pretending that I never texted her anything passes, I may tell her about our alternative life with our daughter, Carly.  I would not, however, tell her that Ben was actually hotter.

After a date with a woman that I’d like to go out with again I always instinctively say, as we are parting, “I’ll call you.” But I never do.  Normally, if my intentions are not to go out with a woman again, I won’t say anything so as not to lead her on. Instead, I act ambiguously if I get the sense that she wants to go out again.

Unfortunately, pretty much every time I’ve uttered the phrase “I’ll call you” I’ve been lying. You see, I never call women, and come to think I don’t really call anyone, therefore what I should honestly be saying to women after dates is “I’ll text you” because that is really the primary form of communication that I currently use.

However, recently I’ve gotten a little sick of always corresponding via text message since it’s so impersonal, and have decided to begin a calling campaign to try to alter my ways. While sending a text message when you are leaving work, or to say that you are running late ,is completely fine in my book, I don’t entirely like the idea of only communicating with people via text message when we aren’t together.

Recently I went out on two dates with a woman but, due to our conflicting schedules, we are in the middle of waiting two weeks before we go out on our third. During the first week we texted a few times during the day; however, with so long in between seeing each other I think that calling her and chatting for a little while this week would be a good idea. Even though it’s been a while since I called a woman I was seeing I’m optimistic that, in spite of being out of practice, I’ll be able to brush off the rust and we’ll have a pleasant first phone conversation.

So many 100hookups begin on the phone and can last hours as you get to know each other. Those early phone conversations are so exciting, you’re more than willing to lose sleep to stay up talking and you can’t wait to meet. But often the time between those calls and meeting can lag… so how do you keep up momentum? Sometimes the first date is great and you can’t seem to sync up your schedules for a second date. Again, how do you keep the excitement going?

For instance, my friend Jack met a new 100hookup at a bar where they talked until the place shut down. They really liked each other and couldn’t wait to make plans to meet again. But she was going out of town the next week and he was traveling out of the country for two weeks after that.

It was so great to finally hear Jack say that he really liked a girl, that she was really cool and that he was really excited to see her again. So I was bummed to hear that it would be nearly a month before they could continue to develop their romance. So many things had to happen and, inversely, not happen to aide them during the hiatus. First, and most importantly, neither of them could meet anyone else who tickled their fancy during that time. Second, and just as important, they had to keep in touch to a point: talk on the phone before he leaves for his trip and exchange a few emails when he is able to check into an internet café. But, thirdly, they shouldn’t build up too much of a rapport while separated because then they run the risk of building up unreachable expectations. There’s a fine line between keeping in touch, keeping the flame alive and keeping the momentum going and actually starting a serious relationship via the phone and internet before spending enough time together in person.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also can shine an amber light on someone’s faults you may normally hate. Having a month of phone calls and emails after meeting each other only once means that you will only get the person on his or her best behavior. You also won’t get to see facial expressions on the phone or hear vocal inflections in an email. That means when you see each other again in person you may not know each other as well as you think you do. It’s hard not to build someone up in your mind after a romantic night together but as long as Jack and his new crush go into this month apart and into their reunion with realistic expectations then I think they will do just fine picking up where they left off. By giving yourself a reality check and reminding yourself that you will eventually see the cracks in the foundation that we all have, you can go into a date being able to see the forest for the trees.

I walked by the door, smiling and waving to all of the strangers inside.  There were d****bags everywhere.  I was honestly aghast at all of them.  From the kids playing beer pong in front of me, to the kids pouring Four Loko into plastic cups, to the kids outside on the balcony vomiting, they were everywhere.  I felt like an elder statesman in my polo shirt and khaki pants.  “Do not continue drinking alcohol, young woman vomiting over the ledge!” I wanted to say.  “Do not continuously dribble this basketball onto the floor, there are people living below you!”  “Please stop looking like a professional call-girl, young woman.”

There were so many judgments that were in need of permeating these young children’s heads.  Is this what college looked like when I was there?  Certainly not!  We were civilized.  The women of our time didn’t look like prostitutes!  The police eventually came.  I wanted to yell out, “Police!  Shut this down at once!” but I couldn’t because I would probably be arrested if I tried to explain to them that I was 27 and visiting my little sister.  Instead, I was relegated to the back room with my sister, my friend, and a group of other children.  I casually asked if anybody else was interested in smoking crystal meth, and got a lot of faces of shock.  I’m just kidding, kids. Lighten up, or you will be doing crystal meth in less than ten years in your parents’ garage.

At the end of the night, one of these kids decided to win my sister’s favor by rambling to me how pretty he thinks she is.  “So, does your sister only date hookup guys?” he asks me.  It was at that exact moment that I decided to steal this kid’s cell phone charger.  I didn’t decide to do this all at once.  I had earlier realized that I had left my phone charger in another city, and this kid’s apartment had a phone charger that perfectly fit my phone.  I was skittish at first, but his drunken ramblings made it clear that I was destined for a life of crime.

For me the idea of gaining “dating momentum” is very important. It is not only crucial to my psyche that I am continuously talking to women and going out on first dates, but also that once I go out on a few dates, if things are going well, that we continue to consistently go out and see if the relationship has potential.

Especially early on in a relationship I think that the idea of gaining momentum is important since it’s hard to get to know someone, and find out if you two are compatible, when you only see each other sporadically. Additionally, when I am looking forward to something, such as going out on a second or third date, the last thing I want to do is be patient until we find a day when our schedules match up and we can go out.

