STILL HOT, WHY NOT?
There are many kinds of constipation. One is called HSCI. This stands for Hemming-Humming Shuffling-Shiffling Chickens**t Inability of Men My Age to Ask Girls Out.
What is it with men my age? I met a man. We had a drink. We liked each other. He paid the tab, we held out our hands to shake—and on that handshake, he pulled me into him, and he kissed me.
Kissed me!!!!! You gotta understand. I’m 63. True, I look years younger and have the drive and energy of a Much Younger Woman (that is, before 9 at night) but still, how rare is it to get unexpectedly kissed in a bar by an attractive man? Age, wisdom, scarcity of men, and my own (thank God) lessening Drive make such moments a thing of the past. I felt all the surprise and sweet rush of a teenager.
So, I got really happy. And, it seems, so did he. Because, although he had recently moved to the Hamptons for the winter to write a book, he vigorously emailed me and called me, one two three times a week and, of course, I expected to see him again. True, he was out on Long Island, but I’m not that far away. Of course he’d suggest a date i.e. a time and place to see each other again.
Now, I can hear my brave and bold sisters asking “Why didn’t you ask him out, we don’t have to wait…” This deserves its own column but, truth be told, I did ask to see him. Twice. That’s my limit, girlfriends. Both times, he had 100% valid reasons that he couldn’t make the date; and both times, he did not come back with an alternate proposal.
Bad manners? Or maybe even the dread toy-with-women syndrome. Or maybe he wishes he had his own twin Goddesses at home. I should’ve dropped the guy, right? Right, but you see: I had hopes for him. Hopes. Hopes are good. He was right for me in so many ways. And then there were his emails; long chatty missives with plenty of references to time spent together:
I wish you were here so we could talk in a relaxed way and maybe take a walk.
I think about kissing you a lot.
There’s a great beach near here and I’d love to hold hands with you and walk there.
Finally, I raised the issue. I asked about being asked out. And here is his reply in an email:
Yes, an actual date. Which I am now formally asking you on. Would you like to go out? I will try to figure out when. As I said, I’m leaving for Cape Cod Tuesday and will probably stay through the weekend. But I’m not entirely sure. We might be better off to schedule something for sure when you return. Which is December 15th, right?
Does anybody see an actual Date in there??????????? Because I read it over eight times, and all I could find was a lot of michigos.
So there you have it, ladies and gents. A textbook case of HCSI–The Hemming-Humming Shuffling-Shiffling Chickens**t Inability of Men My Age to Ask Girls Out. Next time you’re on the phone with a 100hookup guy, and it’s going well, and comes to that moment when (pause) the guy should say, So, would you like to have a coffee this weekend? and he doesn’t, shriek HSCI!!! at the top of your lungs, hang up, and hope the fire department heard you and they’ll send over some men.
Diana Amsterdam is a published and produced playwright, screenwriter, scribe and branding guru; a single mom and grandmother of five exceptional children.
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Diana Amsterdam; You’re 63 and you said you asked the man who paid for your one date and then you kissed each other at the end out! BUT you didn’t! You showed him you were interested in him asking you out and when he showed interest in you, YOU did not NAIL the date down and at 63 and being a woman you should have done that. He is in the Hamptons and all you had to say was; I’d love to spend a weekend in the Hamptons with you, so how about next weekend’. And then you would have been in a relationship. But you chose to do what all the other women who responded do and their hostility to men shows in their posts. Women who know how to DEAL with men are married or in live in relationships or are in real relationships. ALL the others comment with the BS that appears in your responses. Several of the men made good responses but the women will never adhere to what they say so 100hookup will prosper as most on here only “play online”.
I went out on a date with this guy, an attorney. At the end of the date , he did not formally ask me out again, said something about his pool etc. He did get my number and called, texted all week. Never asking me out, but very happy to tell me his plans over the upcoming weekend. I texted him to not contact me again. A man should not be sharing his plans with you, but trying to find a good time to see you. He was broaching the subject, without coming out and asking. I am not having another texting non relationship. It was over within 5 days. Man cannot live on hope alone!!!
