Archive for August, 2012

Do you follow the 3rd date rule? You know, the one where you have sex if/when the 3rd date is successful? Why the 3rd date? Well, most dates end after the 1st date. Most people will tell you they have gone on dozens of 1st dates but just a few 2nd dates. Following that pattern, it would take a lot of promise to reach the 3rd date. And if that is successful, well then, the pressure is on to consummate the relationship.

It doesn’t matter your age or sexual experience – DO NOT feel obligated to have sex just because you reached the 3rd date. It may be a good idea to not have sex until then, but a certain number of dates does not sex make. If you like the person and are hoping for it to turn into something serious then it would be smart to wait until after you’ve had “The Talk” and are fully committed before having sex (which could then possibly be referred to as “making love”). If you know the date isn’t going to turn into anything, but there is mad chemistry, well, it’s your decision to make about whether or not you want to make whoopie. Be smart – and safe – about your choice.

Meet my parents. Meet them. They are great. I’m never anxious about a girl meeting my parents. I think people that get nervous when a significant other is about to meet their parents are subconsciously worried that their date will find out who they actually are because really, whether you like it or not, your parents are an extension of you. More chronologically accurate, you are an extension of your parents.

Unless your parents are serial killers, and you know who you are, I think it is a great idea to introduce a girl or boy to your parents as soon as possible. As I grow older, I start to see that I share so many similarities with my parents that I never really thought about before. I’m starting to say my dad’s horrible jokes more frequently, even though my own jokes are hilarious. I suppose my son will one day repeat my jokes one day, but I hope he won’t, because they’re often graphic, and if I ever repeat any of them to any child, mine or not, I should be immediately put to death.

Not introducing your girlfriend to your parents is akin to hiding the fact that you pick your nose or that you watch reality television. Eventually, those boogers are going to come out, and if you wait too long, they’re going to get all runny and green and bacteria-filled. Don’t expose your girlfriend to endemic pathogens. Any secrets you have are going to eventually come out. The longer you wait, the greener they get.

However, if you’re introducing me to your parents, please tell me at least a little bit in advance. I’m sure I will like them a lot if I like you a lot, but I’d still like to shower and wear something nice.

1. Drugs, Nudity No Big Deal for Shia LaBeouf

It looks like Shia LaBeouf may take method acting very seriously. For his latest independent film, The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman, the hookup actor plays a mob character who trips out on LSD. LaBeouf tells USA Today that he spent a day on the hallucinogenic drug to better understand his character.

“There’s a way to do an acid trip like [the comedy] Harold & Kumar,” he tells the newspaper, “and there’s a way to be on acid.” LaBeouf goes on to say he prefers a real-life approach, despite what can then happen. “Sometimes, it does get real. Too real [for a director] who’s trying to keep a diplomatic set,” he says.

LaBeouf is planning to get even more real in his newly-announced project, in which he is expected to strip all the way down for director Lars Von Trier’s racy The Nymphomaniac. Talk about a “nude awakening!”

2. “Aly, Will You Marry Me?”

We can see it now, a wedding processional that includes backflips down the aisle! Three-time Olympic medalist Aly Raisman received a surprise marriage proposal while signing autographs at Office Depot in Los Angeles on Friday. A fan jokingly asked for the 18-year-old gymnast’s hand in marriage – with a Ring Pop!

According to People magazine, Raisman responded by saying yes to part of the proposal: “I’ll take the Ring Pop!” Raisman said with a smile. We wonder if the all-star athlete will wear any of her Olympic medals around her neck on her actual wedding day…

3. Rachel Weisz Gets Cut

Actress Rachel Weisz was proud to say she worked hard in Terrence Malick’s upcoming film, To the Wonder, but the hookup star just heard her part was sadly cut from the film.

Weisz told an Italian newspaper about the abrupt change in the movie last week, “It seems that my part has been cut… so I had the experience of working with [Malick] but I will not have the pleasure of seeing my work.” We may just start a petition to urge Malick to put her role back in the movie!

Now that we’ve accomplished that (almost) everyone on 100hookup has already had sex, let’s talk about sex baby. You can probably make assumptions about the amount of sexual experience someone has had, but you know what they say what happens when you assume – you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Just because someone has all the right moves and knows what you like doesn’t mean that he or she was promiscuous before meeting you. Just because someone is an awful kisser and an awkward lover doesn’t mean that he or she was a prude before meeting you either. Don’t worry about what your partner did or didn’t do B.Y. (before you), concentrate on your chemistry together and on the experiences you will create together. If you spend your time pondering too much about where your date has been B.Y., it means you’re not spending enough time wondering about where the date could lead.

