Dear Tamar,

You made a few mentions of when it’s OK to break “The Rules” and give someone “a pass.” Here’s my problem. I’m 66 and was married for 43 of those years. My wife died a year ago. I haven’t dated since we got engaged, a year before we were married. Frankly, I’m not even sure I was aware of all “the rules” even back then, and I’m positive that I don’t know what they are now. So where can I find a brief summary of “the rules”?

Dear Rules Shmules,

I’m sorry for your loss and I do hope you find someone special to spend the rest of your life with; I’m happy you’re on 100hookup looking. But, I’m glad you don’t know what “the rules” are! “The Rules” was a bestselling book telling women how to date in order to get married. It told women not to accept a phone call after 2 days, not to accept a date for the weekend after Wednesday, and so forth. I met my husband at a bar and moved halfway around the world to be with him a week later, so obviously I didn’t follow ”the rules”, nor do I recommend that women (or men) should. That said, the idea behind them isn’t bad. For the most part, the book told women to hold tight to their standards, but most men find a strict rules Woman to be obnoxious. Count yourself to be among the lucky ones that your dating demographic doesn’t know about, or follow, the rules. If you like a woman, call her. And if you want to see a woman, ask her out immediately.  If a woman is following the rules by the book, you probably don’t want to date her anyways. Good luck!

It is really easy to assume that the most important features about yourself are the ones that other people can’t see.  I’m not talking about emotions, feelings, or any other silly, irrelevant ideas.  I’m talking about tangible features.  For example, if you have a giant goiter protruding from the front of your neck, you would probably dress up backwards for a first date and paint a face on the back of your head in order to convincingly hide the goiter.  This is just common sense.

The common assumption that imperfections should be hidden is often not true.  I’m not saying that it’s never true; see the above goiter analogy.  I have just spent way too much time trying to hide flaws, all the while ignoring bigger ones.  For example, about ten years ago, the dentist (you know the one) told me that I need to brush one certain area of my mouth extra hard.  Today, every time I brush my teeth, I brush that area more than the rest of my mouth; though there’s really no need to anymore.  I obsess over extraneous things while neglecting flaws that are way more apparent.  So after I brush my teeth for an unnecessarily long time, I may not think to work on very basic conversational tactics.  Then, I meet a girl for the first time and forget how to say “hi.”  Hey, at least I have killer teeth.

I bet eighty percent of your perceived ‘biggest flaws’ are almost never perceived by anybody else; especially somebody whom you have only met once or twice.  (This statistic is based on no research whatsoever.)  Self-consciousness, while sometimes helpful, can also grow like a cancer until you are nowhere near the person that you see yourself as.

Also, if you do have a giant goiter on your neck, I am really sorry.  Don’t dress up backwards.  That would absolutely just make everything worse.  Just remember to use iodized salt.

There are enough people on 100hookup already that can help you through this online dating experience.  But I have found that a good way to learn is through trial and error.  When it comes to dating, I have tried many things, and failed miserably. As a result, I am able to tell you what not to do, from talking online to that intimidating first encounter.  Each of my blog entries will try to focus on one thing you should try to avoid doing when talking to members of the opposite sex.  Today’s lesson is on personal hygiene.

I don’t want to sound hypocritical here because I have not always been conscious about my hygiene.  Though today my body is a beacon of unrestrained masculinity, it is also capable of emitting unconscionable odors if left unchecked.  Though my body went through the obligatory motions of puberty a long time ago, its ramifications are still felt today.

hookup sleep away camp was, for me, an epiphany spurring proper body odor maintenance.  I had lived in Texas all my life, but had not yet lived for an extended period of time without air conditioning.  Camp, for me, was a nightmare, until we all went to a peculiar place called Wal-Mart.  It was there that I discovered one of man’s top three inventions of all time: antiperspirant/deodorant.  And as a side note, why do they make and market deodorant that is not also antiperspirant?  That seems counter-intuitive and cruel.  Who’s armpits smell but don’t sweat?  If yours do, tell me your secret!

In dating, personal hygiene is obviously important.  On a first date, no, you don’t have to go all out and wear cologne and after shave, though my dad might disagree.  Just remember the little things.  For example, if you eat a bulb of raw garlic right before a date, just stay calm and think about your situation.  Then brush your teeth for at least an hour.

Another broken rule that can be given a “pass” is when a guy calls to ask you out for the weekend after Wednesday. On one hand a man may need to know you require more advanced warning because you are a busy and popular gal, but if he’s calling you on a Thursday for Saturday and you have nothing to do and on top of that you actually like the guy, than why not accept the date? This “pass” is perfect for giving out (theoretically given out, please don’t actually tell him you’re giving him a “pass” or make a book of coupons) when you met the man within the same week or when you know he’s just returning from a work trip or when you had your first date a few days prior and you really enjoyed yourself and want to keep the momentum going.

A “pass” should not be given out in extreme circumstances. Sometimes you need to set a bar for yourself on how you wish to be treated and not let anyone manipulate those standards, no matter how charming he may be. Like when you emailed a 100hookup your phone number and he ignored it completely and continued to email you. A “pass” should not be given out when you feel disappointed or hurt because you don’t want to set a precedent that this type of behavior is okay.

Silly rules for dating have been created by people who used the tactics once – and coincidentally succeeded – rules are made to be broken for just this reason… they are silly! If you want to give a guy a break for waiting three days to call you instead of two, then do so. Who knows, he may be the one and had you not given him some leeway you would never have known that.

