Still Hot, Why Not?
WARNING: This column contains references to a middle-aged woman having sex. If you find this ridiculous, repugnant, or inherently comical, or if you’re my son or daughter-in law, stop reading NOW.
Girls, here is the column you’ve been waiting for. The one that discusses whether women our age (fifties, sixties, seventies and older) should still be interested in SEX!!!! Sorry, I couldn’t help capitalizing that word and adding four exclamation points. Because that is how the subject of SEX!!!! makes me feel. This may be because I don’t get SEX!!!! very often or, even more pathetically, because writing the word SEX!!!! is the closest I now come to having SEX!!!!
Among my girlfriends and me, sex inspires a great deal of discussion. Our viewpoints differ. Let me preface with an observation: It ain’t easy to get sex like it used to be. Why? Many reasons.
- We are older and men don’t want us like they used to.
- When we were younger, men wanted us more.
- We don’t find men our age attractive.
- We do find men our age attractive, but there aren’t any.
Oh sure, we kvetched about getting hit on, all that pesky attention—how annoying!—but when push came to shove, and it often did, we could have sex any time we wanted. That luxury has gone the way of home-made gefilte fish. There are exceptions. My new girlfriend P is 52 and she “meets men everywhere she goes,” and “loves being single!” Talking to P is inspiring but I try to avoid her.
All my other BFFs are experiencing some version of sex withdrawal:
- W, like moi, isn’t getting any. Yet she knows she wants sex and wants to have sex and wants to be having sex.
- S and B are firmly of the opinion that, now that we’re egg-free, we have no reason to be interested in sex. They express this eloquently by saying, “Eh!”
- P and H are married, so they have married sex which, like working out, is something you never want but then when you do it, you feel good.
There is one exception: my gorgeous sexy girlfriend whose initial I shall change: K. K is a party girl and bona fide cougar, and she is always getting laid, but she rarely hears from any of the guys (and occasional women) after the huff in the hay, and does that make her feel empty? I like to think so.
Of all these viewpoints, mine is best. Let me repeat that for you, in case you missed it:
I want sex and I want to have sex and I want to be having sex. And I’ll tell you why. Sex. That is the reason; that sums it up. If you haven’t had sex in so long that you’ve no idea what I’m talking about, you will soon turn into grout. If you’ve had sex recently, mazel.
WARNING AGAIN: If you are my son or daughter-in-law, stop reading NOW.
I had sex recently. YES!!!! I met an old boyfriend for dinner and admittedly had designs on him and I asked him quite nicely if he could relieve me of my burden and he was pretty damn thrilled (although he only dates women 37 and younger) and so I snuck him up through my basement (can’t let the doorman see me sleeping around) and we had sex. And listen. Listen. It was great. I’d forgotten all about it. How great it is. How it makes you feel. How it makes you do crazy things like scream, tremble, cry out and stop worrying. How it puts you skin-to-skin with another human being. Remember that? Another human being?
Things happen that you cannot control. You turn animal. Animal, as in: Animated. Not dead. And here’s the best part. It all works. All those parts of you that you thought were going the way of gefilte fish – they are still working, girls. YES!!!! Like Dairy Queen®, the creamery is functioning. And like they say about bicycles, if you don’t work it, it goes away. Maybe that’s not bicycles. I haven’t been working my brain very much. Like they say about muscles, work them, and they come back.
So here is my advice to you (not that you asked for it). SEX!!!!!!!
Diana Amsterdam is a published and produced playwright, screenwriter, scribe and branding guru; a single mom and grandmother of five exceptional children.
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This is a pretty epic blog post.
Dear Diana,
girl you had me laughing out loud – and on the other side it is sad how true your article is.
Especially the comment about married sex hahaha. Well I have been divorced for more than two years and no Sex at all (at least not with another human beeing 100 points on that comment).
But I must tell you it is out there, we are just unable to see it. I suppose we have to open our horizont and look around and not limit ourselfes to the nice “sexy” hookup guys who mostly want to date sexy blond shiksas or other races anyway!
I have recently started talking to a man who is sexy, eligble, successful but most of all interested and willing, but he is very far from beeing hookup.
But what the heck….. do I want to be single and without Sex for the rest of my life (53)? No, not at all so I am going new ways and see where this path is leading me.
