Archive for October, 2010

I recently attended a local 100hookup event to people watch and see if people knew how to market themselves without a computer screen separating them from reality. Sad to say, I was disappointed.  Whether it means looking your best, putting a smile on your face, thinking about what you’re saying before you say it, or even how your nametag reads, everything counts and many people were failing on numerous levels.

Sometimes it’s general attitude. A few individual’s body language was so negative – arms crossed, shoulders hunched, sour look – that there was no way they were going to be approached. There were wallflowers left and right, people wandering through the crowd looking lost, others sitting down alone. You shouldn’t be ashamed to be at a 100hookup event because guess what? The people you’re meeting are there too! When you sign up for a 100hookup event, it’s time to throw caution to the wind, put yourself out there, lower any walls and find yourself some possible love interests.

Self-promoting is not an easy thing to do. We are not raised to be arrogant but, rather, humble yet confident so to talk about how great we are, how popular, how funny, how successful, how smart, how fabulous and so on is not natural. However, if you’re going to a 100hookup event then you gotta do it. You need to look your best, be outgoing yet natural, and not seem too desperate all at the same time.

The best thing about 100hookup events is that you should feel an instant kinship with everyone there and draw instant comfort from that. Everyone there is there for the same reason – to meet someone hookup. Try to enjoy the opportunity of having hundreds of local hookup singles in the same place at the same time with the same motivation.

More to come about what people show up looking like at the events in a few days.

She came to my apartment to hang out.  As she hugged me to leave, she told me that I was easily the best looking guy on the photo staff.  She, of course, was referring to the Daily Texan, which is the student newspaper for the University of Texas at Austin.  The ‘photo staff’ part is self-explanatory.  After she told me this, we finished hugging, and I let her walk away.

If ever there was a time when a girl wanted to kiss me, it was this.  The saddest part isn’t the fact that I let her go without a kiss.  The saddest part is that I didn’t realize that this was an opportunity for a kiss until three years later, lying in my bed in Houston.  Well, she’s married now, with seven kids.  Okay, she doesn’t have seven kids, but she may be married.  Okay, Facebook® just confirmed that she is not married.  Either way, the moment has passed.

In order to recapture that moment, we would both have to move to Austin again and re-apply to the University of Texas.  Then, we would have to find places to live and re-apply for the Daily Texan photo staff.  I would have to again somehow be the best looking guy on staff.  I would then have to find a reason to invite her over while my roommate, my brother, isn’t there.  Then she would have to hug me and again tell me that I am the best looking.  Perfect!  I kiss her.

Go with your instincts.

I definitely consider myself to be lucky since during the time that I’ve been active with online dating I haven’t gone out on any bad dates. Even though I’ve gone out on first dates with women that I decided not to ask out again, I’ve still always had a nice time simply because I was getting the chance to get to know someone new. Also, even though I have left dates where in spite of having an enjoyable time I just haven’t felt that spark which would prompt me to ask them out again, that situation doesn’t bother me at all and I’m perfectly content with that being the ending to my evening.

The confidence I have in my ability to read people and situations has helped me to distinguish between women that I’ve had a nice time with but don’t feel that deeper connection with, and those whom I think there could really end up being something with. However, in either case, I’m honestly happy just to be going out on first dates and simply meeting women. This version of socialization is definitely good for me since I often let what I perceive are my social limitations keep me from putting myself consistently in positions to be social and meet people.

I think one of the keys to consistently having good first dates is that I try not to ramp up my expectations for every date I go on. Sure, there have been times when I was more excited to meet someone because our conversations had been particularly interesting and I was eager to continue them in person, but even in those cases I don’t show up for a date expecting to meet Ms. Right. Instead, I go into each first date hoping that I meet an interesting person that I can have an enjoyable time with, and by having this approach, whether we end up going out on a second date or not, I have been able to go out on a lot of nice first dates.

Dear Tamar,

Oftentimes I use the Click!® feature and am immediately notified that there’s a match, meaning the man Click!ed first and I Click!ed second. But then I don’t ever hear from the man! Sometimes I’ll write, but rarely receive an answer back. Why would a guy Click! on me and then not want to get to know each other further?

