Archive for March, 2011

Dear Tamar,

My family has known that my Grandma was hookup though she became a Christian after all her family died when she was 10. She always told us about anything she could pertaining to Israel and she even visited three times, bringing back a Star of David for all her granddaughters. I’ve proudly worn the necklace since I was 5 years old. Thanks to the internet, I’ve learned that both of my mother’s parents were hookup and so was my father’s mother’s side! I’ve decided I want to convert and be with my people. The question is, can I claim to be hookup before I convert?

Dear New Jew,

What an interesting story! I would select the denomination of Judaism you are converting to and write in your profile that, although you are hookup by blood, you were not raised hookup and are in the midst of converting. Your story is going to be a hot topic so be prepared to tell it again and again and again. Some dates are going to want to hear details about the legitimacy of your hookupness and your conversion, so don’t get offended when you’re questioned.

We have all been on dates with people that are great.  They are either great-looking, or they may click with you in a more visceral way.  Great people are great.  They’re funny, smart, and are able to ignore your physical flaws (i.e. pimples, a goiter).  However, do not confuse great people with exceptional people.  While great people can only be great, exceptional people can possess a myriad of traits.  For example, it is true that some exceptional people are great.  However, a person that practices bad hygiene probably smells exceptionally bad.  A person who rarely goes outside may be exceptionally pale.  Finally, a person that hates certain people because of their skin color is probably exceptionally racist.

Though there are many exceptional people, the rest of this post will focus on people that are exceptionally ignorant.  Going out with an ignorant person is, in many ways, more aggravating than going out with someone who is mean, cheap, or angry.  While you can ignore unkind people by zoning them out or throwing drinks at them, you cannot ignore ignorance.  It is always there, and it is, in many ways, worse than anything else in America.  For example, when your date is preparing to pay for dinner, he/she will often be confused by the concept of gratuity.  Though gratuity can be complicated, it is usually not.  Also, gratuity is a terrible example for me to have just used because, if you’re on a date, they’re not going to add gratuity because there are only two of you (hopefully).  Okay, ignorant people are also quite often confused about the difference between appropriate and inappropriate small-talk.

If, within ten minutes of a date, your significant other brings up the fact that he/she is still in love with an ex, even though it’s been eight years since he/she was dumped, the fact that he/she strongly believes that President Obama was not born in the United States, or the fact that he/she would rather be asleep, you may be dating an exceptional person.  Don’t worry.  Try to have fun with it.  Play a game in your head where every time your date says something ignorant, you take a shot of whiskey.

Welcome back the attraction building portion of this blog. 

For those of you who are not familiar with my attraction building blogs, I have previously discussed in great detail that there are 10 different ways that all of us could attract women no matter what we look like.

Why?  To put it simply, the female mind is evolutionarily wired in a completely different way than the male mind and females respond to completely different things than we do.

Today I will be discussing one of the best ways to build attraction, and possibly one of the most important:  Showing high value.

Showing high value simply means having  the ability to appear as if you are someone that society holds in high regard. 

Not only do women respond to men who appear to be in high value, but you are simeltanously showing a number of things about yourself:

• Other people want and enjoy being around you.
• Society has a high respect for you so there must be something special about you.
• And simply, you are a valuable person.

All women want to be with someone that others will be impressed with, that they can show off, and that they can stand tall with, proud to call their significant other.

If you are someone that is of high value to society then you fit into these desires and consequently become a man worth chasing.

So how do we do we show this through online dating?  In the next blog I will teach you a trick or two on how to establish this value.

It is often difficult for me to plan and go out on dates during our season since work takes up so much of my time and I often work late and travel a lot. However, with the end of season this past weekend, I finally will have more time to devote to my personal life. It’s not that I am incapable of having a personal life during the season – it’s just hard to begin a relationship when I can’t commit the time and energy to it that I know is necessary in order to get it off the ground.

Even though it may seem strange, or even ridiculous, to some who read this, with the end of the college basketball season comes the start of “Dating Season” (if you will) for me. During the off-season my schedule is more flexible and comes closer to resembling that of what most people are accustomed to, and even though I can’t force a relationship to begin during the next few months I am excited about the opportunity to ramp up my efforts. 

With the knowledge that once next season starts it’s going to be hard to date unless it’s with someone I already have developed a strong foundation with, I know that during the off-season it is imperative that I actively try to meet women and go out on dates. This past season I learned firsthand how difficult it is to have so much of your time and energy devoted to work without having anyone special in your life to balance it out, and this is something that I’m going to do all I can this off-season to ensure doesn’t happen again next year.

Dear Tamar,

Can you please help me to find a way to start a conversation with a woman? Can you please tell me what subjects I should, or should not, talk about at the first meeting? Thanks in advance!

Dear Conversation Starter,

Great question! There are some cute ‘n catchy lines you can use to start a conversation. These include,  “I didn’t know they made Jews like you!” or you can just go the straight forward route with,  “Hi, my name is Tamar it’s nice to meet you.” To be perfectly honest, if a girl is interested it doesn’t matter what you say!

As for conversation topics to avoid, don’t discuss any baggage. Baggage includes past relationships, dramas, illnesses and other types of negativity-inducing subjects. Instead, concentrate on discussing positive topics like the things you have in common — your hobbies, favorite foods, pets, etc. And if you find the conversation could keep going all night, then parlay that into a second date!

Because of what I do for a living, many of my single friends – both male and female – are constantly asking me for advice. A lot of the time family and friends have also been asked, or have offered, advice (being typical Jews, it’s usually the latter). And when my friends relay to me the advice they receive, and sometimes even followed, I am flabbergasted! From advising singles to admit how they feel too soon to telling them to lay all baggage on the table, our loved ones (especially those that have been married more than ten years) have no clue about dating in today’s world. Ask enough people for their dating advice and eventually you’ll hear contradicting statements.

