Archive for March, 2011

I am the first one to admit that I’m really bad at interpreting signals that women give me at the end of a date that indicate whether or not they are interested in going out again. I know that there are certain subtle verbal or physical clues that I should be able to pick up during the course of a date, but for whatever reason I am seemingly illiterate when it comes to reading women. Furthermore, I fully acknowledge that I should be able, at least a majority of the time, to determine from a woman’s words and gestures whether she’s interesting in going out again, but it still seems like I always end up misreading the situation.

Maybe other men have this problem as well, but it seems like I am particularly terrible in this regard, which is a fact that has become exceedingly frustrating. To be honest I’m really tired of misreading women and having them tell me after the date, or on the phone the next day that they had a good time but didn’t want to go out again. Perhaps it is in the previous statement where my confusion ultimately lies since when I have a good time with someone I typically want to see them again; however I know that not everyone thinks the way that I do.

Personally I try not to think too much on dates, and generally subscribe to the idea that if I have a good time with someone that we should go out again and see where things go, but I know that not everyone has this perspective, and I just need to keep trying to do my best to understand their individual dating language

 In my previous blog entry I discussed how Facebook is becoming directly tied to online dating. Women will frequently want to check your Facebook to see if you are who you really say you are before providing a phone number.

Today I would like to talk about ways to make your Facebook account is worthy of those who check them. We want to update our profile with as many attraction builders as possible and avoid attraction killers at the same time. The following are a few suggestions for doing so:

1. Update your photo galleries. Infuse the pictures with attraction builders that create demand and high social value.

 2. Take down tagged photos that possess attraction killers. We don’t want any negative photos reducing attraction, showing us in a bad light, or making women think we are not exactly the most ideal candidates for a relationship.

3. Fix up that wall. If you have comments that show you in a bad light, take them down. On the flip side, keep comments that build value, especially ones from other women.

4. Don’t have too many messages from other women. Messages from multiple women show’s value (value is a key part of attraction building). Too many messages  will  make you look like a player and potentially have a negative effect.

Follow these guidelines and keep your Facebook profile in check.  These days this is more important than ever.

I do not know how many people read this blog.  When I started writing here, I was told that I would get thousands of readers.  Again, I don’t know how many people read this, but if it’s thousands, then I am not a good writer.  You would think that if thousands of people read this, then the last comment that this blog got wouldn’t have been years ago to a post someone wrote about Jennifer Aniston being hookup (which she is not).

If you read this blog, and you are not the parents of any of the bloggers, please let us know, because we are losing faith that anything we write is being read.  It’s almost as if I am writing to myself.  My mom said I should change my blogging picture, but I am pretty sure that I look similar in any picture of myself.  In fact, any picture taken of me over the past seven years looks strikingly similarly like myself.

If you are reading this, please go to my 100hookup profile and let me know.  You don’t even have to be a girl.  If I receive an anonymous flirt that is obviously from someone that doesn’t have a subscription and says something like “How is it that you haven’t been snatched up yet?” I will be perfectly happy.  I will let the other 100hookup Bloggers know of any encounters that I make with the rest of the world.

All of the bloggers on here are extremely talented and passionate about what they say.  From the dating experts, who actually do get readers, to the simple 100hookuprs® that are fortunate enough to write on this site, we are all just looking for some kind of contact.  We often spill our souls to strangers in the vain hope that somebody has had a shared or similar experience.  If I knew that one person read what I wrote, and it made them laugh or cry, or even feel angry, vengeful, or cynical, I would be extremely happy.  Shower in the sequence of sorrows that is my life.

Dear Tamar,

So I have been debating with 2 other friends who also have profiles about the best way to approach a girl on 100hookup. My guy friend and I feel that a 2-3 sentence email asking the girl about something in their profile (EX: she likes books, what’s your favorite book, but not that boring, I promise!) is the best way to approach a girl. However, our friend that’s a girl says an IM is the best way to approach a girl on 100hookup. Thoughts?

Dear The Approach,

I would agree with you guys (surprised I didn’t side with the girls?). Back in the day when I was on 100hookup, an email that showed some thought and effort was put into it always impressed me more than  random Instant Messages. That said, I liked I.M.’s because we got to jump right into a conversation and could see if something flowed (while, of course, I quickly scanned their profile to see if we were a match). The best thing would be an I.M. after the exchange of 2 e-mails where a phone number is asked for and given and then the relationship moves off the computer and to the phone.

