Ten Dating Mistakes Women Should Avoid
In response to my article about the mistakes guys make with respect to dating and relationships, several women have asked me the same questions about themselves. Many have asked why they aren’t meeting quality guys, can’t get second dates, or can’t keep a boyfriend. Well, ladies, instead of blaming the guys, perhaps it’s time to examine some of the things you might be doing wrong on your dates:
1.) Make sure the guy confirms your date before 3 pm the day of the date. When a guy doesn’t confirm the date, he is for all intents and purposes showing you that he really doesn’t care about the date. If he did care, he would confirm the date and tell you that he was looking forward to seeing you. When a guy doesn’t confirm by 3 pm, make other plans. Go out with your girlfriends. Go to the gym. Do anything except wait by the phone to see if he calls. And, don’t just show up. He might have forgotten the date or made other plans. How bad would you feel being stood up?
2.) Don’t ever be late. When you show up even ten minutes late, you are showing the guy that you do not value his time at all. Should you be late, apologize for showing up late. Constant lateness is a terrible habit and very self-centered. A confident guy will not tolerate it too long and you will find yourself alone again. However, if you are unavoidably late, call him to let him know you are running late. After all, how long do you think he is going to wait for you, especially if you have a habit of showing up late all the time?
3.) Don’t ask guys how much money they make. What’s the difference? A guy’s character is not based on the amount of money he makes. Asking a guy for his W2 is basically asking the guy never to call you again. It’s not important at this stage of a relationship. Later on, perhaps after ten dates, he might just volunteer some of that information to you anyway.
4.) Don’t plan out date #2 while still on date #1. A guy will be totally turned off. He will think that you are overly clingy. He will question why you are so into him so early on in the date. Instead, feel free to tell him you had a nice time when the date ends. Allow the guy to be a guy. If he is interested, he will call.
5.) Eat more than just a salad. Why are women afraid to eat when on a dinner date? Do they really think guys question women’s eating habits when they eat more than a salad? A guy would sooner question a woman’s eating habits if she only eats a salad before he would question her diet when she eats a normal meal.
6.) If you are not interested in seeing this guy again, don’t let it drag on. Most of the time, the guy will call you after the date to ask you out again. If you are positive that it isn’t right, don’t avoid him. Don’t allow him to call several times and leave messages hoping he will go away or stop calling. Instead, be open and direct with him. Call him back, but soon into the conversation say, “I had a nice time, but I just don’t think we are right for each other.” The truth will hurt, but it’s the way it must be done. Don’t prolong the agony.
7.) Don’t date just to have a date. Serial dating is a bad thing. When you date a different guy all the time, you are depriving yourself of the opportunity to meet other guys. Don’t be afraid to be single or dateless. Remember, you must be independent before you can be dependent so go out with your girlfriends and have fun. You never know who you will meet.
8.) Don’t mistake sex for love. Guys can easily separate sex and love, but women find it much more difficult. A guy will not love you because you had sex, but will have sex with you when he is in love. Remember this one as your motto.
9.) Don’t jump into bed too soon. A guy will not respect you and think that you jump into bed with a lot of guys. Hey, after all, why would you jump into bed with him on date #1 and not every other guy? Make sure both of you are in love before you take your relationship to this level.
10.) Don’t expect guys to know what you are thinking. Even Einstein had no idea what women were thinking, and he was a genius. Guys just don’t pick up on your clues or your implications. We think very differently and are more direct. If something is on your mind, say it, don’t just think it.
I appreciate all of the comments and emails I have been getting over the past few months. Should there be a topic you would like me to write about in the future, please let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.
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With regards to rule#1. I was in this situation earlier today and came to your website seeking guidance. I had a planned location and time to meet someone, but had no confirmation. I wanted to give this individual the benefit of the doubt, so I sent him a text to confirm. He did respond with a lame excuse that his cable was out and the cable company was there trying to fix it. While that is an acceptable story, A simple text to cancel our plans would have been courteous. This was one hour before our meet up time and he said he meant to text earlier, but it had “slipped his mind”. While this also may have been true, had I not sent the confirmation I would have been waiting alone at a restaurant on a Friday night. Only other option is to assume that since I have not heard from him, I will be stood up and not show up myself. Long story short (too late) it’s very courteous to confirm your dates or notify them asap if unable to make it.