B.Y. is none of your business. It does not matter. Accept your date for who they are and move on. If you can’t, then that person isn’t right for you. You need to find that someone who you can accept without doubt because you want to be with them more than you want to know about their past.

He poked me on Facebook. Twice. Was one poke just not enough? We had only gone on one date, and it was just a cup of coffee in Gramercy on a Saturday afternoon. And immediately after he texted me that he had a good time. That’s it. And then a week later, when I had not texted back, he thinks about all the ways he could get in touch with me – phone, email, text, singing telegram, fax – and decides after much consideration I imagine, nope let’s go with a poke. That’ll get her heart. So when I didn’t answer him back, hoping he’d get the point, this guy throws the Hail Mary of Facebook communication and pokes me again.

Now that we were two pokes in, I knew I had to officially let him down. This might come as a surprise, but up until this moment I’ve only had the experience of telling guys I’m not interested after very ordinary interactions. None of my mother’s lessons in etiquette even remotely prepared me for post-100hookup Facebook poking. I never even dreamed Facebook poking would be something I’d have to deal with. So I was completely on my own when I sat down to write him back and convey that I wasn’t interested and while I know he meant well, Facebook poking after a date is just wrong. So, so wrong.

Hi D—,

I really was hoping I didn’t have to write this message. I think you’re a great guy, however, I don’t think we clicked when we met for coffee. I don’t know how to say what I am about to tell you without sounding harsh. I’ve thought of a ZILLION ways to say this nicely, and this is the best I can come up with: Poking someone on Facebook, especially after an interaction like ours, doesn’t come off charming. It was really awkward – both times – and I didn’t know how to react. I’m only saying this because I think other girls might have the same reaction as I did. A message is much nicer and more upfront than a poke (I’m sorry if that sounded as mean as I think it does. I just really wanted to let you know for the future).

Take care,
Kelly

I thought about this recently when I told a guy I wasn’t interested in him after 3 dates. I was shocked when he asked me where he went wrong. He said I could think of it as a favor, as he wanted to learn from this experience. I gave him a little feedback, and I think he genuinely appreciated my honesty. You know, maybe it wasn’t my place to tell the Facebook poker that poking is creepy, but part of me wanted to save him. What if no girl ever had the chutzpah to break it to him that poking is socially unacceptable? Would he still be Facebook poking girls innocently thinking that he was flirting? I really believe that all of the guys I’ve gone out with – well, at least for the most of them – deserve a fair shot. And besides, if you can’t learn from your dating mistakes after a 100hookup, when can you?

Most writers are sad all of the time and then die alone. This is either because they sit in darkness and solitude all day contemplating the meaning of their own existence while they ironically get closer to death every minute they spend trying to think about what they’re supposed to be doing, or because they have really bad hygiene.

Luckily, I have pretty good hygiene and I always make sure that the light is on. However, every minute that I spend writing is a minute that I’m not doing something else, like walking. Even walking to the refrigerator provides enough of an experience for my body to release enough endorphins for me to forget that the only thing in the refrigerator is two-year-old V8, and if I were to drink it, I would die. It’s a really good thing I spend only about twenty minutes writing these.

So, every Monday and Wednesday night, I sit in my room and write these things. When I started, I wrote exclusively about dating, but I soon learned that 1.) I did not go on two dates a week and 2.) I have absolutely no practical advice to give to anyone who paid money for a dating service. So then, I decided to try to write about how not to act on a date, but realized that in order to know how to not act on a date, you would also have to know how to act on a date.

But then things got weird, because I never wanted anyone that I was dating and had met via 100hookup to read this. Luckily, they probably never did because either nobody found out about the fact that I wrote here or nobody cared. However, sometimes it would slip out, and I would get really nervous. I didn’t really think about the fact that this writing is just a reflection of myself, so even if they didn’t read it, they were still getting a pretty good idea of what I was all about.

Blogging for a dating site is a really weird thing. I’ve been writing here for two years. How do you take someone’s advice that you know has been relatively single for a relatively long time? You don’t. You read this because either you are interested in something that I have to say or you are my mom.

We can assume that the majority of 100hookuprs are not virgins (seeing that there is everyone from college students in their 20s, to professionals in their 30s, to divorcees in their 40s, to widows in their 50s plus plenty of people in their 60s, 70s and even 80s) which means that most 100hookuprs have had sex! Yes, it’s true, you will more than likely not be your partner’s first. Deal with it. But you need to decide what you want to know. Are you interested in sharing the number of partners you’ve each had? How do you want to use that information? Is there a “good” number? How will you feel if your number is higher or lower than your partner’s? Will you be able to accept the number? Ask yourself these questions before asking your partner their number. If you still want to know your partner’s number, then you’re a glutton for punishment and don’t be surprised when the relationship meets an early demise. Nothing good will come out of sharing sex stories from your past, so don’t do it. Accept that everyone has a past, including yourself, and focus on the future instead.

