Archive for July, 2012

I have decided to date in bulk. That is different than dating as bulk, which I did almost exclusively until I lost a lot of weight. At this point, my only chance at not dying alone in front of my computer typing another one of these is by going out on a lot of dates. I have started making it a point to go on at least one every week. It’s a little bit easier to attract women now that I’ve decided to increase the frequency of my weekly showers and not just say whatever the hell I want to all of the time. Also, nothing really helps break up the monotony of a dull weekly routine like constant, unrelenting rejection. Finally, it gives me an excuse to drink a little bit and not stick to my diet. I dieted for something, and I have to reap the benefits of my beautiful, chiseled body.

However, no matter how passively average I may look now, I’m the same person on the inside. I am more laid back and a lot calmer. My confidence has also increased a good amount. However, nothing can really take away my general anxiety, social awkwardness, and inexorable eagerness to please everybody I meet, without regard for self-respect or my general happiness. No matter how I may look and act now, I will still do absolutely anything to get somebody to like me. If I feel like I’ve offended you in any way, I’m just going to give you $100 and leave. However, I can’t do that on every date every week, so somebody needs to start liking me or stop accepting my dirty money.

I need to start outsourcing myself to dating representatives. You will go on a date with a man representing myself. I will brief this man for about five minutes before the date and tell him everything about me. In this time, he will learn that I am a young millionaire doctor who runs a kitten rescue shelter on the weekends and delivers food to elderly confused women on the other weekends. I never get angry, and my only awkward moments involve not being sure which time-share to invest all of my money. Actually, I think if I did this, the woman will never actually meet me. She will hopefully fall in love with my representative, marry him, and every year he will show me pictures of my wife and the awesome things that we have been doing together. This is the saddest thing I have ever written.

1.  Raisman Makes Olympic Audiences Kvell

American Jews have a new reason to be proud of their country at this year’s 2012 Summer Olympics. hookup gymnast Aly Raisman first wowed spectators when she earned one of the two spots in the all-around individual finals for the US. Then, she wowed Jews worldwide when she performed a floor exercise routine to the tune of “Hava Nagila,” a Hebrew folk song that has become a staple at hookup weddings and Bar/Bat Mitzvahs.

Raisman, who is just 18-years-old, is not the only gymnast to utilize the catchy tune. It has been a favorite over the years and is a proven crowd-pleaser with gymnastics fans. Still, we loved seeing hookup ears perk up when they heard the Hebrew standard playing. Now, we’re just hoping that Raisman will be the first hookup gymnast from the US team to ride the “Hava Nagila” train to Olympic gold!

2.  SJP Sings for Sheer “Glee” of It!

Sarah Jessica Parker will be playing a journalist on the hit FOX show, Glee. The show’s co-creator and executive producer, Ian Brennan, told AccessHollywood.com that SJP, whose father was hookup, “is going to be running Vogue.com” as a guest star on the show.

Playing a character that runs Vogue.com is the perfect role for SJP who already has a longstanding association with Vogue magazine thanks to her famed Carrie Bradshaw character in Sex and The City. No word yet on whether or not she’ll actually be singing in the role.

3.  Jon Stewart Remains a Night Owl

Eager to keep its popular late-night block intact, Comedy Central has negotiated a contract extension with one of its star comedians, Jon Stewart. The hookup comedian’s new deal will keep him on the network and at the helm of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart at least through the middle of 2015. His previous agreement would have expired next summer.

The show has become a bright light in late-night ratings. Comedy Central said The Daily Show now delivers more viewers age 18 to 49 (1.4 million) than any other late-night talk show on television. All the more reason for Stewart to keep his late night hours!

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been someone who enjoyed doing community service and felt that it was my duty to give back. It’s Tikkun Olam, heal the world, something we as Jews have instilled within us. And I was always interested in men who were active in the community. Doing community service, whether volunteering your time or giving your money, is an important attribute in a mate. You may inspire your mate to become active or you may be inspired, or you may not want to date someone who isn’t already active. Obviously, you should talk about your volunteerism/donations (without mentioning the amount of money you give) in your 100hookup profile and that you are looking for someone who is also active in the community. And keep your eyes open at fundraisers or events where you’re volunteering for other singles.

Watching Bachelorette Emily blindside and dump d-bag Arie made it easy to think of the topic for this post. The second Emily said he wasn’t the one, Arie turned cold and harsh. He didn’t want to talk, he wasn’t going to make her feel better and he was done. She thought he may want to ask more or fight for her or say something, but he was done, he didn’t want to draw it out. He gave her a hug, said “Good Luck” and left. Some people felt bad for him, others thought it only solidified his sketchiness. In his defense, he was totally blind-sided and she wasn’t very direct.