OK, here’s the deal. I can understand what happened here and why women are baffled by it .. and yes, it’s unfair, but here goes …
Mistake #1: You let him kiss you? Not at the end of the first date, but on the first meeting. He thinks you’re too easy — no matter how unfair that sounds. Yes, HE was the one to kiss YOU, but either you should have not let it happen or acted somewhat put upon; shy, etc. Now he’s thinking that was fun, but does she kiss every guy she meets for the first time?
Mistake #2: You indicated your interest in seeing him (at a specific time) before he asked you out.
Now he’s thinking your easy and desperate and you have been ‘conquered’. There is nothing else to achieve – as sick and unfair as that sounds, that’s how most guys I know think.
If you had not been as receptive to his somewhat brash advance the first time and not offered to meet subsequently, he might have pursued the relationship further. I know, we’re some messed up creatures but that’s how it goes.
Tip: Your 63 not 16 right? – as you said. It’s time to put the ‘tingles’ on the back burner a bit and go for the guy who respects you as much as thrills you. Then you’ll be fine.
And(???)what about the women who hedge their age, wear a band or diamond on their left “ring finger” though not married, post photos from years back, only want men who are “very very very very” (that’s “very” x 4) “financially secure”, have no interests besides fashion design, sometimes golf, and always Pilates, live across the United States or in another country….and frequent J-Date even though they have never been to a Synagogue in their lives….and are assuredly not hookup. Let’s face it,there is plenty of sorus on both sides of the fence. All in all though,after the first email and first call, a date is almost always guaranteed. I find J-Date very worthwhile. It’s all about what you make of it and I make well of it, thank you, without ever playing around.
To answer Jan Barrett: I’m one of the guys posing in front of a “Sportscar”…well, it isn’t really, it’s a Toyota Solara but it IS a convertible: I was raised in convertibles from vWs to a Nash Rambler to more VWs and one terrible Pontiac Sunbird: a cheap cheap cheap car, not at all “impressive”. I have all MY hair. I drive a convertible, and show it, because I find it to be FUN to drive: I love the wind and sun; I also own a Toyota STATION WAGON: would you like me to pose with it too? AND a motorcycle I rarely drive. And none of that really tells you what I’m like to live with, to date, or to sleep with. Profiles and our photos are just preliminaries: you’ll just have to make inperson arrangements to really find out. Even if you have to push a little with some of us shyer ones…..
My problem with “older” women is either a true almost-total lack of sexual interest…or it’s there but they will not cop to it. I’m 68 and like sexual activities but how to broach the subject without seeming like a flaming sex fiend? It is NEVER one of the subjects on any dating site….except the ones for prostitutes. So why can’t 100hookup and the others, add a topic:
Your interest in sexual matters: none, low, some, quite high, ravenous, ask me later?
Is that too much to ask?
Diana,
I am hereby formally asking you for a date. I hope you’ll go out with me because I’d love to meet you. We are the same age and probably have lots in common i.e. speak English and like Thai food. Of course, you’ll need to come to San Diego to meet me, but I’m definitely worth the trip. I lived in NY and L.I. for 20 years and that was enough. Hoping to hear from you soon. I’ll even give you my 100hookup profile name if you want to check me out. Let me know.
What you are up against, Diana, is a protocol issue.
You wait. You wait for the guy to ask you out, you wait for his call, you wait for him to pop the question.
If indeed he pops the question, after some wait that’s worth its wait in gold, he had better be prepared to do the waiting. The table has turned. He waits at the hairdresser. He waits for you to get ready. He waits in the corridor nexy yo the labour/delivery room.
He waits for dinner, and he waits for the plane with your mother to touch down. He waits for the Ever Eve to make her grand entrance from the washroom, where women always retreat to do some mysterious and secretive women-things, that men never even question or want to find out.
If he is a good man, he waits for his turn in passion, for the release, he very tactfully and with fullness of consideration waits until you get there first.
So I think you ought not to complain about the wait. People ought to be more conscious, in my opinion, of their weight, instead.