Well I read this and I think most women would agree with all of them but I went out with a guy and he made all these plans on our first date … we are going to go here and we are going to go there. It was a great first date. Well guess what? Haven’t heard from him. And no I would never call him so just moving on like I know that I should. But here’s the thing … he made all these suggestions for future dates NOT ME. That’s nutty right?
I think number 6 is probably the most common issue I’ve seen. For whatever reason women prefer to avoid unpleasant interactions with men. And its because they are afraid of looking bad, its NOT because they are worried about our feelings. Thats just an excuse.
Always better to be direct.
Also, number 7 makes no sense, its conflicting.
Yeah a bunch of this stuff is just crap and is going to make you complicate things more than they need to be. I’m a guy, I’m confident in myself, and I’ve been on plenty of dates.
I don’t care if you show up late.
I don’t care what you eat, (so long as you eat what you want!)
I don’t care if you ask me how much I make.
I don’t care if you’re already planning date 2.
Simply put, if I like a girl, then there’s not much she can say or do that’s going to change that. Unless she’s randomly racist or something crazy like that. Conversely, if I don’t like a girl, there’s not much she can say or do that’s going to change that. Don’t over think things, and just be yourself.
I was reading this for a friend of mine. I agree with all these but mostly the first and number nine. My boyfriend of four years told me one of the reasons he fell for me was because I didn’t accept disrespect. Everyone’s time is valuable. You don’t arrive late, you always confirm, and if they don’t the same day as the date, then live your life as you would. I can understand being late once in a while but all the time? That, in my opinion, means you don’t value the person you are meeting and you think you’re time is more important. And that is rude. I always tell my single friends to treat new guys like a friend (with potential). Would you accept disrespect from a friend or change your current plans because a friend was available? Unless it was an emergency, I would hope not. If you’re available the minute a guy calls, if will assume you have no respect for yourself. So why should he respect you?
I agree with most but especially the first one! I have had many guys not confirm or just say “looking forward to tonight”. If they don’t, I make other plans. I don’t accept things last minute either. I, and all girls, deserve respect and men need to realize my life doesn’t revolve around them. We deserve respect
Hi Brad, I’ve had a guy who’s asked me on Thursday if I was free for dinner on the weekend. I suggested Saturday and he replied with “:)”. Then I wrote back asking for details so I could plan my day. He writes back suggesting that he will pick me up from my place on Saturday (which I thought was odd seeing he doesn’t even know where I live and hasn’t asked for my address). I wasn’t going to be home anyway so I suggested to meet him at the dinner venue. After over 12 hours, he replied on the Saturday to bring forward the meeting time by 2 hours. There was only 3 hours’ notice! I cancelled because I had made other plans by then and he shot back saying he’s had to cancel a business appointment for me. Suddenly, there are multiple messages from this person who normally doesn’t reply within the hour!
What are your thoughts on this?
To Howard; So you think there’s something wrong when a woman hasn’t had kids by age 42? Have you ever thought that some may not be able to have any because of infertility issues. I have a few friends who couldn’t conceive, but then end up having a child/ren at 50! You simply cannot tell the body when, or when not, to have kids especially if they are wanted in the first place. So, don’t make any judgements until you really know what that person’s situation is!!
What are the rules on texting or calling guys? I’ve been on two dates with the same guy. I really like him. I’m old fashioned and I don’t feel it’s my job to call/text him. I also don’t want him to think I don’t like him either. I haven’t ever made a call or text to him initially. I’ve replied to his text but not to the extent of being a pest.
