Archive for January, 2011

A JDating^® friend of mine that I’ll call Jay asked me for help writing his 100hookup profile. The thing is, Jay’s current profile comes off as someone who is quiet and reserved while on the phone and in person his voice emits energy, enthusiasm and gobs of personality. This is a huge problem for people who simply are not good at typing or not good at conveying themselves on paper. But when it comes to 100hookup – or any online dating forum – you don’t really have a choice.

Jay needs to figure out how to let his personality come across in a way that would attract the same amount of women online as he does in person. But I wasn’t going to be writing the paragraph for him, because he needed to learn how to do it himself so when he does contact women via email he won’t run into the same problem.

I explained to Jay that this isn’t a business proposal and didn’t need to be so stiff and conservative. Although dating may feel like a job interview you can’t treat it that way. I told him to lay it all out on the line because he had nothing to lose. In this situation it was better to go too far and then edit and reel it in a bit rather than not go far enough. You can’t expect someone to read your blurb in the tone you wrote it, so you need to exaggerate and emphasize. Write your profile as though you were talking to your best friend – casual, relaxed, funny, friendly – but times 10.

Remember my tip about making sure the first few words are good ones because they will show up on the searches. Saying “I’m a vagabond” is not a great start (actual profile I found) because even if you have a really awesome explanation afterwards you first need the person to click on your profile.

This is the time you need to sell yourself. If you’re funny, don’t just say, “I have a sense of humor.” Instead say, “I promise to keep you laughing all day long.” If you’re smart, don’t say “I’m a genius,” but rather “I’ve never lost at a game of chess, but I’ll let you win.” If you’re successful, don’t say “I’m rich,” say “I’ve worked really hard but now it’s time to settle down.” (Or any variation of these phrases.) Try not to use (or overuse) clichés. Everyone is “looking to share the rest of my life with someone,” but how can you say it in a unique way that expresses your personality? Maybe “I want to fall in love with my best friend, someone I can golf with, watch “Top Chef” with and root for the Mavericks with.” This shows your interests and hobbies without just listing them and conveys the same message.

Simply put, you need to stand out – starting with the first few words and going from there. Keep the energy up, have someone who will be honest with you read it and allow them to critique and edit it if necessary. And remember, this isn’t the time to get offended – your loved ones want nothing but the best for you!

Whenever women complain about a guy not calling within the two day range, my best friend always tells the story of how she and her hubby met ten years ago. They were at a mutual family friend’s Shiva on a Thursday night and he asked for her number and said he would call her after the weekend since he was going to Las Vegas for a bachelor party. Two weeks later the phone rang and he wanted to know if she was still interested. Luckily, she was in the middle of finals so the long wait didn’t bother her. She accepted the date and they had an amazing night filled with conversation, laughter and flirting. Yet again, he didn’t call for another three weeks!

Once again, my BFF accepted the date and made a conscious decision not to make a big deal out of the time lapse between phone calls. After the second date they were inseparable and two years later they were married in an elaborate hookup wedding. Now that their third baby has arrived, I asked BFF-in-law if he remembers why he made his wife jump through hoops. He says the waiting game was a test and that he wanted to call her really badly but wanted to make sure she wasn’t a “Rules Girl” first (or following some equally obnoxious dating theory). Since she didn’t hem-and-haw over the time in between phone calls and subsequent dates, she passed his own set of (equally obnoxious) rules.

In this case, they were both worth the wait and it ended in the ultimate success, but the type of test my BFF’s hubby used will often lead to failure. Most women nowadays will not accept even a phone call – not to mention a date – after a few days. But it really depends on you and your overall dating attitude. If you’re busy dating and working and exercising and socializing then waiting a few extra days for a phone call isn’t a big deal because you wouldn’t have time to schedule a date right now anyways. However, if you’re desperate for a date two days already feels like an eternity. The thing is, you don’t know if the other person is still healing from a bad break-up or purposefully doesn’t call because it is expected. There are always exceptions to the rules.

Next Up: How to apply these rules to 100hookup.

In my last blog (see below) I delved into the unique nature of the female mind.  The previous entry focused on the fact that the female mind can develop strong feelings of attraction towards a guy for many different reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with looks.   While these methods are all proven to generate attraction, they are largely unknown by much of the male population and what we will be discussing each week.

Today’s attraction builder – Showing that you have alpha male qualities.

What are alpha male qualities?

-       Being a leader among your social group.

-       Showing that you are a male that is confident and sure of himself.

-       Appearing to be somebody that could not only take care of himself, but take care of others, as well.

-       Having the ability to take charge of a situation when needed.

-       Acting ss if you are not “hopeful” that a female will give you a chance at a date but, rather, “knowing” that you will receive a date.

Why do these qualities result in attraction?  As we briefly touched upon last time, evolutionary instincts cause women to seek these types of men out.  To put it in Laymen’s terms, since the beginning of time women have sought out “protectors,” as well as men who could provide for them as a means of survival.  This still drives attraction in women to this day. In modern times the “protector” is seen as a man that has all the qualities of the alpha male described above.