Dear Do You Click!?,

I’m just as flustered as you about why a man would show interest and then not follow up once he found out the interest was mutual. There are the normal reasons why this could happen including that the man may already have started dating someone else. The other, hard-to-swallow reason, is that maybe the man decided he wasn’t interested in you after all, for whatever reason. Sometimes you Click! on someone based on their looks or based on hedging your odds that you’ll get some mutual Click!s but that doesn’t mean you want to meet everyone you Click! on. I’m sure there were men who you’ve Click!ed with who wrote you that you didn’t respond to because on second thought you weren’t interested. Don’t stop using the Click! feature, eventually it will work out for you. Good luck!

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Dear Tamar,

I am a healthy 77-year-old divorced dentist.  I’m looking for a nice hookup lady who is into the outdoors and would enjoy some (limited) hiking, camping, fishing and skiing.  It seems like most hookup women are not into those activities.  On the offish chance I do find someone that enjoys these activities, she is usually in her late 50’s or early 60’s but they  don’t want to go out with me because they say the age difference is too great.  So what am I supposed to do, lie about my age?  What do you suggest?

Dear Older & Active,

Your letter made me laugh, not because it’s an odd question but because I’m one of those women who’s not into the whole camping and fishing thing. But the good news is that I know a lot of women who are! I’m not sure how many of them are in your age range, but I’m positive there are some out there.  My advice would be to broaden your area as wide as possible –160 miles from your zip code. In addition, broaden your age range as far as you think is realistic – maybe 62 to 80? Next, be as flexible as possible regarding denomination, marital status, education and height. I say this not only because of your age but because you feel so strongly about an outdoorsy woman that the other stuff shouldn’t really matter. Don’t lie about your age, but you should make it clear in your profile that you’re young at heart, active and looking for someone to enjoy the great outdoors with.

The great thing about 100hookup is you can use the “Search” function to do a keyword search to find the women in your area and surrounding areas who enjoy the same things as you. Don’t type more than one or two keywords at a time or you’ll eliminate a lot of great prospects. Lastly, be open to introducing your hobbies to a woman who may enjoy skiing but has never been fishing and would be willing to sit in the boat with you, or a woman who enjoys a day hike but doesn’t ski and is willing to try the bunny slope or sit by a fire in the cabin. And make sure you’re willing to try new things, as well! Good luck!

Once you begin talking with someone you’ve met online it is only a matter of time, if things are going well, before one of you broaches the topic of meeting, and once the wheels of planning are set in motion one of three scenarios is likely to unfold:

1)      You make plans that are set to take place within 48 hours after they were first initiated.

2)      You make plans for some time during the following week.

3)      You try to make plans for the upcoming week but your schedules don’t match up and you are either forced to make them for the following week, or play it by ear until both your schedules open up.

In my opinion the first scenario can often times be the best because you are riding a wave of momentum that you’ve built up through your previous correspondences. However, if an immediate date isn’t possible I think that having one within about a week from when you first tried to make plans is important.

Last month I had a good email rapport going with a woman that I had met online, which culminated in us having a great conversation on a Sunday night that literally lasted for hours. At various points in the night we talked about making plans but as our conversation wound down we hadn’t made any firm arrangements.

She suggested the following night, which would have been perfect since we had so much good mojo going from that night’s interaction, but unfortunately I already had plans with a couple of buddies to watch Monday Night Football. Tuesday and Thursday didn’t work for her, and Wednesday is a bad night for me because we have team dinners after our workouts, which left us in a bit of quandary.

After realizing that the weekend wouldn’t work because we were both busy, we decided to make plans for the following Tuesday; however, I was skeptical that this date would ever come to fruition because I didn’t know how we could keep things moving for another week without meeting. Even though we texted in the few days following our plans, once we hit the weekend the communication ceased and neither of us picked it up the following Monday.

The problem is that people are busy, and things change, so if you don’t have plans within a short window (usually about a week) it is hard to maintain the momentum that got you to the precipice of meeting in the first place. Even though this is sometimes unavoidable I think that it’s important to try to have plans soon after the topic is first broached in order to give the budding relationship the best chance to succeed.

You’re on the worst date of your life.  That is complete hyperbole but let’s just say that you are on a date that isn’t going well.  You don’t know your date very well, but you do know that you know her (or him) well enough to hate her.  You have a strong dislike for the woman across from you, and have lost your appetite.  You are dreading the next hour of your precious, short life.  You have exhausted all options.  You tried small-talk, but she is unresponsive to your winning banter.  There is only one way out.

