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Spiritual Compatibility in Relationships

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Visualize the life you want and create it with your spiritually compatible partner

Below is my interview with celebrity personal trainer and JivaMutki yogi Jai Sugrim on the topic of spiritual compatibility in relationships.  In this interview, we cover how to develop a spiritual practice, the top five ways to know if you are not spiritually compatible with your date and how to create the foundation of a spiritual relationship.

Describe the importance of a spiritual practice.

If each person has some form of spiritual practice on their own, things are more likely to go smoother.  There are things we come into a relationship with when we meet someone we like and we have a list of characteristics that we expect them to live up to.

We need room for a person to not be so perfect; because inevitably in the time we spend together we will not meet each other’s expectations.  If we have a form of spiritual practice, we are much more forgiving.

People are under a lot of stress today. We are very demanding of ourselves and if there can be flexibility and compassion for the times when we don’t perform the way our partners want us to or we don’t fulfill the way they want us to; there can then be ease and understanding.  This builds deeper connection instead of rigidity and expectations.

Because I have my practice I have compassion; when we have flexibility, a relationship can be sustained and will last longer.

What is most important in developing a personal spiritual practice?

What is most important is being grounded in your own self.  When you are deeply connected and rooted within yourself and understand yourself as an infinite being, you can then develop yourself and look for someone that has similar value systems.

Before looking for a partner who has a spiritual practice, first ask yourself the question “Do I have my own spiritual practice?”

If someone goes to a yoga class and is trying to do the poses without breathing properly, it defeats the intention of doing yoga. If you don’t have a spiritual practice but are looking to connect with someone who teaches yoga, you are looking for the cache that yoga confers. It’s like the banker who wants to date the dancer.  You are looking at the outer form more than looking at how this person can stimulate spiritual growth.

What is the foundation of a spiritual relationship?

A spiritual relationship is built upon the foundation that both partners are going to support each other as they grow.  It is about getting to another level of perception with your partner.

If your values are not aligned, the relationship won’t go very far.  For example, I could meet a physically attractive girl, but if she doesn’t have a spiritual practice, there’s less of a connection and less of a desire to go on a first, second or third date with her. I know it can only go to the surface level so I wont even pursue the next date.

However, if she does prayers in the morning that means she’s checking in with her soul before she starts her day and I know she’s grounded on the inside, which is very intriguing to me.

What are the top five deal breakers to forming a spiritual relationship?

Top five deal breakers:

  • Dependence on substances
  • Poor health
  • Obsession with technology
  • Overly intellectual but lacking in sensitivity- to sit still and be silent is difficult for the person
  • Poor nutrition

The obsession with technology is a huge deal breaker. Spiritual practice is ultimately about becoming powerful enough to control your mental state.  For example, yoga is a chance for me to purify my body.   It is a chance for me to feel great at the beginning of the day. When I begin looking at my device on a way to a date, my mind becomes fragmented. I can’t focus on clearing my mind and feeling good.  Some of the thoughts around devices can shift your state into a negative frame. 

If I am out to dinner on a date with a girl and her phone is constantly buzzing and interrupts the conversation, I can tell that her attention span is scattered and she is not focused on getting to know me.  She is not even aware of the level of fragmentation it causes in our interaction.  When I date, my phone is always off or I let my date know I am expecting an important call.  It is a courtesy to be in their presence and respond in a natural and intuitive way when I am sparked.  When there is an organic connection, we feel expansive and it brings us out of the isolation that technology puts us in. 

How do you write a spiritually fit text message to a date?

Calibrate your text messages! Craft your messages in a way that is clear so you are thinking of the meaning of the communication and it comes across in a clear way.  Be economical in your use of words and be effective in communication.  Instead of telling someone the same message through five text messages, aim to be very specific, positive and uplifting. 

How is level of consciousness being affected by technology?

Technology has fragmented our minds. Spiritual practice is the technology for the individual to develop.  It is the mechanics of consciousness with the breath and with high intention.  My intention is to feel connected to all other human beings.  I come out more connected, and I’m less confused.  Consciousness must meet our technology as we evolve now.  We are starting to shift out of that.

Describe how to spot the divine feminine or divine masculine when dating.

Divine means that we are expanding past this realm into the ultimate essence of the male and female form: the G-d essence.   What would G-d be if G-d were a man? What would G-d be if G-d were a woman?