Month after month, the same faces seem to gaze upon you from the computer screen as you peruse 100hookup, searching, hoping that the discovery of a new face will appear. And you hope and wait and pray that this find will be a perfect match, both of you Hot-Listing each other, sending Flirts, messages and finally exchanging phone numbers only to meet up and unearth your beshert. But month after month this is not to be and your 100hookup prospects seem to be thinning as quickly as your boss’s hairline. Frustration sets in.

Date after date, the faces sitting across from you begin to all look alike, memories of those dates turn into a redundant void, lacking chemistry and stimulating conversation.  Even still, you hope, wait and pray before each date that this time will be different; this time your interest will be piqued, and there will be instant attraction, and you won’t want the night to end. But date after date this is not to be and the possibility of finding your beshert seems to be disappearing faster than the alcohol at an open bar wedding reception. Frustration turns to indignation.

So what’s a single Jew to do? Before you become so cynical you can’t see straight, I suggest reevaluating what YOU want out of life, out of a mate. Talk to any of your single friends, of any gender, any age, in any city and you’ll be quickly comforted by the fact that you’re not alone in your misery. Reevaluate your priorities: where do you want to go in your career? Are you spending enough quality time with family and friends? Are you eating well and exercising? Take a step back and take some “you” time and then give your 100hookup profile a facelift.

Once you’ve put everything into perspective and finished your profile makeover (new photos, new screen name, new paragraphs and most of all, new attitude) you’ll not only begin attracting potential dates like a moth to a flame, but you’ll be the *NEW* face on the screen and faces that once blended into the background will now stand out. Try it and good luck!

Naturally, we are drawn to a specific physical look: either the dark haired exotic look or the California blond.  And a specific persona as well: Either the charismatic charmer or perhaps the more aloof, mysterious type. If we date our specific type time and time again and it doesn’t work…what does that tell us?   No doubt familiarity breeds comfort but I believe it was Albert Einstein who told us “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.   A friend told me that when he decided his then girlfriend would be his future wife that she was everything he needed but not what he “thought” he wanted.  She didn’t fit the list.  She was 3 years older and not what he imagined.  But bottom line, she elevated him to becoming a better self, she made him smile and life was good.  Enough said.

With the ability to continuously click, cyber dating perpetuates the list mentality.  I’m at fault here.  There definitely need to be some basic fundamental similarities such as the desire (or lack of) to have children, similar religious commitments and lifestyles, and the like.  But putting that aside means not going on a date with someone who is bald when you preferred thick curly hair or a woman who is several years older than your 30 year old cut off really serving you the best outcome.  Sometimes finding what you need can come in mysterious packages.  All I’m saying (note to self) is keep an open mind, you may be wonderfully surprised.

It was a glorious weekend, taking a stroll on the upper west side to meet the girls at our favorite Sunday brunch place Isabella’s, very “sex and the city” as we toasted with our Bellini’s.  As I was walking, I locked eyes with a good-looking gentleman who waved hello.  He looked familiar but I could not place how I knew him.  I definitely did not know his name and I definitely had not gone on a date with him.  After racking my brain, I realized we had actually never met.  We only knew each other through cyber space and recognized each other from our photos.  How strange it is to recognize a familiar 100hookup face in a city of over 8 million people.  I guess strangers are only friends who have yet to meet.  To make it a little stranger, I saw him enter my building which I assume he lives in.  NYC for as big as it is, is amazingly small sometimes.

In this day and age it’s hard not to make a phone call. I accidentally call people all the time when I forget to lock the keypad on my cell phone. Still, I get more e-mails from women asking why men don’t call than any other type of question or complaint. It’s one of the oldest unanswered mysteries of our time: why do guys ask for our phone numbers and then never call? If you’re on 100hookup then you’re there to meet someone, right? I remember playing the 100hookup game perfectly — viewing, flirting, IMing, emailing, giving out my number and then… nothing.

Was his conquest complete after getting the digits? Did he suddenly suffer a case of amnesia? Is it possible he dropped his phone into a cup of water while he was hugging someone and lost all his numbers? (This is an actual excuse I got once.) Who really knows? Women are left to ponder the possibilities for endless eternity. Even worse, you went on a great date, had a really nice kiss at the end of the night, he told you he’d call you… and then… silence. Really? Come on guys, call if you say you’re going to call, otherwise don’t say you’re going to call. It’s simple.

One excuse I hear from men is that women like to talk a lot and they don’t want to get stuck talking on the phone forever. Instead, they’d rather text (groan). If you really want to see someone, then take the time and make the effort to place a phone call. It doesn’t have to be a long one. You can even start off the conversation by saying you’re busy but want to make plans to get together. But no, men would rather text “what r u up 2?” Seriously? You’re going to ask someone out via text message? (Again, this happened to me and more often than you’d think.)

A text does not take the place of a phone call. Period. Just pick up the phone and dial!

I know women aren’t innocent here (not even close), but I’ll get into that next week.

I am so looking forward to my last first date …

Does dating have to be difficult? That depends on who you ask. How many times have you made a list, marked the important qualities, and rejected those who did not live up to your expectations? I know for me it has happened more times then I can actually count. How does one get out of this space? It’s time to make a new list. For me it will begin with keeping my mind and heart open to whatever comes my way. Of course, I have specific qualities I believe I can’t live without. I dare you to find someone who doesn’t. However, times are a changing and life can be exciting if I allow it to be.

I think I will start this journey looking at people who are completely different then what I am accustomed to. I am going to give myself to this process and enjoy every second of it. My best guess is I will date many people who I don’t click with, but the reason I am here is to find the one I do click with. Who knows, going about this differently could actually work. I’m willing to give it a shot, are you?