Recently I went out on a first date with a woman, and it went really well, which led to us going out on a second date 6 days later. As someone who usually doesn’t rush into anything, and can be very methodical with how I plan dates at the beginning of a relationship, I think that spacing dates out about a week apart makes sense.

After we had a really good second date last week I was expecting, since my schedule is relatively flexible now that we are in the off-season, that we would be able to make plans to go out this week. Unfortunately, her work schedule is crazy right now and we weren’t able to find a day that was good for both of us until next week, which meant that it would be two weeks between when we went out on our second and third dates.

Even after we were able to finally make plans I was still bummed that it would be two weeks before we went out again. However, I do know that, in spite of my disappointment, I need to hang in there. In the end I know that this situation might not be ideal, but perhaps instead of this two week break between dates killing our momentum we will be able to hit the ground running if the third date goes well because it will show that we are both committed to giving the relationship a chance and seeing where it goes.

My friend Julie recently a met a guy I’ll call “Darren” on 100hookup. It turns out they have a mutual friend who endorsed the match and the two were on their merry way to a first date. They met for drinks and Julie says it was a great time — there was constant and natural conversation, there were plenty of commonalities and there was mutual interest in seeing each other again.

Darren texted Julie the following Thursday morning and then called and asked her to go to dinner and a play on Saturday night — Prime Date Night! Julie was excited, needless to say.

Saturday night Darren picked up and then asked her where she wanted to eat. She was taken aback by the fact that he didn’t have any plans in mind, but she quickly rebounded and suggested a new place nearby. Dinner conversation didn’t flow quite as well as it did the week before and when the bill came Julie made a move towards her wallet, offered her credit card and Darren accepted. And as they were leaving the restaurant, entering and exiting the theatre, Darren not only failed to hold the door open for Julie, but let it fall shut behind him as he kept walking. The combination of all these faux pas was crushing as Julie was really excited about the prospect of Darren.

Julie was bummed but I convinced her to give Darren another chance if he were to ask her out again. A few days later she received a text from Darren saying that it was nice to meet her but they would be better off just as friends. Julie wasn’t so crushed because of the last date letdown, but still she was perplexed. I reminded her of the multiple faux pas he committed and pointed out that at least he was nice enough to not leave her hanging. We’ll never know what went wrong between date one and date two, nor why Darren wouldn’t give it one more shot, but he probably had a list with a few of his own grievances against Julie, faux pas that she committed unknowingly.

So how does something so promising fail so quickly and how can you keep these little disappointments from getting the best of you? Rollercoaster dating is unfortunately a normal part of dating and only hindsight will help you to see that the rollercoaster is actually weeding out the losers. And by losers I simply mean losing those that are not right for you. It’s better that the second date was such a doozy for both Julie and Darren because they didn’t waste any more time on something that ultimately wasn’t going to work out. Luckily, both of them saw the signs and neither was overly disappointed it didn’t work out. Maybe it’s realism, maybe it’s pessimism, but rather than getting your hopes up super high for each new date, try to just get your hopes up, say, medium high with a dash of sensibility.

When you’re out on dates make sure you’re always well behaved. Politeness is one of the highest virtues one can possess. A great date can go south in a hurry if you’re rude to the waiter or don’t leave a nice tip or don’t show appreciation. It’s the little things that count, such as: Saying please and thank you, pulling out a chair, opening a door, and so on. When you have a longer wait than normal or the waiter gets your order wrong or you find a bug in your food, don’t lose your temper. Keeping your cool and taking care of the situation in a calm and controlled manner is a huge turn-on. Conversely, making a scene, being rude and showing disrespect can ruin something that’s on the verge of being great.

Back in the Kibitz Corner, 100hookup wants to know: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done on a date? Here are some of our favorite answers!

Climbed out the bathroom window and left.

-MizMore, 42, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Boca Raton, FL

Choked on a sandwich and my date had to do the Heimlich to clear my throat passages. Then the chicken came flying out of my mouth. It wasn’t pretty at first, […]but then everyone in the restaurant applauded my date for saving my life.

-MeryllM1961, 49, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, E Northport, NY

Sang Turkish patriotic songs in Speedos at the Waldorf Astoria in NYC.

-NotSoReal, 36, Single, Man seeking a Woman, New York, NY

Flew from Philadelphia to NYC for dinner. Drove three hours round trip for The Kitchen Sink (a 20 scoop ice cream sundae.) I was younger then…

-Gladeswhi…, 59, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Miami, FL

Sprinted away from my date, while chasing a thief who stole an old lady’s purse at the ice cream store. Thief went to jail, lady got her purse back, the date itself… didn’ […]t go so well.

-BuilderAL, 25, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Naperville, IL

First date, took her to a shooting range. Was totally spontaneous, spur of the moment and we had a blast. She had never even held a gun before and found she was a natural […]marksman…couldn’t get her to leave. Then we went to play laser tag. Crazy, fun evening.

-118987859, 42, Divorced, Man seeking a Woman, Davie, FL

“Hijacked” a front-loader, in the middle of the night, from the marine base in San Diego.

-1debswish, 49, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Irvine, CA

Impromptu Cubs game. Lame, I know. I need to do more adventurous stuff on dates. Want to crash a Quinceañera? Get matching facial piercings? Stalk a celeb? Steal a Vespa?

-carmensan…, 35, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Chicago, IL

Bad crazy was a first date with a guy who took me out to an elaborate dinner with his parents–for their anniversary. Huh???

-Galya, 48, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Albuquerque, NM

Walked out of the restaurant after she asked me: “I need to know how much money you make so you can give me what I want, and how fast can you get promoted to a position of […]more responsibility and money?”

-hookup ga…, 47, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Mineola, NY