Very kind regards
Vivian
ABSOLUTELY Frustrating…Ive been a Widower for almost 2 years now, Ive tried the Dating Sites (Including this one).. BUT the women arent interested in me, Im 5’5″/ 200 lbs (not svelte, but not exactly a beach ball,either.. I have all my own hair (no, not because I bought it), all my NATURAL teeth.. Not a Felon or on Welfare, no kids to ruin the evening…in short, I COULD be a “Catch”.. WHERE ARE ALL THESE WOMEN THAT WANT SEX, Anyhow?? We coould help each other out…..Oh Well, so much for my Kvetching…
Oh, I forgot to add, Im a Very Reform Jew.. (had to not feel very outnumbered here i the Austin ,TX area)
Yes, where are all these women that want sex??? I think you guys talk a good game…
I’m 76 and widowed for 16 months. I want sex but because of my age, if you can remember a long time ago, I have been brain-washed. Don’t do it until you get married. Well, I don’t intend to remarry so I have to unbrain-wash me. It’s very hard. I am only contacted by very young men and even though I think age is only a number, my sons are older than the men that contact me. They all want sex and I have been trying to put them off until I can feel confortable with them. What to do?? I need help or an older man. The older men want women 60 to 65. I am too old for them. Yet I see their face on the dating site over and over again. Did they get their match? Who knows. So far I remain un-sexed but wanting it.
we are here in encino ca. all my girlfriends want to have sex. i want to have sex, alot. so if your 50 to 60 and your chasing under 40′s your NOT going to be dating them and therefore not having sex. date within an appropriate age range. donna
Loved the article!
Here’s the scoop… get yourselves a younger lover….the BEST!
Ok… so I am a cougar…..but have had a long term relationship with this young lover….
I try…believe me… I try to meet men my age… they all seem to want my daughter ..so… why fight it ladies?
Life is just a fleeting moment… so grasp it…enjoy it…make it yours!
Love to all my sisters over 50… just go out and do your thing!
Love yourselves…..always….
I’m Risa
I’ve returned to my 20 year old self. ( and I’m 55)
After finding someone on 100hookup or wherever, I become totally obsessed with them, checking for in mail, checking the text in box on the phone. Then I tell all my girlfriends, then I write poetry.
(hint guys, if a girl is writing long letters, and you want to write short pithy phrases… to keep her interested try to respond to something she’s said. quality not quantity)
Have met a number of great guys and at the risk of making everyone who reads this jealous, the sex!! has been way better than my marriage. It’s amazing what these single guys know that my yeshiva bocher hubby of 32 years did not!
It was so nice with B that I would run to his place like 3 times a week.
Ultimately I may regret breaking it off… ( Did I really say I wanted someone with some status????) oy do I have to atone before Yom Kippur or what.
I totally get what the woman who wrote said about reprogramming herself to think sex without marriage is okay. My reprogram button is more about… Is the moment the point, or should I keep looking for a Mr. Right for forever… ie is it okay to be in a relationship just for the companionship and sex now, even if I may not want a future with this guy?
Plus, the real reprogram is, what If my economic situation is way better than his? How do I make that okay for the both of us?
Anyway If it’s too regular, like in a marriage, I lose the yearning. I panic at that point and want OUT! Could use some help with how to handle that emotion….
Another issue that was new to me… was that not all the guys function quite as automatically as they used to. I was like way freaked out at first but hey as long as you’re game, it’s fun to be skin on skin and make each other feel good… ( of course those drugs they advertise…. do help a bit)
It seems most women, find it way safer to rack up the pounds and crawl into a cave for safety. The secret, GUYs then is make them laugh, notice what they write or say, make them feel beloved and then treasures await.
PPSS, a few extra pounds is not a turn off to everyone. My girlfriend H who must have gained like 80 after her divorce, finds men all the time who love love making with her. so… then what is her secret? her wit intelligence and her English Accent! She makes them laugh and they vice versa.
Risa
SO, you’re over “50″ and you had sex with an “old boyfriend” who was “37″, that you had to sneak up to your apartment past your doorman?
NOW, from a man’s perspective, and women might not like the truth, but, women who want sex, first need to get a date, then a second date, then a third date, AND women who look in the mirror after a shower, after their gobs of make up are gone, and hair is washed and hanging, and body is not covered in loose clothing, have to realize that is THEM and they have to ‘get real’. BUT most want ‘younger men’ so they can feel younger. SO women who stop listening to the BS gurus and start to do what their grand ma did get a man and get “SEX”. Those that don’t stay on 100hookup forever.
To all the women who go for the younger men and their are many on 100hookup. From a man, only men who are losers, or just want sex, or looking for a mother type will date and have sex with an older women. SORRY, like it or not; every man knows this but most women like to pretend that a man is really interested in them.
Better living through chemistry. Athena Institute pioneered the development of human pheromones for men and women. Women are more discriminatory favoring men whose HLA types are most divergent from their own. Not surprising, men are non-discriminatory to HLA types. One day I walked into my sisters house with my usual cologne on bolstered with newly added the Athena pheromone product. As I walked past my 17 yo niece, she blurted out, “You smell really good!”. First and only time that happened. Did not enlighten anyone why, but smiled, thanked her for the compliment and thought that was a ringing product endorsement. While I don’t expect pheromones to be a magic bullet, I do think it helps get over the “chemistry” hurdle with women. I expect the same would be true for women. It will not make you younger or thinner, but it will make you “smell” younger to men, stepping hard if you will on their chemoattractive buttons. Doesn’t adversely effect performance as does alcohol intoxication.