There are two underlying forces that drive men: death and sex
Why are so many women clueless about the lack of quality men out there? The answer is is very easy: you! Or more specifically, women! Once women began making themselves available for easy commitment free sex after feminism, men adapted. The sex is available, its easy to obtain, and you don’t have to commit. So, men act accordingly. Men have always ben driven by sex, but before femisnism you generally had to commit, engage in chivalry, be respecful. Meet the parents, make sacrifices etc…women had all the power. Women chose to trade this power in for “adventure” and “sexual liberation” without really considering how men would react. Well, here it is. This is what happens. Men are still men, we just adjusted to the new rules established by sex positive feminists and we do what we need to do to get sex. I wish woman never gave up the power they used to have, it has completely changed the rules of the game and has created a whole new generation of irresponsible men and promiscuous women.
I heard one poster mention that they waited 3 weeks to have sex? Ha, iif that is considered a long time, then well….women have a real uphill battle becuase these women will have to compete with younger, less promiscious women who naturally crave motherhood and companionship without the long sexua history filled with 3 week sex partners.
Hey Cathy
I was on 100hookup for a few years. I met a girl on 100hookup in my first or second year. We had 2 great dates, but at the time, she thought I was “a little too old for her”. We stayed friends for several years. Ten years later, we found ourselves hanging out in the Hamptons one day talking about dating. We started dating again in March 2008 and got married in Jan 2010. We are expecting our first child very soon.
I guess the moral of the story is you never know. The site works. One of my best friends met his wife at a 100hookup trip to Puerto Rico. They are now expecting twins.
Brad- what was your success story in finding your mate?
Agree with all except #1. We are all adults. We are (or should be) capable of making and keeping simple commitments that we’ve made earlier in the week, the month or even year (for example, attending a wedding).
If there are details to be worked out, such as precise time and place, by all means, one or both parties should confirm. If the woman has any doubt or questions, why should she require the guy to confirm? If she is a responsible, self-confident adult, then she can call the guy.
I always make a date plan with “I’ll see you there at that time unless I hear from you otherwise” and it’s never failed me except for one woman who read and played by “The Rules”, which means she’s not worth my time anyway.
I’m happy to pursue a woman, to make the plan and even call to confirm if there’s any undecided aspect of the plan. But to expect the guy (and only the guy) to call and confirm only because of the woman’s insecurity is not good.
Grow up ladies. Get yourselves a calendar and a pen. Stop accusing guys of being commitment-phobes when you can’t even follow through on a previously made commitment for a date without assuaging your insecurities through a “confirmation”.
Thank you all for some great comments. I apologize for not addressing them earlier.
I have written a funny look at the ways guys think about dating and relationships and many of the answers to your questions can be found there. The URL is: https://bit.ly/RhEgp
Patti– yes, guys tend to check out the newest profiles first, especially when they have been on the site for a while. Perhaps you can update some photos. When guys do searches, they will stop and check out profiles whose photos are new.
Audrey– ending a first date is usually awkward. Kiss? Hug? Handshake? Who knows? Each date is different. There is no rule of thumb. If you like the guy, a kiss would be nice, but not a long one. A hug would be nice there as well. A handshake tells the guy you have no interest.
Barbara– you CAN contact a guy. However, most guys will have already checked out girls profiles. Thus, the “hit” ratio when a girl contacts a guy will be low. Keep your chin up, your dream man is out there somewhere.
Anne– there is no “need” to have kids. Its not for everybody. What you have done for your family is amazing. I have so much respect for you. You still need to find time for yourself. Go out more. It will clear your head and you will meet more people.
Cathy– the more specific you are in your profile, the less likely you will meet somebody on 100hookup. Many guys who do not keep kosher will not include women in searches that do. Take that out of your profile for a while and see what happens. You can bring it up in conversation on a date.
Joyce– I agree with you as well. Men will tend to make the first move if they are interested. However, age IS important. From a guy’s point of view, guys usually want younger women. I wrote all about it in my book (check it out, it will teach women many things about guys). You can’t blame guys for discriminating for age just like men have to understand women will discriminate for jobs or money.
Karen— you hit the nail right on the head. Well-written
Hava— find a guy that treats you like a Princess. Those guys have no respect for you, or any other woman. Good riddance to them.
Taylor–you are correct. Don’t call him if not interested. But if he calls you, be polite. Alway be polite! Don’t ignore him. If you pick up the phone, just say “I just don’t think we have enough in common.”
