STILL HOT, WHY NOT?
There are many kinds of constipation. One is called HSCI. This stands for Hemming-Humming Shuffling-Shiffling Chickens**t Inability of Men My Age to Ask Girls Out.
What is it with men my age? I met a man. We had a drink. We liked each other. He paid the tab, we held out our hands to shake—and on that handshake, he pulled me into him, and he kissed me.
Kissed me!!!!! You gotta understand. I’m 63. True, I look years younger and have the drive and energy of a Much Younger Woman (that is, before 9 at night) but still, how rare is it to get unexpectedly kissed in a bar by an attractive man? Age, wisdom, scarcity of men, and my own (thank God) lessening Drive make such moments a thing of the past. I felt all the surprise and sweet rush of a teenager.
So, I got really happy. And, it seems, so did he. Because, although he had recently moved to the Hamptons for the winter to write a book, he vigorously emailed me and called me, one two three times a week and, of course, I expected to see him again. True, he was out on Long Island, but I’m not that far away. Of course he’d suggest a date i.e. a time and place to see each other again.
Now, I can hear my brave and bold sisters asking “Why didn’t you ask him out, we don’t have to wait…” This deserves its own column but, truth be told, I did ask to see him. Twice. That’s my limit, girlfriends. Both times, he had 100% valid reasons that he couldn’t make the date; and both times, he did not come back with an alternate proposal.
Bad manners? Or maybe even the dread toy-with-women syndrome. Or maybe he wishes he had his own twin Goddesses at home. I should’ve dropped the guy, right? Right, but you see: I had hopes for him. Hopes. Hopes are good. He was right for me in so many ways. And then there were his emails; long chatty missives with plenty of references to time spent together:
I wish you were here so we could talk in a relaxed way and maybe take a walk.
I think about kissing you a lot.
There’s a great beach near here and I’d love to hold hands with you and walk there.
Finally, I raised the issue. I asked about being asked out. And here is his reply in an email:
Yes, an actual date. Which I am now formally asking you on. Would you like to go out? I will try to figure out when. As I said, I’m leaving for Cape Cod Tuesday and will probably stay through the weekend. But I’m not entirely sure. We might be better off to schedule something for sure when you return. Which is December 15th, right?
Does anybody see an actual Date in there??????????? Because I read it over eight times, and all I could find was a lot of michigos.
So there you have it, ladies and gents. A textbook case of HCSI–The Hemming-Humming Shuffling-Shiffling Chickens**t Inability of Men My Age to Ask Girls Out. Next time you’re on the phone with a 100hookup guy, and it’s going well, and comes to that moment when (pause) the guy should say, So, would you like to have a coffee this weekend? and he doesn’t, shriek HSCI!!! at the top of your lungs, hang up, and hope the fire department heard you and they’ll send over some men.
Diana Amsterdam is a published and produced playwright, screenwriter, scribe and branding guru; a single mom and grandmother of five exceptional children.
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Brother! I have been talking to someone every day for a year and we’ve only been together twice! The other person is about 3 hours away and I have offered to drive there, but…..Can I relate or what!
LOL! I know his twin brother in Los Angeles.
Could it be that he likes space, he wants to chase u. Guys love games, that is until they fall in love, but compatiblity comes from games…. plus, distance hurts relationships in many ways, I’ve been a victim due to distance … dating is hard but distance makes it harder. That’s the real issue here, he may like u, most likely, but it could be possible he doesn’t want to be attached/feel obligated.
I am with you Diana! It is one of my pet peeves–dating or with friends or family–if we both agree to connect and the dates I offer don’t work, the decent thing to do is to come back with alternate dates. I lose respect for people who do not follow up with or follow through on their stated intentions.
Keep writing! I look forward to your next adventure.
