Join for Free

An Epic Two-Word Response to, “Why aren’t you married yet?”

by Rabbi Josh Yuter under JBloggers,100hookup,Relationships,Single Life

CRTV-1242-header-RJY

Nu? So why aren’t you married yet?

I’m guessing if you’re reading this blog you’ve probably gotten this question yourself. Maybe you were in your 20’s when all your friends were getting engaged and married (at least for the first time), or maybe you’re advanced in your 30’s, 40’s, or older. Even if you’ve been lucky enough to have friends and family who are too polite to say this to your face, you might have heard it said about others behind their backs. Even in dating, you might find someone who is more suspicious of someone who has never been married than someone who has been divorced or widowed. The implication is always the same regardless of context; if you haven’t gotten married yet, then there must be something wrong with you.

Singles often have to deal with condescending comments like “Im Yirtzeh Hashem (God willing) by You,” but given the confrontational tone, asking why someone isn’t married is less of a personal inquiry as it is an attack on one’s character. You’re too picky. You’re priorities in life are all wrong. You’re immature. Even if there are substantive emotional challenges with which one is struggling, these would probably not be something people would want to share, especially after being placed on the defensive. There’s virtually no way to answer this question without conceding the premise that, indeed, you should have been married by now, and you must now justify your flawed status in life.

I happen to be a firm believer in Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” I’d like to think that people aren’t trying to put others down as much as they are insensitive or ignorant as to the implications of what they’re saying (a recurrent problem in society). Counter-attacking people for their rudeness might feel good in the moment as a way to salvage your dignity, but not only can you come across as unhinged, but you do little to educate well-meaning people as to their insensitivity. On the other hand, not everyone is willing to engage in a detailed conversation, let alone mussar / rebuke, which means an effective response has to be as short as the other person’s attention span.

My suggestion is that the next time someone asks you (or about someone else), “Why aren’t you married yet?” simply respond by asking, “To whom?”

“To whom?”

Yep, and it makes perfect sense.

When someone asks, “why aren’t you married yet” they’re imposing a social stigma, that is the cultural expectation that people ought to get married, and by a certain point in their lives. The problem of course is that people don’t get married to ideas or expectations (excluding metaphors or new-age weddings), they get married to people. Meaning, if someone thinks you ought to have gotten married by now, then it follows there must have been some individual whom you could have married. The set of people anyone could have married can only include the smaller subset of people with whom one has had a relationship and where the other person wanted to get married. After all, in both hookup and secular law, you cannot get married to people who aren’t interested. By definition, getting married is not an individual choice, but a joint decision.

It’s impossible to answer “to whom?” without knowing someone’s life or the details of every previous personal relationship. Only the most socially inept would respond by asking why you didn’t get married to a specific previous significant other, and at a point it would be completely socially acceptable to inform them that your previous relationships are none of their business, or ask them why they think your life would have been better had you married that person.

The main point is that by asking, “to whom?” you not only address the substance of the question directly, but you also reframe the concept of relationships from societal expectations to personal reality. Instead of being forced to defend your life choices or circumstances, you subtly remind people that you’re not just a statistic or nameless interchangeable single person, but that you’re an individual with specific unique experiences. This includes not just finding the right person, but doing so at the right time for both of you. Societal expectations dictate that “getting married” is more important than the quality of the marriage. But while it might not matter to society to whom one gets married, I would hope that to the individual in question it matters a great deal.

So, the next time you find yourself hearing someone ask why you or someone else isn’t married, try these two simple words. You might educate someone while simultaneously validating wherever you happen to be in life.


5 Responses to “An Epic Two-Word Response to, “Why aren’t you married yet?””

  1. Eric Says:

    Very nice.

    Also, “to whom” shifts the subject from “what do I think about this person” to “what can I do to help this person”.

  2. Ben Says:

    “You’re an individual”

    I’m not!

  3. Memeito Says:

    It doesn’t really work…If you reply “To whom?”, the answer will be: “Well, don’t you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?”. If you say yes, they will want to know why you don’t want to marry them, if you say no, they will ask why are you single, so you are just extending an awkward conversation.

  4. Samcrubin Says:

    I have to agree with Memeito that to whom doesn’t work. I get asked this question all the time and I am getting tired of it. I don’t want to get married because I am tired of answering to why I am not married. I would like to get married if I believe will bring betterment to my existence. Besides, getting married does not guaranteed that one will stay married. Some people believe that getting married is more important than the actual marriage and I am not one of those people. Making yourself believe that it’s time to get married is a bad recipe for a relationship.

  5. timothy Says:

    I have often replied, would u like the long version or short version? OR
    I would rather be single and eventually meet the right person than be married to the wrong person. Haven’t found Mrs. Right, so I continue working on being Mr. Right.

Leave a Reply


+ 2 = nine

craigslist sex hookups

Every thing you will need to know about the single life in 2017 is proper here. Season 2 of Single s Inferno will see the return of significantly of the exact same creative staff. Creators Kim Jae won and Kim Na hyun are back on board for the second season with Ji Hyun sook and Lee Jeong hwa directing. Jae won is known for his work on a quantity of Korean reality shows which includes the second series of the preferred backpacking series Traveler which also airs on JTBC. Single s Inferno is a collaboration between Netflix and JTBC with the Shijak company also helping create. What has been your most life altering encounter? rub rating.com Extended galleries of hotties with fascinating bio, protected chat and other leading functions make them best places to seek sex. Join OnenightFriend.com for regional on line chat with folks who are not looking for a severe partnership. The greatest part about coming to an on the web dating internet site is that there is a full lack of expectations on your element that makes it more flirty and exciting. When you sign up for this site, you will see that you have hundreds if not thousands of men and women to pick from in your regional location. That offers you far more choices for chat than you will know what to do with. If you want to connect only with nearby members, you can customize the search to your area. You can use a lot of totally free options like replying to messages, sending funny emojis, adding customers to favorites, and other folks. In case you would like to use unlimited chat, contemplate upgrading to premium, which will expense you about 40 USD per month. We give this neighborhood hookup web site a rating of four.8 stars simply because of the huge number of active members and effortless to navigate interface. BeNaughty.com is another fantastic option for singles and couples seeking regional hookups. The web site delivers a naughty and exciting community to its millions of members from the USA, Canada, the UK, Spain, Sweden, Denmark, and numerous other countries. m spdate com If a girl is interested in a connection, she may well assume that you are, as nicely. Be sincere about what you happen to be searching for prior to you get as well far into the conversation. Explain that you happen to be only interested in a hook up so she knows what to anticipate. You may well assume they make you seem appealing and in demand, but girls can locate them off putting. If a girl tells you no, never attempt to change her mind.