Archive for February, 2011

Dear Tamar,

I am an attractive, independent young woman. I have been on 100hookup for well over a year. I hardly get any “hits,” and often when I go out on a limb and make the first move to contact a man, I get no response back. I have had male friends comb through my profile and photos to see if there is any glaring reason as to why men don’t contact me, and they, too, can’t understand! I’m often asked by intelligent and handsome men (albeit non hookup men) why I am single, I get cat calls and looks when walking down the street, and all of the truckers wink at me when I am driving… so why do I have so much trouble attracting men online? I just don’t understand. Maybe you can enlighten me…am I doing something wrong???

Dear Hit or Miss,

I’m sorry you’re not having a good experience thus far on 100hookup, but I do believe that together we can turn it around for you. Even though you’ve had male friends vet your profile, I would recommend starting from scratch: new profile name, new photos, new blurbs and even adjusted preferences. It doesn’t matter what your friends think at this point because you haven’t gotten any hits, so you need a total profile makeover. Hide your profile and then spend the next few weeks taking new photos of yourself, spend some time jotting down new name ideas and sit down to make a realistic list the qualities you want your ideal mate to have. Once you’re ready, un-hide your profile and start “Click!”-ing your matches so the men know you’re interested. Before you unveil your new profile, remember to shake off your past experience and don’t let it haunt your future.

Hi Tamar:

I just read your post “Never Been Married” from January 19 about your friend who met a 40 year old who has never been married or come close to it.

Characterizing those of us who are in our 40s and haven’t married yet as “over the hill” and “too picky until it was too late” is just so biased. There is no age limit or restriction for when people get married. And just because the majority of people do it in their 20s and 30s, doesn’t make the rest of us wrong or abnormal.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your email! I completely agree that there’s no age limit and that not having been married by your 40th birthday doesn’t make you abnormal. My concern is when someone reaches the age of 40 and hasn’t been in a serious, long-term relationship. There is someone (or more than one someone) for everyone and some people just meet them later in life. I believe that every relationship throughout your life helps shape the person you are, so it’s imperative to have both made a commitment and have had your heart broken by the age of 40.

Today I would like to discuss a skill that online daters often neglect within their day-to-day interactions.  The skill involves preparing with transitions that can be used within an online conversation.

A transition is the concept of following up your initial conversation opener with something interesting to keep the conversation going.    Although most people do not worry about this aspect of online dating, being unprepared leaves you in a potentially vulnerable position. 

Many people often start up an Instant Messaging conversation, only to find themselves quickly running out of things to say.  This can blow up in the person’s face and destroy a potential match. 

Instead, take the time to read the profile and come up with a bunch of things that you will plan on saying.  Or, develop transitional material that those of us who are advanced at online dating always come armed with. 

Whatever you do, do not fall into the trap of resorting to boring small talk!  This often means two words:  GAME OVER.

I’m not really big on using the 100hookup instant messaging system to chat with women online and, instead, I mostly prefer to correspond via email, gradually building up the conversation from a few sentences to a point where we feel comfortable enough to go out on a first date. However, one of the ways that I find women whom I’m potentially interested in opening a conversation with is to go on the website at night and check out who’s online.

I’ll usually spend at least a few minutes each night during the week skimming through profiles of people online and then shooting quick messages or flirts out to the ones that I want to begin a correspondence with. Although, over time, I have noticed that certain nights are more popular as it pertains to people being on the website. Certainly Friday and Saturday nights are the scarcest when it comes to people who are online, but in recent weeks I’ve noticed that Sunday seems to be the most popular day.

While I don’t know the exact reason why Sunday is such a hopping night for being on 100hookup, my guess is that people are apt to log on and spend a little extra time on the site on Sundays since, for many people, they haven’t checked their home page in a few days. Of course, with a greater number of individuals online there are more opportunities to spot people that you are potentially interested in; however, it also means that there is more competition, so if you are considering joining the 100hookup Sunday night party might I suggest logging on early before everyone is already engaged in a conversation.

