Archive for the ‘Online Dating’ Category

If you have ever watched any of the The Bachelor franchise’s shows then odds are you’ve seen or heard of a participant (contestant?) named Chris Bukowski who has been on a record-setting FIVE different seasons. Finally, he has learned his lesson and is exiting Bachelor Nation, but his journey reminds me of those singles who are TOO visible in the dating world.

Who am I talking about? You know them. It’s the singles who have been on 100hookup for years and years without a break and without even updating their profile or photos, and are also on other dating sites and apps, and go to every mixer in the community, and ask out or accept dates without any consideration, and are simply just too available that it comes off as desperate — learn from Chris B. and step away!

What should you do if you think this applies to you? Skip some events — don’t worry, your Beshert isn’t going to magically appear at that one event you miss! — hide your online dating profiles, and forget about dating for a while as you concentrate on other things in your life. There’s that obnoxious saying: when you’re not thinking about it (dating) as much, chances are that is when it will finally happen (meeting someone of substance) — but it’s true. Try it. What do you have to lose?

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Dear Tamar,

I’ve been attempting to get in contact with this girl whom I’d like to get to know. But I’m not getting anywhere.

She originally viewed my profile and after looking at hers I decided to send her a message. I didn’t get a response but she did look at my profile again, good news I guess. I then waited a few days to see if she would reply to my message and still nothing.

I then sent a follow up message and again no response but she viewed my profile again. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I think that she’s interested but somewhat unsure about responding.

Do you have any advice? She seems like someone who I can develop a relationship with.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Viewing Game,

First, look to see if your email to her was “read” or not. If it was read by her and she hasn’t yet responded but she’s still viewing your profile then perhaps write her again and jokingly let her know that you know she’s unsure about whether to respond and that you’ll make it worth her effort, or that she won’t be disappointed, or something else fun and light-hearted.

If your message isn’t showing as “read” then unfortunately it sounds like she may not have a paid 100hookup account. Obviously being able to contact prospective 100hookuprs is the biggest reason to get a paid account and sometimes people wait until they have someone who’ve they’ve played this viewing game with before finally joining. Try sending her a flirt since she can see that without being a subscriber. She won’t be able to respond but it might be the catalyst to finally getting her to subscribe.

The final option is to try and catch her online so that you can instant message her. Again, you have to be a subscriber to begin the IM session but she doesn’t have to be a subscriber to answer. Now, go get her!

Need more tips on hookup dating? How to Woo a Jew has your answers! Buy the book and follow on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!

Last week, I talked about some general dating fashion tips, but this week, let’s get specific. How do you know what kind of date calls for what kind outfit? Check out the list below for some guidance:

Coffee date: Asking someone for coffee means “you’re a decent online conversationalist, and I’m ready to meet you in person, but I’m not willing to commit to anything involving time or money in case we don’t click in real life.” Due to the casual and brief nature of the coffee date, you’re allowed to look casual. However, because of the brief encounter, your first impression is even more important here. This means that you should take care to look good and presentable, even if you’re wearing casual clothes. Do not wear gym clothes, leggings, or anything that shows you clearly stopped by the date on the way from an activity that involves sweating.  A sundress, jeans, or a sweater dress and boots in the winter is perfect.

Drinks and/or dinner: I put drinks and dinner in the same category, because, if a drink date goes well, it will often lead to dinner.  Assuming this dinner date doesn’t involve a drive-thru window, look extra nice!  Ladies, this means a dress and heels (unless your date is shorter than you, in which case, use your discretion), or something equally dressy. Guys, slacks and a shirt always work – and tuck it in and use a belt!

An “activity” date: This can include bowling, hiking, rock climbing, or any extreme adventure from The Bachelor that doesn’t actually happen in real life.  You will be moving around, so you want to be comfortable (i.e., not pulling up your strapless bra or tugging at your dress), but this is NOT an excuse to wear some ratty old gym clothes.  ‘Athleisure’ is a thing for a reason.  Leggings (in good condition) plus a bright colored top and tennis shoes will do for the ladies.  Guys, clean clothes without holes and tennis shoes in good condition are acceptable. You might decide to go to a casual restaurant afterward, so make sure your outfit is versatile.

Wild card: In this scenario, all you know is that you’re getting picked up at 8. You aren’t sure where you are going or what you’ll be doing.  Unfortunately, you must be prepared for a multitude of situations.  You should be safe wearing something on a level between your coffee date and dinner date.  Wear semi-comfortable shoes in case you end up walking more than expected, and for either gender, you can’t go wrong with nice jeans and a cool jacket.