Madelyn– I did write an article about men. 10 tips for men appeared on this site BEFORE I wrote about women. Men need more help than women do
All the best, Brad
Hi Brad,
When a guy call’s he will ask you for a drink, coffee or dinner….
But he never has any place in mind …..
He cant seem to make a decision…. It seems like he has never been in any of the local restaurants before…..
So I have to make all of the suggestions….
Why cant a man ever take charge?????
I find this so—- annoying…..
When you get to know a gentleman a little better after a few dates he may bring you flower’s…..
I love flower’s but they do die in a few days…..
Why can’t a gentleman ever bring you your favorite perfume at least that would last quite a while and would really be appreciated….
So why not give some advice to the guys for a change…..
Taylor
I understand being polite and thankful after a dinner date
with a gentleman. The right way to handle the end of the
date is to be polite, thank him for spending time, and for
the (hopefully) wonderful dinner and his company. It is
not necessary to have any further contact (if you do not
like him) with him, including answering his calls or texts.
You do not owe him anything. He invited you to dinner
that’s all it was, a dinner. When a man want’s no further
communication, with a woman, he blows her off so quick, her
head is spinning, so why can’t a woman do it? Life is too
short to deal with it, and furthermore, try to explain why
she does not like him. He usually wants to know why. I
don’t want to know why. I’m not begging anyone to like me,
so why should he. His EGO controls him.
I had a few relationships after my separation and divorce. They usually involve the same pattern. We meet, the guy is excited about me. He doesn’t stop texting and calling for days. We start dating. I follow the rules. Let him chase me, don’t answer every call or text, don’t jump into bed until after several weeks. The guy usually confesses that he’s fallen in love with me. I’m a little slower emotionally, but I get attached. He wants to be exclusive. I explain that to me exclusivity comes with commitment. He eagerly offers commitment (words, words, words) But by about 2-3 months, He starts to lose some interest. Calls less, takes me out less, wants sex less. By 4-6 months I already developed deeper feelings for the guy. We get to know friends and family members, but at the same time I feel neglected, emotionally and sexually, because he’s more focused on his “hobbies”. There’s some more emotional withdrawal until, it comes out in an argument where the guy who used to be “crazy” about me and couldn’t wait to have me all to himself, all of a sudden needs more time, and all his commitment promises turned just to be words. I dated a guy for a year who wanted me to move in after a month (which I didn’t), but told me at the end that football is more important that me. Another one (after 6 months) let me drive an hour home at 1am with a big headache cause he couldn’t give up listening and playing loud karaoke music with friends. What can I do to stop that pattern? I am looking for a long-term commited relationship. We’re all 50+.
Harold, you’re not getting away without my tar and feathers. I’m over 40, no kids, and just to turn the light on for you, it isn’t as easy as just grabbing a guy and conceiving. My mother was a baby-making machine and although I didn’t want eight kids, as well, I did want so much to be a mother. Unfortunately, it isn’t as easy to find a quality guy and I didn’t want the abusive atmosphere that we grew up in and that my mother had to live with, so it takes wisdom, discernment and sorting through (in plain English) idiots, in order to find Mr. Wonderful. (Now she’s married to a wonderful, loving guy.) I wasn’t about to risk being a divorced, single, struggling mother just so that I could conceive at my prime age. No matter how much I love kids and still hope to someday even adopt, I can’t do it alone nor do I want to do it alone. Kids NEED a Dad!! I’ll marry a wonderful man, and have a HAPPY marriage when I find the right guy for me.
Meanwhile, a fun, dating advice site (for women, but men have signed up using fake names, only to fess up later); it’s https://www.datingwithoutdrama.com. No nonsense advice. And by the way, some things NEVER change – how men and women are wired, and what works!!
Happy dating, and cool it with the games!!