If you are not literally rolling in hundred dollar bills like a manic hookup rock star, then you have probably felt the tug on your wallet during a date.  The tug is probably not coming from a homeless person trying to steal from you. What I am speaking of is more of a metaphorical force pushing against your modest budget.  There are several obvious alternatives to a fancy restaurant or bar.  Picnics, the beach (if you are near water), bike riding, or museum-visiting are all horrible options and I would agree to none of them.  On top of that, if you take a date bike riding through your neighborhood, s/he may have questions like: Does this person own a car?  Or: Why are we weaving through a mobile park?  Even on a creative cheap date, the other person might suspect something.

This is why you need to become a millionaire.  Might I suggest the lottery?  I might.  If I did, that would be a terrible suggestion.  Should you turn to a life of crime?  Perhaps.  Again, not the most advisable course of action.  If you live in West Texas, it is highly likely that, sometime in your life, you will come across a satchel with two million dollars in it after a drug deal gone awry.  In order to keep the money, though, you must escape the clever man hired to kill you.  Or you could rent No Country for Old Men from a convenient Redbox.

Personally, I try to schedule my dates around the times that I would have the most money (for example, after payday).  That way, there is less pressure on you if your date orders a whole lobster or wine from a golden bottle.  Also, if you do not have paydays on a regular basis, you either have no job, or you have a really good job.  In either case, my advice will not help you at all.

Back in the Kibitz Corner, 100hookup wants to know “Who/what inspires you?”

The following answers might make you laugh. Others might make you cry. But whatever your reaction, all (we hope) will make you think:

• The empty pages in my passport (more stamps…more stamps!)

LanieInTh…, 33, Single, Woman seeking a Man, New York, NY ▪

• Amazing people: Nancy Brinker, who started the Susan G. Komen Foundation from the ground up after her sister died of Breast Cancer at age 36; Ruth Handler, who was the entrepreneurial genius behind Mattel Toys and who dreamed up Barbie (the doll); Harry Bernstein, who wrote his first book (“The Invisible Wall” about growing up hookup in a Manchester slum) in his mid-nineties…

JersieGirl, 60, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Saint Louis, MO ▪

• Humor. My grandmother always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

TheRealMc…, 40, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Ponte Vedra Beach, FL

• Those that have an unwavering strength, vision and faith to battle any form of Cancer while simply taking what has been unfortunately dealt to them in stride. My 32 year old cousin is a hero to me.

Chef1688, 50, Single, Man seeking a Woman, N Potomac, MD

• My Identity; being hookup. Seinfeld and Matzo Balls… what’s not to love?

Snafu, 23, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Toronto, Canada

• People who don’t care what other people think and pursue their values without sacrificing honor. Alan Watts, Einstein and Thoreau are some people who inspire me.

FnyUDntLk…, 30, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Encino, CA

• My friend who is 77 and has a boyfriend who is 20 years younger…and can barely keep up with her!

RhythmOfLife, 56, Widowed, Woman seeking a Man, Cherry Hill, NJ

• Good journalists doing their jobs: afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted.

RyanG3215, 24, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Berkeley, CA

• My Aunt Edith. She is 85, survived Auschwitz and a death march. Yet, even now, she has an amazingly positive attitude. I’ve never heard a peep of self pity from her. She always manages to elicit in me a sense of wonder and gratitude.

118806641, 44, Single, Man seeking a Man, New York, NY

• Michael Jordan, Warren Buffett, Steve Jobs and Richard Branson; people that went against what everyone was telling them to do because they knew, deep down, their plan was going to pan out and change the world.

bhawk34, 26, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Long Grove, IL

Dear Tamar,

I recently went on a first date and on the way home I gave her a specialty chocolate bar because she had mentioned she loved them.  She texted me later that night saying thank you and she had a nice time.  I called her the next day and the day after that and got no respone.  She then called me and after 10 minutes she got a call she had to take.  She texted me asking if we could talk the following evening.  After a day of no return call, I then called again and texted one final time the next day. No response.  My problem is I obviously didn’t get the message she wasn’t interested when she didn’t return my calls.  But I was thrown off by her text and previous call back.  And where is the courtesy of even just an email saying thank you but we aren’t a match?  I feel I deserved that much and I was so stressed all week because I did like her and was hoping to plan a second date.  Sadly this happens all the time.  I always communicate after a date, good or bad.  Why do woman do this?  Do they think it’s ok?  Are they doing it because guys have done that all the time to them?  It is very upsetting and makes me not want to date at all.