A divine masculine man would be completely in charge of his destiny as best he could in this world.  He would be someone who chooses his mental state.  He will be aware that something negative just happened and instead of getting angry, he will acknowledge his anger pattern, take a breath in and then choose to think “What can I do about this situation” and then change his state.  A divine masculine man would also look at his health. He will say what is this pill about rather than just taking what is prescribed and he will try natural, organic foods.  He will do a job he is really passionate about and his enthusiasm will be infectious.  If he wants to be in finance, he will be completely ethical and forthright.  A divine masculine male will be in alignment with his essence.  He will be able to look at fear, and in the face of fear, maintain strength. 

A divine feminine is known for “shakti” or creative energy.  A woman holds the whole universe in her body.  Women can bear life, so their essence is nurturing, supportive and loving.  The masculine is the warrior energy.  The feminine is the healing, nurturing and supportive space. The essence is to express love and grace. Poise, calibrated intelligence, sensitivity.  To be in a heart centered feeling, nurturing space.  Ethereal, beautiful, clean.  The divine feminine is a woman who knows who she is and knows that she is a soul.

When you are in your divine essence, your vibration will attract the other.  When you are doing your own practice, you can recognize someone who does his or her spiritual practice.  Their eyes are different.  They would not look at their cell phone on a date five times. They would be doing something they enjoyed with their life.  There would be passion and vibrancy about them.  They would use language in a way that is more precise.  They would not waste their life on words that don’t matter.  A master chooses their words carefully. 

How can you use spiritual practice to discipline the mind?

Once you have disciplined your mind, it will infinitely help a relationship.  For example, a lot of times we wake up and we are still in a fog and the day is not clear. When a master wakes up, they create their day.  Conversely, they use their practice to create the entire experience of a date.  Someone who has a disciplined mind is committed to being present with their date. For example, after my morning practice, I will not be in a divided state and on the phone during a date.  I can make great connections when I have a focused mind and I’m tuned into my date.  My behavior is more random and selfish when it is less calibrated.  There is power in starting your day with focus, clarity and then truly waking up.  Leave the house clear-minded and create your experience for the day. Spiritual practice provides tremendous clarity. If people in relationships could be clearer, relationships would go much smoother. 

What are some “spiritual” turn-ons?

I am spiritually turned onto a woman who is independent of the need of what I want her to be. A woman who feels complete without me is a very powerful thing.  I am also turned onto a woman that is disciplined in her spiritual practice.  If you have a disciplined mind, you say what you mean and mean what you say. Great eye contact is also extremely important.  Eye contact symbolizes comfort with your own self.  If there is a part of yourself that you are uncomfortable with, it is refracted back.  If your inside is uncomfortable, you will shift with your eyes. 

Any tips for spiritual newcomers?

Go to great teachers! It could be a Buddhist master, Kaballah teacher or yoga instructor, but the most important thing is to find someone you connect with.  When you are around this teacher, you feel good! They help encourage your personal growth. The master will inspire you, make you feel good and give you something to do.  It all leads to the road inside yourself. Once you find your own spiritual practice, you become very grounded. You will be more relaxed, centered and have something to offer another person.

Any final dating tips for finding someone you are spiritually compatible with?

Find someone who enjoys connecting with themselves on the inside.  If you are pursuing health, but dating someone who is into drinking four times a week, those are different paths and you will be tempted and taken off your personal path.  Find someone that is on the same spiritual track as you. 

When two people meet that have spiritual practice, the relationship is more fun.  It becomes multi dimensional.  Depth feels good! You have a deep reverence for the people around you if you feel tremendous love and compassion for your partner. Even if you go to work and your boss is angry and bitter, you can start to feel compassion for your boss because of the connection you are feeling through your partner.  You start to look at all walks of life through the eyes of love.  You can expand that into loving everyone else and being more flexible and less rigid. 

About Jai Sugrim

Jai Sugrim is an expert in the field of peak performance and the science of optimal experience. He has worked with some of the most talented athletes, entrepreneurs, Fortune 500 executives, actors/actresses, and influential individuals of our time. During the 2000 and 2001 seasons, Jai worked as a personal trainer with the New York Yankees, where he earned a Subway Series Championship Ring. He has also been featured on the Today Show and various national publications. Jai uses the principles of psychoneureolgy, employing specific procedures to coach clients in the modalities of mindset, movement, fitness, nutrition, and image management to create a confident and artful approach to living.

About the Author
Kristen Ruby is the President & Founder of Ruby Media Group, a Social Media Marketing, Public Relations & Personal Branding Agency. Follow Kris on Twitter @sparklingruby or via her blog.

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  • Llewellyn says:


    Hi Folks, I have been having discussions on Skype with people from many countries during the past few of months. They are people who want to discuss spiritual matters with me because of my writings, after having had access to them or hearing about them from others. Most of these people are well educated and have read a lot on spirituality, religion, meditation, Buddhism and so on.