To all singles: There is an expression-when nothing is ever good enough, thats what you get – nothing. First of all, there is definitely nothing wrong with women who are over 40 and not married-I know many many amazing women who never got married, attractive, educated, intelligent. The greater problem always seemed to an over abundance of these women and a lack of quality men appropriate for them. Many many women are driven to a therapists couch wondering what is wrong with them, when the answer is nothing! Women have a tendency to always think it is their fault that they are not meeting good guys. I have found that women on the whole, will give most men a chance, as long as they seem to be decent guys. Men, on the other hand, seem to be more superficial, and will instantaneously decide that a woman is ‘not for them’ – too fat, not pretty enough, too old- etc. Both men and women, need to take a good hard look in the mirror; what do you have to offer a man/woman? Why do you think you are entitled to something that you yourself cannot offer another? Many many women are stuck on how much a man earns, yet they themselves are not high earners. A man in his 50’s, cannot realistically expect to find a woman in her 30’s, and reject all women in his age group, because he may still want to have children. That is simply a fantasy. It is truly sad, because I know so many singles who gave up many opportunities for happiness with someone, because of snap decisions that someone was ‘not for them.’
Yes, sometimes it is obvious that someone is totally not for you. But most times, you really do not know this, because you have really not taken to time to really get to know someone! Nobody, even you, is perfect. I believe there are many people one could be happy with. Overlook the weight, the height, the money-get to know the person,
because, ultimately, looks fade, money can disappear, but it the real person you will be left with. Is the person kind, generous, warm, giving? These are the thing that will last and will make you happy.
As my membership wanes, and being in the 50+ age group, I have a few comments to make.
First of all, I have also discovered that despite the changing mores of life, men want to make the first move. I have written to countless men in my age range (48-60) and rarely get a reply from someone with whom I’ve initiated a conversation. It makes me feel like I am some kind of backward sixteen year old – waiting for a man to find ME?!!? I have been an independent spirit all my life and I like to choose someone who appeals to me just as much as a man does, and yet it seems that men like to do the picking. I will be off this site soon and will not continue to look for a mate this way – I’d much rather feel like I am on equal turf with a man, which I am when we meet in a bar or at some kind of social place.
Second, even when I gave my correct age, the men who answered me appeared much, much older than me. I presume that they think I’m ten years older than what I posted, which would make me in my mid 60’s and just right for them. This age thing online stinks – I think people should just be put in categories of 10 years (30-40, 50-60, etc.) I think it matters not when people meet in a natural setting if one of them is 5 years older or younger. But online – it is another story. Women and men lie because others have lied. Everyone lies and nobody wins. I’m over this method of meeting someone and will explore anything but internet dating. Merde!
That lady says she is 65 and life is getting short so she has sex whenever she likes.
Well, I’m 60 and nobody asks me out so I don’t have the chance to try out your tips. I don’t meet anybody at work and everybody looks at my 100hookup site but nobody contacts me, or if they contact me they don’t call me.
Could somebody look at my profile? I must be doing something wrong or someone would contact me. And my photo is pretty so it’s not that.
By the way, most of the men are Reform and I keep kosher. That’s in my profile. Do you suppose that matters?
Or is it that I am not a “new one”?
* * *
Howard: I agree with Katie. Some of the most selfless women I know are in their 40s and unmarried. I have spent the last ten years caring for my two ailing parents. One who was in a coma and can’t move and another with Alzheimer’s. I have to wake up every three hours to turn my mother so that she doesn’t get bed sores. Like Katie said, there are plenty of selfish mothers out there. Additionally, with 6 billion people on the planet, many whom are starving, I hardly think procreation is a necessity.
Your narrow-mindedness will prevent you from meeting wonderful women. With your attitude, perhaps you don’t deserve them.
Thanks Brad for your thoughts. It has been many years since I have dated so it was interesting to hear what is the current norm. I was surprised to hear about the confirmation, I would have thought that a date made was a date made, but it sounds like from the comments that there are multiple approaches.
My question has to do with the pre-dating stage via J-date. In the 50+ age group, are we supposed to wait for a guy to initiate a chat or e-mail with us? I would not have thought so in the 21st Century, but not one person that I have written to to initiate a conversation has written back. I am normally a social person, have many friends, had a good marriage for nearly 28 years so I think I know how to communicate, and do not think it is something about me personally, so I thought maybe I was breaking some un-written J-date ethos?
I have some thoughts with the “guidelines”. If I have a date with someone, I will be there – if he doesn’t show up I won’t be devastated. I can have a perfectly nice salad all by myself.