Diana: I am 55 and I have decided not to ever again suffer waiting for that phone to ring when he said he would call, or that email to pop on my computer screen when it is his turn to write! So last October a 100hookupr who lives just a few blocks from my house showed strong interest in me. He was 12 years younger! So I told him I would want to go slow and make sure he is serious about his interest. We met 5 times but never on a “real” date. And lo and behold I started caring for him. When it was time to go on a real date, he stopped calling. I invited him twice ( sounds familiar?) to 2 different events, which he could not make, and he did not offer an alternative choice of something else to do together. Suddenly he stopped calling, and the waiting was becoming difficult. So, decided not to fall for the pain again… I had seen a guy from Mexico City look at my profile again and again, numerous times…I decided I needed a distraction!! and I instant messaged him saying: “Hei! Are you going to keep looking at my profile and you will never dare say Hi? Who brought you up?” He found it funny and this was in November…3 weeks later he got himself a ticket to visit me in Minnesota (in December, the coldest of months!). A month ago we vacationed together in Puerto Vallarta, and Thursday this week I am traveling to Mexico City and from there we are going to Playa del Carmen, with daughter and all!
In the meantime, this other younger fool has kept calling me once or twice a month! And every time he calls he says we should get together, and just for fun, I tell him “Sure, any time! Just let me know!”… but he has yet to ask me out! He has no idea he has missed the boat!
Let’s face it ladies “he’s just not that into you” or me. Read the book. It says it all. If the guy really was interested distance, age, and his awaiting heart transplant would not keep him from scheduling a date ASAP!
to me it sounds fine – he’s after a meet on or after the 15th. sad when the optimism of youth seems replaced by baggage – or is the issue here about him-on-demand rather as opposed to a more easy-going friendship?
I am 57 and dating 2 years with the same experience.
When I left my husband I thought I would easily replace him since I am pretty and educated.
Forget it, they are interested but no follow through.
What is wrong with men?
Aileen is right! I read that book so many times that I can quote it by heart! If he is not falling over himself he is not your guy…. Move on dot org is what I say to myself. If we aren’t laughing we are crying so make it amusing for yourself and your girlfriends!
OMG!!!! I thought it was just me going through this!!!!!!!!!!! thank you for making me feel its not me! I have been meet men that have been doing just that.. I really thought its the site that just sets up these guys to keep you in.. Since i have been on 3mo i havent met any. I even let them know i am not online and do not want an email buddy. its frustrating!!
This is so good to read. Mid 50’s having taken to the online dating life with gusto now that I’m 3 years post D, I have arrived at similar conclusion as this article and thread. I commit my own share of aloof in this online dating game now, but I have learned that drill from the way the men have set the tone. The thrill of the chase and the gender’s strong taste for freedom can make us question our value if not careful. We like committment. They like the hunt. If they aren’t beating down our doors, who needs them? When they aren’t that into us, perfect reason to respond in kind. Not easy to find a needle in the haystack. But don’t stop looking. Keeping busy with our own lives is key. I too thought it would be easier, having alot going for myself. But it seems the post baby mating years require an entirely new connection point when it comes to forging the ties around long term committment. Sad how intimacy eludes so many men who you’d think would have come of age by now. I’ve had great dates and email conversations, phone calls and the expectation for rapport to continue and grow only to have the gents go poof in the night. Every word we utter is like them sizing us up at a job interview it seems. You can’t help but wonder what is clicking along in their brains if they realize you are a healthy, capable of intimacy woman. Some kind of fight or flight mechanism seems to show up. Too bad a few who’ve played their hands tenaciously were just not compatible enough for my needs. But at least that tells me that the ones who really want you, do indeed make that known. If there are too many question marks in how you’re treated early on, just imagine how nasty it would get once you really got involved. Somewhere I once read rejection is protection.
Let’s face it, men “of a certain age” have problems in bed. B’H” for the exceptions. So, these guys don’t have the motivation to call or follow through etc. that a younger man does when he knows he will not have those problems.
Diana:
Over50? A-ha! I had one invite me out six times..Sunday, Tuesday, Monday, Sunday, Wednesday, Tuesday…The last time, as he was parked in front of my door he asked, “Would you like to come back to my place?”. I bit my tongue and thought to myself, “Would you like to be seen with me on a Saturday night as the girl you are dating?”.
One of my biggest frustrations with online dating and men over 50 is the idea that they are always looking over your shoulder for the “next best thing”. They come, they go, they keep looking, they come back.
Perhaps it’s time for me to read, “He’s Just Not That In To You”. I’ve operated under that premise for a long time…but I’m glad I’m not the only one who experiences all the signs of interest followed by nothing.
G