How do we show all these qualities online?  Unfortunately I only have three paragraphs to provide online dating advice in this blog and discussing how to show them in detail would require much more.  Next time we will specifically discuss ways we can show these qualities online.

What would you say if I told you that the looks you were born with have very little to do with attracting females online?

How about if I told you that not only do the looks you were born with not matter, but there are an additional nine ways to attract women?

Would you believe me?  Would you want this “secret” online dating advice?

Well this is not only 100% true, but these additional nine methods of building attraction can be achieved by any online dater.  Unfortunately, most men are not aware of these methods because society does very little when it comes to teaching men how the female mind actually works.  Most of us assume that rejected emails are a product of women not being attracted to the way we look, which is often far from the truth.

So why exactly are women attracted to us for reasons that have very little to do with the looks we are born with?

Most of this comes down to evolution.  Women have always sought out men who fit what they are instinctively programmed to become attracted to.   For the next few weeks I will be covering these different methods of building attraction in detail.  By the end of this blog series you should have nine brand new methods at your disposal to help you succeed at online dating.

Without getting too specific let me say that I had a really good interaction with a woman over several weeks where we talked and texted often before finally going out on a date. Even though I had a really nice time, and told her as much, I just didn’t feel that spark which leaves you excited for the next time you get to talk or see the other person.

This being said, we had developed a really good rapport during the proceeding weeks leading up to our date and as a result I would really like to be friends with her; but is that really possible? Can you be friends with someone that you met on a dating site where the initial pretense was that you were trying to start a romantic relationship?

I honestly don’t know the answer to that question but I would like to find out. Unfortunately that idea leads to another question which is: What would she think if I suggested that we be friends? On second thought, maybe I should just drop the idea of being friends with her, even though I believe that if we had met under different circumstances we could have become good friends.

I don’t know, perhaps I am just frustrated that it seems after your graduate from college you can’t be single and make friends with people that are the opposite sex. But, in any case, my wanting to be friends with a woman I met on 100hookup is probably pretty misguided. In the end, there are limitations and unwritten restrictions that go along with being on a dating site that I’m going to have to abide by no matter how the reality of them sucks.

I was thinking this morning that even though I have written and published over 40 pieces for JBlog I really have no idea as to whether or not anyone likes them, or if I write about anything that is remotely helpful to people. However, as I continued to think about how I am someone who appreciates an honest evaluation from time to time my thoughts began to shift to what it would be like if people critiqued each other after dates or at the end of relationships?

Okay, first, let me back up. Most of us have been on a date that we thought went exceedingly well only to never hear from the other person again, and in those situations we are always left wondering what the heck happened?! Did I misinterpret signals? Was I so caught up in enjoying myself that I completely missed the fact that the other person wasn’t having a good time?

If you have experienced a situation where, after its conclusion, you contemplated any, or all, of those questions then perhaps you also felt an urge, even if it was a slight one, to find out from the other person what exactly went wrong. However, you can’t necessarily just call up the other person and ask, and even if you could who knows how honest they would be.  Or, once they started to tell us, would we regret having asked in the first place?

You see, as I thought about the concept of honest dating evaluations I realized that, even though it might seem preferable to not know exactly what happened, or went wrong, to modify a quote from “A Few Good Men,” I’m not sure I could handle the truth. So, I guess that puts me back at square one, back in post date purgatory where I know there was something that went wrong or didn’t jive but I’m not sure what; however, if I’m truly “honest” with myself would I really be that much better off if I knew?

So what if I didn’t read your profile?  I instant messaged (is that a verb?) you based solely on the first picture on your profile.  I’m going to ask you questions that could easily be answered by reading your profile.  You’re going to angrily answer them knowing all the while that I have not read anything about you.   I want to learn things about you by chatting with you; not by reading the same thing that 300 guys have already read.  I want a unique perspective on your life.  I want nuance.  I want misspellings.  I want imperfection.

Everybody’s ‘About Me’ is essentially the same and I’m tired of reading the same thing.  I already assumed that you love to laugh and that you’re looking for a great guy.  Though, I would love to chat with a girl that hates laughing and is looking for an awful man.  That would be interesting and contrary to basic human instincts.  If you hate laughing, I am really interested in just talking to you.  I want to know why.  I am really curious.  Please.  I don’t think I can give my phone number here, but I live in Houston.  It’s a pretty small town.  Look for the hookup guy.

Anyway, I am also lazy, and often skip over all of the things that you have written about yourself.  Pictures are so much easier to quickly judge another human being by.  I realize that often people’s profile pictures don’t really represent what they actually look like.  I don’t care.  I like the illusion that I am talking to a beauty queen.  Actually, I don’t even care if you posted pictures of a completely different person.  Virtual reality is better than authentic reality.  Remember the ‘Virtual Reality’ video games at arcades?  How great were they?

There’s a saying.  Here’s how this saying goes: Men will eventually want to sleep with any female they have.  I have found this to be true, with two exceptions.  So I guess I have found this to be untrue.  Either way, listen to me, or you’re going to lose friends.  Maybe you won’t.  What do I know; I’m writing this alone on a queen-sized bed.

