Exclamation points pop up a lot in our emails to one another.

Thanks! … Have a great weekend!

I admit they add a built-in warmth and friendliness. Even when we apologize… My bad!

As much as we may overly exclaim our sentiments when typing or texting, we under-exclaim them in real life. Otherwise, if you passed me a napkin on our date, and I exclaimed, “Thanks!” you’d either think I was insane or resent me for sarcastically over-praising your napkin pass.

So how do we sensibly add the warmth and friendliness of email chatting to the real world, so maybe we could develop a healthy addiction to face to face chatting vs. screen to screen?

How ‘bout implanting miniature iPads on our eyeballs, so you can check your email when you’re looking into my eyes, and I can check my email when looking into yours? EyePads!!!!!!

Give or take an exclamation point.

In this era of ADD and multi-tasking, the art of focusing on something other than our own everyday mishegas is becoming a lost art. Aside from the hand-held devices that compete with actual hand holding, what if we tried letting go of those, as well as other barriers to bonding on that next 100hookup? This could be crazy, but hear me out. It’s called… hearing me out.

What if we paid absolutely no attention to our own needs, desires, egos, inner voices telling us what else we should be doing, and zeroed in exclusively on the conversation and well-being of the other person? Empathizing, relating, appreciating, learning. Not a one-way street dead end, but a synchronistic two-way street. They become fully invested in you, and you them. From the get-go!

The more invested you are in each other, even if it’s just a mental exercise, the more likely you’ll really start to become invested in each other.  Nice to meet you! Nice to meet you! You have nice eyes. (Or pick something about them that’s nice. Their nails. Their shoelaces. Something!) Thanks! You have nice eyebrows… Thanks! (My eyebrows? What’s wrong with my eyes? Inner voice, get lost. Back to them!)

Okay, we’re still in the beta stage here. Probably a few bugs to work out. But imagine, just imagine, if first dates made you feel good. With apologies to John Lennon, it’s easy if you try.

Here’s the kind of profile I steer clear of…

“Don’t lie about your height. If you have issues with your mother, I don’t want to hear from you. That means you’ll have issues with me too! Oh, and guys – I’m not your mother. I don’t need a grown kid to baby. I already had a kid.”

I feel like we’ve had our first fight, and we haven’t even met yet. When trying to sell their good side by arguing with you before laying eyes on you, something tells me I don’t want to go near their bad side.

Mutual fun managers should take a page from mutual fund managers: Past performance is no guarantee of future performance. (Okay, premature arguing does guarantee post-mature arguing.) In the case of guys or gals who previously didn’t pass your smell test, don’t think the rest of the guys or gals out there are equally culpable. Maybe we daters should take a page from the airlines and charge fees for excess baggage.

Oh. And I’m five feet eight and a half.

One of my all-time favorite movies was Being There. Chauncey Gardiner, played brilliantly by the late Peter Sellers, uttered simplistic ramblings in which his worshipers mistakenly read great value. In other words, less is sometimes more. Take the 100hookup profiles that have yet to be filled out.

My favorite books, movies, TV shows, music and food: (not answered yet) Wow! We have so much in common. My favorite books, movies, TV shows, music and food haven’t been answered yet either!

For fun, I like to… (not answered yet) I too find it fun not answering a questionnaire that asks me what I like doing for fun!

You should definitely message me if you… (not answered yet)

I haven’t answered you yet, so I should definitely message you. And when we go out, remind me to remind you to tell me your story about “not answered yet.”

It’s one of my life’s ambitions not answered yet.

A native Chicago woman I met recently happened to bemoan that in Los Angeles, not the easiest town for meeting people (unless they’re encased in tons of steel), guys rarely utter the “d” word. No, not “divorced.” “Date.”

Wanna meet for coffee? Fine. Catch a movie? Sure. Go out on a date? Let’s think first. Are we really ready for that kind of commitment?

Before we rename 100hookup JHang, maybe it’s time to reexamine our phobias about dating. For most of us, the date that will live in infamy isn’t just Pearl Harbor Day. Most of them eventually end on a less than mutually blissful note. Otherwise, we wouldn’t still be looking. Maybe we’re reluctant to assign the lost opportunities of past dates to future ones. But, before we neuter the term into oblivion, let’s make a date to start treating “date” with the respect it deserves. Interested in her? Ask her out on a date. Not interested in him? Tell him, “No. But, let’s catch a movie.”

