Archive for March, 2011

Dating is hard.  It could take years of dating (or doing nothing) before finding somebody that you would be willing to spend more than just a dinner with.  It may have been a long time since you shared a lunch with somebody of the opposite sex.  People go through many dinners in order to achieve one lunch.  After a certain point, some people reach a boiling point.  They’re sick of dates that always amount to nothing.  The body can only sustain so many accelerated heart beats due to an upcoming date before it starts to shut down.

In order to prevent full-body shutdown, people often put an end to their misery by settling.  That is, they pick from the pool of people they barely like and keep one for a more permanent relationship.  This relationship is doomed from the start.  Aside from this, they are using somebody for a temporary fix in their life.  They are not attracted to this person in any meaningful way.  They know that they will break up with this person as soon as they find someone better.  The other person is usually not aware of this, though.  This can only lead to disaster.  After you break-up with this person, he/she will often be heartbroken.  He/shewill temporarily lose faith in the concept of the couple, and will turn to a friend for a one-way platonic relationship.

I am only talking about this because I am often the go-to platonic friend, and I am growing tired.  If you are dating somebody just because you don’t want to be single, you are not doing yourself or your other half a favor.  Though I am far from being a dating expert, I can usually tell when someone is miserable.  You’re using somebody as a crutch, and you will get rid of them as soon as your leg is fixed, crushing them in the process.  You are not attracted (physically or non-physically) to this person.  Start dating somebody you actually like because I can’t take another platonic girlfriend.

I wasn’t particularly popular growing up in grade school or high school – I was never one of the “cool kids,” and wasn’t associated with any of the popular clicks; however regardless of the fact that I wasn’t “Mr. Popular” growing up I recently realized that, at least in one aspect of my life, I am popular now.

Certainly you could have a great high school experience, whether you were popular or not, if you found your niche. But those of us who didn’t find ourselves socializing with the high school elite knew who they were and, most of us, to at least a small degree, silently judged status and popularity. This being said, when it was brought to my attention recently that my profile could be found at the top of the first page of the “Most Popular” tab on 100hookup (for 22-32 year old males living in Chicago) I wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing.

The reason why I wasn’t necessarily enthused to be included at the top of the most popular list was that the distinction could lead people to make judgments or assumptions about me that I don’t feel are true or fair – namely that I am a 100hookup “player.” While I will admit that I do try to start correspondences with a lot of women, I don’t go out on dates just for the sake of going out, and I only continue correspondences and try to make plans with women I genuinely feel I have a chance of connecting with.

Ultimately, to varying degrees, how others perceive us isn’t always going to be under our control; however, I do think that people hurt themselves more (than the person they are judging) when they make assumptions about people they have made no attempt to get to know. With that in mind, I recently checked out the most popular section for 22-32 year old women living in Chicago, and tried to start conversations with the ones that I was interested in because, popular or not, I’m just trying to find the right person for me.

So I’m watching the finale of “The Bachelor” and it got me thinking about stereotypes in dating, specifically the dichotomy of aggressive women (i.e. Chantal) versus the damsel in distress (i.e. Emily). In the last episode, the final two women meet Bachelor Brad’s family and his relatives then tell him their honest opinion about which woman they think is right for him. First up was Chantal and Brad’s family seemed to really like her and they commented on her outgoing, friendly nature. They thought she would be great for Brad and that they would have a lot of fun together and that she wouldn’t put up with his antics. Then they met sweet Emily and heard her sob story (seriously, I sob every time I hear it) and watched her very ladylike, shy demeanor. Suddenly they were head over heels in love with her and wanted Brad to pick her.

Brad also appeared to have fun with Chantal but he was enraptured by Emily. With Chantal, he was her equal and she repeatedly pointed out to him that she would never let him “get away” with anything. Meantime, Brad got to be the hero for Emily and her daughter, he got to feel wanted and needed. As much as men say they want a strong, independent woman, when it comes right down to it, those traits are equated as masculine and what straight man wants a masculine woman?

The longer a woman is single, the more aggressive she becomes in her career and in her dating life and therefore the more independent she becomes as well. A 30-year-old woman knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go out and get it. My husband calls me “aggressive” constantly and I hate it, but it’s true. I was single until I was 28 and was in the very competitive world of broadcast journalism. My aggressiveness in the work arena without a doubt spilled into my dating world. But in my marriage that aggressiveness isn’t necessary. Women have been told over and over again that we are just as capable and therefore have a hard time giving up that power. I majored in Women’s Studies, so I have an even harder time admitting that I can’t do something and might possibly need a man’s help.

