Archive for February, 2011

Dear Tamar,

I recently accepted a Sunday brunch as a first date from a widower. He mentioned that a year had passed since he’s become a widower and he was seriously seeking a partner to share his life with. He also made remark about an upcoming dinner date where a woman was going to meet some of his friends. Aside from this awkward comment, the date was lovely and as we parted he suggested a second date.

Another weekend passed, phone calls and emails when finally a date was proposed by email but not for another two and a half weeks, again on a Sunday but this time for dinner. He seemed like a relatively normal guy, so accepting the date wouldn’t have been out of the question except clearly I’m not at all on this man’s dating radar with a month between dates selected on Sundays.

Should I just say I’m unavailable, not answer, or acknowledge that he find me if and when his dating schedule opens up? I certainly understand dating a number of people simultaneously as you attempt to find the one, I do likewise. But he’s asking me to make an hour long trip back and forth on a work night when I’m obviously not a priority. It seems incongruent.

Dear Inconsistently Interested,

I think you already know the answer to your question, otherwise you wouldn’t bother asking, right? It sounds like you just want reassurance that rejecting the date is the right thing to do. But, and this is a big BUT, it is possible that he was dating someone, it got serious but didn’t work out, and now he’s getting back in touch with you because he felt a connection. You could accept the date but go on it knowing not to expect much and hopefully be happily surprised. It sounds like this guy caught your fancy so if you’re still unsure just ask him what’s going on. He may be surprised by the question and you may not like the answer, but if it’s going to continue to bother you then why not ask? Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I live in a mid-size Southern city where the hookup population is very limited. Let me start out by saying that I cannot move because of business reasons. I am sure that they are lots of Jews in the U.S. who simply do not live in an area where there lots of Jews but still want to marry hookup and raise their families hookup. But simply put, the demographic is tough. I do not have the luxury of living on the East or West Coast, Chicago, South Florida, or even Atlanta. Nothing would make me happier than to find a nice hookup girl who wants to settle down and have a family. BTW, I am 45, never married and am very happy with my life other than the fact that I cannot find a nice hookup girl who wants to settle down and have family. It is challenging to  logistically “import” one. What suggestions do you have? Have you ever dealt with this issue before?

Dear Geographically Challenged,

You’re in quite a predicament. If there aren’t any hookup gals in your town or surrounding area, then you’re going to have to, as you say “import” one… although in a much more polite fashion. Your 100hookup profile needs to read that you live in a great, but smaller town for business and are looking to meet women who would be willing to start in a long distance relationship and ultimately move to your town. This is not as complicated as it sounds, you’d be surprised how many women would move for love — I did! That said, you don’t want a woman who is willing to drop everything and then ends up relying on you for her happiness. I am a freelance writer and can carry on my business from anywhere in the world, so a woman who’s career is computer-centric would be perfect for you. On your end, you’ll have to be open to meeting women from anywhere, fly out to meet them and host them when they come to you. You are asking a lot, which means you have to be willing to make sacrifices on your end. My husband and I are living proof that it can be done, so don’t give up hope. You have the right attitude and the right idea, now you gotta go out and find your girl.

In today’s blog, “Online dating advice I hate,” I would like to discuss those that provide advice which encourages online daters to act the same way with every person they attempt to date.

How many articles have you read where some expert says to just do this, this, and this, and you will be guaranteed to succeed!

The truth is, not all of us are born in the same mold and we are far from carbon copies of each other.  The many principles of what needs to be done hold true.  Learning how to properly build attraction, push past competition, generate interest, etc.

However, within these broad principles there are certain intricacies that must be adapted to whomever you are trying to pick up.  For example, teasing a woman about her looks if she is not the greatest looking women will come off as rude and offensive, and possibly hurtful.   However, teasing a beautiful women about her looks may generate attraction, create a chase, and generate more interest.   Each woman is unique and your comments must be adapted to their specific characteristics as well as their innate personality traits.

Remember, if there is one thing that you don’t want to do when it comes to online dating, its spam generic conversations to every girl out there.

So don’t listen to all of these so called experts that inform you to behave and act in universal ways with every girl.  Learn the philosophies that work than tailor your game more specifically in order to be highly effective.

I assume that everybody experiences a certain degree of anxiety before a date.  That is, unless they are models who are dead inside.  If you fall under the first category, it is difficult to overcome.  People tell you to not think about it, but that’s all you think about it.  This is why I propose that I have nothing to propose.  I really don’t know what to do here.  You don’t want to be nervous for three days.