    In our discussions they like to quote certain stanzas or sayings that are contained in the various teachings to show that they know as to what they are talking about. Even about meditation or mantras they profess to know all about the subject as they have been taught by a famous or well known Guru (Teacher) from India or from someone who had been a student of a well known Guru. They just cannot accept the fact that I am just a normal person and not a Guru as such. According to their concept; a Guru is a person who is an ascetic living a frugal life and nothing – no worldly possessions – to call their own, whereas I am living in society and seem to be enjoying myself having access to and practical knowledge of all the modern accoutrements etc;

    They insist that to evolve spiritually a person must give up all items of materiality and be in an ashram or in isolation and it is then that they are able to discover the true reality of Life via meditation. I really feel sorry or sad for these people because they do not seem to realize that by being insistent in attempting to prove to me that they are evolved and have realized the true reality of Life, they are actually pandering to their ego, which is a negative trait that is consistent in spiritually un-evolved people.

    An evolved person will speak about his/her knowledge of the spiritual realm but will never go to the extent of trying to ram that information down the throats of other people. An evolved being says what is important and is the truth without any exaggeration and leaves it to the listener or reader either to accept it or reject it. The reason being knowledge about Life and Nature, which is the totality of living our life in harmony with everything in Creation, is not the domain of any single person. It is common to all who know how to access and thereafter realize it.

    These people keep on talking about the true reality of this and the true reality of that implying that there are many true realities, and this is where they really show their ignorance. When I put to them the question: “If you have been living in a false reality from birth and as an adult you become a student of spiritual development, how would you recognize the true reality from the false if or when you confront it?”
    This is a question that really stumps them and they begin to bluster and say that they know but cannot explain the difference.

    People! There is only ONE TRUE REALITY and it is most difficult to elucidate to people who have been soaked in skepticism to the truth from birth and have been further indoctrinated in the various propagated false realities.

    Do you know that in my writings of over twenty years I have been telling people to try and discover the true reality but not even one person up to now has ever questioned me as to how they could discern the difference between the false and true realities. I have never explained to anyone what the true reality is and exactly how one is able to access it. Even in Buddhism which is the font of spiritual knowledge there isn’t a clear or exact explanation about it. This is because Buddhism follows the dictum: ‘Throw not pearls before swine.’

    The true reality has to be individually discovered and the path to this discovery has to be under the guidance of a true master. People who have discovered the true reality or even a part of it lead totally different lives to others. They are detached from everything material even though they can amass material wealth. This wealth is used for the benefit of those less fortunate. They are able to live in society and be detached from it.

    What I mean by being ‘detached’ is; People who are able to control their thoughts and thinking, people who do not become emotional even if they lose anything of theirs be it a child, a parent, or anything that is of materiality. They accept receiving and losing with the same attitude – stoically – only because the true reality is the mental, not emotional, acceptance that everything in Nature is illusory and impermanent and the true reality is permanent and can be only realized when one is able to enter the realm of the spirit through deep and selfless meditation.

    Seekers of the truth of Life just accept that there is a true and false reality but do not seem to realize that without actually knowing the difference and/or knowing how to differentiate the two they go nowhere in all their attempts to evolve spiritually.

    Therefore, the next time you use the term “True Reality” in your conversation with another be quite sure you know what you are actually talking about, otherwise you will only be prattling nonsense.

    ………..Llewellyn Buultjens…………………..

  • janice says:

    good article proud of you love you man

  • Pearl says:

    What’s divinity? If we fit into a few characteristics that make us divine? When can we stop looking outside ourselves to complete oneself? Is that any chance when we are still looking without realizing we are all complete already, with or without a mate. I hope people who stop using spirituality to decorate themselves.

  • Jennifer says:

    I agree one hundred percent with Jai’s perspective of common spiritual practice adding more depth to your relationship. Having a common spiritual practices translates to how you live your life on a day to day basis and what remains the true focus of your life overall and having those things in common can really help keep people attracted to each other in the long run. I love this column and keep writing! Looking forward to the next piece

  • Gopala says:

    I know Jai, and I was wondering if he understands the concept of PRACTICING WHAT HE PREACHES!

  • Sharon, Israel says:

    Good article, but I realized from my own experience in dating, that having mutual spiritual grounds, isn’t a gurantee for a relationship to form or grow into something serious. If someone is truly my beshert, I won’t let them go just ’cause they don’t relate to Judaism as I do.
    Clicking could happen even with someone who’s not a believer.

    However, I do agree that people need to connect with their inner self, and maybe learn to open their hearts more, if they want another person in their lives.

  • Jay says:

    Amazing article & some fantastic points!1! Keep writing more love the column

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