Okay. I’ll hit the theater near me. You hit the one near you.

Two days in the rest room.  Are you okay? … That’s good… So where were we? … Oh yeah, I was asking what you do…

If you sell real estate … Challenging times these days, huh? …

If you elaborate, I’ll show you my listening skills. If you sounded annoyed with my follow-up, I’ll try to make a joke … If this doesn’t work out and you set me up with a friend, can I call you a “charming fixer-upper?”

If you give me a rim shot … Listen, it was nice meeting you. Not really, but I figure we might as well cut our losses.

If you start apologizing for being in a crummy mood, and that it has nothing to do with me … That’s okay. Is everything all right?

If you relay something traumatic, I’ll feel embarrassed and try to make amends for prematurely ending our “date.” But if you go on to describe the small annoyances in your day, I’ll pretend I’m listening as I mentally rehearse how to convincingly slip in the “It was nice meeting you” kiss-off.

So what do you like to do for fun? …

If you say, “I love the sun,” I’ll try to hide my preference for cloudy skies. If you say, “The usual: Movies, restaurants, traveling,” I’ll say, “Me too,” meaning I like “the usual” too, which could be different from your usual, but you don’t have to know that yet. That is, till my keyboard just opened its big mouth.

Been watching the debates? …

If you ask, “What’s with Ron Paul’s right eyebrow?” I’ll laugh, and go … “Yeah, it looks like it became unglued.” If you say, “Romney never looks unglued,” I’ll go … “If it were his eyebrow, he’d flip-flop between his right and his left.”

If you laugh, I’ll laugh and think, this is fun. This is what dating should be!

If you ask who I’m voting for … Chelsea Clinton in 2024. After I don’t vote for Jeb Bush in 2016 and 2020.

If you laugh again, I’m asking you out. If you give me a rim shot … Listen, it was nice meeting you.

Where would we be without 100hookup? Forced to meet people in normal everyday situations. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. Speaking of abnormal situations, available women by the thousands, listen up! What are you doing right now? I know it’s kind of sudden, but this being a brand spanking New Year, I was wondering if you’d like to have coffee sometime. Like this second. Go ahead, pour yourself a cup of coffee. Okay, to appreciably up my odds of connecting with at least one of you out there, I’m about to turn this into an interactive virtual mass date.

Hi… I’m Andy… What’s your name? … Say your name … Nice name …

If your name is Andi, I’ll wait for you to chuckle. If you’re Andi, and you’re not chuckling, note to self: Might not share sense of humor wavelength.

Re: your name … Be sure to thank your parents for me.

If you say, “Will do,” we’re moving on. If you say, “I don’t speak to my parents”… We have a lot in common. I don’t speak to your parents either.

If you chuckle, note to self: She may have parent issues, but she seems nice.

If you gave me a rim shot, note to self: Anything sounds moronic with a rim shot. E=MC2 sounds moronic with a rim shot.

Where are you from? … Say town … I always wanted to visit there …

If you said Buffalo or Pacoima, I’ll wait for you to stop chuckling at my ironic retort. If you’re not chuckling, see sense of humor caveat.

So, what do you do? …

If you’re a doctor, lawyer, or teacher … That must be very rewarding.

If you work at a supermarket checkout aisle … Does counting to ten at the ten items or less counter make you less angry? Not that you sound angry. It was just a joke.

The restroom? Well, you know where your own restroom is. I’ll see you when you get back.

Part 2 on Thursday.

Welcome back to September 12, 2012. Or forward, that is. Hope you’re having a rockin’ hookup New Year’s Eve. Our own Sarah Silverman is at Times Square feeling the electricity…

Sarah: “Actually, Andy, it’s the pins and needles from my foot being asleep. Jews everywhere partying like it’s 5999. That was the Prince song he was smart enough not to release. hookup New Year’s Eve is the one night when we throw caution to the wind and really let our hair down. As a full-fledged member of the tribe, I can attest that it’s a nice break from all the other nights of the year when our hair lets us down, but I’ve learned to live with the frizzies, if you call this living. Here’s a young man that looks like he’s ready to nosh up a storm. Happy hookup New Year!”

