Archive for December, 2010

Dear Tamar,

I used to receive “matches” in my inbox but I canceled the feature because I have never, ever gotten a single response from any of the matches sent to me. I actually have stopped sending messages to men and instead just respond to messages sent to me. Why don’t men answer?

Dear Match Me Up,

The matches 100hookup sends are merely recommendations made by a computer based on certain commonalities. In theory, it could work to create a shidduch, but you need to put in the work yourself to find the men whom you think would be a good match. It sounds like you’ve done that and are still not having much luck and are getting frustrated. Take a deep breath. We’ve all gone through this, men and women alike!

As a woman myself, I also used to only respond to men’s emails because I was trying to think of it as getting picked up on in a bar. Every once in a while I would send an email to a guy who really caught my eye, just as I would make the first move on a guy in person (i.e. my now-husband) when I simply couldn’t help it. I don’t think this is a bad way to 100hookup but you still need to be active via signing on every day, unblocking your views, sending Flirts, widening your preferences and using the Click!® feature. And when a guy really catches your eye and you can’t stop wondering about him, then take the initiative and send him an email.

Finally, have a brutally honest friend review and edit some of your past emails (or even send them my way if you don’t mind me using them as examples). You may not realize how you’re coming across in an email and a simple tweak could mean a huge difference!

I’m constantly talking about “the search for Beshert” and finding “The One” or holding off for “Mr. or Mrs. Right.” At the same time, however, I just don’t know if there is only one soulmate for each of us. When I was twenty years old and in college I dated and lived with a guy for a year. Back then, I would have told you he was the one for me and we were going to get married and have six kids and live happily ever after. About a year after he transferred to a university in another state and broke up with me, I realized the heartbreak had caused me to grow up and change for the better. I could never imagine myself with him and couldn’t believe I had spent a year with him as it was! When he came crawling back, I was confidently able to tell him that the best thing he did for me was break my heart. He may have been that “Tamar’s version” of soulmate, but we would have for sure been divorced by now as I wasn’t done maturing as a woman or as a person.

Five years ago when I decided to only date hookup men and sign up for 100hookup, my evolution into the person I am today really began. Once I truly learned what I wanted, who I was and where I saw my life going, I was better able to figure out who would make the short list for my heart. Obviously, not every guy – nor every second, third or fourth guy – that I dated could be my Beshert, but a few did make the first cut.

I didn’t – and still don’t – believe that there is only one person out there for you; that lighting will strike when you meet each other, or that you will fall in love at first sight. In order to meet your soulmate you have to make it happen. If you meet someone you like and he or she encompasses the “must have” items on your list and you are willing to accept or compromise on the other items, and the other person also feels strongly enough about you to do the same, then that person could be your Beshert. Your soulmate isn’t going to necessarily encompass every item on your list, nor will you be everything they are looking for – this does not a soulmate make.

When I first saw my now-husband I did feel well, “something,” but I also had to make the first move to get his attention – not exactly ideal in my book. Once we started talking though, the conversation never stopped and that, mixed with attraction that steadily grew between us as we continued getting to know each other, was what sealed the deal. At the time we met, we were both ready to meet someone… “The One.” We had both matured as much as we each could on our own and were ready for the next stage. Meeting my husband at that time and that place was due to a number of components:  Timing, of course, but also maturation and the willingness to compromise.  Is he my Beshert? Yes. Does that mean someone else couldn’t have been? I guess I’ll never know.

“I’m a Jew, a lonely Jew, on Christmas.”

These are the famous words of Kyle from South Park.  Being a Jew on Christmas can sometimes be a lonely thing.  However, times have changed a bit and these days I don’t see it as all that bad.  There are actually plenty of fun things you can do these days.

If you are in the New York area, the MatzoBall® is an extremely popular singles event that has hookup people from all over gathering to meet and party on the eve of Christmas.  Any hookup single should look at this as a golden opportunity to meet people.  If you are not from New York there are likely events taking place in your neighborhood so do some research and check them out.

Another idea is to simply use this day as an opportunity to go out on a date.  Everyone here is on 100hookup.  I think it’s safe to say that this is the one day a year that you will know, for a fact, if the other person will be free on a certain day.  So make a joke out of it.  Have your first date on Christmas.  See a movie or grab some Chinese food.  There are plenty of restaurants open.  Who knows, maybe you hit it off and one day you’ll have a great story to tell about how you met your partner of 25 years on Christmas!