I think it’s all how you approach dating at an older age.I’ve been on J-Date for only a few weeks and I’ve had responses from all ages, largely I think because of how I described myself in my profile. I dated in my forties and never once did I go out with a guy in his sixties!…so where are all these hoped for “younger women” coming from?…I’ll tell you where…the older men’s imaginations! The feedback I’ve gotten from men was that they shy away from women who are looking for a meal ticket or to provide a life for them. I have a career and great friends and if a guy comes along that would be great…and if not,I still have much of what I want in life.Men sense the desperation just as I’m sure women do when some of them pop up on your screen posed in front of a sports car or wearing a ridiculous rug.If you have a positive attitude,great things can happen and often do.
1. Don’t ask for a date the first time. You are dating other men so another one will ask you out if he doesn’t.
2. Let him know that you are dating other men and you can look at your schedule and try to fit him in. Establish this on the first meeting.
3. Keep dating other guys, be relaxed and treat him with respect and be extra nice make hime feel really special.
4. Don’t sleep with him until you have a commitment. Mainly because you’ll be dating other men.
5. Keep dating other men. Because if he can’t see what a fabulous woman you are you don’t want that rubbish in your life anyway!
Its good to think you are the bell of the ball/ As men can tend to be a little gruff. That is why we want to find a man who adores us. We want love not taken for granted for, unappreciated. We are willing to sacrifice finding our true love with passion etc. For a nice man who appreciates and and adores us. I had that. And i divorced as I was not at all in any form having any kind of passion/chemistry fo rhim. I have been divorced and single 10 years now. I have dated everything out there(practically , i am still cautious ) . I now would take a nice man who i have less passion for instead of a man who has not a clue how to appreciate the nice lady i am . I am hoping i will have a little more passion/chemistry for my next partner than i had for my ex.h. But again if i had only two choices. My ex or a man who was ignoring me and expecting me to do all the work and thinks women who want to be treated well are princesses and bell of the balls for example . I pick my ex hands down. I have to admit most of the men i meet he still (even though we have no feelings for each other ) is nicer to me than they are . And i will not settle. I will find another good man who respects me . And last but not least . It is NOT only hookup women who want a financially stable man who is good to them. I think the majority of educated woman want that. And some want not just stable but filthy rich. they might even sacrifice nice to get that. I wont
I get it now…..women are honest and sincere and men are rats…..hookup amercan princesses are still looking for money ..even at this age and men know it ! J women still think they are the bell of the ball ..even in the 50′s
I hate to break it to you, but this “disease” is present in women also. For we guys who are willing to cut to the chase and ask women out and want to go right to a phone call and/or a date? So many women engage in the same type of emailing or phone calls or giving their numbers out … only to blow us off. They express interest (“Oh, I love your sense of humor) but then don’t answer the phone. They respond with their number, have an initial conversation and then won’t plan a date or will plan one and then cancel. And even more just sit on this site seemingly forever doing nothing more than window shopping. What is the big deal about speaking to someone and then planning a brief meeting over a drink or coffee? And why respond with interest when you really aren’t interested ( so many people just don’t respond to begin with)?
So you see, this “ambivalence” is not gender specific – it is a byproduct (I believe) of the age demographic. Younger people seem so much more willing to take risks.
I have been doing the online dating thing for about 5 years now. I consider myself to be an unfortunate veteran, not by choice, by now! I am only 43 years old, but I have all of the same problems that the other women mentioned. I think I look quite good for my age and I get a lot of response/messages from men. But I have met very few of them and went on precious few dates. It seems they only want to message me on the site, even phone calls are too much trouble! Since I am looking for a real relationship, not cyber-talk, I refuse to tolerate this behavior and move on to the next candidate. I have come to the conclusion that the great majority of men on online dating sites of any type are most likely married or in a “committed” relationship. They just indulge in a little fantasizing or browsing online. Sorry, if I sound a bit negative, but I will keep on trying. It just gets frustrating sometimes because I am legitimately single with honest intentions.
He sounds married to me…
Misspelled my name-
PS I don’t believe in settling!
Face it he was just not that into you. I meet lots of women, some very nice & attractive, but that spark, that burning desire is rarely there. Hence no dates.
So…one man = men your age.
