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Aug 16

Dating on an Empty Stomach

by JeremySpoke under Date Night

I recently noticed that my mood and attitude are directly related to the amount of digested food there is in my stomach. Therefore, the time of day makes a big impact on how friendly I am to you. Since I do not eat breakfast, you should completely avoid me from mornings until about 12:30 pm. Recently, a friend of mine whom I haven’t talked to in a while called me in the late morning. I am pretty sure that, as a result, our friendship is over. I only remember small bits of our conversation, but I do remember a lot of incoherent yelling as I tried to out-yell my stomach.

Now that I am one friend-less, I need to be extra careful about who I talk to and what time of day I do it. At around 12:30, I eat lunch, and am okay for a few hours. This is an excellent time to talk to me. I am very nervous about my new job of teacher’s assistant that starts next week. I am mostly worried about the fact that my class will consist of three to five year-olds. However, I also need to change my daily eating pattern in order to optimize my happiness. I want these kids to love me like I loved my pre-school teacher’s assistant whom I remember nothing about today.

Hunger has also affected my sporadic dating life. Of course, most dates involve food so it’s usually a moot issue. However, sometimes it’s just a movie. Since I am still on the Subway® diet, I cannot eat theater food. However, in my warped mind, I have decided that ICEEs® are okay because they are not technically food. If I am on a date while also on an empty stomach, only bad things will happen. In retrospect, I don’t think that I’ve ever been granted a second date if I was hungry on the first. I either have to be miserable and hungry or happy and single. That doesn’t make any sense.

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