Hear ye!  I have a proposal involving all members of 100hookup.  When you read this, please keep an open mind.

Okay.  Here we go.  I think that once a year everybody on 100hookup should say and act in real life the same way they do online.  For example, instead of using the ‘Search’ feature, members should literally go door-to-door and assess each person that answers.  I realize that this may work better in more densely populated hookup areas like Israel or New York City and so, therefore, you must first ask the respondent’s religious persuasion.  This will likely offend almost everybody.  Next, if their persuasion is of your liking, you must then read from a prompt.  Following is a prototype:

“Hello. My name is (insert username).  (Look at the person).  Now that I have visual confirmation, I will proceed with my next set of questions.  Now, please hand me at least four photographs of yourself.  I will use them to analyze whether or not further conversation is necessary.”

If you are still interested say, “I generally like your photographs.  May I ask your age, please?  Also, please give me a short description about yourself.  Telling me your physical characteristics is moot as I am looking you in the eyes right now.  Please do tell me of your ideal relationship as well as your past relationships.  What have you learned from them?  Also, what does your perfect first date consist of?”

If all goes well, finish with, “Thank you for your time regarding my interest in dating you.  Please give me your phone number and email address so that we can continue conversing in a normal matter such as this.”

If you’ve met someone on 100hookup recently I would like to take the opportunity to humbly suggest to you that December 24^th, Christmas Eve, is a great day to ask him or her out on a date.  First off, I promise you that there’s a very good chance that they’ll agree to a date since there is an overwhelming chance that they aren’t busy and what really do you have to lose since, well, neither are you.

Since your plans probably consisted of watching movies and eating take-out Chinese food, why not buck those stereotypical boring Christmas Eve plans and instead opt for a date? Even though you might have to do a little work finding something to do, or a place to go, I still think it’s worth the small amount of extra effort you’ll spending searching on the Internet.

As the person making this suggestion it would be an empty gesture if I didn’t have a date with a pretty hookup girl that I met on 100hookup planned for Christmas Eve, but fortunately I do. What we are going to do, and where, is yet to be determined; however, I know we’ll figure it out, and I’m sure we’ll have a nice time especially when you consider how most of our single hookup counterparts will be spending their evening.

Dear Tamar,

I just want to meet a guy I can hit it off with. Is that so difficult?

1) How can I judge if they only want sex?
2) How can I know that they are honest?
3) How do I know they don’t have psychological issues?

Dear Trying to Figure it All Out,

Unfortunately you won’t know if a guy only wants sex, is honest or is sane until you’ve been on at least one date but there may be signs along the way that you should look out for including: Is the guy only commenting about your physical attributes? Is the guy actually listening to what you’re saying and having a back-and-forth conversation? Is the guy sharing personal items with you? Is the guy only talking about himself? Is the guy having trouble looking you in the eye? Is the guy too touchy-feely or too in your face? Some of these questions you can ask yourself while reading email correspondence, IMs and on the phone but some you may need to answer in person. You will waste many nights on bad dates, so will men, but your Beshert will come along. It’s the digging through all the dirt until you find that diamond that makes it all the more worth it. You should learn about yourself and about what really matters to you in a mate along the way, so don’t think it’s not worth it. One last thing — don’t spend the conversation trying to read between the lines seeing if the guy is a player, is lying or is crazy because then you’re the one who’s not being an active participant in the date. Once you’re radar is honed in, you should be able to tell a bad seed from the good ones.

Instant Messaging can be a very popular way of meeting people on 100hookup.  It is fast, convenient and allows the conversation to progress to an extremely high level in 45 minutes or less; it might otherwise take a week or more if emails were being exchanged.  However, sometimes we talk through Instant Messaging and find ourselves wondering, “Is this person is truly interested in me?” While there is no way to know for sure, there are some huge signs that the person you are talking to is, in fact, highly interested.  The following are just a few of the many signs you might receive.

- The responses are coming at a quick and rapid pace

- You are being asked a ton of questions; the more personal, the better.

- You are asked your name after talking for a little while.  People do not ask for names unless they are truly pondering getting to know you at a future date.

- You notice in the I.M. box that he or she has been re-wording what to say over and over.  (There is an icon that notifies of this in the corner of the I.M. box)

- You find the other person continues to lead the conversation in new directions and has taken control.