Wait until you are in love until having sex?? OK for some, but at 65 there is much life left – the only problem is fear of diseases from men who may have been with many women. I’ll bring my own protection for when I am ready.
I am always polite – we all have feelings – I hope for the same in return. Gentle words if you find that you don’t want that second date are the best, and you might need a couple of days to absorb that first date before deciding.
And my last “guideline” would be this – don’t have a conversation revolving around 100hookup and your experiences on 100hookup – you are both people who are looking for someone – let it be like a “blind date” – it is time to forget 100hookup when you are out with someone you met on 100hookup.
Hi Brad,
Thank you for 10 great tips. I didn’t know about everything you wrote about and even if I had, for me, it’s always good to be reminded again.
I have a question I am not sure how to ask. You write about not having sex too soon, and to wait until you are sure you are in love. That I already do know and act on accordingly. What I’m wondering about it is what to expect from a guy, that gentleman you write about, on the that first date. I went on a first date recently and when we first met, he went to hug me and I went to shake his hand. It was very awkward. Maybe that’s how it always is, awkward like that because neither person knows what the other is going to do. Would you say that most guys on a first
date generally greet that new woman in a certain way, whether it be a hug or a handshake or maybe just hello with no physical greeting at all? With respect to this question, is it best for me to wait and see how the guy is going to greet me? It’s all very confusing for me, and again, maybe it is for everyone. I am putting this question in the comment thread because I don’t know how to contact you by email. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Like many another kid, when I was younger I used to roll my eyes when my parents talked about appropriate etiquette and how “these young people” needed to heed it. Well, the older one grows, the more one realizes what a necessary commodity it is for real life. I would be shocked (well- surprised) if a man asked me what my income was, particularly on a first date. I guess I would ask if he were employed by the IRS. Why should it then be OK to ask that question of a man? I will go on record as siding with those who believe that income level, as well as several other pieces of information about one’sself, are indeed private, and do not need to be posted on a website profile, nor handed out wholesale on a first date. I’m not vehement, mind you, just aware that there are things to keep for subsequent dates. If I’m not going on a subsequent date with Mr. X, because there was no chemistry or mutual interest, I don’t need to know his income.
I actually learned a lot about dating men from watching Seinfeld. He may think you are great, but your hands are too big. You may laugh at all of his jokes, but he doesn’t like the fact that you laugh at his jokes. He may spend the entire date looking at your breasts, and not listen to anything you say about yourself, even if he DOES ask you about yourself. Men are SO selfish, that they will go out on a date to get an answer to a question he has about you, and not consider that it is hurtful to you, or leading you on, or even how nice you are. I think we all have to consider this to be the case whenever we go out on a first date. Follow all 10 steps that Brad gives, but the reason he does or doesn’t call you back, won’t have anything to do with what you did right or wrong. It has to do solely with what he is looking for, his agenda, and the experience he had with the date before you. I’m not saying it can’t work. I’ve often been lucky, that I ate the right foods, said the right things, and laughed at the right time, and my breasts were even the right size, so I was asked out on a 2nd date, when I find out that he eats the wrong food, he says the wrong things, and he is not the right size for me. We are all looking for the perfect match, not the perfect person. Do you agree?
To Howard: Why do you think there “must” be something wrong with a woman who hasn’t had kids by age 42? Do you think things always go the way we want? Do you think it’s always the woman’s fault if she hasn’t gotten to have children? Or do you think a woman must want children in order to seem non-selfish?
By the way, I’ve met plenty of selfish mothers, and it’s the kids who suffer.
Try being a little more understanding and a lot less judgmental.
Brad,
What people of both sexes need to understand is that no matter how nice someone is on the phone or in an email chemistry is everything. If it is not there you may have had a nice time on the date but how do you go forward? I only gave 100hookup a 3 month membership because the men I met said they only like to go out with the “new ones” which at the time I was. Could you explain why men feel that way? I have only been divorced 6 months am I already “over” because I was on the site 3 months and didn’t meet anyone special?