Remember back in college when you were taking a bunch of classes for your major, and during the course of the semester all of the information would begin to mesh together and overwhelm your fragile college brain? Sure we all had friends or acquaintances who were conscientious students and constantly reviewed all of the material for their classes so they could keep it all neatly compartmentalized in their heads, but for many people that is the college ideal not the reality. So what did the rest of us less diligent students do to combat our apathy and earn respectable or, at the very least, passing grades: We crammed. The night before a big exam we stayed up all night trying to jam as much information on a particular subject into our brains as was humanly possible in an attempt to overcome the fact that we had neglected to truly learn the material.

The other night, while I was driving to grab drinks with a woman I had met on 100hookup, I realized that I was drawing a blank of much of the information she had told me about herself during the course of our previous email correspondence. Part of the problem was that information from my other conversations with women on 100hookup had blended together in my head with this one and unfortunately, as I drove to meet her, I could no longer properly discern which facts, characteristics and stories were uniquely hers. Since I have been active on 100hookup for a while now I have gone out on enough first dates to not panic in the face of such self-inflicted adversity, and realized that I would be fine if I just went with the natural flow of conversation, and didn’t ask too many questions I should probably already know the answer to.

The date ended up going well, and thankfully I was able to avoid repeating any questions or telling any stories that had already come up in our emailing. On my way home after dropping her off I was honestly a little bothered by the fact that I couldn’t remember many facts from our previous email conversation, and that I was confusing it with others I was currently having with other women on 100hookup. Even though I don’t believe that this situation means I’m a bad person I have been trying to think of a way to avoid this type of situation from reoccurring in the future, and after pondering that question for the rest of the night I ended up thinking of only one viable solution, which did take me back to my college days, that I should skim through recent emails (or cram) before I go out on dates in the future.

There is a new trend sweeping across the online dating world that is not going to slow down any time soon.

I refer to this as:  The Facebook identity check

The Facebook identity check is when a woman asks for your Facebook information prior to that final step of giving out her phone number.

The reason for this is she wants to ensure that you are who you really claim to be.  In addition, this will enable her to assess your personality, see what your interactions with friends are like, and judge who you truly are, as opposed to who you claim to be on dating sites.

It is very easy for people to be deceptive through online dating sites and trick potential daters.

On the flip side, it is very hard to be deceptive on Facebook unless you religiously monitor what is being tagged, commented, etc.

So guys, get your Facebook in check because this can make or break you.  Especially if your pick up comes during an instant messaging conversation.

All you males out there should also incorporate all the critical online dating tips of building attraction through your Facebook profiles (as we discussed how to do in previous blogs). Doing this is will not only prevent a last second fumble, but will take attraction to new levels.

The longer you have dated a person, the longer you are willing to wait for them to finish anything.  When you pick up a girl from her house the first time, she answers the door and leaves with you almost immediately.  She is either really excited about going out with you or is so self-conscious about her home that she will not give you the pleasure of seeing the inside of her front door.

The next time you pick her up, it’s a good minute before she answers the door.  She lets you inside, but only to wait in the front room.  She apologizes for her huge, intrusive dog while simultaneously yelling at it.  As she shoves the dog away, she tells you to make yourself at home as she runs upstairs to get her purse.  Just as you are beginning to get comfortable and start to make the place like your home, she is ready to go.

Once you arrive for the third time to pick her up, she doesn’t care anymore.  It might take two minutes for her to answer the door, and she will not care if her giant ogre dog tackles you to the ground.  As you lie on the floor crying, she’s already upstairs yelling on the phone to her mother.  From here, it could take anywhere from five minutes to a day before she comes down again.  By this time, you have developed a complex relationship with her dog.  You are entirely comfortable and have finally made yourself at home on her couch.  You are on your third hour of MSNBC’s Lock Up and know exactly what it’s like to live in a high-security prison.  You have forgotten where you are as you and Buster stare aimlessly towards the television.  (You have named the dog Buster because you couldn’t understand whatever name your date was yelling at it.)  Now, you are in a relationship.

Dear Tamar,

I’m nearly 60 and my wife is terminally ill with cancer, living with round-the-clock nursing care under home hospice. I’m on an emotional roller coaster which levels out when I have contact with people outside of my home. That said, I’ve been trying to meet women on 100hookup for very casual meetings, but as soon as I describe my situation, I become radioactive. Should I stay home til she dies? Make up a different story? Can you think of a way I can explain this without scaring people away?