In my experience, I have found that a fun way to make the dinner bearable is to just go for crazy.  You don’t have to be loud or obnoxious.  I mean you can be obnoxious if you want, but you really don’t have to put that much effort into it.  You could be the guy that never talks.  Just don’t talk at all for like twenty minutes.  Or you could be the guy with a weird collection.  Talk frenetically about how you have devoted the past fifteen years of your life to accumulating socks.  You have completely shut out the rest of the world.  You have a room in your house, the Shrine of Socks, which is completely full of socks.  You always wear at least two layers of socks because you love how it absorbs pressure and sweat.  Your dream is to open a sock store called Between the Foot and the Shoe, as well as its successor, The Sock Shack.  You joined a political cause to pass a law that says that makes it illegal to practice karate and gymnastics barefoot.  You have every episode of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh In on DVD.  You haven’t been outside of your house for ten years.

Or you could be a crazy conspiracy theorist.  Tell your date that you are convinced that the waiter is trying to poison the two of you; when the water comes, splash it onto the floor.  When the bread comes, threaten the server with the bread knife.  When the steak comes…well…eat it.  No reason to waste delicious steak.

As Jews, we’re given a sip of wine every Shabbat dinner and many studies have shown that being allowed that sip keeps us from becoming crazy drinkers. Well, that study goes out the window when dating comes into play. Now, I’m not condoning drinking, but when you’re actively JDating, you’re suddenly going out every other night to bars, dinner or dancing. It’s not a coincidence that the venues most dates take place at are the same venues that serve alcohol.

Drinking while you’re on a 100hookup is a very sensitive subject because there’s a fine line between being buzzed and being wasted… and wasted is not something you want to be while on a 100hookup. Whether it’s your first or 101^st date, getting drunk very seldom turns out for the best. It’s always nice to have one, maybe two drinks to take the edge off, relax and let the conversation flow. It’s never nice to vomit uncontrollably because you don’t know how to hold your liquor.

As chivalrous as it may seem, a man having to hold your hair back as you puke is not a turn-on for him. And a woman having to jump out of the way when the man passed out on her shoulder decides to get sick is even more disgusting. If I have to get my clothes dry-cleaned after a date because of vomit, I’m probably not going to be in a hurry to answer your next phone call. And if you get so wasted on a date that you don’t remember how you ended up back at home and in bed, don’t be shocked when the guy never calls you again.

There’s probably a rule of thumb we should all stick to when on a 100hookup. A slight buzz is all that’s really necessary. If you need more in order to endure the date, you should probably call it a night. Don’t risk losing face, or your stomach, just for the sake of trying to make the date as bearable as possible. You don’t want to make the mistake of drinking too much because you don’t like your date and then lowering your inhibitions. Even if you like your date, don’t drink too much so as to cloud your judgement. If you must have a drink to let your guard down, one or two drinks max are all you really need… or better yet, stick to the Manischewitz.

I don’t have a “traditional” occupation, which means that I don’t have many free weekends and often have to work late. Furthermore, my work schedule is very fluid which unfortunately means that my plans end up sometimes being more tentative than I would like. As a result of my work situation, I often lose track of what day of the week it is; just because it’s 5:00pm during the week doesn’t mean I get to clock out, and the fact that it’s Saturday doesn’t guarantee I will have the opportunity to sleep in.

Even though, in many regards, this lifestyle wreaks havoc on my personal life, since becoming active in online dating I have realized one way that it has helped me. That is it keeps me from over-thinking the situations I find myself in. An example of this regards how most people reserve their Friday and Saturday nights for special people and plans and, therefore, they only want to have 1st or 2nd dates Sunday through Thursday nights. However, I don’t look at things that way.

You see, I don’t put a premium on Friday or Saturday and therefore I have no prejudices against having dates on those nights. It has been very obvious to me, through my experiences so far, that in the dating world it is taboo to give up a precious Friday or Saturday night for a 1st or 2nd date, but honestly I don’t have enough free nights to afford myself that luxury. Furthermore, it is just as likely that I can go into work a little late on a Wednesday morning as it is on a Sunday, so in that light I guess you could say that going out on Tuesday is just as precious to me as Saturday (depending on the week).

Of course, there are times when it is difficult for me to make plans, or I end up being embarrassingly late for a 1st date because of work, but in my search to find something positive in every situation at least I don’t have the opportunity that many daters have to over-think things. Maybe I’m a “Dating Old Man” since I don’t love the idea of all these unwritten dating commandments but, reallys what’s the difference? In the end I say do what you want, and if the other person doesn’t want to go out on a 2nd date with you when the only free night is Friday, then I ask you this:  Is that someone you really want to go out on another date with anyway?