Here is one suggestion: Cancel the date two nights before it occurs.  The next day, ask if you can un-cancel it. This may make the date feel like he/she has a second chance with you.  This is leverage in your favor.  Now you are in charge, and can dictate the date based on the premise that your date is not in control of you, when in reality, he/she probably is.  Now that you have falsely convinced yourself that you are in control, your counterfeit confidence can be used in your favor.  Silences in between conversations are no longer ‘awkward pauses.’ They are now ‘power silences.’  Don’t even think about what to talk about next.  Let your date do this.  Therefore, not only will you not feel awkward, but you will let your date talk, letting him/her speak his/her mind.

At the end of the date, don’t go in for a kiss.  Don’t even try to hug.  Simply say “goodbye” and see what happens. If he/she wants to kiss you, he/she will. If not, there will probably not be another date, and you don’t have to worry about calling your date back.  Power silences are the only way to excellence.

What does it say about me, and my online dating prowess, that the other night after logging on and viewing who else was online I realized, as I scrolled through the list of women, that I had talked to or declined to talk to, pretty much all of them. For gosh sakes of the 20 or so women online at that time I had gone out on a first date with almost half of them! After this realization I quickly got offline and decided I needed to take a night off from JDating®.

It’s not that I spend all night every night on the site trying to talk to women, but I do scan who’s online most evenings and have been active since the summer. Even though 100hookup is always welcoming new members, the number of them that fall into the various parameters I have set up for myself on the site is apparently slower then the rapid pace I talk to the women already on.

While I don’t think that this necessarily illustrates anything negative about the way that I conduct myself on 100hookup I was forced to re-evaluate my approach after getting this perspective on just how active I am on the site. Even though I am someone who tries to give thoughtful responses to emails, and doesn’t want to lead anyone on, after thinking about it I realized that as I’ve become more comfortable on the site I do attempt to talk to more women.

As a result of my new casual approach perhaps I have blurred my ideas of what I’m looking for in a partner and relationship, which could be why none of my first dates in the last 3 months have led to a second. Ultimately I don’t know why I’ve been in a bit of dating rut recently; however, perhaps this most recent realization will help me go back to being more discerning about who I talk to, and therefore will be able to find a woman whom I have a true spark with.

Why are these women so rude!

Sometimes online dating can give a false perception of how all the women out there truly are.  Let’s face it; many women often come across as rude, and sometimes even mean, when men try to pick them up online.

Why do they come off this way?  The answer is usually because many of these women are being bombarded with upwards of 50 emails a day.  It’s nearly impossible for some of these women to write back to every guy in a way that is “nice.”  This results in many emails or instant messages either getting completely ignored, or short responses that are intended to let the male down easy.

Unfortunately, many guys out there fail to realize this and do not always take the lack of response well.  Many guys will even lash out and accuse the women of being just plain rude or mean.

Instead of assuming a girl is rude or mean, find ways to approach women that will ignite  interest and curiosity, allowing you to push away all the competition out there and be first in line for a response.  Finding the proper way to open is your best way to improve your responses and have a completely effective online pick up.

100hookup is programmed to automatically send an email whenever someone on the site sends me a message, but that doesn’t always keep me from obsessively checking the site just in case. During the time that I’ve been active on the site it has never failed to send an automated email to me within minutes of my being sent a message; however, there are still times when I can’t help but double check.

On these rare occasions when I compulsively log on to 100hookup the reason for my behavior is always that I am eagerly anticipating an email from someone that I’ve been corresponding with. In this scenario what specifically causes me to compulsively check the site for new emails is that the person I’ve been having a great email conversation with is taking longer than normal to respond.

In my last email to a woman that I had been having a great correspondence with over 100hookup, I ended by asking her out for a drink or dinner sometime next week. This, of course, caused me to anticipate her response that much more. Even though I sent my last email on Thursday night I still expected her, even though it was the weekend, to respond in about the same amount of time she had previously.

When she didn’t write back on Friday I figured it was no big deal because she probably went out and didn’t have time, which is a situation that I’ve found myself in during the past. After rationalizing her non response on Friday I honestly did expect to hear something from her on Saturday. However, those 24-hours silently came and went. Sunday was the first day that I began checking my 100hookup email periodically even though I know I’ll get a message from the site, but I still can’t seem to help it.

It’s almost as though I need to check the site to make sure that she hasn’t emailed me back because it seems too hard to believe that after our previous emails she would end things so abruptly right after I asked her out. Certainly, things happen and there could be a very reasonable explanation why she hasn’t responded (which means that things could still work out). However, tomorrow (Monday) I know that I can’t let myself replicate the compulsive checking I did today, and need to move on to pursuing other fish in the 100hookup sea.