Let’s face it: so many people are fearful or otherwise psychologically damaged that neither sex is willing to bother. Especially guys in your age range, Diana. So date younger guys, go for it. I have a feeling you won’t really find what you’re looking for in the FEACE (F ‘em and chuck ‘em) set, but if you do–wonderful!
Men have been subjected to shaming language and institutionalized humiliation for no other reason than being male, so there’s quite a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy at work, too. Keep setting the bar impossibly high that you’ll eventually weaken and settle for bad boyz.
Angst like a neon sign does nothing to attract the opposite sex, for either sex.
Here’s the deal; I think us WOMEN – the movers of the universe, must unite and go on strike as follows: all women over 40 must only date guys in their 30s during the remainder of this year (2011). This will wake up the 40 and 50s. Start a revolution. Unite. Waiting by the phone doesn’t work. Be trend setters, not tear shedders. You in?
This man is almost certainly seeing someone else. He is not sure how that will go but he wants to keep you around as a fall back position, in case it doesn’t work out. That is the reason for all the hemming and hawing. – IMHO
Diana– He’s clearly involved with someone else, but keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn’t work out. My suggestion is to forget him and stop responding to his communications unless they involve a definite date invitation–for a weekend night, with a place and time.
Or, if you want to make yourself very clear, but in a sweet, non critical way–don’t answer his next email for a couple of days, then reply: ‘Sorry I haven’t had time to get back to you sooner–I’ve been crazy busy. I had a great time when we met and I’ll be happy to hear from you when you are ready to make a firm dinner date for a Saturday night. Just tell me when and where–I look forward to seeing you.’
At this point, drinks, coffee, or a weekday date just don’t cut it after all the messing around….
Hey everybody,
Thanks a bunch for your comments on my column! I love hearing the different perspectives, and I’m especially gratified that people feel a connection to what I have to say. As a little P.S. I recently received an email from this same guy, who invited me to hear a reading of his new memoir. He added, “And we can still get together and have that drink, you know!” He needs to keep the non-date dating alive!
Diana Amsterdam
Hi Diana, Kissing you in the bar does not necessarily mean that he is interested you and available. Clearly he is not available to you, it is not a matter of HSCI, so don’t waste your time on him. Best regards, Chaim
Bill, the reason why I don’t respond is the men who contact me are not in my income bracket. I am looking for men who are executives or managers and those who contact me are not. So, I just do not respond.
Is it something about hookup men, in particular. I’m in late 40′s, was on another dating site where the men seem to be open to women their own age and older. I was shocked to look at the profiles here and see that pretty much all the men over, say 45, want someone at least 10 years younger than themselves. Few even specify a woman their OWN age in their profile! Seriously? Do they keep harboring hope that the hot young woman will come along? Or do they just get caught up in the online madness (wondering who will pop up next on their screen?) I’m still new to 100hookup so I’m curious to see how it pans out and if I experience what you describe, but my very initial emails indicate more of a hesitancy here to actually set up meetings than I’ve experienced elsewhere. Look forward to reading more!
Ladies,
It seems we all have the same senarios. In my business (real estate) I have learned that it takes many no’s before you get the “YES” so when I come across these game-playing chatters with no invitation in sight, I just say thank you and move on. You might ask why I thank them. Because that put me one closer to the YES.
Try ending some of yours with a thank you…you WILL feel better!
Good luck!
good insight into what “the other side” is really thinking! BTW, nice bit of writing.
I guess I will just jump into this land mine laiden field — foolish me.
As I read the responses to Diana Amerstadam’s article. I didn’t notice a single comment that reflected that any of the men in question — were — well —- curious about the women in question. I don’t mean physical attraction. Obviously beautiful attractive women — but how many of these men spent time bugging you with questions?
What makes you they way you are? What’s your job and what do you like or don’t about it? How is your life? What is your life? Like to read? What? Why? Hate TV? Why? Etc . . .etc.
Now granted not many people like to be bombarded with these on a first date. But perhaps, before that first date . . . certainly the emails contained skirmishes of content with depth and inquisition such that the man in question was curious . . . if not fascinated with who you were/are beneath all that success and beauty or pehaps I should say inconjunction with – smile. Granted, being swept into an armful of delectible kisses is great, for sure. But dilectible kisses does not a long term meaningful relationship guarantee. He may like you — but does he want to get know you? And if there’s no evidence of that — why are you going out with him in the first place? Certainly, a woman may ask a man out on a date — And when it is spontaneous, there is little expectation that the person engage in anything but ‘small talk.’ Perhaps, just maybe in this day and age – this should change.