It is true, the money issue should not be a deal breaker in a relationship. What’s most important is mutual trust, attraction and respect. However, as a woman who makes a good salary, I have had a very difficult time with men and money. Since men are built to be the hunters, it is sometimes tough for a man to pursue a woman whose salary is much greater, especially if he is struggling with personal finances. I have found that it makes him feel inferior on some level. Sad but true. In light of their other beautiful qualities, I have given my heart to financially unstable men, only to have to drag it back!
Brad — Thanks for your effort and guidance about men. I am divorced, well experienced and the type who often has to figure out how to gently say “thanks, but no thanks” after the first meeting (although I have met some very attractive and interesting men also). I agree with you about waiting to be in love before “jumping to bed”; also about waiting for men to lead the way and never to ask how much they earn (I find the latter to be a question of good manners).
But I have to disagree on some of your ten dating “mistakes” (rules). Specifically those about personal options or habits. Let’s face it: many of us are “too old for new tricks” and we will be who we are. So if I am a light eater (which I am, and a very healthy person as well), I will not eat more than I feel like, for fear of what my date will think. Why do I have to pretend to be who I am not?. Also, noboby likes to wait for a date, male or female, but it is well known that in this hectic world, for those who are extremly busy trying to juggle schedules (traffic, work and family obligations, in case of single parents) having an understanding partner or date is golden, and can add to his/her appeal. So I would not be so fast at telling a woman not to make a man wait (providing you call to say you are running late). The latter is also a good way to test him. If a man is not willing to give away some extra minutes for a woman worth waiting for, that man is probably not worth her attention.
Just my two cents…
Hi Brad,
Love your tips and fully agree with most all of your recommendations. The one alternate suggestion I’d make is regarding the first tip — if plans have been made for a date and it’s 3pm the day of, and she’s not gotten a confirming call/text/email from him, I wouldn’t suggest that she just make other plans and not show up.
Plenty of people make plans and do indeed follow through with no need for an extra confirmation. I’m one of those people. My day is packed with scheduled calls and appointments, and it’s not feasible for me to confirm every one. Mr. Guy in this case could be living a similarly jam packed life.
I’d say, if she’s getting anxious, she should initiate a quick text or call to say “looking forward to seeing you tonite at PF Chang’s — pls reply to confirm” — or something to that effect. If she’s the type who is really uncomfortable reaching out to a guy, then at the time when they’re initially making plans to meet, she should ask him if he would confirm with her the morning of.
You’re absolutely right — men can’t read women’s minds, so she needs to be responsible for letting him know what her expectations are, for confirmations calls/texts and for lots else too. And she should be willing to meet him half-way by initiating a communication if she needs it.
Feel free to post comments on my blog entries too.
https://cupidscoach.wordpress.com/
Love,
Julie Ferman
Cupid’s Coach
I enjoyed reading all do(s) and don’t(s) about dating mistakes for women. I have a twofold comment/question.
I have experienced it 9 out of 10 times that a date often talks only about himself, asks no questions of me..his date and after several hours of this tortuous bordonm of absolutely no dialgoue will say bye bye without having asked a simple question reagarding me, my background, my career, my family, etc. ONLY mand mostly his achievements and accomplishments.
How then, is my question is one to handle this? Shall we assume the guy is nervous and not always like this? Shall we expect that he has exposed his usual character and so be it….don’t think even remotely positive about this one…or other???
How about this for dating mistakes for men?
I just posted my income after years of refusing to post it.
Guys – that’s a biggie, and women want to know it anyway so you may as well put it out there. They’re going to find out sooner or later, if they can’t already tell just by taking one look at you (which most of them can), and they definitely consider your income unless they have fallen utterly in love with you from the first meeting (which is also possible and very nice).
Do yourself a favour – if you aren’t rolling in cash, it doesn’t matter – post your earnings anyway. There are women out there who don’t judge a man by that, and that’s the type of woman you want to be attracting anyway. It’s not easy being a hookup guy eh?!
Sharon, see Rebecca’s comment right above yours. MANY women don’t know these things. Similarly, my February’s article explains many things that guys should be aware of.
