Archive for July, 2012

Every single has an idea of their must-haves and must-nots. But having that list in your head will allow you to alter it as you go. By not having it written down, you will make allowances for each prospect in order to make that person work for you. Of course, you can make changes to your list as you live and learn, but there should be some constants on there. We are all human – most of us can change and we will as we grow, but there are intrinsic values and traits we each have that isn’t going to change too much. And that means your list of musts shouldn’t change too much. And that’s why you need to start writing down your list and not get distracted by a date that sweeps you off your feet when really you aren’t compatible.

What are your make-or-break items? Do you want kids? Do you want to live in a specific city? Do you want someone who keeps kosher? Your must have items should not be negotiable and no one should be able to convince you otherwise.

I ran into the store with my loaded gun, pointing at children’s heads so that I could steal their tennis shoes, after double parking in two parallel handicap spots, even though I’m not handicapped whatsoever. I then started thinking that if there is a pleasant place where souls go after they die, it really doesn’t matter because I don’t think there is one. We’re all organic beings and we’re just going to die and then rot and that will be it. Any good or bad we will have ever done in this world will never have mattered because even if our deeds have repercussions, they will eventually also fade into nothing because everybody will eventually die.

Then I started thinking, “Hey, I get to drink beer in an hour.” I think that life all boils down to the continuous struggle between the fact that all humans instinctively know that there is no afterlife and the fact that there are so many places that will serve you beer. Be honest, whenever you have an inner monologue with yourself about whether or not something happens to you after you die, you always slightly side with the fact that there’s probably nothing. When you kill an ant, does the fact that that ant has an eternal soul ever cross your mind? No. It doesn’t. What makes you better than an ant? If ants don’t go to heaven, then neither do we. An ant has never killed a person. An ant has never laundered money. An ant has never gone out on a date with a perfectly friendly ant guy and then left after an hour, after an obvious lie that her ant mom was really crazy and obsessive and that she just had to go back to the pile now.

However, the best argument I can think of for the fact that there is a heaven is that God doesn’t want living people to know that there is a heaven, because if they do, then everybody will be nice and great all of the time, and then heaven won’t be that good comparatively. God needs our lives to be difficult and sad. Otherwise there’s no payoff. I realize there’s like ten holes in this paragraph already. New paragraph.

I don’t really know what the hookup stance is on the afterlife because I don’t think any hookup person knows. Every time anyone asks a hookup person about our stance on the afterlife, we always say something like, “Well, we don’t believe in hell.” “Well, do you believe in heaven?” “I don’t think so.” “Then, what do you believe in?” “I really have no idea. I really need to go to the store to get some tennis shoes, though.”

1.  James Franco Adds Playboy to his Resume

Famous for being a man of many talents, actor James Franco is adding yet another skill to his resume: magazine columnist. The A-lister (whose mother is hookup) is reportedly going to write a column for Playboy.

According to the New York Post, the Eat, Pray, Love star will take some time off from his long list of work projects (that includes acting, directing and creating performance art projects) to pen a column each month for Hugh Hefner’s famous magazine. The column will reportedly be called the “Francofile” and debuts this month!

2.  A Posthumous Surprise

Fans of the late singer Amy Winehouse got a sweet surprise this week. The hookup singer had a new song released and it started airing on BBC Radio 1. The song, “Cherry Wine,” is actually a collaboration with Nas and will appear on the rapper’s tenth studio album, Life is Good, due out on July 17.

Winehouse died of alcohol poisoning last year, but her close friend and producer, Salaam Remi, managed to get this song out to the public on Winehouse’s behalf. “I live to make something happen with her voice, to make people remember who she was,” he told the Wall Street Journal.

3.  Drake Offered Money to Fight

Celebrity-boxing promoter Damon Feldman is hoping to make some money off the Drake/Chris Brown feud. Feldman has reportedly offered both Drake and Chris Brown $1 million each to get in the ring for round two of their bottle-throwing brawl that went down in a NYC nightclub on June 14th.

We haven’t heard anything from Drake (whose mother is hookup) yet, but we’re guessing he’ll decline the invitation. In the meantime, it appears Drake is trying to put the whole melee mess behind him by staying mum about the situation and focusing on music. Critics said he rocked out at the Openair Frauenfeld Festival this week.