Dear Waiting to be a Widow,

I think any woman would cringe upon hearing your story and understandably so. Your wife, although dying (and my sincerest condolences, I hope she’s not suffering), is still alive. I’m not sure 100hookup is the place for you right this minute, but once you’re done grieving it’s a different story, because honestly I don’t think there’s any way to describe your situation without scaring people away. Try to put yourself in their shoes — if you heard your story out of a woman’s mouth you would be scared, too. I hope you find people to socialize with outside the home to help you keep your sanity and I hope you one day find someone on 100hookup to spend the rest of your life with.

My friend Jessica* met a guy named Mike on 100hookup and they’ve gone on a bunch of dates already. On their fifth date he came to her place to pick her up and asked her if it would be okay to stop by a friend’s house for an hour where a bunch of his friends would be. She said sure, after all it meant he wanted her to meet his friends, and they headed off. It wasn’t until he rang the doorbell that he told her that the hostess was his ex-girlfriend. They’ve been “just” friends for a couple of years and she has a serious boyfriend now. Jessica was stunned. It wasn’t a huge deal, but it would have been better for Mike to have been straight up about whose party it was from the start. There was no going back at this point, so Jessica pasted a smile on her face and introduced herself to the hostess.

Mike’s ex-girlfriend was incredibly friendly and tried to get chummy with her. But in an effort to befriend Jessica, the ex made some of the most inappropriate comments and asked some of the most inappropriate questions I’d ever heard. She tried to bond with Jessica by asking her if she was also annoyed by waking up in Mike’s bed to find his cat sitting on her head. Well, this being Jessica and Mike’s fifth date, she hadn’t had the privilege of spending the night yet but didn’t feel that was information she needed to share. Then the ex told Jessica she wished that Mike would teach her new boyfriend how to give a body massage. Again, not an experience Jessica had yet had and found the entire situation incredibly awkward. I think the ex may still have feelings for Mike and I have no idea if Mike is oblivious to this or just playing dumb.

How soon is too soon to introduce a new date to an ex that you happen to now be friends with? If you have to lie about where you’re going until you’re at the door, then it’s too soon. If you’re still able to count the number of dates you’ve been on on both hands, then it’s too soon. If you haven’t yet had “The Talk” then it’s too soon. If your ex doesn’t know how to be nice without being totally inappropriate, then it’s too soon. If you have any inclination that you’re ex might still have feelings for you, then it’s too soon. This goes for both girls and guys. Meeting an ex is intimidating and even more so when the ex mentions intimate tidbits.

Jessica was a class act and didn’t exchange any information besides to say that she and Mike had just recently started dating. She also didn’t mention any of this to Mike because she didn’t want to start any trouble. It bugged her and she is filing away the information in the back of her mind but the experience didn’t eliminate him. After all, it was his ex that was acting classless, not Mike. I told her that, in the future, if Mike were to ask if she wanted to hang out with his friends that she should nonchalantly ask which ones before agreeing. If the “friends” once again included his ex, she should say that she’d rather just hang out with him one-on-one some more. No guy is going to have a problem with that!

*all names have been changed

Every guy knows the awful feeling of walking up to a woman at a bar and being rejected.  Unless you have extremely solid self esteem, this can cripple you mentally, shatter confidence and make you want to give up picking up women altogether. 

Perhaps even worse than the actual rejection is the mocking of your pick up by friends, or other people at the bar who witnessed your rejection.

This humilation often leads to men fearing any type of public approach.

In actuality, this mocking by others is probably because these men are too scared to do it themselves and take their inadequecies out on others. 

This is why I always suggest surrounding yourself with people that are supportive and will encourage you.

What does this have to do with online dating?  Online dating should be no different. 

The way we improve our online pick up skills is not only by studying, practicing, and learning the art of online pick up, but by sharing and learning from others, as well.

Having a strong support system that is there to help will contribute ideas, point out mistakes, and steer you in the right direction. You will also gain confidence even when things go less than perfect with your online pick up.

This support system will not only pick you up when you are down, but will be a huge asset to improving your game.  You can even find this type of support through online dating forums if you do not know anybody involved.

So surround yourself with others who are both positive and  into online pick up.  It will only benefit you long term.