What do you do when you find out your 100hookup is JDating both you and your friend… and doing so knowingly? Well, you can be flattered for starters. You like your friend and you made the decision to be friends so therefore you must deduce that your common 100hookup has amazing taste! But how do you decide who should continue dating said 100hookup? By leaving it up to the 100hookup you are giving up all semblance of control over your heart and your friendship. He or she has continued dating you both, so maybe you should give him or her a taste of their own medicine by both of you dumping the loser! Except what if the 100hookup isn’t a loser and you both are awesome and you both are still interested? Well, you could both continue dating the same 100hookup, but don’t be surprised if you lose your friendship along the way. I endorse poly-dating, but not when it can hurt feelings. So take a step back and use one of the following measurements in order to fairly decide who will jump ship.

-who met first?
-who has gone on more dates?
-who has spent more time getting to know each other/who knows more about the prospect?
-who has gone further sexually?
-who has “that feeling”?

It shouldn’t take much more than these questions to figure out the answer. Save the friendship. It’s never worth it. And if that couple ends up becoming a 100hookup success story, then the sacrificial lamb better be honored in the wedding!

There are cures for a lot of things. The common cold, boredom, the inability to play the piano. However, there is no cure for yourself. No matter how much you change, your core remains the same. If you’re an asshole, you’re always going to be an asshole. It doesn’t matter how friendly you are to that guy over the counter, or how may hours you spend volunteering at a retirement community. Eventually you’re going to strangle a geriatric.

So why do people try to change themselves? They do so to make other people think that they’re something other than they actually are. How do you get a girl that exclusively dates horseback riders? You exclusively wear a standard jockey uniform all of the time. You’re not a jockey. You know that. But once that uniform comes on, she will think that you are. Because that’s what jockeys do. They wear jockey uniforms. Always.

Today, at first glance, I’m pretty laid-back. I’m calm and soft-spoken. But that’s not who I really am. I’m really loud, reactive, and jittery. I want to crassly talk over you and and try to be charming in a horrible way. However, now, I am equally not charming in a slightly different horrible way. I think it’s good, though. I’d rather pretend to be a likable guy than not pretend to be a horrible guy. Any likable guy that you meet is probably at least somewhat horrible on the inside. He’s probably stolen something significant at some point in his life or injured a small child. He’s got secrets. And his niceties cover this up really well.

There is no cure for yourself, there is only your mask.

When you take your new boyfriend or girlfriend home to meet your parents, you might as well hold up a big sign that says, “Sh*t just got real.”  Because if you’re introducing someone to your parents, it is real. You’re making a conscious choice to test the waters of a real future with someone. But back in the days of arranged marriages, a man would search for a wife, meet with a prospective father-in-law who would offer a dowry on behalf of his daughter, hands would shake, Heineken bottles would clink, and happily ever after would be off to an amicable start. Okay, maybe there was no Heineken, but if my dad were involved there would be. It’s now totally backwards. These days we are expected to go out into the wild and successfully find not only a mate, but our soul mate. And on top of that we are expected to trust our own judgment. We can’t just go blaming our parents if it ends up badly. It’s all up to us.

Only two guys have ever had the opportunity to shake my dad’s hand, and let’s just say they both later screwed up on catastrophic levels. Now I won’t even entertain introducing a guy to my family until I’m very confident in our future. This guy will not only have to meet (and hopefully exceed) my expectations, he will have to be able to keep up with my dad and brother. He will have to endure their lengthy discussions about law and politics, the NFL and MLB, the Beatles and Dylan, nine irons and wedges. And then, of course, he will have to pass the hookup mother test with flying colors. And while my mom passed away when I was in high school, I know without a doubt that the first question she would ask is, “When was the last time you spoke to your mother?”, the right answer being “today.” The next question: when was your last haircut?

Just getting to this point in a relationship is a feat in itself, and I can’t even make it to the checkpoint where meeting the fam is a topic of discussion. So I’m thinking, why don’t we take the whole soul mate search and go back to the days of yore? I’m confident that my dad, who is amazing, would put together a pretty outstanding dowry and then I’d have a good selection of possible husbands to choose from. It would include high end guitars (acoustic and electric), TaylorMade golf clubs, Jack Daniels, and not to mention, season tickets to Marlins games (don’t blame the man – we’re from Florida). Seriously, what guy wouldn’t love that? Then my dad and I would discuss who is Mr. Right, the men would shake hands, I’d call my dating shenanigans quits. Boom. I’d get my happily-ever-something. Any takers? I just have one more question. When was the last time you talked to your mother?