Brad,
I would not usually confirm a date by 3:00 p.m. on the day of the date. When I make a date and we agree on the time and place,I expect to (1) be on time; and (2) have the woman do the same. Maybe it’s my age (50+) but most of the women in may age bracket I have dated since divorce (not many I admit)seem to appreciate that this is a commitment. The last time I was stood up on a date, we arranged the date on a Thursday for a following Monday for a drink. On Monday morning I confirmed the time and suggested a place close to her work for 6:00 p.m. She wanted to be elsewhere closer to her house because, “What am I going to do if I get off work at 5?” (Hmmm. I could think of lots to do. Try Starbucks and newspaper or book.) As her house was close to mine, I said, “Fine” and she chose a place at 7:00. At 6:45 she sent me a text, “Boss wants me to do a taste test and need to rescheudle.” I offered to meet her later that night. She sent a text back, “Great, that sounds pefect.”That was the last I ever heard of this so-called “beautiful catch” who I was interoduced to by a mutual friend. There is something wrong with 42 year old woman who has no kids, was married for 6 years and is divorced. It’s called narcissism. Or maybe the woman just lacks class or manners
I think women are nice at the end of a date, even if they don’t want to see the guy again, because they have been conditioned to be that way. We are supposed to be kind, loving, sympathetic, and aware of other’s feelings. So, we say, “ok, call me”, even if sometimes we do not mean it.
We say, “ok, call me”, because we don’t want to hurt your feelings, not because we are liars. So, that brings me to this question: Why do you think there is so much male advice out there not to sleep with the guy right away, because he’s likely to never call you again if you do, you silly tart, or be careful and don’t give the impression that you serial date, because he might think your not serious, (regardless of the fact that he’s right back on the dating site as soon as he drops you off), or what to do when he doesn’t ever call again, even though he told you this was the best date he had ever been on, or leaned over to get a whiff of your hair, or put his arm so lightly around your waist? Why?
Because the men who write these dating shalt and shalt nots for women are making the very salient point that men still consider themselves as hunters and women as prey. The men who write these dating shalt and shalt nots are merely giving you the strategy to play in their game. Silly? Of course. Contradictory? Absolutely .
But, in the end it’s the truth. So, women don’t be angry about the inherent lack of ethics in all of this. Be grateful for the truth. And, hope you find a guy more evolved.
Happy dating!
That last comment as to “better not to be pleasant at the end of the date than the guy thinking he has a future with you”…same goes for the guy. I’ve had the guy on the first date, walk me to the car, and give me a kiss on the cheek and never call back! Talk about dishonesty and misleading! I no longer assume a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g regardless of how the first date went.
Another very important thing a woman should avoid is to not a lead a man on at the end of the date, by saying things such as keep in touch or call me. This has happened to me on several occasions and the women reply that they are either not ready for a relationship, have no common ground or are continually busy. Therefore, ladies, if you have no intention of seeing guys again it is better not to be pleasant at the end of the date than the guy thinking he has a future with you. Simply tell us you can’t see this going anywhere. Honesty is the best policy! Unfortunately many women are liars too!
Hi Brad,
Thanks for your article, but I have to tell you: Never in my life, have I met a woman who was not aware of these things. Being single, or not being able to get second dates, doesn’t always have to do with sticking to rules. Luck & timing are major factors. The day before yesterday, I actually had a 100hookup with a guy who seemed real interested, judging by his eagerness to meet + the number of times he called to scheduale & confirm the date. We had a great time but he still hasn’t called & it’s safe to say, that he’s not going to either.
I wouldn’t dream of acting opposite to what you’ve written, but it’s no gurantee. Matters of the heart are not intirely up to us.
Thank you for letting us know what mistakes we women are getting into when it comes to dating with the opposite sex.
When we are in love, I tend to make the same mistakes you mentioned dealing with men when it comes to dating. I fall too fast too easy. I am a sucker for good praises and sweet nothings. But I have also learned that man can change their attitude and their intentions when they detect that we women say or do something that surprises them and making them feel very happy regardless.
If all what you have mentioned is expertly followed by any dater, is that not why one finds it difficult to settle on a perfect relationship?