I am a new 100hookup member, still getting the hang of this. I am 63. When I was growing up, 63 year-old-men went out with 45-52-year-old women because all of the 45-52 year-old men (men their age) were going out with 35-42 year-old women.
I am amazed to see women on 100hookup who apparently are in no way suffering from lack of self esteem. Either that, of they are living on another planet. A 62-year-old woman with “a few extra pounds” (based on her photo, the “few extra pounds” must be the money she forgot to exchange the last time she was in England), three kids who live at home and an income less than $35,000 is looking for a man with three times the income AND between the ages of 48-58. Forty-eight to 58??!!
I have already (in just two weeks) been rejected (nicely, though) as a possible date because of my age and the woman was 58.
As far as sex goes, most women my age whom I know socially act as if it is a burden. If someone asks you out on a second date and you don’t make at least make a risque joke or a sexual reference, you will not be asked out for a third date. That was true when I was 18, 35 and 55. I mean if you want someone who likes to play tennis, leave a tennis racquet in the living room when he picks you up and see if he comments. Get the drift?
Loved the article.
Yes we are over one hill but not the other. When will we all feel confident enough to show our lack of confidence when it comes to intimacy at this stage. Why do we have to write words that are like bait when all we really have to do is say”here i am. i am attracted to you; are you to me , yes, no, maybe, depending upon whether your minimum age group has answered the email you have written . Oh and why when someone states that they want an intelligent woman they send a sarcastic comment about “gee your really too smart for me” When it comes to romance , the degrees fly away in the wind to make room for the raw reality of our deepest essence……………………….
cute article; funnier comments…I am age 71.5,claim 66-69 on webdatesites( I can get away with easily) as men (there are exceptions in all my statemets) want younger women; women are more + or – in their stated desire (see OKCupid-trends) I want a man primarily for sex; everything else that I want I can get with others, but i refuse to shop for sex in this age of HIV and Hep. C…we all would be far more promiscuious if these incurables were not around. what is missing from this article is the distinction bewtween sex, love, and companionship…I want all 3, I want all 3 in one man, and that was elusive enough in my early 20′s when there were far more available, active able,alive candidates- i.e. A types! So, I take care of me & I do take a lover for sex when I encounter a ‘safe’ bet & experienced man, I take care of the other 2 needs also, while I look for one man that is all 3 for me (the odds against us)without prejudice to age,religion,
looks, & money but still require brains, experience, and a mensch! A compromise. One woman’s way…
Ladies, there ARE hookup men who are your age who want to meet you. And we are decent looking, employed, and available.
Don’t compromise on your principles, but be MORE picky. First, make your life alone rich and fulfilling.
Then narrow the dating funnel sooner and faster to avoid wasting your time, and ask the tough questions up front, BEFORE you meet and get involved with a guy. Ask those questions about his religion, age, etc. when you network with matchmakers, friends, and acquaintances, so you can quickly weed out anybody who doesn’t meet your requirements.
Maybe I’m unusual, but I date women my own age and older. Women who are grandparents. Women with wrinkle and gray hair. If I’m attracted, what difference does the age make?
I look forward to a great relationship including companionship, love, sex, and marriage with a woman even as much as 9 or 10 years older than I am. I’m happy with my life alone because being with somebody who is not what I want is not worth the time. I’d rather be alone and enjoy my great life than be in a relationship that isn’t what I want.
Take the same approach, let it radiate from you, and the men will find it attractive and then they will be coming after you.
Ladies if you want sex ,you may have to be a bit more emphatic! I feel most of us males are still trying to undrestand how some of the “new” societal rules can be engaged in and not destroy the basic anthropology. We either are “frozen” or unwilling to budge from me “Tarzan you Jane”. Boiled down you may just find your “batting of eyelashes” actually now creates a conundrum of approach avoidance ,easily enough solved . Maybe more clarity in your speech and perhaps doing whatever you determine to do in front of mutual friends so there can be immediate, either by word or behavior, reinforcement from those in proximity.
The easiest answer to getting sex for women 45 or older is younger men. They are almost always willing, they are SO much better looking than the grubby fat schlubs in their 50′s and 60′s and they don’t expect any commitments – and you don’t even have to spend much time trying to talk to them. Really – how much better can it get than that !!!!
For me, sex just for sex whether the partner is older or younger, would just feel empty. A genuine connection and trust come first.
Dave, your comments were right on the money. I want to date you!