The more I try to think this out, the more I feel like I’m going in circles, because I vividly recall numerous circumstances where I gave a date the opportunity to open a door, put on my coat, pull out my chair, order for me, pay the bill, call me, ask me out, etc. and was rebuffed. Are men becoming too used to today’s women’s ways? Or did women become this way because men got lazy about chivalry? It seems counter-productive to tell single women to not “act aggressive” because the opposite of that is “weak” and weak women get walked all over by men. No one wants to be vulnerable. Why can’t a woman be ladylike and strong at the same time? Why are men threatened by a woman who doesn’t need him?

Again, I can debate both sides of this topic for hours. What it really comes down to is being yourself – a mixture of that successful woman at work and that vulnerable woman in love – so when a man comes along who complements your personality you aren’t hiding behind a wall of steel scared of getting hurt.

Scenario: Another night is about to begin. You hang up the phone, inform your date you’re on your way, pump those last two sprays of your favorite cologne on, and head out for a great potential date, full of hope and promise.

As you pull up to your date with a smile on your face, the smile slowly turns upside down and a sinking feeling in your stomach forms.

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

Anyone who has been online dating for long enough knows the feeling of meeting someone online that turns out to look nothing like their pictures.

Let’s face it, there are a lot of liars and deceivers out there. And while we can never completely avoid these people, there are definitely certain measures we can take to limit our exposure to these situations.

The following online dating tips are three red flags to look out for before meeting your date:

1. Every picture looks completely different. If you can’t figure out who the “real” person you are talking to is, avoid the date.

2. The pictures are taken at strange angles. Most of the time, strange angles mean the person is hiding something. There is nothing wrong with being heavy, but there IS something wrong with being deceptive about it.

3. There is only one profile picture. One picture means this person probably has something to hide or can’t find more than one decent picture of him or herself.

Look for these signs because they are often profile picture red flags!

We have all arrived exceptionally early to a date at one time or another.  ‘At one time or another’ is a horrible phrase that makes no sense when you break it down, but that is for another time, and another more grammar-oriented blog.  When I arrive early, it’s usually because I’d rather wait in the restaurant than at home because the restaurant almost always has alcohol, while your home only sometimes has alcohol, and even if it does, it’s less sad to drink at a restaurant amongst people than alone in your bathtub.

The moment arrives when your date is supposed to, well, arrive.  You sit nervously looking at the time on your cell phone every 3-5 seconds.  After the time that the two of you agreed upon passes, you panic because you may have gone to the wrong place.  After you check your text message confirming you are at the correct Olive Garden, you hope that your date arrives soon so as to postpone your impending heart attack.  After a good amount of time, it becomes obvious that your future wife is somewhat late.  You secretly hope that she doesn’t ever arrive so you won’t have to endure an hour and a half of brutally awkward silences, conversations and facial expressions.

Now, your date is over twenty minutes late.  It is hard to not feel like you have just been stood up.  Don’t worry. This is a perfect opportunity to look at all of the features of your cell phone that you never cared about looking at before.  First, check to see if it came preloaded with any games.  If you become bored with your phone, the next logical thing would be for you to walk around the restaurant asking every girl if her name is whatever your date’s name is.  She may have not seen you, and mistook some other guy for you.  This is why it is a good idea to go to all of the couples sitting at the restaurant and explain to the male that there may have been a mistake.  If that doesn’t work, at least you will have a black eye and a good story for work tomorrow.

Recently I asked a woman that I had been emailing with over 100hookup if she wanted to grab dinner or a drink sometime, and after replying yes she opted to give me her Gmail address instead of her phone number. Since I use Gmail, and have it open in my Internet browser all day at work, I had no problem with using it as our primary mode of communication for making plans. Since your Gmail address is linked to a profile that you set up with your basic information, when you send someone an email your first name, and not your email address, will appear.

Last Monday afternoon I was working on a project for several hours and immediately after I finished I thought to check my Gmail account to see if I had received any emails during that time which required a response. However, when I opened up my Gmail account I nearly had a heart attack since I initially thought I had an email from an ex-girlfriend that I had dated for a long time. Fortunately in the moment after I temporarily went into a panic-induced comma I realized that it wasn’t my ex-girlfriend who had emailed me, but rather the woman that I had been trying to plan a date with.