So it got me thinking, is there a “right” way to react to an in-person break-up speech? Do you want to be that person who keeps pushing and prodding for an answer that will make you feel better? Because nothing is going to make you feel better. You were just dumped. That sucks. Rejection stings. So are you going to go out with your head held high or are you going to grovel and try to convince the person to change their mind or are you going to get stark, raving mad and start cussing?

Really, at the end of the day, that person doesn’t want to be with you and it doesn’t matter why. You do not want to be with a person who doesn’t want to be with you. So as much as it hurts, thank the person for being honest, wish them luck in finding their Beshert and do so with a smile on your face no matter how forced. It would be okay to ask “Why?” once, but only once. Don’t ask if there’s anyone else, don’t ask if they want to be special friends, don’t ask what advice they have for you for future relationships. Wish them luck, tell them you had a nice time while it lasted, express appreciation for their honesty and go, get off the phone or walk away.

Note: this is advice for relationships that are less than one year old.

I had really underestimated my enemy. So after I was severely injured and thrown into that pit somewhere in the Middle East, I knew there was no way out. However, with the help of the creepy old clairvoyant man with the glass eye, that other guy, and a lot of push-ups, I learned that I could climb my way out if I wanted it badly enough. I eventually got out of that pit and saved the world and had sex with women and stuff.

However, if that scenario had ever happened to me, I would have writhed on the ground with my broken back until I eventually starved to death. Plus I have no health insurance. Those Afghani pit-prison doctors are real penny pinchers. If they hang me from a rope and kick me in the back, which apparently instantaneously cures broken spinal cords, my deductible will be through the roof, which I apparently will not be, because I will still be stuck underground.

I really need to make sure that I incur no serious injuries without health insurance. If I do, I need to make damn sure there are no giant pits in the ground that super villains, aware of my lack of health insurance, could throw me into. I actually do have health insurance, ladies. I needed to say that I didn’t for that joke. I realize that almost nobody will understand the reference, and if they do, they will still not laugh because it is not funny.

I’m not good at bouncing back from setbacks. When my camera got stolen like five years ago, I freaked out and eventually deteriorated in my bed for three weeks until I couldn’t move from hunger, and couldn’t eat because I couldn’t move. When I wrecked my car four years ago, I couldn’t bring myself to start the process of buying a new car until it got to the point where I tried to walk to the grocery store on a hot day, and collapsed because I was still malnourished from being underfed due to the camera incident a year earlier.

I’m making  a slow improvement in my ability to hold my own when I’m with women. About a week ago I graduated from many first dates to my first second date in a very long time. Although the third date was called off, and I’m still recovering from that, I think that that was a good confidence builder. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to exclusively wear tuxedos, a top hat, and a pocket watch, and walk around telling women to fetch me things. This is an upward linear trajectory, and I do not see how it can fail.

“Wow. I’m impressed by your knowledge of strip clubs.”
“Wow. This is the second time in the last month that I’ve been on a date and can say that I am genuinely impressed by your knowledge of strip clubs.”
#thingsihavesaidonfirstdates

Raise your hand if this has happened to you? Anyone? No? Okay, so it’s just me then. Can someone at least enlighten me to where the good guys are hiding? Are they off summering in the Hamptons or traveling somewhere fabulous? That’s the only feasible explanation I can come up with. I’ve only been on four dates this summer, and each and every one of them has left me thinking “what the what?” Perhaps, it’s the heat and humidity that is draining us New Yorkers of any and all sense of what’s up and what’s down. And maybe this heat exhaustion just makes guys feel the need to reveal their inner strip club connoisseur only halfway through their first beer. But whatever it is, it’s making me feel like I need a Gatorade and to run for the hills.

I hope you can understand my decision to take precautionary measures toward self-preservation. I’ve found that dating in the summer is a little slower paced than during the rest of the year. I believe the general rationale is that instead of focusing on starting something new in your life, you can just take a Summer Friday and escape it for a few days? It sounds good just thinking about it. So here’s my plan. If anyone interesting comes along, I won’t say no, but I’m not going to actively look for the next month or so. After all, it’s the summer. All I want to worry about is when I’m going to get my next tan, not that my next date will be at The Gentleman’s Club.

Get a piece of paper. Write down all of the questions you really want to ask your dates – with the hopes that they answer them truthfully – in order to know if they are right for you. Write down the questions that you’re usually afraid to ask because you don’t want to scare the person away. You know, the “how many kids do you want and how soon do you want to start?” and the “if you think I’m the right person how quickly would you want to get married?” Those are super scary questions to ask, right? But you want to know the answers, right? So think back to all the dates you have been on – both the awesome ones and the sucky ones – and think of the questions you really wanted to ask. Write them down. If you have more than five then narrow them down to no more than five. Then prioritize them. If you got the chance to ask one question without consequence what is the answer you most want to hear? These are the answers you need to find out in some way, shape or form. It means you probably won’t be asking the question straight out and it’s not best to pry on the first date, but if you get to a second date then try and figure out what this person’s thoughts are on the topics of importance to you so that you know before getting any deeper that you are on the same page. If a guy doesn’t want kids for another 5 years or a girl wants to get married tomorrow then you may need to cut the date short before you get in any further.