100hookup has a lot of multiple choice, fill in the blank, and essay questions asking you what you want, but what about what you DON’T want? I’m sure we can all make a list a mile long of things we would prefer a partner not to have, but try to whittle that list down to just a couple of things.

These are not your preferences, but rather the “I know for a fact that I can’t live with someone who…” (smokes, is not pro-choice, owns a gun, doesn’t read books, dresses up to reenact the Civil War, doesn’t want kids, whatever it is). It’s okay to be upfront and straightforward about specific traits that you have an aversion to. That said, you need to be open in other areas if you’re going to state one or two things that is an absolute dealbreaker.

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It’s not just a Bobby McFerrin song, it’s a lifestyle. Being happy is a decision you make about how you want to live and you get to make this decision each and every day. Being happy is attractive and will attract other happy people — and that includes singles attracting prospects.

Being happy in your life right now, being happy being alone and being single (not the same thing), is attractive. People who let their current situation get the best of them can come across as pessimistic, bitter, and negative on a date which is obviously a huge turn-off. People like this seem to depend on finding on a mate in order to make them happy, but your happiness should not be dependent upon someone else. It sounds logical reading it, but for some reason people don’t always identify as one these people or understand how to change it.

You want to be someone who has made the best of their situation by enjoying their life as-is. You’re single? So what! Find joy in all of the amazing things you have going on in your life, not what you’re missing. That said, make sure you do leave room for that special someone!

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Dear Tamar,

I am back on 100hookup after about a year off and already met a great guy! He and I exchanged a few emails, and now a few texts. He sent the last one last night. So what next? What do I do?

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear What Next?

Do nothing. If he wants to go on a date with you, he will call you and ask you out. I am not a fan of texting, aside from exchanging pleasantries, before you’re in a bonafide relationship. We’ve all heard the phrase “he’s just not that into you,” and here’s where it rings true: If a guy is into you, he will call and ask you out, otherwise he’s just not that into you.

UPDATE
Since initially writing this, the guy did, in fact, call and ask our lovely emailer out!  They went on an awesome first date and they already have their second date planned!

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One of the weirdest things about dating is that we often date — and even stay in a relationship with — someone whom we can’t even imagine marrying or spending the rest of our lives with. We fight to make these relationships work and are upset when the other half of the equation sees the writing on the wall first.

Some of this is pride. We want to make it work with someone just so that we aren’t alone. Or to make it work with someone who is good on paper, or someone we think (or others think) we should be with. And we fight to make these relationships work because we don’t want to go through another breakup. And we are sad if the other person ends it first because it’s a bruise to our ego.

So here’s my straightforward, no bullshit advice: YOU KNOW this is not someone you want to or could spend the rest of your life with, so why bother spending one more day on this person when you could be spending that time finding someone better-suited? If you are looking conscientiously, then you know who you are and what you want in a mate and who you want to be in a relationship, so don’t settle or waste any more time once you figure out that person isn’t it.

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Vanity Fair’s article about how dating apps have changed — and possibly eradicated — dating was filled with shock value. People who use Tinder and other similar apps (think: swipe right) know that it can be used just for hooking up, but there are also plenty of couples who met via those apps. You wouldn’t know that by the article as it was all about how many hook-ups occurred, how often, how quickly, and how easily.

That was probably the worst part… a consistent theme throughout the article had to do with the ease of the hook-ups, and how it was more often than not the men that dictated the extent of the hook-up: one-time, a continuing thing, or a relationship. And the women have to go along with this hoping that maybe they can change a guy’s mind and make him want more than a hook-up. But, the catch-22 is that most of these men don’t want a relationship with the type of girl who will hook-up after few (if any) interactions, after being matched on one of these apps.

So here’s the deal: if you just want to have fun, then go ahead with the apps. But if you’re looking for a relationship, then you need to stick to a site like 100hookup where people take more time and effort to create profiles and select prospects. Do you want to be somebody’s priority or somebody’s option?

The swipe right apps have so many participants that it can give you a false sense of how many eligible prospects actually meet even a minimum of your criteria, which leads to a false sense of thinking you can do better than the awesome person in front of you. These dating apps are addictive because they are quick and easy, and there are seemingly always new singles to swipe. Don’t get caught up and have unrealistic expectations of who you can meet on an app where the goal is just hooking up.