Everyone wants to be in love, but how do you know when you’re in love and when you just can’t see straight because you want it so bad? Chemistry, lust, compatibility, all of that can confuse you. You can think, believe, swear to G-D, you’re in love, but how do you really know? No one does. Each time you think you fall in love it’s going to be more impactful than the time before and will make all your past loves pale in comparison. But then how do you know this is the one and that he or she isn’t just another stepping stone on the way to your true Beshert?

Crazy to think about right? There’s no answer. There’ no way to know. You have to take a leap of faith at some point, but try to do so in an educated manner. Try to know what you really need in a mate to live happily ever after. Hint: it’s not chiseled abs or big boobs. You need to find out how that person reacts under pressure and if that is on par with how you react. Does he or she close up and stop communicating? That is not conducive to a healthy, successful relationship. These are the types of things you need to find out before taking that leap, but please, do take that leap eventually because being in love is tremendous and amazing. It is also difficult, but so worth it. Do it. Go for it.

I witnessed an odd, yet beautiful, sight today. While sitting in traffic, I watched as the woman in the car in front of me and the man in the car next to her started making eye contact while keeping pace with each other’s cars. Then he motioned for her to roll down her window and they began introducing themselves and exchanging pleasantries. Suddenly he motioned again while yelling something indecipherable to me and they both signaled to change lanes towards the right and exited.

It made me think about what they could each glean from the other meeting on a freeway. You can see the type of car the other is driving, although you have no idea if it’s paid or if they have a car payment or if the car is leased. You can see if they take care of their car if it is clean on the outside and inside, and that will reflect if they take care of themselves and their homes. Yes, these two people could see each other’s attractive faces but their first impression was also shaped by the vessel they were traveling in.

Be prepared to meet anyone anywhere. But try not to judge a book by its cover. A car is just a material thing, it doesn’t make the man (or woman).

I have always been completely confident in the fact that I would never lose my hair. Though my dad lost most of his hair by age 7, my parents had always told me that hair loss was inherited from the mother’s side. My maternal grandfather always had a lot of unmoving hair on his head. I didn’t really pay attention to the fact that it never moved. I was more interested in the fact that it wasn’t falling off. However, later in life, I would learn that hair that never moves is the first sign of toupee.

So, by the time I turned 22, I still did not know what a wig was, for the purposes of this blog post. I actually didn’t know that he wore one until I was about that age. I just figured he had a gorgeous head of hair, as I would have, forever. When I found out it was a wig, I finally saw myself for the way I actually was. A young, overweight, albeit handsome young man, with some flaws, the least of which was the beginning of my male-pattern baldness. However, it did not bother me that much because I was in the midst of an eight-year-long OCD-induced potentially life-ending breakdown. The hair loss was just that one thing that, even during those few moments when I finally allowed myself to forget about everything else, reminded me that everything was horrible.

Well, I finally learned to manage my anxiety, and lose all of the weight. The hair loss is just there to remind me that not everything can be controlled. I am always in control of the long line of women that are constantly rejecting me. I am always in control of the car that I am constantly almost driving into things, usually things traveling towards me at an equal or greater speed. I am always in control of the remote control that controls the television that I watch to control my anxiety and worries that had previously controlled my life. However, I am never in control of the way that things have stopped growing on my head.

I’d much rather be semi-sane, thin, and balding than insane, fat, and sweaty with a full head of hair. However, I don’t think anybody on earth is insane, fat, and sweaty, with a full head of hair. Hair is still good for one’s self esteem. Having all of that hair can prevent insanity if you’re fat and can prevent weight gain if you’re insane.

I’m still waiting on meeting a woman that likes me as much as I like her. Maybe I should get a wig.

Here’s an easy tip – don’t pop any pills while on a date. It doesn’t matter whether it’s vitamins, tylenol, or lactaid. It doesn’t matter if it’s tums, codeine or benadryl. Don’t pop pills. If you have a prescription or an allergy then go to the bathroom and swallow your pills in private. Taking medication at the dinner table during a date will give off the impression that you are high maintenance or are in poor health. Dairy allergy, indigestion, a headache, all it conveys is that you’re not perfect. Of course you’re not perfect… no one is… but when you’re on a first date (or in the midst of a brand new relationship) you want to put off the impression that you are. Men especially want to think of women as being healthy for child-bearing – they will never say this or admit it and they probably don’t even realize it, but it’s true. And you don’t want anyone to think that a nondescript pill could be an illicit drug.