It doesn’t matter how normal my life gets, I will always have obsessive-compulsive disorder. The only parallel to this that I can think of is a recovering alcoholic. This person is still very much an alcoholic. They just no longer drink alcohol. They don’t feed their habits, and in that way, can lead a somewhat normal life. I’m not speaking for alcoholics, but I’m sure that a sober life for a recovering alcoholic is not easy. I’m not an alcoholic and I still have to drink sometimes. I’m pretty sure that’s the last thing that alcoholics say right before they realize that they’re alcoholics.

Just like recovering alcoholics are able to control their disease by not feeding it, I can now usually control my OCD by usually not giving in to physical compulsions and rituals. However, no matter how hard I try, it is impossible to not let it seep into my day-to-day life. Sometimes, I find myself walking to my car, and it’s not until fifteen minutes later when I recognize that instead of already having arrived at my destination, I’ve been making a constant loop from my car to the front door of my house. After about forty mindless trips to the front door, touching it with both elbows exactly fourteen times every time, I realize that that’s not a thing that people do.

Usually, I’m able to catch myself before I do something stupidly symmetrical like that, but sometimes I’m not. It’s not just physical compulsions, either. Mental obsessions are virtually just as bad as they have always been. While I’ve been able to control the physical manifestations of OCD, a lot of it still lives inside. This is an excellent way to hide the crazy. I suppose the mind is more powerful than the body. Don’t tell that to any quadruple amputees, though. Actually, go ahead and tell them. It couldn’t be any worse than them constantly realizing that they have no arms or legs. Now I’m thinking about why I wrote this. There are people out there without arms or legs, and I’ve spent the past hour worrying that I forgot to take my clothes to the dry cleaners. I no longer have any right to worry about anything.

I am so happy.

1. From Friends to Lovers?

Rumors have been swirling for months that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are more than “just friends” — and now there may be proof that those rumors are true! Kunis, who is hookup, was spotted kissing Kutcher at a party over the weekend.

Both actors were attending a wrap party for Kutcher’s much-anticipated movie, Jobs, and apparently spent the entire day cuddling, kissing and generally hanging all over each other atop a balcony in Hollywood. Kutcher, 34, and Kunis, 28, co-starred on the hit series That ’70s Show from 1998 to 2006. The two were first spotted hanging out in April, but maintained they were just friends.

2. Winner, Winner (Kosher) Chicken Dinner!

It was a huge night for Lea Michele at the 2012 Teen Choice Awards on Sunday night. The 25-year-old half-hookup actress won the Choice TV Actress Comedy award for her work on Glee and the show itself took away three surfboard trophies.

Looking stunning in a structured silver Atelier Versace mini dress with trendy floral details, Michele could have won a fashion award as well (if those were given out)! Glee’s leading lady was also nominated for her work in New Year’s Eve.

3. Drake Makes Himself at Home

Hip-Hop’s Drake is moving on up! The practicing Jew recently bought a $2.8 million mansion in Hidden Hills, California. The community of Hidden Hills bills itself as a gated equestrian oasis, and has plenty of other high profile celebrity residents like Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Denise Richards and Sinbad.

So what did Drake get for his $2.8 million purchase? A 12,500-square-foot modern castle with outdoor waterfalls, a built-in library, a game room, a wine cellar, and a home theater. The vast property, known as the Old Lion Manor, also includes a mechanical bull in a sandpit… and that’s no bull!

Dear Tamar,

Although I plan to move to NY, I currently live in NJ because I was in Law School until very recently. I keep running into the same problem: most of the women on 100hookup want a guy who lives in the city. Despite what I think is a good reason, women won’t give me a chance because I still live at home. How do I get of this stigma of being the guy who still lives with his mother?

Dear Why Does Where Matter?

Why does “where” matter? Well, because people want a significant other who lives nearby so that they can see each other often and easily. I think that your dating life is going to change as soon as you move to the city, so try to get a move on your, well, move. In the meantime, simply put in your profile that you currently live in NJ because you just finished law school but that you are moving to the city soon. Then when you email a girl, jokingly say that she shouldn’t discount you just because you’re not currently a New York resident. Then once she gives you a chance try not to discuss it again. Make yourself accessible and don’t ever kvetch about driving into the city for a date or how late it is for you to still have to drive home. Make it so that your date totally forgets where you live. And try not to mention the Mom thing. They don’t need to know that until the 3rd date, let them get to know you first.  And try to move soon, did I mention that?