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Somehow in my mind, shopping for a new watch is equated with shopping for a husband.  Allow me to explain this thought process through a journey to the center of my mind: I’ve always been a watch person – I feel naked without one, and I’ve worn several different timepieces throughout my adult years.  And I tend to be more of a “quantity over quality” watch owner, preferring lower quality, trendier  pieces to classic expensive timepieces that will last forever.  A consequence of this habit is frequent replacing – straps break, batteries fail, faces tarnish, and in one case, this chain attached to the strap that I thought was really cool just plain fell off. My penchant for replaceable (read: cheap) watches means I’m always on the lookout for the next style I might want to wear. So whenever I’m shopping at a department store (or let’s be honest – Marshalls and/or TJ Maxx), I usually peruse the watch section so that when my current watch inevitably breaks, I’ll have a replacement in mind. One store in particular usually has a ton of good options for sale, and I never have trouble finding several that I like when I shop.

So anyway, a couple weeks ago, my watch battery died, and soon after, I realized that water droplets had somehow snuck under the glass that protected the face of my watch, rendering it unreadable.  The situation wasn’t worth fixing, so I headed to my favorite store to find a replacement.  But something different happened. Now that I actually had to pick one to buy and wear everyday on my wrist, I suddenly couldn’t find one that I liked! Just a few weeks prior, when I wasn’t seriously in the market for a watch, I saw a display of nice watches, any one of which would look nice and have the features I wanted.  But now that I actually had to choose one to wear, all I saw were flaws.  This one was fine, but I really wanted a leather wrap-around band and this wasn’t exactly what I pictured.  And that one had a nice face, but the band was a rose-gold color that clashed with my other jewelry.  This inner dialogue went on and on until I couldn’t find a single watch that met my expectations. So I left the store, defeated.

And then, standing there empty-handed in the mall parking lot, I had a mini-epiphany: This is exactly why I leave so many dates “empty handed.” The same psychological principle is at play here.  When I look at a group of something (watches, people, whatever), I see a general sense of possibility – a pool of potential. But selecting one out of the group means leaving other (possibly better) options behind, or picking the one that will turn out to be a lemon, or deciding that one is best, only to have your tastes change shortly after selection.  A watch is just an object, and especially for me, it’s not a permanent life fixture. So if I felt that way about my watch selection, it’s no wonder these thoughts and the related fear cause me to “leave the store” of dating without selecting an option.

So back to the story – there I was, watchless. I decided to go to a different store and check out the selection, and I found the same issue – lots of choice, none perfect. It was getting late (I think – I didn’t know what time it was) and I didn’t want to go home empty handed. So I picked the least objectionable option and called it a day. And you know what? I’m really happy with my reliable new watch. I now like the way it looks, and it runs great.  A stylish coworker even complimented it.

So the next time I find myself surrounded by options of people, yet feeling disappointed and ready to leave, I hope I remember to glance at my watch – it will tell me that it’s time to change my thinking.

If you have a 100hookup account then I can pretty much assume that you have a Facebook page — and quite possibly some other combination of Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Google+, and/or LinkedIn (and I’m sure there are other sites and apps I’m missing). Using the internet while dating is tricky because once you exchange names, then all it takes is a couple of clicks of the mousepad to learn more about a prospect.

This is a good and bad thing, which I’ve discussed before, but that doesn’t mean you need to shut down social media. A guy I once dated was unsearchable, and it actually made me think there was something he was hiding. Even once we started dating and added each other on different sites — eliminating the “privacy” modes — he still didn’t have anything posted, nor did he often “like” items. He did, however, scroll through Facebook and Instagram regularly and the combination of the two made me very skeptical.

On the other hand, you can meet people who over-share and put every detail about their life online — pictures of their meals, status updates about their frustrating morning, opinions about everything, photos of every thing they do, and so on. That doesn’t include clicking “like” for ALL of their friends posts and commenting as well. It’s exhausting and it’s overkill for someone who barely knows you, but is interested in dating you.

As with most things, there’s a happy medium with social media where you let people see things about your life without being too much of an open book or too much of a recluse. You can also use privacy settings for people you don’t really know so they can’t see everything you post, and they can get to know you at a more natural pace.

That said, try not to cyber stalk and don’t add your date on social media until you’re on your way to dating seriously. Not every first date should become a Facebook friend.

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