What’s wrong with these men may be a pertinent question, but what’s wrong with women who consistently go out with men who aren’t excited about they are — or at least sincerely curious. There are plenty of men who are hungry for relationships with women beyond, a Cary Grant, William Powell kiss. They are bright, intelligent, funny, masculine . . .and no doubt they are looking for women whom they are curious about.
This is very different era, and women have largely made it so with respect to relationships . . . and men have not responded to effectively to this change — well, some men. It doesn’t mean they are playing games, neccessairly, they simply are groping with what the rules are and the consequences of the same. Maybe it’s just in the large cities that the scenarios described here exist.
For the record, the reason I am not married is soley based on my finances. Maybe I waited too long to get my degrees — but I have no intention of apologizing for not having children out wedlock . . . or a string of one nighters. As a man, rock climbing, parachuting, ditch digging etc . . . masculine guy — I don’t think there’s anything the matter with men . . . And if there’s a game being played — it certainly not one sided . . .
excuse the grammatical erros
I feel so much better after reading this article and the subsequent comments… at least I know that I am not the only one who has had a relationship that has rarely been taken “to the street” or “off the screen”.
L
Around 80% of the women I send an initial-contact email to do not even have the courtesy to write back and say “thanks for writing but I don’t think we have anything in common.” If a man takes the initiative to put himself out there by making the first contact and for most of his efforts he gets no reponse from the woman, why even bother? There are too many women on this site lacking common social etiquette.
I think the book, “Why Men Love Bitches”, by Sherry Argov, gets it right in more ways than one. Older or younger – they mostly all are operating under the same mindset. They ‘say’ they want women who are independant, but when it comes right down to it — the second the thrill of the chase is gone, so are they.
The ‘idea’ of asking a woman out(‘on a date’-gasp!)in the true sense of the word is as good as gone. The younger ones just want sex with older women, or sex with ANY women, until they have an epiphany and they want to settle down and make babies. Its not just women who are on a ‘timeclock’ – and it seems that these days, men are waiting till their 40′s and even, dare I say – ’50′s to have kids! The nerve! Does anyone remember how years ago a man who was never married in his late 30′s was considered ‘odd’?? Not anymore – its the norm. This is true as any older woman who uses online dating will have surely realize.
So, my point is — back to why men act the way they do– as per Ms. Argov — no matter how much you absolutely hate to play games, and how you are just so tired of not being able to show your true emotions — the only real control we have is never letting them think they truly ‘have’ us.
Diana:
Over50? A-ha! I had one invite me out six times..Sunday, Tuesday, Monday, Sunday, Wednesday, Tuesday…The last time, as he was parked in front of my door he asked, “Would you like to come back to my place?”. I bit my tongue and thought to myself, “Would you like to be seen with me on a Saturday night as the girl you are dating?”.
One of my biggest frustrations with online dating and men over 50 is the idea that they are always looking over your shoulder for the “next best thing”. They come, they go, they keep looking, they come back.
Perhaps it’s time for me to read, “He’s Just Not That In To You”. I’ve operated under that premise for a long time…but I’m glad I’m not the only one who experiences all the signs of interest followed by nothing.
G
Let’s face it, men “of a certain age” have problems in bed. B’H” for the exceptions. So, these guys don’t have the motivation to call or follow through etc. that a younger man does when he knows he will not have those problems.