I wake up at eight o’clock in the morning on a Saturday.  My first date with this new girl will be happening in twelve hours.  I spend the first hour lying in bed sweating.  Hour two is spent trying to fall back to sleep whilst concurrently batting away thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and a poorly conceived tattoo that I have to remember to cover.  Hour three is spent shaving my arms so my tattoo will be visible as an ice-breaker when awkward silence will inevitably come within the first two minutes of inception.  Hour four is spent ruminating over the fact that the activity spent during hour two and the activity spent during hour three are completely contradictory.

Hour five is spent finding a way to eat something without spending any money, as I must conserve all currency for tonight’s rendezvous. The first three minutes of hour six are spent trying to go run for the first time in a year.  The next fifty five minutes are spent crying to myself while trying to walk.  Hour seven is spent playing Tetris®, as it is the one activity in my life where all of the pieces fall perfectly into place.  I can’t find where to fit a piece and inevitably leave a hole.  I stop playing Tetris.  I start playing Tetris again because I still cannot stand up fully due to activities completed in hour six.  Hour eight is spent panicking as I try to remember my date’s first name.

Hour nine is spent showering, washing myself obsessively until I either run out of soap or my hands start bleeding.  Hour ten is spent trying to stop the bleeding.  Hour eleven is all about cologne.  Hour twelve is spent yelling at my car’s GPS as I get completely lost within one mile of leaving my house.  Hour thirteen is our date. How do you prepare for a date?

Dear Tamar,

I haven’t heard from my boyfriend in a week and I don’t know what to think. He says he likes me… he even said he loves me, so I am very confused. We haven’t seen each other in the past month because he says he’s very stressed and tired from work as he owns his own business. He says it’s going to get better and has asked me to be patient. But I’m worried and need help to try to understand this. Thanks.

Dear Patience or Purgatory,

It sounds like your boyfriend is putting you through the emotional ringer trailing you along until you give up. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn’t matter how busy someone is — if they like you they will make the time to call you and see you. He says he loves you… but this isn’t how you treat someone you love. You can continue trying to be patient, but you’re obviously at the end of your rope. There’s really nothing to understand: either you’re willing to be treated this way or you’re going to give him the old heave-ho and find someone who wants to spend time with you. My apologies for being so blunt, I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

The Kibitz Corner is back. This time, 100hookup is asking its members, “What does it mean to you to be hookup?”

1. Getting to tell everyone that my people are less than 1% of the world’s population and are 90% of the world’s news. And it means eating amazing food.

VladimirCB0F, 26, Single, Man seeking a Woman, San Diego, CA

2. Distinctive ethnicity, people-hood, monotheism, Israel and Jerusalem.

Multiling…, 56, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, New York, NY

3. Flipping latkes, spinning dreidels, quoting Reb Nachman of Breslov, defending Israel’s right to exist and resisting the power of bacon but still rolling on Shabbos…

tonecrafter, 35, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Los Angeles, CA

4. Chopped liver, gefilte fish, guilt, stuffed cabbage, kasha varnishka’s, guilt, latkes, kreplach, guilt. Two cents plain (for you non-New Yorkers, Seltzer. For the older folk, club soda and for the youngsters, Perrier).  

MaxBialys…, 61, Divorced, Man seeking a Woman, St Petersburg Beach, FL

5. Having the highest bagel standards (and don’t even get me started about my pastrami requirements).

strad3, 39, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Caldwell, NJ

6. Feeling like part of a huge “family”, that no matter where you are, if you meet another Jew, you’ve got something in common that most people don’t (and can’t) have. and it’s kind of hard to put it into words.

rochel412, 19, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Monsey, NY

7. Being able to speak your mind and understanding and weighing on different opinions. Plus, the matzo balls don’t hurt.

Boulderskies, 46, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Boulder, CO

8.  A cultural identity. A link in a never-ending chain. Belonging. Supporting Israel, our homeland, our people.

Lynda1231, 66, Widowed, Woman seeking a Man, Van Nuys, CA

9. Always learning, and knowing when I light the Sabbath Candles I am adding light to all the other candles being lit at the same time.

Nancy0BBD, 58, Widowed, Woman seeking a Man, Fredericksburg, VA

10. Thinking in Yiddish even though I don’t speak the language!

readynow4…, 52, Divorced, Man seeking a Woman, Nyack, NY