I joined 100hookup and I was so good at being single that I was hired to write about being single.  Now I’m single, and I write about being single, and that subsequently makes me sadder about being single.  I am far from being one of the relationship experts on this site.  They probably get paid/laid.

The last paragraph was independent of anything that I said or will say in this post.  I don’t know why I’m leaving it there.  Anyway, if you are a man and are thinking of rooming with a female, don’t.  One of two things will happen. 1, you will end up sleeping with her and will eventually break up and it will become impossible to live together.  Or, 2, you will grow to hate each other because platonic friends of the opposite sex are not meant to cohabitate.  I have lived with a female twice and they both ended in disaster.

The first time, I was in college.  My four best friends and I decided to rent a duplex.  One of these friends was/is a girl.  Within a month, she was having panic attacks and stress-induced hallucinations involving clean living quarters that never materialized.  Guys are ne’er-do-wells and women are hygienic.  That’s what happens when I use the thesaurus function on Microsoft Word to look for better alternatives to ‘slobs’ and ‘clean.’  So my first experience living with a girl was a disaster.  It lasted only a year, which is good, because I might not have my best friend if it was any longer.

My second experience living with a girl is currently in its final stage.  She is a friend from high school and prominent member of Prom Disaster ’02.  I don’t think I have to explain that one.  We all remember what happened.  So we have lived together for about two years now and my flaws are crystallizing in her mind with time.  It’s just not working, so I’m moving out next week.

If you are female, and have successfully lived platonically with a male for an extended period of time, and it’s going well, it’s really not.  He wants to sleep with you.  My two platonic female roommates were very pretty, but we weren’t attracted to each other, so I was able to dodge the sex bullet.

My girlfriend Esther* called me last night with a new dating debacle. She met this guy she knows from the community on 100hookup. His name is Yoni and once they started instant messaging each other, conversation flowed, she laughed, she was interested and it seemed 100% mutual. They went out and the date went really well, too. There was chemistry and they had a lot in common and they wanted to make plans to see each other again. Then the problem reared its ugly head.

Esther started telling some girlfriends that she had met this great guy, a guy she knew from the community but a guy she admittedly probably wouldn’t have given a chance to had he approached her at a local hookup event. Once she said it was Yoni she started to hear rumors about more and more friends and acquaintances whom had all dated him. Turns out the guy is a serial dater.

Since I know Yoni, too, I was able to give Esther some advice. Yoni really wants to get married (although not exactly in a stinking-of-desperation kind of way) and is willing to turn over every rock to find his Beshert, I don’t see a problem with that but it’s tough to hear he has dated every relatively attractive woman who is active in the community. Some were just one or two dates, others were long term relationships. None of the women had anything bad to say about Yoni, just that “it” wasn’t there. When Yoni runs into his exes at events they greet him cordially with a warm hug and kiss on the cheek. There is no animosity. But there’s also no concrete reason any of them stopped dating. There’s just something you can’t quite put your finger on.

Instinctually, I didn’t think Yoni was right for Esther, but I thought he would be good dating practice so I softened the edges for her. I told her that she shouldn’t have a problem with someone who has dated everyone possible, it just means they are looking for the same thing as her. As long as her friends who dated the guy give her their blessing and warn her if there’s anything worth knowing, I say all he’s free game. Esther had realistic reasons to be concerned, but she had already been on a date with him and enjoyed herself, so why should she be punished because other people didn’t have as successful as dates? I told her that I would be more concerned if she didn’t know one person whom he had dated. Yoni was obviously committed to finding a hookup woman, and that’s exactly the type of guy Esther was looking for.

Dear Tamar,

So here is my issue:  I met this guy on 100hookup and thought he was “the one”.  I have never felt like this about anyone before in my life.  We took trips together, spent lots of time with each other’s families, all was going so well for 6 months.  Then, one day, I got a message from him and he was questioning our relationship.  We sat and talked about it and it almost felt like he just gave up.  We tried a little bit longer and then I just couldn’t take it anymore.  We broke up and still, for the last few months, have communicated and have seen each other.  I am not sure what happened.  It doesn’t seem like he wants to totally let go and it doesn’t seem like he wants to be with me anymore.  I am still very much in love with this person.  We had discussed marriage and children and had both said we saw that together.  What should I do?  Should I cut all ties or see where it goes?

Dear The One or Done,

You’re in a difficult predicament and I feel for you. If you hang in there and see where it goes then you could end up still getting your heart broken but wasting more time in the meantime. I think your best bet is to tell him you need to cut it off to see how you each feel without the other because this on-again, off-again thing isn’t healthy. I think that once he sees life without you in it, he’ll be able to make up his mind about what he wants and you will too. Of course, don’t let him know this as you don’t want him to know he has all the power in the relationship; if he’s able to pull you back in when he misses you and needs you then what’s going to motivate him to step it up or cut it off? You’re on 100hookup, so that’s a good thing because it helps that you’re at least trying to move on or see what else is out there. Keep on perusing your other options while letting your ex know that you’re not his doormat.