The 6 Kisses We All Hate
There are so many ways to mess up the first kiss! Like signing a letter, a smooch wraps up the first date. Sometimes the first kiss can save an otherwise awful evening. Other times, it can destroy whatever progress you and your date have made throughout the night. Here are the 6 worst kisses that are sure to make your date kiss you goodbye for good!
1. The Lizard
Frantic and fleeting, your date’s tongue is in and out of your mouth like they’re testing the temperature of a swimming pool. What are they so afraid of? Tongue action, while a little forward for a first kiss, can be appreciated, but only if done well.
2. The Log Flume
Like those amusement park rides that look great from the ground, you’re excited to test out your date’s kissing style. But by the end, half of your face is drenched. Only it’s not gross theme park water – it’s saliva! Yuck! You should never have to wipe your face after a kiss. Too much spit (or drool) can be an absolute deal breaker!
3. The Vampire
Blame it on the Twilight craze, but everyone and their brother seem to be going for the jugular. Hickeys are for grade school, not for grown-ups. Bruises, bloody lips and sharp pinches should never be the result of a makeout session – isn’t kissing supposed to be fun?
4. The Macarena
There are a few people out there who think that 90’s dance craze isn’t just for hands. Their tongues flip left, right, up, down and then spin in circles. Meanwhile, you’re trying desperately to close your lips and exorcise whatever demon has inhabited your mouth. No thanks. You two probably won’t be dating for long.
5. The Notebook
Remember that scene in The Notebook when Allie jumps on Noah who lifts her up effortlessly while they share a deeply passionate kiss? Of course you do, that scene is amazing. But it’s a little extreme for the first kiss, and though the guy is clearly taking notes from Ryan Gosling (not a bad teacher), he’s gotta be pretty strong to manage this one. Plus, do you really know each other well enough to share that much lust? This one is better suited for the movies, or for reunions between soul mates.
6. The Watcher
Nobody really looks great while they’re kissing. But your date doesn’t care. Don’t mind their wide-open eyes while you’re trying to press your lips to theirs, your date is just enjoying the view! They’re scoping the scene. Assessing the situation. And in their eyes, you’re perfect. Just perfect. If only you felt the same – you can’t focus though because your date’s stare is just so damn creepy.
Let’s hope you’ve never had to deal with any of these kissing catastrophes. They’re all real and they’re all up there in the “Awful Kiss Hall of Fame.” But if you do find yourself stuck with a weirdo, of which there are plenty in the dating scene, pull back, smile, and try again, this time your style. Hopefully they’ll take the hint. And if not? You shut the door, walk upstairs and call it a night!
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Why so angry? What’s the point?
For the empty headed perverts who absent mindlessly think that french kissing is STD free, think again.
Keep your dirty tongue in your mouths. we don’t know you and we don’t want your potentially diseased saliva in ours.
For the record, no man will ever put their hands on me on the first date. I can’t even imagine any woman who is worth anything letting a guy french kiss her on the first date. How desperate can you be?
https://www.reuters.com/article/2009/05/12/us-hpv-infection-idUSTRE54B61920090512
I believe in going w/the flow. Setting up barriers for making love is the beginning of the end, so uncool. To each his/her own sans pain.
You are soooo funny!!!! hehehehe. By the way, I am a woman, I am hookup, and there’s NOTHING better than a good kiss… Oh well, there is, but not on a first date! LOL
I think a good kiss is perfect ending of a first date… But there must be a good chemistry connection… otherwise any kiss would not be welcomed. (I have turned my face on a couple of them I must say)
“A kiss is a lovely trick designed to stop speech when words become superfluous.”–Ingrid Bergman
Different strokes for different folks, there’s no handbook to the perfect kiss, everybody likes different things, what makes you the expert on kissing???
Funny but true! jajaajaja
This “first date smooch” crap is strictly out of the movies.
I’ve got to say that you’ve got a great sense of humor and a terrific sense of what many women probably abhor… I’m not a fan of the French kiss (never was) and you’ve characterized it rather well! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one : )
This just might be the problem with hookup women.. prudes who don’t enjoy the pleasures of the body. What do you want janis, a peck like my bubbie?
wet and sloppy. Horrible!
I believe the word is “exorcise,” not “exercise whatever demon has inhabited your mouth” in The Macarena.
The Lizard…
aka Racetrack!… haha
Great article…