Since that incident I have thought a lot about the fact that they share the same name and whether or not that was weird. Perhaps there is some sort of protocol for this type of situation that I’m not aware of, but ultimately I don’t think I’ll know whether or not I have an issue with the fact that she and my ex-girlfriend have the same name until we actually go out on a date, and since we have one planned for this week I won’t have to wait very much longer.

Dear Tamar,

I can’t understand why I cannot meet anyone.  Most of the time, people don’t even respond.

Dear I Don’t Understand,

Dating is nothing more than a waiting game. You have to wait to meet someone, wait to go on a first and then a second date, wait for them to answer an email/ the phone/ a text, wait to see if this is “it” and so on. Therefore, the cliche “patience is a virtue” applies to dating more than to anything else. You have to keep pushing forward, sending out Flirts, Click!s, emails, instant messages and so forth until something happens. One of the great things about 100hookup is that no one except you knows that no one is responding — in other words, to be blunt, no one is witnessing you being rejected. So keep trying because it only takes one person to respond to make it all worth it.

You know that feeling. You can’t quite put your finger on it, you can’t find the words to describe it, it makes you act different and you think you even believe to look different. It’s been nagging you ever since your last date. You can’t concentrate, your stomach is jittery, you can’t stop smiling, everything is sunny and happy even when it isn’t, the nervous anticipation makes you hopeful every time your phone makes a sound, you can’t sit still, and you suddenly are hopeful for the future all because… of that feeling.

You think you have met the one even though you have only met him or her once. There’s just something there, something intangible, but it is something and the best part is that it feels mutual (although you haven’t quite said so, you can feel that too). All you want to do is think about this person all day long, talk on the phone, text each other, and talk about him or her to your family, your friends, the stranger in the elevator, whomever will listen. You’re just so darn excited because you’ve never felt this way before. Or if you have, it’s been a long, long time and this feeling is so very different than the last time. Usually you get the opposite feeling – the one where you know that your date is so very much not the one that you want to leave before appetizers are served. But when one date leads to another and another and another with barely any time in between and yet you can’t stop thinking about, talking about and waiting to see each other during those short breaks then you know you’ve got something good.

Likely it will happen when you least expect it  — it could be the 1st or the 300th profile you looked at on 100hookup, it could happen instantly on your first date or not until your fifteenth date — but eventually it will happen and it’s the best feeling in the world.

In the last blog entry I discussed the importance of showing that you are a somebody of high value in society.  This is a great tool that will trigger a woman’s interest, gain her attention and, consequently, make her more attracted to you.

The reason is simple:  You are establishing that you are someone special in society whom other people want to be around.  Valuable people are not only valuable to society, but valuable to women, as well, making you someone that they will want to be around.

Today I will discuss one way that you can establish this value in the online dating world.

Use your profile pictures.

Profile pictures shouldn’t merely be used to show pictures of yourself in a flattering light.   While they should look good, photos are also a great opportunity to establish value.

Find profile pictures that show you in a light that draws women to you. 

Maybe you were at a part,  surrounded by some beautiful women, and you have a picture of it.  This shows you have value among beauitful women and are used to being surrounded by women. 

Do you have a great job, where you attend events that not many people get to go to?  This again shows value.

Maybe you have a great car that you have a picture of yourself standing next to.  Again, value.

There are a million and one ways to show value within your pictures.  Get into the habit of doing so and you will find women will be more drawn to your pictures online and, consequently, more into you!

Recently I’ve noticed that as the weather has steadily improved in Chicago, more people are logging onto 100hookup. Maybe it’s just a coincidence but personally I think that when people look out their windows and see snow and ice covering the streets they are much less likely to have the desire to leave their homes in order to go out on a date. Braving the elements to go out on a first date with someone you’ve never met can be a bit of a stretch at times; however, as the seasons change, I believe so do the mindsets of many people.

Even if you are unsure about going out with someone, agreeing to go for coffee or on a walk through a neighborhood is something you might do anyway if the weather was nice, and therefore are more likely to give the date a chance. Also, in my opinion, the spring is an ideal time to try to meet someone since then you’ll have a special person to do all of those fun summer activities with. Right now, as we start to see more of the sun and the days get longer, it’s the perfect time to break free from your winter dating slumber and get back out there. The built in excuse of it being too cold and gross outside is gone, and outdoor activities are back in play when planning dates. So go out and have fun because spring has sprung and so to can your social life!