Dear No Reply Rejection,

Both men and women are guilty of not responding when they’re not interested but I’m sorry it seems to happen to you more often. It sounds like you did everything right but she simply wasn’t feeling you. You’ve made all the effort you can; anymore and you’re infringing upon stalker status. She was definitely sending mixed signals by texting you and calling you back but at the end of the day it’s time to cut your losses. Please continue to call women even after a bad date to let them know you’re not interested, it’s good karma. Don’t become that guy because you’ve had unfortunate run-ins with rude women.

Dear Tamar,

I met someone on 100hookup in another country and actually met him recently when I was in his country on business. We met twice during that trip and since then we’ve kept up a friendly relationship via e-mail. Recently, I tried to learn whether he plans to visit me when he comes to see his family who lives near me or if he thinks our connection could be developed in the future since I’m already planning to immigrate. Thus far he’s only replied that we are friends and he likes to talk but didn’t refer to the future. I would really like to become more serious with him but I’m afraid to push him to answer me about his future wishes but I really want to know if he could be interested in me romantically? I would appreciate your help very much.

Dear Far-Reaching Fling,

I think your beau is probably a little hesitant to commit to someone who currently lives in another country that he’s only met twice even if you are planning on emigrating. Between now and the time you move to his country, stop putting pressure on him to talk about the future and just get to know each other better. You may find you’re no longer interested in him once you get to know him better or you may find that you’re now the “cool, no-pressure chick” he’s excited to spend more time with once you move. And, of course, make sure you’re moving for the right reasons.

In the last blog I discussed the concept of using a context opener with your potential date.  A context opener is when you open up a conversation relating to something that has to do with what is currently occurring in every day life or pop culture at the moment.

Today I am going to discuss a different type of opener – “Humor Openers.” A humor opener is just how it sounds.  Opening up the conversation in a way that invokes a laugh and a potentially humorous conversation.

Why do we want to sometimes open the conversation in this manner?  Most women simply become bored after they have been online dating and, after a while, being opened up with the same questions over and over again.  This translates to one word: BORING. 

Women want to laugh, be entertained and know that they will have fun if they eventually go on a first date.

Using a humor opener will raise eyebrows, instantly peak interest and have women give you that opportunity you are looking for.  Once the opportunity is given, it is up to you to keep the conversation going, which is why you should always be prepared with a transition.  In my next blog I will teach you the art of transitioning the conversation.

Since moving back to Chicago permanently in August I have made it my goal to be more social and, in turn, bring some much-needed balance to my life. Not only have I tried to see friends and go out more frequently, but I have also attempted to meet women and go out on dates. Most of the women I’ve gone out with I have met on 100hookup since my job takes up much of my time and energy, especially during the season.

While online dating has overall been a very good experience for me, and has led to two relationships (for lack of a better word) that have lasted longer than 2 months, most of my interactions with women I meet online result in only an exchange of emails or a single date. In some of these situations I have been the one who ended things because I lost interest or didn’t feel a spark when we went out, but in other cases it has been them who has moved on.

Regardless, the simple fact that I have continued to talk to women and go out on dates intermittently is something that I know is good for me and that I need to continue. Although recently I’ve gone out on several first dates that I was excited about, however none of them resulted in a second date. In a few cases I decided not to ask them out again, but in the others they have been the ones who lacked interest. In either case since the season started back in mid-November I haven’t gone out on any dates where both of us had a good time, felt a spark and wanted to go out again.

In spite of my lack of dating success over the past few months I can honestly say that I haven’t become frustrated or disenchanted with the process because I know that dating can be very unpredictable. Additionally, part of my life philosophy is that things tend to happen when we least expect them to, and I know that unless I continue to go out on dates it is highly unlikely that a woman, and relationship, will just magically appear.