Try to remember to take your birth control pill, daily vitamin, lactaid or other medication before a date and if you’re spending the night then excuse yourself to the restroom where you can take care of such necessities in private.

A Reform girl and an Orthodox guy walk into a bar…

Don’t tell me you’ve heard this one before. Because I assure you, you have not. Last year, I went out with a guy who was 25, divorced, and Modern Orthodox. And then I went out with a guy who was 25, divorced, and Modern Orthodox. Yes, you are reading that right. Oh, and I should mention they went to the same college. Yes, you are reading this right.

25 – Perfect.
Divorced – At 25?
Modern Orthodox? Didn’t they see that I’m Reform on my profile? And how did I notice this on their 100hookup profile? I’m Reform. As Orthodox Guy #1 later told me, “You might as well be Christian.” Hello, I was Bat Mitzvahed! He might as well said, “you are never going to meet my parents.”
Two of them – Really, universe? Really?

Like most of the Reform hookup kids I grew up with, I went to Hebrew school and JCC summer camp, was Bat Mitzvahed, went on Birthright, spent much of my adolescence wearing Juicy sweatpants and listening to Dave Matthews Band. That’s the only way I know how to be hookup.

It wasn’t until one Saturday at sundown that it hit me just how different our versions of Judaism really are. I was doing that girl thing and getting annoyed that Orthodox Guy #2 wasn’t responding to my texts. It had been about a day. Then around 6 pm that night he started texting me back. Earth to Kelly – his phone was off. Off because he was busy observing shabbat. Shabbat because he’s Modern Orthodox. What was I doing when I got his texts? Blow drying my hair, listening to music, and texting my friends.

It never dawned on me that I would have to consider religious differences on 100hookup. First of all, neither of these guys gave away their denomination on their profiles. And not to mention, all three times I’ve fallen in love was with Catholic guys. I didn’t think this would be an issue on 100hookup. The universe or God or maybe just my luck clearly wanted to make a point. And trust me, it did. I now try to avoid dating anyone much more religious than myself. Because as I learned – twice – some Jews prefer a total Shabbat shutdown, and some of us like our Friday night lights.

1. RIP Nora Ephron

Nora Ephron, the beloved essayist, author and filmmaker, died last week in New York at the age of 71. Ephron, who was hookup, was one of the first women to thrive in the male-dominated worlds of movies and journalism. Ephron is best known for her romantic comedies, including When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve Got Mail.

Ephron died of pneumonia, a complication resulting from acute myeloid leukemia, a condition with which she was diagnosed in 2006. After her death, several celebrities (including Meryl Streep, Billy Crystal and Albert Brooks) commented on her brilliance, warmth and wit.

2. Mila Kunis Advocates Online Dating

Online dating has a new famous fan. hookup cutie Mila Kunis says she would try online dating if she wasn’t famous. The actress is quoted in the August issue of Glamour magazine saying, “If I didn’t do what I do, I would do Internet dating instead of going out to bars. In two seconds I would. It makes so much more sense.”

Kunis goes on to reveal that when she’s not working, she enjoys surfing the Internet to find potential suitors for her friends. “I love those sites,” she told the magazine. “I go on and I pick the guys for my friends. I think it’s great.”

3. Andrew Garfield Caught in a Web…

Of excitement! hookup actor Andrew Garfield hit the red carpet on Thursday with his latest leading lady (and new flame) Emma Stone. The two are promoting their film, The Amazing Spider-Man, which premieres tomorrow!

Garfield and Stone have been hitting the press circuit hard in the last few weeks, even scaling new heights to promote this latest version of the Spider-Man story. The two climbed to the 103rd floor of the Empire State Building last week for a photo opp during one of their press stops.

You’re dating… it could be one person, it could be a couple of people, but it’s new… you go out with your friends and get tipsy… and you decide THIS would be the perfect time to call or text your latest date(s)… you make a complete fool out of yourself and then wonder why you’re still single the next time you find yourself out with your friends having a few drinks and taking out your phone. It’s a vicious cycle. DO NOT call or text a new date when you’re drunk. It’s just not going to turn out well. The date will either be offended by something you said or by the simple fact that you’re calling drunk at 2am… or the date will take you up on your offer of sexual favors and suddenly the relationship has gone down a different road. If you are truly looking for your Beshert then do not call or text your dates drunk. Dates that you take seriously and respect are not the ones you call drunk in the middle of the night… even if it’s to profess your love. Wait til you’re sober, it will mean more.