My favorite is when Moms tell their kids to “stop looking and you’ll find someone.” Ummm, no. Actually, not actively looking is detrimental to your dating life. The amount you’re out there looking is directly proportional to how much you date. If you’re not on 100hookup or going to hookup singles events or accepting blind dates – or all of the above – then you’re not going to meet someone. People only meet on the subway or at the gym in the movies. Sure, it happens in real life every once in a while, but why sit back and wait for love to come to you? Instead, go out there and find it, otherwise you’ll be waiting a looooong time!

The other popular piece of advice people get that I can’t stand is to be a “challenge.”  If you play hard to get than how will you be gotten? I’m not saying to lay it all out on the line, but anytime you’re trying to not try too hard, you’re going to fail. When you pretend not to be into someone, your date is going to think just that – that you’re not into him or her. Pretending like you’re always busy will make the other person think you don’t have time and are not willing to make time for them.

If you’re offered advice without having asked for it or if you ask for advice but totally disagree with the answer, don’t get into it with the other person. It’s not worth it. Merely thank them for the advice and say that you’ll take it into consideration. Married people think that because they’re no longer single that they know all. But just because a technique worked for them doesn’t mean it will work for everyone else. Even dating experts such as myself get it wrong sometimes. You need to follow your instincts above everything else. All the dating advice in the world won’t matter when you meet the right person at the right time and just go with the flow and live in the moment.

I am completely and utterly convinced that women can sense when a man who is interested in them is lacking in confidence. While some men are naturally better than others when it comes to pursuing and acting confidently around women I honestly believe that every male has the ability to boldly pursue a woman with the utmost poise.

While some men hold the attitude that they are “humanity’s gift to women” I think that for a majority of men we need to feel comfortable in a given situation in order to project the most self-assured version of ourselves. This is not to say that you won’t have success with a woman if on that particular occasion you brought your “B-Game,” but I do think that women can tell when a guy isn’t completely confident in what he’s saying and how he’s acting toward them.

Even though we’ve all seen teeny bopper movies where the stereotypically hot-shallow girl ends up falling for the nerdy socially awkward guy when she discovers his inner charm, this typically isn’t how things work in the dating world. Furthermore, how many times have you (men) heard your female friends say that they are, “looking for a guy with confidence,” or that, “they find confidence sexy”? In the end I may know very, very little about women, but what I do know is that most women are attracted to confident men and can smell fear on those who aren’t.

A recent television commercial for gum told me that the average person has twenty eight first kisses.  Wow, Stride® Gum.  Way to make an impossible claim that will not only make every person feel ugly but also simultaneously puzzle people who know what numbers are and mean.  I believe that a person has one first of anything they do.  That is the reason that people have a numbering system for things and activities. For example, the first time that I visited Canada will always be 1999 when I went to Vancouver.  The first time I rode a bicycle was 1989, when my parents taught me in our front yard.  My first kiss will always have been in 1997, and will always have been in a phone booth of a fancy hotel.

This commercial should be preceded by a disclaimer telling the viewer that, in the following commercial, we will replace the term ‘first kiss’ with ‘relationship.’  Also, nobody can know the exact number of kisses that everyone on earth has had, but Stride believes that every person in America is…promiscuous.  If the commercial, however, actually believes that a person can have a first anything more than once, they should be advertising a more progressive view of life.  Maybe the commercial was a subliminal advertisement for the Eastern idea of Karma.  I haven’t seen many commercials for Eastern Asian philosophy, but I am all for one:

“Chew our gum and a Sadguru will stop ritualistically killing you.  Also it is sugar-free so you won’t die of diabetes anymore.”

Whatever Stride Gum actually believes, it has taught me a lot.  I have had about eight or nine girlfriends. Therefore, I’ve had that many first kisses.  I don’t think my breath was minty fresh for any of them.  Now, I have no girlfriends.  I see a correlation that has nothing to do with stupidity, naivety, or mastery of the Russian language. My relationships have all failed because of my bad breath.

Most people in life live fairly logical lives.  We are presented with a decision and then must decide logically which decision is worth making.

These types of situations often occur on a date.  We may be having an outstanding time with a beautiful woman and want to extend the date.  It’s starts getting kind of late and the question pops up,

“So do you want to come over?” or “You want to do something else?”

This is where the rational part of the female mind steps in thinking of all the reasons why she should not come over.

“I have work tomorrow.” “I haven’t yet been to this person’s home, I feel uncomfortable.”  Etc.

When trying to present opposing reasons as to why these women should hang out anyway in a reasonable manner, it will be a lost cause.

Saying things such as, “You will be home early don’t worry about it.”  “I only live five minutes away.”  Or “Don’t worry, my house is in a great neighborhood” are a wasted cause.

Instead, you need to go on emotions.  Make the date so fun that she will throw rationality out the window.  Build attraction to such intense levels that she won’t care whether it’s a good idea.  Emotions are how to win over beautiful women, not rationality.  When people have enough fun they just do not care whether or not staying up until all hours is the most responsible thing because the sacrifice is worth it.

Master the art of doing so, and you will find your online pick up success increasing every day.

Hi Tamar,

I’m new to this whole online dating thing.  What’s the best way to go about it?

Thanks

Dear Let’s Get it Started,

My suggestion would be to first take a look at my past columns about creating a screen name, picking photos, writing “About Me” and choosing your preferences. Then use the search engine to check out your competition and see what their photos look like, how their paragraphs read and so on. Then take your time to craft your profile. Finally, ask some bluntly honest friends and/or family critique your profile. Once that’s done, go through your first round of matches and select who you want to Click!® with so they know you’re interested. Now go get JDating ®!