These are just a few of the many subtle signals that show the person you are trying to date is highly interested in you.  If you are receiving most of these signals on a daily basis then you should stand proud because you are clearly doing something correctly!  If you are not, then you may want to brush up on your online dating skills a little bit.  We all need to practice to reach perfection.  Good luck!

It’s true.  The Dos Equis man, dubbed ‘The most interesting man in the world’ by said beer company, is actually hookup.  Known to mortals as Jonathan Goldsmith, the self-proclaimed ‘most interesting man’ is an American actor.  Who knew?  Well, I did.  So I wrote it down here.  And now I am writing this.  

Anyway, I think more people should know this fact.  Though he is fictitious and has probably not conquered any of the feats that the narrator claims he has dominated, knowledge about his hookup ancestry can help quell long-standing stereotypes about hookup people.  For example, most people just assume that Jews don’t go ice fishing by swimming in the water under the ice.  Also, like-minded people don’t see Jews mountain climbing without a rope and a harness.  Actually, people don’t see Jews mountain climbing, in general.

The narrator makes outrageous claims like the fact that sharks have a week dedicated to him and that he lost his virginity before his father did.  These are both, of course, logistically impossible, as sharks not only lack the technology to devote a week of television to anybody, but also have a general disdain for human beings.  It is also mathematically impossible to lose your virginity before your father.  Though these seem like leftover Chuck Norris jokes, they add mystique to a man that doesn’t exist.  They can also help reverse regressive stereotypes about hookup people.

Even though I thought that my friend’s suggestion that I try to have a “Skype™ Date” was a really good idea considering how much I have been traveling for my job recently, I wasn’t sure that I was going to have the chutzpah to actually ask a women to engage in this type of first date. It’s not that I thought she would laugh in my face at the suggestion and then move on to a similarly good looking nice hookup guy with a more accommodating 9-5 job, but I just wasn’t sure how any woman would react to the idea of a first date over Skype.

Wednesday night, while we were in Maui preparing to play a game against the University of Hawaii, I suggested to the woman that I had been talking to recently that we try Skype. In spite of the 4-hour time difference, and the fact that neither of us had any idea how to use the program, we were both up for it and decided to give it a shot. We were texting that day and continued our back and forth messaging while we set up separate Skype accounts and I attempted to buy credits so that I could connect with her.

Finally, after a series of trials and errors, I was able to extend an invitation to her and thankfully she accepted (even though it was getting quite late in the central time zone). After Skype finished connecting we were able to see each other “live” for the first time. But even though I could see her lips moving there was no sound coming out on my end. I tried to say something to her and, by using amateur sign language, she was able to tell me that she had no sound on her end either.

After searching through the help section on the Skype website, and trying a few of their troubleshooting suggestions, we decided that our best option was to talk over the phone; at the same time also stay on Skype so that we could see each other. With this solution we essentially created the same experience as if we had actually gotten Skype to work. It did take a few minutes before I adjusted to the fact that I heard what she was saying over the phone before her lips finished moving on the screen.

All in all our first Skype experience wasn’t perfect, but we gave it a try and, more importantly, it did give us the opportunity to at least talk semi-face to face and have a more personal conversation. We ended up talking that night for several hours and really learned a lot about each other, which was really the goal of the whole experiment in the first place. In the end it may not have been the most conventional first date, or one that every woman would have been comfortable with, but it worked for us and I think that’s really cool.

Dear Tamar,

I am new to dating.  I have been divorced for nine months.  How do I tactfully start dating two or three gentleman? Dating for me means going out to do activities both persons are interested in. How do I date, on this simple premise, without feeling awkward?

Dear Poly-Dating,

Welcome back to dating… I guess. It’s easy and can be fun to date more than one person at a time particularly when you’ve recently returned to dating. Think of it as practice or rebounding or what-have-you, but until you get your training wheels off it would be smart of you to date more than one person at a time. As for how to do it tactfully well, simply put, it’s no one else’s business. Sleeping with more than one person at a time is a different story, but just dating isn’t harming anyone; in fact, it’s healthy. Definitely stick to activities you are both interested in as that will create a common bond but be careful if you repeat the same activity with another date because you may get mixed up and forget whom you did what with and when. Now is the time to enjoy yourself and if you happen to find someone you really like and the feeling is mutual then you will simply tell the others exactly that. Have fun!