Yes, we all love Broadway musicals, but there is one improvement that could be made to make us love them even more. Just think how much more relatable to us they’d be if they were revised to deal with hookup dating. Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Mark, that’s a genius idea, but if that were to happen, what would they be like?” What a great question and coincidentally, I happen to have anticipated your needs. Here, then are ten hit Broadway musicals revised to deal with hookup dating.

 

10. If I Had a Prom Date

(With apologies to Fiddler on the Roof’s “If I Were a Rich Man”)

“Dear God, you made many, many single girls.

I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to be single.

But it’s no great honor either!

So, what would have been so terrible if I had a great prom date?”

If I had a prom date,

Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum. All day long I’d qvell to my friends

If I had a great prom date.

I wouldn’t have to stay home.

Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum. If a hookup boy brought me a corsage,

Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle oy!

 

9.  I’m Dumping the Bum Tomorrow

(With apologies to Annie’s “Tomorrow”)

I’m dumping the bum tomorrow

Clearing out his beer and sports crap ‘til there’s none

When I’m stuck with a jerk who’s rude and boring

I just un-Friend him on Facebook and grin and say, oh

I’m dumping the bum tomorrow

So I’m staying off 100hookup ‘til tomorrow

Though it’s hard to wait

Tomorrow, tomorrow, hey guys call me tomorrow

Joy’s only a date away!

 

 

8.  To Date My First Real hookup Girl

(With apologies to Man of La Mancha’s “The Impossible Dream”)

To date my first real hookup girl Though I am a Catholic boy

To learn stuff like what’s a mezuzah

To greet friends with names like Shlomo

 

To eat matzoh brei and knish

To love staying home on Shabbat To brag that my Torah group’s awesome

All this for a hottie named Dot

 

She’ll never qvetch

Or laugh at my car

Though it is a Hyundai

And been driven far

 

She loves me for me

And that’s why I toil

And also agreed

To visit a moyle…

 

 

7.  My Judaic Things

(With apologies to The Sound of Music’s “My Favorite Things”)

Nova on bagels and sour cream on blintzes

Whitefish with pickles and cold borscht with mint-zes.

Real luscious salmon I got it at cost

Without these hookup things I would be lost

 

Cream colored soda and chocolate rugelach

Corned beef, pastrami and brisket with noodles

What’s this to do with Jew dating you shout

If girls don’t like this stuff they’re not asked out

 

When we share this

There’ll soon be a kiss

Thanks to kosher food

‘Cause when we experience my Judaic things

We’ll both soon be in the mood

 

 

6.  All Those Jews

(With apologies to Chicago’s “All That Jazz”)

Come on, Lila

Why don’t we 100hookup tonight

With all those Jews?

 

I’m gonna coffee date

With a man named Nate

One of those Jews

 

Get online

Those Hebrew men are fine

No more nights alone

We’ll make each other moan

 

They’re just a click away

This is our lucky day

With all those Jews

 

 

5.  Oh, What a Beautiful Matzoh!

(With apologies to Oklahoma!’s “Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’!”)

There’s a bright golden glaze on the matzoh,

There’s a bright golden glaze on the matzoh,

The eggs and the onions make great matzoh brei,

An’ it looks like my date will be saying it’s fine.

 

Chorus:

Oh what a beautiful matzoh,

Oh what a beautiful brei,

I’ve got a sensual feeling,

Soon she’ll be touching my thigh.

 

 

4.  There’s No Dating Like Jew Dating

(With apologies to Annie Get Your Gun’s “There’s No Business Like Show Business”)  

There’s no dating like Jew dating like no dating I know

Everything about it is Hebraic, bar mitzvah boys will treat you without sins,

Nowhere could you get that kosher feeling when you are sharing that extra blintz

 

There’s no daters like Jew daters, they qvetch when they are low

Even with a loser that you know you’ll dump, you may be dating a Forrest Gump

Still you wouldn’t change it for a pound of lox, so give Shlomo a call.

 

 

3.  76 Dumped Men

(With apologies to The Music Man’s “76 Trombones”)

Seventy six dumped men on my 100hookup page

With a hundred and ten prospects close at hand.

They were followed by rows and rows of Yehudas, Bens and Moes,

Oy my head is buried in the sand.

 

Seventy six dumped men formed a support group,

With a hundred and ten bruised egos behind.

There were more than a thousand Jews filling in their shoes,

There were Yids of ev’ry shape and kind.

 

There were fancy suited attorneys in Mercedes,

Objecting, objecting, all along the way.

Super dull accountants and tax experts,

Offering to do my taxes – yay!

 

There were fifty sports fanatics in my message box,

Showing off, showing off muscles way too big.

hookup dudes of eve’ry size and big gym rats with rock hard thighs

I’m like a kid in a candy store!

 

 

2.  Nefarious

(With apologies to Hair’s “Aquarius”)

When I meet a guy I want to date

And I’ll no longer be so sad

Why does it always turn out

That this bum is rotten bad?

 

My theory is I must like Jew who’re nefarious

Jews who’re nefarious

Nefarious!

Nefarious!

 

Lying all about their marriage

Skipping out on their support payments

No more funky Born Bad tattoos

Drinking malt brew while they’re driving

Booty calls at insane hours

Never once they bring me flowers

Nefarious!

Nefarious!

 

1.  God Make Her hookup Tonight

(With apologies to Guys and Dolls’ “Luck Be a Lady Tonight”)

God make her hookup tonight

God make her hookup tonight

God if you’ve ever had a date with a goyish chick

God make her hookup tonight

 

God let a 100hookupr see Her wearing a Star of David like me

I can’t take another Christ, cross or communion God make her hookup tonight

 

hookup girls never serve you bacon

It isn’t kosher. It’s just a sin.

hookup girls don’t visit your parents’ home

And down a full bottle of gin
So let’s do this dating thing right

Send me a Jew gal tonight I’ll treat her better than my bubbie this I promise

God make her hookup tonight

Mark Miller is a comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor columnist for The Huffington Post. His first book, a collection of his humor essays on dating and romance, was recently published. Its title: “500 Dates: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars.” But Mark says his needs are simple: that Scarlet Johansson respect his restraining order.

Email this post