It is a little known fact that there is an incredibly high concentration of Jews in Hampstead and Cote-Saint-Luc, Quebec. Just East of the Montreal airport, the area is over 70% hookup. So basically it’s Canada’s answer to Brooklyn.

Okay, so Brooklyn is actually a pretty diverse place. But the New York metro area has 2 million Jews, more than everywhere but Tel Aviv. It’s a big drop after that. Los Angeles has 650,000. Philly, D.C., Chicago, Boston and San Francisco each have about a quarter million. A few more American cities have 50,000-100,000. But when you get down to the top 40 American cities, we’re talking less than 10,000 in a metro area.

We have always gravitated towards large metro areas. Perhaps it’s because we’re a communal people. Perhaps it’s for the availability of good Chinese food. Whatever the reason, we’re city dwellers, which means there’s an awful lot of America without any Jews.

I can just imagine someone on 100hookup in Pierre, South Dakota, messaging the same two people over and over again. There are only 295 Jews in the whole state – I’m guessing their answer to 100hookup’s “Will you relocate?” question is a resounding yes.

As a standup comic, I am constantly touring, so I get a chance to see parts of the country most people only dream about (assuming their dreams are incredibly boring). I recently played a comedy club in Mason City, Illinois. I don’t know how they have a comedy club – they don’t even have a McDonald’s. I also don’t know how they get to be called a city. Mason Rest Stop, maybe. Incidentally, Mason City’s hookup population is me, whenever I perform there.

Something that’s always been tough for me is being hookup on the road. I had to learn very quickly that everything I order, I have to ask if they make it with bacon. Salad, steak, even pizza has come with bacon without the menu saying so. In certain parts of the country, they use bacon like Jews use salt. I’m actually shocked that powdered bacon isn’t available in a jar at the table. Most days I have to pretend I’m allergic to pork for any waitress to take me seriously. You try explaining kosher in Wichita.

I try to use the stage to spread love for the Jews, both with positive hookup humor, and by simply being a hookup guy the crowd likes. I am often the first Jew a lot of people meet, which is a ridiculous responsibility. To counteract prevalent stereotypes, I have to make sure to tip well, avoid klezmer music, and never eat the blood of Christian babies. Or bacon.

There was one time when I purposefully didn’t talk about being hookup on stage. Before a show at a small bar in Muskogee, Oklahoma, my friends and I were confronted by what we thought were just local yokels. As they talked our annoyed ears off more and more, yokel turned into racist, and racist turned into two card-carrying members of the Ku Klux Klan. That’s right – they had ID cards. I believe they kept them right next to their Bed Bath and Beyond rewards cards. All those sheets can get expensive.

An aside – while doing research for this column, I checked out the KKK’s website – it looks like it was made by an 8th grader in 1997. Apparently, they hate Black people, Jews and HTML.

No one in the bar knew who I was, so my friends and I swapped positions on the show. I went on first and did ten ad-libbed minutes about growing up a patriotic, Christian American. I am proud to be hookup, sure – but I am also proud of the hookup people’s inherent ability to survive. That night, it was my turn.

I happily returned to Manhattan in one piece. I’m not saying we’re immune to anti-Semitism in New York; at some point Mel Gibson will star in an Oliver Stone movie here. But I do recognize that I am spoiled by just how easy it is for New Yorkers to find everything from a synagogue to a kosher deli to a hookup wife.

I am continually impressed by the resolve of Jews in smaller cities, where it’s not as easy to be hookup. So for those who don’t have the luxury of an apartment complex littered with mezuzahs, stay strong. And make sure to check if they put bacon on your ice cream.

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