Young man: “What’s nosh mean?”

Sarah: “Keep moving – There’s a sale on mayonnaise down the street, not that you’d care. About the sale, that is. Okay, now here’s a gal that looks like she’s in for a night of kvelling. Happy hookup New Year!”

Gal: “Same to you.”

Sarah: “Are you making any hookup New Year’s resolutions this year?”

Gal: “I resolve to resent my folks for spray-painting my name and phone number on their roof in case an eligible young doctor spots it on Google Earth.”

Sarah: “Finally, a resolution that’s unbreakable. If an eligible young doctor is watching, I’m on 100hookup.”

Sarah, I have to interrupt! We’re just seconds away from the sun dropping down into 5773!

Ten-nine-eight-seven-six-five-four-three-two-one…Happy hookup New Year! Come on, folks. Look up from your hand-held devices.

Okay, so maybe most of us will be gazing at Blackberrys® versus blackberry Manischewitz shooters the first night of 5773. But at least that’ll leave us bright-eyed and bushy-tailed the next morning for the Roses’ Parade. The Roses – the parade sponsors who allowed me to co-opt their name for that little joke. First up – the Larry David float. All natural materials, the little pisher he’s kicking off his front yard is a mixture of 350 blintzes and 84 pounds of lox. While Larry is crafted from a combination of knishes and bitter herbs.

Nu? As in the Yiddish expression, “So, what’s new?” Certainly not 5772, the year we Jews ushered in well over three months ago. My celebration kind of paled in comparison to the merriment non-Jews and Jews alike are planning, to welcome in 2012. Where were our wacky 5772 eyeglasses? Where were our noisemakers? (Our stomachs growling from the approaching fast is about all I can come up with.) Where was my hot Rosh Hashanah Eve date? Where is my hot generic New Year’s Eve date?

I didn’t even experience the exhilarating embarrassment of accidentally writing 5771 on my October rent check. Why can’t our holidays be as festive as everybody else’s? It’s not too late to glean a lesson or two from the galas about to unfold, and incorporate them into next year’s high holidays. Our high holidays, not the “high” holidays in which those planning to get high need a designated driver. Picture, if you will, September 16, 2012. It’s shortly before sunset. Time to kick back, pour yourself a glass of Manischewitz and tune into… Rockin’ hookup New Year’s Eve!

To the chosen people around the world, thank you for choosing Andy Cowan’s Rockin’ hookup New Year’s Eve. The feeling of anticipation is truly palpable – the anticipation I have that some of you are now looking up the word “palpable” to see if it also means “negligible”.

We’re just moments away from greeting the year 5773! Sounds strange, doesn’t it? Then again, 5772 didn’t exactly roll off the tongue either. We may be knee deep into the ‘70s, but at least we can all be thankful we aren’t wearing polyester leisure suits again. Speaking of the ‘70s, fellow sons of Israel, Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond, will be tearing it up here later. The “it” I’m referring to, is the business card of the agent who landed them this gig.

Can you believe another whole year has flown by since last Rockin’ hookup New Year’s Eve? Me neither. Then again, last hookup New Year’s Eve began September 28th, so that may have something to do with it. It’s a wild scene here at Times Square. Okay, maybe not wild, but I do see a reasonable amount of people ambling about, staring into their Blackberrys. Sarah Silverman is out there amidst the dozens of revelers, and we’ll hear from her when we come back!

(To be continued)

It’s not too early to begin making dating resolutions for 2012… resolutions you’re guaranteed to keep. So let’s begin, shall we?

1)   Stop having dates that are absolutely perfect.
2)   Make more of an effort to sweat the small stuff.
3)   Work less at understanding your date’s differences of opinion.
4)   Savor the art of not listening.
5)   Try harder to hold grudges.
6)   Don’t move out of your comfort zone.
7)   Come with a lot more baggage.
8)   Savor the greener grass of your friends’ relationships.
9)   Look at your significant other’s heart as half empty vs. half full
10)  Always try to have the last word.

There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?  And my last New Year’s wish to you… May you fall off the wagon on numbers one through ten.