This is so good to read. Mid 50′s having taken to the online dating life with gusto now that I’m 3 years post D, I have arrived at similar conclusion as this article and thread. I commit my own share of aloof in this online dating game now, but I have learned that drill from the way the men have set the tone. The thrill of the chase and the gender’s strong taste for freedom can make us question our value if not careful. We like committment. They like the hunt. If they aren’t beating down our doors, who needs them? When they aren’t that into us, perfect reason to respond in kind. Not easy to find a needle in the haystack. But don’t stop looking. Keeping busy with our own lives is key. I too thought it would be easier, having alot going for myself. But it seems the post baby mating years require an entirely new connection point when it comes to forging the ties around long term committment. Sad how intimacy eludes so many men who you’d think would have come of age by now. I’ve had great dates and email conversations, phone calls and the expectation for rapport to continue and grow only to have the gents go poof in the night. Every word we utter is like them sizing us up at a job interview it seems. You can’t help but wonder what is clicking along in their brains if they realize you are a healthy, capable of intimacy woman. Some kind of fight or flight mechanism seems to show up. Too bad a few who’ve played their hands tenaciously were just not compatible enough for my needs. But at least that tells me that the ones who really want you, do indeed make that known. If there are too many question marks in how you’re treated early on, just imagine how nasty it would get once you really got involved. Somewhere I once read rejection is protection.
OMG!!!! I thought it was just me going through this!!!!!!!!!!! thank you for making me feel its not me! I have been meet men that have been doing just that.. I really thought its the site that just sets up these guys to keep you in.. Since i have been on 3mo i havent met any. I even let them know i am not online and do not want an email buddy. its frustrating!!
Aileen is right! I read that book so many times that I can quote it by heart! If he is not falling over himself he is not your guy…. Move on dot org is what I say to myself. If we aren’t laughing we are crying so make it amusing for yourself and your girlfriends!
I am 57 and dating 2 years with the same experience.
When I left my husband I thought I would easily replace him since I am pretty and educated.
Forget it, they are interested but no follow through.
What is wrong with men?
to me it sounds fine – he’s after a meet on or after the 15th. sad when the optimism of youth seems replaced by baggage – or is the issue here about him-on-demand rather as opposed to a more easy-going friendship?
Let’s face it ladies “he’s just not that into you” or me. Read the book. It says it all. If the guy really was interested distance, age, and his awaiting heart transplant would not keep him from scheduling a date ASAP!
Diana: I am 55 and I have decided not to ever again suffer waiting for that phone to ring when he said he would call, or that email to pop on my computer screen when it is his turn to write! So last October a 100hookupr who lives just a few blocks from my house showed strong interest in me. He was 12 years younger! So I told him I would want to go slow and make sure he is serious about his interest. We met 5 times but never on a “real” date. And lo and behold I started caring for him. When it was time to go on a real date, he stopped calling. I invited him twice ( sounds familiar?) to 2 different events, which he could not make, and he did not offer an alternative choice of something else to do together. Suddenly he stopped calling, and the waiting was becoming difficult. So, decided not to fall for the pain again… I had seen a guy from Mexico City look at my profile again and again, numerous times…I decided I needed a distraction!! and I instant messaged him saying: “Hei! Are you going to keep looking at my profile and you will never dare say Hi? Who brought you up?” He found it funny and this was in November…3 weeks later he got himself a ticket to visit me in Minnesota (in December, the coldest of months!). A month ago we vacationed together in Puerto Vallarta, and Thursday this week I am traveling to Mexico City and from there we are going to Playa del Carmen, with daughter and all!
In the meantime, this other younger fool has kept calling me once or twice a month! And every time he calls he says we should get together, and just for fun, I tell him “Sure, any time! Just let me know!”… but he has yet to ask me out! He has no idea he has missed the boat!
I am with you Diana! It is one of my pet peeves–dating or with friends or family–if we both agree to connect and the dates I offer don’t work, the decent thing to do is to come back with alternate dates. I lose respect for people who do not follow up with or follow through on their stated intentions.
Keep writing! I look forward to your next adventure.
Could it be that he likes space, he wants to chase u. Guys love games, that is until they fall in love, but compatiblity comes from games…. plus, distance hurts relationships in many ways, I’ve been a victim due to distance … dating is hard but distance makes it harder. That’s the real issue here, he may like u, most likely, but it could be possible he doesn’t want to be attached/feel obligated.
LOL! I know his twin brother in Los Angeles.
Brother! I have been talking to someone every day for a year and we’ve only been together twice! The other person is about 3 hours away and I have offered to drive there, but…..Can I relate or what!