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May 11

Bad Date Gymnastics

by JeremySpoke under Date Night

Up until now, it is never fun to realize that your date has gone bad.  Maybe your date poured salt into your drink (that isn’t a margarita),  Maybe she isn’t a dog person.  Maybe she is a racist.  This doesn’t have to be a death sentence for a date.  This can be the catalyst for having your own Bad Date Gymnastics.

Once you realize that you have no real connection with your date, why not perform social experiments for science! For example, if your date is, in fact, racist, do an experiment and study your date like she is a laboratory sample. Lie and tell her that you are also a racist.  In order to do this, you will have to pretend to hate a people based on their skin color.  Ask her how much she hates Haitians and why.  She may say that the people of Haiti are poor and are prone to violence.  Do not tell her that they are probably prone to violence because it is their only way to survive.  Rationality only angers racists.  Go country by country.  This will provide a plethora of insight into racist people.

Your date, however, is probably not racist.  If she is, she will probably hide her racism so as to not disgust you. This is the basic MO for any racist.  Maybe the two of you don’t connect because she yells too much.  Instead of cowering in your seat and pretending that you don’t know her, join her in the crazy.  Start yelling as well.  Yell at everyone; the waiter, the bartender, the police officer that pulled you over.  “I’m sorry, officer, is there a problem!”  “I completely agree with my driving and will abide by the rules of the ticket!”  “I am looking forward to taking a course in defensive driving!”  That can only end well.

Maybe, though, your date just doesn’t like you.  She may give you clues by saying something like, “I don’t think we’re connecting” or “I strongly dislike you.”  There is nothing really to lose at this point.  Tell her that you dislike her as well.  Now is a good time to act impulsively obnoxious.  Ask if she can pay for dinner.  Tell her how the movie ends.  Take her to your mother’s house to watch TV.  The date will not end well, but it wouldn’t have ended well anyway.

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